AIBU to look after granddaughter for childcare but not pick up from nursery?

[BeCosyFox]

My daughter is going back to work soon and plans to have granddaughter in nursery 5 days a week. I have happily offered to have her 3 of those days. I only work part time and would love to look after her on the other days I can. She doesn’t want that and wants her to go to nursery but has asked for some wrap around care. Grandaughter won’t be in nursery full days but half a day with wrap around care from me on the 3 days I can do (as her shift starts later in the day and ends after nursery closing time) I will have her about and hour and a half for those 3 days if I was going by what daughter wants. I just don’t understand why she wouldn’t want me to have her, we have a good relationship and are close and I’ve looked after my other grandchild (from other daughter) in a similar way before he went to school and it was a huge help being able to offer free childcare with lots of one on one time, it’s made me and my grandson have a lovely bond and I’d like the same with my granddaughter. I’m always happy to follow any rules she would like etc but she is adamant on nursery and I cannot understand why that’s the case. So many of my friends say it’s lovely I can offer that and their children would jump at the opportunity for a grandparent to have them over nursery and I agree and am hurt by this to the point that I don’t want to do the wrap around care for nursery. Is it unreasonable to say no to the pick up from nursery even though I’d have her for the whole 3 days? I just feel it’s not a give and take situation and if she doesn’t want me to have her in the day, then I don’t want to do that. I am very hurt she would prefer to pay nursery fees and have her child with nursery workers over her grandmother

You'll see plenty of her. She'll be off sick a lot

Her thinking may be that if you are ill or go on holiday then she's stuck without childcare for a lot of the week and that will really affect her work. Nurseries offer more reliability?

What about if you agreed to one full day a week? Less of a massive commitment for you but still get regular quality time with grandchild.

I will also add. I have a near 2 year old myself who has attended nursery 5 half days since 1 year old. My little has gone from being a clingy shy soul who would only be with me or Dad to loving the staff and other kids he gets excited to see them in the morning and has flourished in the past year, nursery has really helped him come out of his shell x

We have our dgs 2 days and 1 night a week. He goes to nursery the other 3 days. He loves nursery and being around other children, and he’s really come on since starting nursery.
its what’s best for the child at the end of the day.
We also take him if he’s unwell and unable to go to nursery.
You’ll still get time with your dgd just enjoy that.

I understand your feelings but if you plan to be equally helpful and supportive of your daughter as your son, picking up from nursery is doing that for her.
She has to do what is right for her and the family as a mother. She thinks that this is dgd going to nursery.
It's not about you, or anything that you have done. Nursery is a perfectly valid choice and one that she and her partner have made.
Support her in her decision. You will still have a lovely relationship with her.
Unless you cut your nose off to spite your face.

Should this not be about what is best for the child? Regular nursery sounds ideal.

I think you are being perfectly reasonable saying you can't do the pick ups. It messes up your whole day as you can't plan anything. It's different if you had her full day as your day isn't disrupted in the same way.
However I don't think you should fall out with your daughter over this. Can you talk to her to find out why she is so keen for her child to go to nursery? It's sad for you but ultimately she is her child so it is her decision it might help though if she could explain why she has made it

I think your daughter is BU. You don’t want to be hanging around all morning waiting for dc to be picked up from nursery. If you have errands to do, your time will be very limited.
If your daughter is adamant that dc goes to nursery, let her pay the extra and put her in the full day.
Personally, I don’t see nursery as very beneficial until the dc is 3. Thats not a dig to anyone, ds2 will be attending earlier than that when I’m back at work as I have no family who can help with childcare.

@Whoarethoseguys

Can you talk to her to find out why she is so keen for her child to go to nursery? It's sad for you but ultimately she is her child so it is her decision it might help though if she could explain why she has made it

This is absolutely good and sensible advice but in later posts it turns out OP has already done this and her daughter has given her multiple reasons, she just isn't accepting them as she doesn't agree with them.

OP seems to think that 'not giving reasons i agree with' is the same thing as 'not giving any reasons'. It's a hint that OP has form for bulldozing decisions and not actively listening or empathising. Or respecting her daughter's decisions. I think that attitude is probably a big part of the reason she doesn't want her to do regular full days of childcare.

This - if for any reason you are ill, want to go on holiday, etc she needs alternative childcare or she will have to use holiday at short notice. MN is full of threads where, after 6m the GP decides it was more work than they’d realised and they only want to do one day a week etc, but it is too late to get places at the nursery.

This is not about your DD not wanting you to look after DGC, it is about making sure she has a 100% foolproof childcare arrangements that mean her child has consistent care and her job is never compromised.

I’m sorry @BeCosyFox you are only seeing this through the lens of what you want and not what is best for your DD or DGC.

I totally think she's making the right decision.

You would be cutting off your nose to spite your face. And showing your daughter you care more about spiting her than seeing your granddaughter.

