Should both sets of parents be treated the same on Mothers Day?

[Nconee]

Posting before Mothers Day as I’m getting a general idea before I say something.

Son has been with his partner for a few years. He moved in with her last year and is getting married this year. Mother’s Day was shortly after he moved in with her last year. He got me a card and a photo frame. He would always get me similar for Mothers Day. He came to see me a few days before Mother’s Day- alone. I do have other children but they live hours away. I then saw on Facebook they had gone for a meal with her Mum & siblings and bought her Mum got a huge bouquet of flowers and a huge cake.

This year is coming up and I know DIL isn’t particularly keen on me so I am not expecting her to organise my present. I know I am going to be upset when I see her Mums post on Facebook again. They are getting married in the summer. AIBU to expect them to treat us both the same way when it comes to Mother’s Day gifts now? I’m half expecting just a card in the post.

Just leaving this here because hopefully I don't need to point out how awful this comment is. But mainly to remind everyone that being able bodied is temporary. We will all need care at some point. Also if it had been a younger couple and the man left his wife when she got ill I don't think anyone would consider it acceptable to refer to it as her fault.

The type of gift he got me hasn’t changed

This suggests that had he got a girlfriend who just got a card/flowers for her mum, you'd still be happy with that, but as he's got one that does more, you're jealous and want that too?!

This is brilliant
@Nconee
read this again.
it puts it’s so eloquently.
my mil alienated all her kids.
one eventually went Nc.
one moved literally to the other end of the country to escape carers duty , they felt would all fall to them, as last one at home.
goldenchild (my dh) kept her firmly at arms length ( I encouraged visits )

other adult child - lived the nearest, was completely Led a merry dance, used, abused, and then cut out the will.
( we made sure they got their share).

Don’t Let this be you.
there is still time.
we all loved mil, as I bet your kids love you.
but you will just push them away if you carry on as you are doing.

You haven’t seen a number of your children for years. I would be having a deeper think about why this is and if you can look back and see if there’s anything you have done to contribute to this.

It’s tough to think our own actions can be to blame but it’s highly unusual for all of your children to be so uninvolved in your life.

You’ve obviously never been on the end of a controlling , guilt tripping , and manipulative elderly person.
I have.
and it’s always the same - they are elderly , lonely and have disabilities- and most of their friends have fell by the way.
Spend any time with these people and it doesn’t take long to figure out why.
and there is absolutely no reason for these people to be so ’obnoxious’.
You reap what you sow…..
And believe me , they were just the same when they were young, fit and healthy.
they could some how get away with it then.
I also have a very dear friend, who is a little older, lives alone , loveliest , kindness person - still quite healthy - tons of friends, devoted son and dil.
always Been the same.
I do have empathy for anyone who is lonely, disabled etc but at the same time frustrated they can’t see how they drive people away and that things could be so different if they showed a bit of empathy/ kindness.

OP something. Has gone wrong in your family relationships. You have a very distant relationship with all but one of your children and now your son is distancing himself from you.

Your post is very self indulgent.

Why do you think you have such a poor relationship with your children? Why do you feel the need to lash out at your son? Why do you feel jealous of your soon to be DIL’s mother? Why do you struggle to connect with these new people on your son’s life.

there is a common factor in all this - and it’s you.

maybe ask for some honest feedback from your sister? When someone has so many difficult relationships it is usually not everyone else’s fault.

. I rely on lifts from other people as it isn’t safe to use transport by myself. When my son lived with me he would often take me to the train station.

I think you need to build your own strategies for independence. If he took you to the train station often, you can get then train, yes? So rather than relying on lifts from other people, why not use taxis to get you to the station?

In our family Mother Days is something fun for primary children to make a fuss of. They make a nice card and give you a big hug and that's about it. Other families continue this on with lavish gifts and meals out for adults. Every family is different.

You are your son's mother and not your DIL's.

I think it’s interesting and possibly quite telling that your adult children who have children themselves are more distant with you than the one who doesn’t have his own kids.

When you have children, it forces you to reflect and compare your own childhood experiences. For those who didn’t have a great childhood, it can stir up a lot of negative feelings and resentment. That was certainly the case for me.

It wouldn’t surprise me at all if my own DM thought that I’m now distant with her because I’m so busy with family life, running around all the time with my kids etc. But that isn’t the reason at all. It’s because when I see how much I love and care for my own DC, I can’t quite believe how I was treated during my own childhood.

Something to think about OP….

Maybe your son would post an OP saying should all adult children be treated the same. It sounds like you put a lot of expectations on one of your children and none on the others. Having their own children doesn't excuse them from sharing the load with him. It must be incredibly stressful for him to have the burden of all of the responsibility and it must be difficult for his partner too. Perhaps her mum doesn't put so much pressure on her so she wants to plan and do things for Mother's Day. I do feel sad for you OP, but you need to look at things from his perspective and stop making excuses for your other children that allows them to opt out and everything to fall on him. He probably feels resentment and guilt in equal measure. One day the resentment will outweigh the guilt and your relationship will be unsalvagable. He shouldn't be made to feel either of those things btw.

On mother's day I go and see my mum DH goes and sees his mum we don't do it together never have in 30 years.

Why on earth do you expect your Son's partner to organise anything for you on Mothers day ? Your son is an adult, has he been brought to believe that any woman he marries becomes his second Mum ? Speak to your Son now about having lunch with you on Mothers day, if you don't do it now than for the rest of his life he will tag along with the plans his wife makes and you will never see him on Mothering Sunday or Christmas day again.

I know it's old fashioned to say now but most men I know make less fuss about mothers day, birthdays and Christmas than their wives/partners.

