AIBU to look after granddaughter for childcare but not pick up from nursery?

[BeCosyFox]

My daughter is going back to work soon and plans to have granddaughter in nursery 5 days a week. I have happily offered to have her 3 of those days. I only work part time and would love to look after her on the other days I can. She doesn’t want that and wants her to go to nursery but has asked for some wrap around care. Grandaughter won’t be in nursery full days but half a day with wrap around care from me on the 3 days I can do (as her shift starts later in the day and ends after nursery closing time) I will have her about and hour and a half for those 3 days if I was going by what daughter wants. I just don’t understand why she wouldn’t want me to have her, we have a good relationship and are close and I’ve looked after my other grandchild (from other daughter) in a similar way before he went to school and it was a huge help being able to offer free childcare with lots of one on one time, it’s made me and my grandson have a lovely bond and I’d like the same with my granddaughter. I’m always happy to follow any rules she would like etc but she is adamant on nursery and I cannot understand why that’s the case. So many of my friends say it’s lovely I can offer that and their children would jump at the opportunity for a grandparent to have them over nursery and I agree and am hurt by this to the point that I don’t want to do the wrap around care for nursery. Is it unreasonable to say no to the pick up from nursery even though I’d have her for the whole 3 days? I just feel it’s not a give and take situation and if she doesn’t want me to have her in the day, then I don’t want to do that. I am very hurt she would prefer to pay nursery fees and have her child with nursery workers over her grandmother

It could be that the other grandma has expressed a desire to look after her grandchild and your daughter and her husband have decided that rather than upset one grandma over another they would just send the child to nursery full time.

Yes, that’s also a good point that she might be feeling insecure about that. I really think an open discussion might help, but you have to not take offense.

You wouldn't be unreasonable to decline because of timing or not wanting to travel but it is unreasonable to decline because you're offended about in an all or nothing situation. It's a decision coming from a not nice space.

They're just making the best choice they can for their small child. I wouldn't have wanted any of the grandparents caring for my kids because they adore them but they honestly do shove sugar and screens at them, even through they say they don't. All my kids' first exposure to sweets and screens (3m!) was older relatives. I'm happy with that occasionally but day-to-day kids need boundaries and I trust paid childcare to do that. I'd respect their decision.

It sounds like she wants consistency for her child. Some children do better with the same routine and longer breaks from nursery can make it really difficult (stressful and upsetting, even) which makes it hard for them to settle and enjoy their time there. Your daughter has made her parenting choice. She might even have spoken to your other child and things have influenced how she feels about you having her daughter all day for several days a week. You sound petty stating it must your way or no way and this could be a sign of why. If the goal is to help your daughter and spend time with your grandchild, then help your daughter the way she needs and spend time with your grandchild. 3 pickups and time together every week sounds like plenty of time to spend with her.

I do think it’s a mix of all the things mentioned that she shares concerns for and uses them as her reasons. She could leave work and she did originally want to and then she got a promotion and doesn’t want to lose her career for the rest of her life and refind her feet once she goes to school. My grandson did often seek comfort from me over mum (other daughter) and she has said she doesn’t want that but I think that’s a little sad, it’s not a bad thing for her to find comfort in me if that was the case. I don’t use much screens or bad food and would follow wishes with this but she says she would rather the activities the nursery provides even if I spend most my day doing things with the grandchildren but I can’t understand why when I would be offering 1-1 activities but she says I would naturally be doing some housework or other things but that’s completely usual, I don’t get the issue there. It seems she is flinging around a lot of factors that don’t hold much weight when she is giving up on a grandparent providing free care, I can’t understand it. I do think 5 days is too much for a small child at nursery too

That’s rude, I’m not sure why that would compromise my ability to care for children

she will only be a year old. Not old at all

There’s obviously a reason so talk to your daughter. Same as in most circumstances on here - actually talk to the person you love.

If you don't want to pick up from nursery then don't. Just get on with your own life OP.

My lovely Mum offered to look after DC1 so she didn't have to be in nursery every day and honestly it ended up being a right pain.

It was an extra 20 mins to her house to drop off, then go in, have a chat, hand over some money if they were going out for the day etc. Then drive 90 mins to work, then 15 mins walk to the office.

Reverse commute at night, then 10 plus mins talking, getting bags, stuff they had been doing together, then another 20 mins drive home.

Nursery was a couple of minutes drive from home in the same village, quick drop off and pick up. Leaving her with my Mum just added so much extra time and hassle to already long days.

Yes, I'd be hurt too if I were you. Your daughter only wants you when she can't have her preferred childcare.

It doesn't feel like it would be a very pleasant experience for you, going out at rush hour to do a pickup and then only having a short time with your grandchild, hardly time to relax and do anything with her. And she'll be tired and ratty after a whole day at nursery. Nursery will get the best of her, early in the day, and then you have to go out to fetch her at rush hour and are left with just the witching hour. That won't be much fun for you or your granddaughter.

Still, I guess the mum must have her reasons for preferring nursery. Refusing to have your granddaughter for the wraparound care would be cutting off your nose to spite your face, don't you think? Then you wouldn't get to see her at all.

