Should both sets of parents be treated the same on Mothers Day?

[Nconee]

Posting before Mothers Day as I’m getting a general idea before I say something.

Son has been with his partner for a few years. He moved in with her last year and is getting married this year. Mother’s Day was shortly after he moved in with her last year. He got me a card and a photo frame. He would always get me similar for Mothers Day. He came to see me a few days before Mother’s Day- alone. I do have other children but they live hours away. I then saw on Facebook they had gone for a meal with her Mum & siblings and bought her Mum got a huge bouquet of flowers and a huge cake.

This year is coming up and I know DIL isn’t particularly keen on me so I am not expecting her to organise my present. I know I am going to be upset when I see her Mums post on Facebook again. They are getting married in the summer. AIBU to expect them to treat us both the same way when it comes to Mother’s Day gifts now? I’m half expecting just a card in the post.

Yes this is true. I think you need to acknowledge that him being your carer was tough on him. It must be hard for you but you need to work to have other things in place so you don't have to rely on him. His wife shouldn't have to speak to you or be blamed for any of this. I'm not sure why you would call her. The other children will definitely be annoyed that you haven't visited them. Get an uber or taxi and just go on the train.

What do you talk about when you are with your children? Do you remain positive? Or do you talk about how hard it is for you all the time? Think about how the relationship is for those around you. It must b hard being disabled but also draining for others to have to hear about all the time, especially if they are being guilt tripped.

Have you got a family WhatsApp chat? Create one with you and your kids. Open the channels of communication. My partners parents never visit and he is embarrassed and annoyed about this.

At the end of the day a mother is a mother 365/6 days of the year. Being a mum is a unique experience - it doesn't matter how many children you have because they are all different and so is mum's relationship with each child. Once they leave home they start a new life, parents take a back seat and whether or not your child continues to want you in their life depends on how they feel about you. If you put pressure on them they'll feel like they're back at home, sometimes they leave to escape parental pressure - if you can't accept any of this and let them be who they want to be you'll most likely lose them. One they've left home they'll have other priorities just like you did when you left home.

The world has changed, we don't live in a society where children grow up, leave home and look after their parents as a default - that's gone. No point expecting them to do what you did for your parents (or didn't do), they want to live their own lives and not be guilt-tripped.

Fully agree. Typical of th uk these days,

It's,sounding to me like she's taken your son away and a bit of jealousy. I have 3 sons and after their dad died they have been pretty rubbish with mothers day I just about get a card lol. On other hand when we got married my MIL lived quite a way from us, never occurred to me to involve her in wedding plans. obviously the brides mum is more involved as mother daughter relationship and somettimes the brides family pay towards wedding, maybe your DILs family are? .
My husband was usually pretty good with buying his own mum a card and flowers or present. Since he died I still send her one as she meant alot to me too.

Omg 😱 what an outdated view that your son is paying for his future mil’s gift!
Your dil was spending her own money on her mum long before your son came along!
sounds very petty that you don’t like that your dil spends more on her mum than your son does on you, when I assume you were happy with what you got previously

Tough one OP.. but this household>family dynamic sounds similarly to ours in the way that we do naturally spend a lot more time with my family, we go on holidays, have games night, dinner on weekends, trips out ect. I’m extremely close to my family, DH also enjoys the things we do as it’s something he never really did growing up (not saying this is a reason, just that it’s valid to spend time doing things you enjoy)

DH family are quite a bit older than mine, very introverted and don’t have any particular interest in doing much. They pop over for a cup of tea most weekends at some point to catch up and see the kids.

when it comes to gifts, DH decides for his family because he knows them best.. and he often just gets something like a card and some shortbread, never more than one item, never anything of big significance. While I choose for my family and we often do gift ‘more’ to them, vouchers along with a bottle of something they like, or something they’re interested in, we tend to buy a lot of tickets to show and experiences.. but this is just what’s been normal for me all of my life, and DH hasn’t changed his ways since we’ve been together (over a decade)

my point is, it’s not because I like my family more than his; it’s just because that’s the done thing and DH has absolutely no interested making any correlation between what we buy my family and what we buy his 😅

DIL probably does like you just fine provided there’s not been any conflict, you usually don’t just dislike your partner mother for no reason.. so try not to think that or it might come across in your tone/body language to her.

Plus if you want nicer gifts, mention it to DS. Say you’ve got enough photo frame to last you a lifetime, and what you really like is insert wants here

You seem to be quite lenient re your other children as they have kids/lives of their own. You do know that isn’t an “excuse” for no effort to be made? Nor is your son not having that setup (yet) a reason why he should be the only one to warrant a moan about.