My partner never makes much of a fuss with mothers day. He got his mam a card that said 'just like a mother' and I had to explain she is his mother and not actually like a mother. 🙄 I definitely do more for my mam than my partner does with his. And now we have children he does more for me on mother's day than his mam.

OP I don't think you have listened if the result is that he is still expected to visit you but your other children are given a pass and you are running around after them

That’s unnecessarily harsh.
i don’t think the son and dil are doing anything wrong by spending more on her mum, but to criticize the op regards her relationship with her kids is not needed.
we all parent differently, and it’s not necessarily the op’s fault her kids are lax with their contact with her.

Your son will be getting your Mother’s Day card and present so there will no change there.
You are going to be very disappointed when you have grandchildren as your
daughter in law will see her mother more often and will ask her for baby advice
and babysitting

It traditional in the UK for the bride's family to organise and pay for the wedding so perhaps they just followed that tradition.

It's learned helplessness. And entirely up to the individual as to whether or not you choose to teach it.

I have no interest in doing Wifework so I don't do Wifework. My MiL does not miss out because DH is a perfectly capable, sentient adult who can remember dates and arrange cards and gifts perfectly well by himself.

If some men decide to be 'useless' - and it is very much a choice - then this is a 'them' problem. It's astonishing in this day and age that the first recourse of blame is always the nearest available woman.

I don't think you're reading what others are.

Ok it was harsh for PP to say DH left because of OPs demands, we don't know that to be the case. But OPs son is her son, that's not the same as a man leaving his ill wife - that man would have made vows he was breaking, OPs son never signed up for being her carer. He's entitled to his own life and to draw boundaries with a mother who by her own admission expects much more from him than she does from his siblings, which is unfair.

It's not OPs fault she needs care, but no one blames her for that - but for the unfair expectations she has of only one of her children. It's not her son's job to fill in for his absent father and older siblings.

I’m not saying she should’ve reminded him. I’m saying I can see why the poster might think that but not her DIL problem

It is OP's fault that she allows her older children to neglect her with impunity but the son who acted as her carer for many years after she became ill is held to higher standards and gets late night phone calls complaining about him not visiting his mum on Mother's Day.

OP's daughter hasn't seen her mum for five years but OP seems strangely unbothered about this.

How can they be too busy to come visit their own mum. OP they need a kick up the bum. I can tell why youngest DS is getting stressed with you making the most demands from him, with the others not bothering. I feel sad for you, I think you need to talk to them and tell them how u feel, sounds like they too wrapped up in own lives, so see how lovely their mum is

Relationships are usually more complicated than this.

OP’s children can’t have been so busy for years.

there is something else going on here.

From how OP described how she confronted her son and blamed his fiancée I suspect OP has difficult relationships with all her children.

it’s not too late though - but OP needs to be self aware. Think through what has caused all her children to distance themselves from her. Why she has a difficult relationship with the new people in her son’s life. Not everyone can be that honest about their flaws and
mistakes though. It’s easier to blame others.

OP, can I suggest that now that you've resolved the argument you had with your DS, that you perhaps try to mend things, by inviting him and his fiancee to go OUT with you for a meal - your treat, if you can afford it. Tell him you've realised that you've slipped into the habit of expecting him to do things for you because he lives closest, and used to look after you at home, but you've realised how unfair that is on him, so have decided that it's time to make a fresh start, and you would like to him and his fiancee out to dinner, as a thank you for all that he's done for you in the past. This might just be a way of drawing a line under the mistakes that you've made, and re-setting your relationship with them both.

Just a thought, I'm an older, disabled woman myself, and when I was growing up, we had a neighbour, who everyone avoided, because EVERY time someone said, 'Hello, how are you' to her, she would say, 'oh, I've got so much pain, I can't walk, blah, blah, blah'. She was one of those people who didn't seem to realise that when people ask how you are, they're just being polite, but don't really mean it, and certainly don't want your ailments gone through in detail. Having seen how everyone avoided her because of this, when I became disabled, I made up my mind to avoid talking to people about my ailments, when they ask how I am, so I just tend to say 'I'm fine thanks, how about you?' Could it be, that because you don't get out much, and are lonely, that you have slipped into the habit of doing this? Have a think about it, and be honest with yourself. Then, think about what you can do to make your conversation more interesting. I am lucky enough to have a wonderful DH, and we happily spend most of our time together, because of this, it would be easy to have nothing fresh to talk about, but one way I've found, is to chat with him about some of the subjects that come up on Mumsnet. I tell him about the funny ones, some of the serious ones, etc., and it's often interesting to get a man's opinion about a particular topic. I also try and keep an eye on the news, so that there are things to talk about there, and when we meet other people, I make a point of asking about how they are, what they've been doing, etc., rather than concentrating on talking about myself. Maybe give this some thought, so that you don't always talk to your DS about the same old things. Just my thoughts, but maybe they might help.

OP it sounds tough but I think your anger and upset is directed at the wrong person. Your son looked after you single handlidly for years. What a kind man. Yet the others don’t come and visit you, their own mother for years and that’s ok ‘because they have children’.

They should be making even more of an effort. I’m guessing you never see your grandchildren? Yet you make excuses for this.

Your daughter hasn’t been to see you in 5 years. That’s pretty poor. Yet your son who was your live in carer for many years is the one you are upset with?

It all sounds a bit of a mess but the rest of your children need to step up.

I can’t imagine not seeing my Mum for years. She lives 4 hours away. So what we took the kids up and down the M1. Quite often just me and the kids if DH couldn’t make it.

I hope things improve.