Page 29 | Should both sets of parents be treated the same on Mothers Day?

Pessismistic · 08/03/2025 22:11

Nconee · 07/03/2025 12:06

Posting before Mothers Day as I’m getting a general idea before I say something.

Son has been with his partner for a few years. He moved in with her last year and is getting married this year. Mother’s Day was shortly after he moved in with her last year. He got me a card and a photo frame. He would always get me similar for Mothers Day. He came to see me a few days before Mother’s Day- alone. I do have other children but they live hours away. I then saw on Facebook they had gone for a meal with her Mum & siblings and bought her Mum got a huge bouquet of flowers and a huge cake.

This year is coming up and I know DIL isn’t particularly keen on me so I am not expecting her to organise my present. I know I am going to be upset when I see her Mums post on Facebook again. They are getting married in the summer. AIBU to expect them to treat us both the same way when it comes to Mother’s Day gifts now? I’m half expecting just a card in the post.

Can I just say it’s horrible how your feeling but unfortunately it does sound like dil isn’t keen on you. This happens a lot she wants your son to step back from you and she’s probably pushing for this and he’s planning a wedding which you have no involvement in. Please do not compare Mother’s Day as daughters tend to make more effort with there own mum especially if they have a good relationship. It’s hard but the last thing you want is to fall out before the wedding try to keep it civil with your son. Good luck.

Hungrycaterpillarsmummy · 08/03/2025 22:11

Nconee · 07/03/2025 12:14

He lived with me so we would get a takeaway and if one of my other children came to visit we could either have a big takeaway or go for dinner depending on how I was feeling.

The type of gift he got me hasn’t changed. But they’re getting married now and it’s obvious she spends much more on her Mum which in turn means my DS is spending more on her Mum as it will all be coming out of the same pot regardless.

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Because generally women make plans and effort with their family.

Hungrycaterpillarsmummy · 08/03/2025 22:12

Can I ask- was the gifts/experience you organised for you mum the same as MIL in the past?

Ilovecleaning · 08/03/2025 22:13

SouthLondonMum22 · 08/03/2025 21:48

Men are capable of it, it's just easier when someone else does it for them.

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I agree. They are often enabled by women.

StampOnTheGround · 08/03/2025 22:13

Hey OP, I have always spent more on my mum than my husband has on his (for any event). Just because we got married and our money suddenly combined, the amount we spent didn't change.

saffronspices · 08/03/2025 22:25

Somehow I don't think there's going to be a happy ending to all this. You seem unable to let your son live his own life and be able to make his own decisions. I understand that you're lonely and have disabilities but you have your sisters nearby who appear willing to help where they can. It sounds awful to read how vindictive you sound towards your son and DIL and her family but it's all too common these days - people sharing their lives online and the jealous crew are there sticking the boot in.

It's really none of your business what your son & DIL choose to do, they're both adults and free to do as they please, they don't need anyone's permission to do anything.

FindingNeverland28 · 08/03/2025 22:28

Nconee · 07/03/2025 12:14

He lived with me so we would get a takeaway and if one of my other children came to visit we could either have a big takeaway or go for dinner depending on how I was feeling.

The type of gift he got me hasn’t changed. But they’re getting married now and it’s obvious she spends much more on her Mum which in turn means my DS is spending more on her Mum as it will all be coming out of the same pot regardless.

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That’s not necessarily the case. My DH and I have a set amount that we set aside for presents for parents, siblings, etc. if either one of us wants to spend more than that amount for one of our family members then it comes out of our ‘pocket money’.

MyLimeGuide · 08/03/2025 22:39

JoyousEagle · 07/03/2025 12:37

Agreed.

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I agree too, mothers day is about saying thankyou and showing love to your mum (who has been a mum for decades) not self indulging yourself because you now how children!! That's so entitled!! And partners getting involved is just bloody annoying too.

CarpetKnees · 08/03/2025 22:48

Jinglejanglejangle · 08/03/2025 20:59

I think you need to concentrate on your actual relationship with all your children and what's gone wrong there because clearly if all of them are always too "busy" to see you there is more at play than being busy bluntly. As for you DS, it sounds to me that he sees your relationship as a stress in itself as you just constantly needed him when your job was to guide him and give him tools for the future.

I run a business, have a teenage child with SEND, as well as two others including a toddler and still manage to make time for my DP's because we actually have a relationship. I don't make a massive fuss of Mothers Day - a sarky card and some flowers suffices because our relationship is all year round. We don't need some contrived bullshit to prove we care about each other.

Edited

Totally agree with this.

Jumpingthruhoops · 08/03/2025 22:56

You shouldn't expect anyone to do anything. Rather than focus on whether your son/DIL will organise a 'performative' lunch, just to keep things 'equal', maybe reflect on why 'DIL isn't particularly keen on you'?

PorridgeEater · 08/03/2025 23:07

PandaTime · 08/03/2025 12:31

I think you are underestimating the impact being a carer can have on a person. How it changes the relationship. Instead of it being a mother and son relationship, it became a disabled person and carer relationship. Which he didn't sign up for. He did it all because no one else would. He's trying to live his own life now but is still being expected to put himself out because no one else will. So of course he's angry and resentful. You need to build a life for yourself where you don't have to rely on your children to meet your needs. That isn't their job. You are their mother, not their responsibility.

This is very true - it may be hard for you to see but it can be an unrelenting responsibility being a carer. Now he needs his own life and you would be well advised to make your own life too.
Mothers day is a great excuse for commercial hype - florists etc making money out of it. As far as I know there is no rule saying you have to be treated the same as MiL. Maybe have lunch with friends instead?