I went back and RTFT.. OP there is something wrong here; you haven’t seen one of your children since after Covid.. that’s years!? You have grandchildren, do they not want a relationship with you, if not you need to work on why and how to rebuild.

from your posts I honestly get the feeling there’s a train why all of your children have quite literally distanced themselves from you, there must be something? I’m close with my mum and wouldn’t dream of moving hours away from her if I could help it, and if I did I would certainly be making an effort on weekends to visit and not let it be years before we go again.

im not even that close with my dad and I’ve still seen him more times than you’ve seen your children.. and he lives in a different country.

i feel like there is probably much more underlying to this situation; whether you are aware of it or not.

You may have spent same time, money and effort for your own mum as you mil but it is only up to your son to do what he wants for you not your dil

It isn't her responsibility not to be shit. It's your sons. She gets her mum a present and spends the day with her- your son doesn't do the same. He has no involvement with the purchasing of the gift or the spending time, he's going along with her. You need to communicate your expectations to him, and not make it an expectation on her.

Op- you have not seen your daughter sunce Covid due to ..... circumstances??? Weird under any

OP, what I’m about to write may seem harsh, but I don’t mean it unkindly. It seems like your relationships with all of your children are a bit rocky. Hopefully, you can make some changes that will result in improvements.

First and foremost, you need to contact social services and arrange for any help you may need. Put yourself into a position where you don’t need to ask any of your children for help. The impression I get is that your DS feels he had to put his life on hold in order to be your carer. At this point, it doesn’t matter if you think this is true. If it felt that way to him, it will affect how he relates to you. You also need to find more happiness in your day to day life. Find hobbies you enjoy. Join a support group for people with your kind of health issues. Spend time with your sisters or friends.

I don’t know why your relationships with your other children are so distant. I think you need to seek counseling to help you figure out what went wrong. You need to be willing to be honest with yourself and do a lot of self reflection. You may need to ask them directly why they limit contact with you. Whatever you do, don’t argue with them about it. Listen to what they have to say. Sincerely apologize and work on your attitudes and behaviors that have caused the limited contact. Hopefully, if they see that you have worked on changing, they may be willing to have a closer relationship with you.

Next, apologize to DS for relying so heavily on him in the past and reassure him that you have made arrangements for your current and future needs, so now you can focus on just enjoying each other’s company. Also apologize to both him and his fiancé for how you have reacted about Mother’s Day. Stop looking at her family on social media and never try to make comparisons of your relationships again. Just like your individual relationships with each of your children is different, DS and DIL will have a different relationship with you than they do with her family.

You have come across as entitled concerning your relationship with your DS. You seem to be in competition with DIL and her family. You need to realize that DS made a lot of sacrifices to be your carer. Saying that you made sure he had a clean home and meals doesn’t equal him putting his life on hold (to a point) to be your carer. You need to understand that as a parent, it is our job to provide for our children and helping them to transition into being independent adults. This doesn’t entitle us to them becoming our carers. Acknowledge the sacrifices DS has made for you and let him know that you are doing everything in your power so he can focus on building his future family with DIL.

A big thing you seem to be doing right is understanding that your other children are busy with their own families. I applaud you for understanding that their primary focus needs to be their spouses and children. Please give DS that same understanding as he builds his family with DIL. Ask him to share his new boundaries with you and follow them. Not calling after 9pm unless it’s an emergency is a reasonable boundary. I think it would be lovely to try and set up a day near to holidays to celebrate with your children. Maybe the weekend before or after each holiday.

Comparison is the thief of joy....

Our mother's are very different people. We also live close by one mum and far from the other. But I always sort out something for my mum, and I do what I know she'll like. And DH sorts his mum, doing what he knows she'll like. Occasionally if we're really busy (we both work, we have a small child, life gets hectic) then I will grab both presents (there is some cross over in tastes). But as more often than not one has to be delivered or we have to be specifically visiting that weekend, they get different stuff.

This year we're going out for lunch with one mother. The one who lives far away, because we happened to have booked in that weekend to visit without realising it was mothers day (we plan in advance). That means the other won't be seen face to face this year on mother's day. But usually it's the other way round.

Everyone views it differently, everyone feels differently. I would just feel happy that your son has thought enough to send you something he knows you'll like, and not worry about what your DIL does with her mum, whether your son tags along to it or not.

Not true.

We are married. We have family money and our own "disposable". Things like mother's day presents come out of the disposable. So I choose what to spend on my mum and he chooses what to spend on his.