I think yabu. Your dd is ensuring that she has childcare if you’re unable to do it. In your place, I would pick up early some days. But I absolutely would do this for her. I imagine she thinks 3 days is a lot for you and perhaps as a pp suggested, she is afraid you’ll have a stronger bond than she. It isn’t true. But please allow her to feel that way without judgment.

I think your daughter might be acting out of an impulse to control what her daughter does, she wants the regime of the nursery she's picked, where she's a customer so can call them to account, which she can't do with you. I think it's a pity, you don't sound like you'd stick your granddaughter in front of the TV all day, which would be my only concern about grandparent child minding.

I don't know if you can change her mind, I think she's incredibly lucky to have the offer, but perhaps she'd compromise with you picking your grandaughter up for half days. One and half hours is a bit crap, you'll be hanging around waiting to pick her up, and it will be dark in the winter.

I hope you can come to some agreement with your daughter.

All I read there is valid concerns that you are dismissing. None of which are about you as a person, but just the difference a family member can offer v a nursery. She’s right that you cannot offer the same amount or type of activities as a nursery. Shes allowed to not want her child seeking you out over her. Whether you think 5 days at nursery is too much isn’t relevant because it’s not your child, even the fact you say that is a red flag for because it makes you sound a little bit controlling.

what matters more to you, having your way or spending 3 nice afternoons with your grandchild?

Seems to me that you're cutting off your nose to spite your face!

As others have said, it’s a nightmare when family have offered childcare but are the ill/shifts change etc as nursery likely can’t accommodate. Practically speaking as well, a lot of nurseries have minimum day / session requirements to get the funding (ours is 4 sessions, my friends was 3 days a week so 6 sessions etc) which may also be a factor.

You’ll get to see her three times a week and get some lovely time with her regardless. Refusing because you haven’t got your own way does smack a bit of a toddler throwing their toys out the pram.

Not your child, not your choice.

Though it is absolutely your choice not to do pick up/surround care.

I don't yet have grandchildren (work part time at 61) and certainly don't plan on tying myself to regular childcare.

Gosh reading your posts it’s no wonder your daughter would prefer a nursery. Every reason she has given, you’ve dismissed! She probably feels you’ll do the same with instructions/rules around looking after your grandchild as well.

A nursery environment is really important for children. The early years are the most crucial stage of development and they learn so many new skills through their nursery experiences. Having 1-1 with a grandparent is not as beneficial for the child, only for you.

You’re well within your right to say no to the nursery collections but be honest, it’s because you’re not getting what you want and nothing to do with your daughter or grand child’s needs. A loving grandmother would treasure the 7.5 hours a week of time together, not reject it because it doesn’t suit their ideal.

Your daughter has the right to do what she wants. It's her kid. Remove yourself from the equation and let her get on with it. If she is that much of a control freak, let her sort it all out and she can pay for exactly what she wants.

There's no way I'd be waiting about all day so that I can be used for 90 minutes a day as a taxi and a holding facility. That 90 minutes, right in the middle of the day, means you can't get anything else done. Sod that.

I think you sound lovely and are acting out of hurt but...
Saying you'll do 3 full days or none at all is trying to manipulate your daughter and force her to do things your way. It's exactly what she is trying to avoid. She wants to have full autonomy over her family and not be too reliant on you.
If she takes you up on your offer then she becomes reliant on you to be able to work and it puts you in control over her family.
For example you could say that you'll stop childcare if she doesn't come round for Sunday lunch every week or if she doesn't let you tag along on the family holiday.

Will your DD be able to work if you don’t do the nursery pick ups? What are her plans when nursery closes and she hasn’t finished work? Is her DH able to do pick ups or is nursery only an option if you can pick up and have DGD?

I can understand you feeling hurt, but you don't have to Understand (aka 'agree) you just have to accept that it's what your DD and her DH have decided that they want

I don't know what you're hoping people here will say that you manipulate your daughter further?!?!

do you still look after your grandson in the school holidays? Do your daughters feel like having them both would be too much?? if you don't have your grandson in the holidays, does he go to holiday activities or do one of his parents not work? School holidays?

Anyway, I think you should do the pick ups and the wraparound as it's a good opportunity to bond with your granddaughter it's not exactly what you want but isn't it better than nothing? She'll look forward to you coming to pick her up and the time that you do get to spend why would you deprive both her and yourself of that opportunity? It's totally just cutting your nose off to spite your face.

Could you pick your granddaughter up earlier than closing time rather than just being wraparound care? Most kids don’t stay until the very end of the day anyway unless really necessary.

It’s the complete opposite-1 to 1 care from a loving grandparent is far more superior than nursery cafe for a child that age.

My grandson did often seek comfort from me over mum (other daughter) and she has said she doesn’t want that
This is very revealing. I think it's a shame you won't do the pick up and you'll possbly regret it. As pp said would she agree to you doing early pick up perhaps on the 3rd day?

OP unfortunately misinformation like this is rife and quite possibly your daughter is as mistaken as this poster re. what is best for a child's development.

I would find a compromise with your daughter and agree to do the pick-up, but only if you can pick her up after lunch so you get a chunk of time with her, but she can still keep the nursery place for when she needs it.