What? At the two nurseries I used no staff were allowed to have hot drinks anywhere near the children! They could only have them in the staff room on their breaks.

In 25 years we’ve never been allowed hot drinks near children. We’re working.

And if the choice is between a great nursery and grandparents who will insist that he was fine eating Xx and ask whether he really needs a car seat for a short journey?

I appreciate that OP might not be like that, but a loving grandparent is not always the safest form of childcare.

Your comment has no relevance to mine. The point is, OP would actually choose not to help her DD at all unless that help is entirely on her own terms. Would your mother have done that to you?

Some people are very very pro nursery. I'm not, not anti, but would take family over nursery where possible. But some people are absolutely convinced a child must go to nursery to learn to socialise/ get confident/ prepare for school. It may be that she just wants nursery rather than not wanting you.

She likely feels that nursery will offer her more support than just childcare. Social skills, exposure to educational activities, help with robust routines. Don't take it personally, sometimes it's not just about the money, the structure nursery provides IME has been invaluable.

I'd be disappointed too about not spending as much time with this grandchild- but that's the impact on me. I'd also be a bit frustrated that I this is something I could do financially to help- as giving cash for me may not be an option.

But, that's what DD wants and it's her decision.

I'd still absolutely looking DGD after nursery on those days.

I'd soon find something else to fill my days- maybe even offer care to another child, clubs, hobbies etc etc

Edited: to summarise, it may feel like a snub, but I would not treat it that way. You have 3 dinners a week with DD. You also have to build a great relationship with her as you have her at the end of the day (notoriously tricky).

What I take from this thread is utterly is a sad state of affairs when the woman who raised you is not deemed capable of helping out with your children.
What has happened to families that paid help is considered a better option than a living grandparent?
I can only assume it's down to control - parents can control what happens at nursery to a certain degree.
It's so sad when qualifications and an institution are favoured over grandma's house, but that's modern parenting for you, when no one knows anything but the parent, the child is used as a bargainig chip and only research carried out since year zero (ie about 2024) means anything.

I know of one inccident where hot drinks spilled onto a child and the staff did not handle it well they wrapped.the child in something woolen.The child has scars and was badly burnt.Of course it happens.

No, my Mum would definitely still help, that’s a fair point. For example, my Mum will have our children overnight, but if we need her to babysit at ours instead if we have early plans the next morning she is very relaxed and flexible about it all.

I just think some people nowadays are very critical of their own parents/ILs despite the fact that in the majority of cases these people did their best with their own children.

How would you feel in future if you offered help to your DGs but were made to feel less trustworthy/capable than a paid non-family member? We’ll get our turn as GPs remember…

Sorry you’re hurt. It’s tricky for parents relying on family for childcare. I get that you want the time with your grandchild, but it may be that your daughter wants the consistency for her LO.

Last year I was doing 1-2 days a week working while my parents had my son, then they went on a 2 week holiday (which of course they can do that! They’re retired and deserve to enjoy their time) but then my dad got poorly on holiday and was unwell for a long period of time afterwards. It was horrible as my dad was dealing with health struggles, and I felt such guilt for still asking if they could have my son. For a month or so they couldn’t, and then had to cut down on the time they had him. We can’t really live off DH’s income alone and I was in my overdraft by the time my dad was recovering and the stress was a lot. Plus the guilt of feeling like an asshole because my dad wasn’t well and I was worrying about me/us being able to afford to live.

It may be your daughter is worried about something like this, it may be that your daughter thinks the benefits of nursery are worth going with that option (totally valid, socialising with kids their age is good for littlies). But it feels a bit cruel/off to have an all or nothing approach. It’s still a good chunk of hours to spend with your grandchild and it comes off controlling imo to be pressuring your daughter into doing things your way. She’s probably very anxious about being away from her baby as it is and she may resent you for putting pressure on her to accept your offer if she’s not sure it’s what she wants for her child.

No, I wouldn't want 90 mins a day and the awful part of the day at that - the child will be tired after nursery and you can't exactly plan trips out in your 90 minute slot.

Let her go to nursery full time and just see your granddaughter at the weekends, overnight, etc.

I've not read all 300 comments so I don't know if there are any specific points you're addressing, but on face value I think that's a little harsh.

For example, my PILs are wonderful people, wear their hearts on their sleeves and I trust them completely with my DCs. However, they do take the approach (rightfully so) of spoiling their grandkids. Unlimited snacks, when kids are put on the thinking step and cry a little, they scoop them up and shower with kisses and hugs. Now this is not malicious behaviour, it comes from a good place of love, and when we go to see them every couple of weeks, I will allow it because that time of their grandparents is very valuable. But I wouldn't allow it three times a week.

You can have all the chats about boundaries and respecting your parenting style all you want, but in reality when the cats away the mice play - or whatever that expression is