He always spends more than I do. And that's because my mum would go insane if I spent loads when we have a mortgage and bills and a small child. But his mum expects a certain "level" of present.

Don't compare. Think about the thought he's put in rather than the £ amount spent on either.

not true.
many kind posters have given sensible and practical advice.
what they have also done is said it is NOT ok ti visit an elderly patent , who is guilt tripping and emotionally manipulative.

That isn't true in this case. OP hasn't seen her daughter for five years but her youngest son acted as her carer for many years before moving out to live with his fiancee. He seems to be the only child that makes any sort of effort with his mum, yet he is the only one getting grief from her.

It's not up to your DIL to sort gifts for you.

When my DM was alive I would buy her a nice gift/flowers but DH sorts his own dm out. He's not particularly thoughtful with gifts for his dm but then neither is she so I don't worry about it!

Totally normal that the bride’s family are more involved in the wedding planning. From reading your posts, I think you’re making issues out of things that aren’t issues at all.

At this point I'm really struggling to understand what wouldn't be considered emotionally manipulative from the OP to be honest. She's been called vindictive, accused of making her son's life miserable because he supported her as her carer (yes that's hard and shouldn't be dismissed as a cause of resentment), she's been told that she should get her other children spend more time with her instead of her son, but at the same time been berated as needy for trying to spend time with them. She's been told to expect nothing from her kids. Of course you can't force anybody to do something and I agree with all of the comments about not making her dil responsible and she shouldn't be comparing with her MIL, but I am shocked at the utter lack of empathy for someone who is clearly a bit upset and lonely, which I think anybody in OP's position would be.

If siblings & I were taking my mum out for lunch & my partner decided to come along rather than seeing his own mum I'd find that odd tbh.

He might be putting boundaries in place but why does that have to mean not bothering with his mum on mother's day?

Perhaps distance is also a factor as with his siblings?

Unfortunately it’s not her job but your son’s to arrange presents. Girls are very sentimental about things like this and boys tend to be low key. Some boys can make a fuss but majority will think a card a picture is huge. Teacher your son how you want to be treated, if you didn’t set the standards when they were younger then it will be difficult for him to start now. He is only doing what is natural for him.

You haven't seen this child since COVID (so what, 5 years?) yet you are fussing about a son who gives you a gift and has been their for you.
I really don't understand your logic.

I think there is clearly bigger issues hence none of your children visiting. As others have said, 1.5 hours is a daily commute for some people. Not seeing one child since COVID due to 'circumstance' is also strange, as surely they could visit at some point no matter how busy (at least once in those years!).

You also seem to ignore comments about getting help, from carers and joining social groups, and give mixed messages about the extent to which your son was/wasn't your carer (one minute you sound completely housebound, but then if you 'push' yourself you can get out). I think you hold yourself back mentally and it's no wonder your son is confused. Likewise as you have to 'push' yourself to go out for meals maybe DIL doesn't ask you because she thinks you can't do it. Same with her family, maybe they don't contact you as they see you as incapable of joining in family events.

I get that becoming disabled has had an impact on you but it's not fair to push this onto your children. Have you had counselling?

Your son's a grown man, I don't sort my husbands presents out for his side of the family so if he gets them nothing that's down to him. He doesn't do it for my side of the family so I stopped doing it and thought why should I take on that extra stress.

I’ve read all your updates and my take on it is that your DS is starting his own family and you have a deep set jealousy because of his DIL relationship with her mum. That relationship is nothing to do with you and you will only (well have) drive a wedge between you and your son.

yoh also seem to expect him to do so much more than any of your other children. This is unreasonable. You need to address this with your other children. Even busy and with multiple children themselves, it seems that there is more at play because none of them have seen you in a long period of time.

im making a big jump, but I imagine his fiance is keeping back because he has spoken of his relationship with you and your reliance on him rather than with other children. She can see how unbalanced that is and doesn’t was to take on some role in your life over what your other children offer.I imagine she has heard his side of the story (which is probably very different to yours) and, as I can’t, doesn’t understand why you are focusing on him and not you other children.

fron your initial posts he does mark Mother’s Day with apparently more than your other children. You are jealous that she does more for her mum and are to a degree expecting her to do the same for you (because he never has).

you also started the arguments either him, even though there is a lot of advice on her saying not too.

if you struggle walking and public transport can you not hire a mobility scooter? Many towns have them at shop mobility and the like. You’re technically savvy enough to post on here so you will be capable to find out how you can get help on public transport. It seems you are almost putting these various issues in place to prevent you seeing your other children but excuse them for not seeing you.

maybe speak with your gp to see if you can get some talking therapy to help unpick all of this?