Peaceandquietandacuppa · 08/03/2025 23:13

Moonnstars · 08/03/2025 21:10

He always gets her a card and present. She is being ungrateful as she noticed on social media that his fiancé does more for her mum. We have no idea who pays for her mum to be spoilt as the photo was with siblings. For all we know DILS mum may have even treated all the children to a meal out!
Her son also has several siblings who don't bother, but that's ok it seems.
He is the only child that has stuck around taking on a caring role. I think the poster was happy for him to be single as this meant she had company. Rather than being happy he has met someone she is now finding fault with DIL.

I have suggested the OP speaks to her GP or social services about support. This could be carers as she implies she can't leave the house. Or it could be support groups.

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Agree with all of this. The poster only cares about competing with the DIL’s mother, she had no complaints about her son before seeing the Facebook post.

She should definitely seek help from GP and stop guilt tripping her son.

MusicMakesItAllBetter · 08/03/2025 23:16

Nconee · 07/03/2025 12:14

He lived with me so we would get a takeaway and if one of my other children came to visit we could either have a big takeaway or go for dinner depending on how I was feeling.

The type of gift he got me hasn’t changed. But they’re getting married now and it’s obvious she spends much more on her Mum which in turn means my DS is spending more on her Mum as it will all be coming out of the same pot regardless.

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I understand where you're coming from however you have to stop comparing or you risk your relationship with your son.

It's their pot to spend how they want to.
I understand being hurt by not getting equal but instead of stewing and becoming bitter, just tell him you'd like it very much for you to have a lunch/dinner/arvo tea for mother's day.

Jealousy is not a good feeling to have.
Ditch it

Original poster

Nconee · 08/03/2025 23:40

Tandora · 08/03/2025 19:31

I’m so sorry OP, men are selfish 💔 . Do you have any daughters?

I do but unfortunately due to circumstances haven’t seen her since just after Covid. Hoping to be able to get the train down to see her and the kids soon

OP posts:

Original poster

Nconee · 08/03/2025 23:44

We have spoken today and he is coming to see me Mother’s Day week. Hoping I can get down to the others maybe the day before if I can, just waiting to hear back from them. It’s better than nothing and I’m glad we’re no longer arguing. I did apologise to him on the phone for yesterday

OP posts:

friendlycat · 08/03/2025 23:53

Nconee · 08/03/2025 23:44

We have spoken today and he is coming to see me Mother’s Day week. Hoping I can get down to the others maybe the day before if I can, just waiting to hear back from them. It’s better than nothing and I’m glad we’re no longer arguing. I did apologise to him on the phone for yesterday

Please please take on board the advice you’ve been given on this thread and try and put perspective on everything.

Out of interest who phoned whom today?

Orchidflower1 · 09/03/2025 00:04

Nconee · 08/03/2025 23:40

I do but unfortunately due to circumstances haven’t seen her since just after Covid. Hoping to be able to get the train down to see her and the kids soon

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Why has your daughter not been to see you?

DaniMontyRae · 09/03/2025 00:16

Nconee · 08/03/2025 23:44

We have spoken today and he is coming to see me Mother’s Day week. Hoping I can get down to the others maybe the day before if I can, just waiting to hear back from them. It’s better than nothing and I’m glad we’re no longer arguing. I did apologise to him on the phone for yesterday

I hope you recognise that your son is still putting in more effort than your other children. Please appreciate him and your relationship. The others could easily stick the kids in the car and drive the 90 mins to you.

NeshButUpNorth · 09/03/2025 00:16

Generally speaking, daughters make more effort with their efforts than sons. This is something we hope we can assume will be something we can rely on, although not guaranteed

Sadly, a lot of sons don't put in much effort with their parents. That's always my assumption

friendlycat · 09/03/2025 00:24

DaniMontyRae · 09/03/2025 00:16

I hope you recognise that your son is still putting in more effort than your other children. Please appreciate him and your relationship. The others could easily stick the kids in the car and drive the 90 mins to you.

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This is so true sadly. My late parents lived 2 hours away from me and I regularly went for lunch. Once my mother sadly died I went every other weekend to see my father.

Nonrienderien · 09/03/2025 00:26

This thread appears to be ridden with people who don't give a damn about the elderly & disabled.

friendlycat · 09/03/2025 00:30

One last comment from me tonight. You say “it’s better than nothing “ that you’re seeing him the week of Mother’s Day. It sounds very judgmental and critical.

People should want to see each other, not be forced into it.

friendlycat · 09/03/2025 00:32

Nonrienderien · 09/03/2025 00:26

This thread appears to be ridden with people who don't give a damn about the elderly & disabled.

I cared very deeply about my elderly father and how he was feeling. Which was why I drove every other week to see him for over 4 hours. It is perfectly possible albeit quite draining whilst working full time.

InWalksBarberalla · 09/03/2025 00:58

I think the OP's son is clearly trying to pit boundaries in place. It sounds like he fell into the carers role because he was the youngest sibling and still at home. Now he is getting married and possibly planning his own family and is reminding his mum she has other children. I think the OP should reassure her son that she isn't going to expect him to take on the role of her carer again. Otherwise I can see him pulling even further back.

Whereisthelove2 · 09/03/2025 01:10

Your DIL will be doing for her own Mum like she always has, and it’s down to YOUR SON to make an effort for you. If you want things to be better with your DIL then stop blaming her for your son’s behaviour. I lived this situation as a DIL, and the approach I ended up taking was to encourage him to see his mother regularly, and I would go now and then.