Should both sets of parents be treated the same on Mothers Day?

[Nconee]

Posting before Mothers Day as I’m getting a general idea before I say something.

Son has been with his partner for a few years. He moved in with her last year and is getting married this year. Mother’s Day was shortly after he moved in with her last year. He got me a card and a photo frame. He would always get me similar for Mothers Day. He came to see me a few days before Mother’s Day- alone. I do have other children but they live hours away. I then saw on Facebook they had gone for a meal with her Mum & siblings and bought her Mum got a huge bouquet of flowers and a huge cake.

This year is coming up and I know DIL isn’t particularly keen on me so I am not expecting her to organise my present. I know I am going to be upset when I see her Mums post on Facebook again. They are getting married in the summer. AIBU to expect them to treat us both the same way when it comes to Mother’s Day gifts now? I’m half expecting just a card in the post.

I don't see an issue with this, she has probably always made a big fuss of her mum on mother's day, and your son hasn't. Different families, Different ways. My son often forgets a card for me, daughter goes all out, I don't get upset, it's just how it is. Just hide her on fb so you don't have to see her posts if it upsets you.

I'm sorry OP it sounds hard, l would agree surely it's not too much to invite both mothers for a meal out, it would be more considerate but of course DIL will always prioritise her DM and your DS will want an easy life, that's want most men want

I think you need to concentrate on your actual relationship with all your children and what's gone wrong there because clearly if all of them are always too "busy" to see you there is more at play than being busy bluntly. As for you DS, it sounds to me that he sees your relationship as a stress in itself as you just constantly needed him when your job was to guide him and give him tools for the future.

I run a business, have a teenage child with SEND, as well as two others including a toddler and still manage to make time for my DP's because we actually have a relationship. I don't make a massive fuss of Mothers Day - a sarky card and some flowers suffices because our relationship is all year round. We don't need some contrived bullshit to prove we care about each other.

Your son may also assume you are not as much of a present person as her mum if you've always been fine with what's happened in the past. I'm not into big extravagant presents myself, so if my son's partner went all out for her mum it wouldn't bother me at all, in fact I would prefer if they didn't do the same for me.

It's very normal for the bride's mother to go wedding shopping and not the mother in law. It didn't even occur to me that mine would have expected to be invited.

He always gets her a card and present. She is being ungrateful as she noticed on social media that his fiancé does more for her mum. We have no idea who pays for her mum to be spoilt as the photo was with siblings. For all we know DILS mum may have even treated all the children to a meal out!
Her son also has several siblings who don't bother, but that's ok it seems.
He is the only child that has stuck around taking on a caring role. I think the poster was happy for him to be single as this meant she had company. Rather than being happy he has met someone she is now finding fault with DIL.

I have suggested the OP speaks to her GP or social services about support. This could be carers as she implies she can't leave the house. Or it could be support groups.

I think you need to be careful here. My mil recently said to my dh "I bet you always made a big effort for mil" my mum died last year. My dh made no effort for my mums mother's day, birthday, Christmas. That was my job. I feel like muting mil for a year. I bet she was delighted when her competition died.

I think the biggest issue is your health and disability meaning a lot has been put on the child who stayed at home longest. I get what you say about you cooking meals for him but honestly having to stay home with his mum when he is an adult and the fact you say he couldn't move out after you got sick sounds quite unfair to him. That isn't your fault but I can understand why he is now enjoying his freedom.

I live 5 hours from my mum and manage to see her around 4-6 times a year so I am amazed your daughter hasn't seen you since 2020. I.5 hours is also not difficult for day trips so the other 4 seem to have been happy to leave your DS to sort out hospital appointments and other things. Can you look into patient transport so you don't always have to ask him?

9pm is too late to ring and if you ring every day that is too much unless he has indicated he is ok and clearly he isn't. I would stick to once a week and give him some breathing space especially after 2 fractious phone calls. Put Mother's Day on the back burner as you have more than that to think about.

DiL isn't the issue your son is.

Clearly DiL makes a lot of effort for her mum. It isn't like he wanted to do the same for you and she didn't come.

If you want more fuss from your son talk to him but don't compare

You ans DiLs mum aren't their kids so expecting to be treated the same is odd

I don’t know what should happen. But we always have the exact same experience with our mums because we meet up together. My DH is one of 4 (mix of types of siblings). I am one of 2 (brother lives abroad). Every year I organise and pay for my DM, DF, Daunt, DMIL, DH, DSD, DS and I to do something. 8 of us. All together for Mother’s Day. I am a mum and I organise and pay for it. Always have …. People will think that unconventional. Controversially I think Mother’s Day is a waste of time but a good time for a catch up.

you will have to speak to your child to sort it out. If having a takeaway together is your thing. Maybe you could do that a different day.

Whether it’s fair or not women do end up organising gifts, Mothers Day gifts and so on because most men are useless at it.

Sorry op, your dil is not there to make up for your far away other kids and her hubby.

if you have these kind of expectations, I understand that she isn’t keen on you.

Please stop with this. Men are not useless at it, they think it’s woman work and therefore beneath them. It’s offensive on so many levels.

So true.

My hubby gets his mum his gift and plan what he wants to do with her. He does it because he wants to do it.

It sounds like his life was on hold while his siblings lived theirs, it is his turn now. Speak to the others if you are feeling lonely, he deserves a break.

Men are capable of it, it's just easier when someone else does it for them.

OP do you have MS or another neurological condition?

I had a good job but then I got sick and was medically retired and this meant that DS couldn’t move out.

And therein lies the crux of the issue

You get sick and he got stuck

Just going to echo that it’s not your DILs ‘job’ to get you a present but I get that it hurts very much to see them all out for her mum on Mother’s Day while his own mum sits at home. And it’d be easy to wonder why she hadn’t told him to go and see his own mum. Men are generally a bit crap in this department. I think you need to speak honestly with your son - it’s a tricky one as he might think you’re too demanding (I don’t) plus consider if he really made the effort before. My mum died last year and I’d give anything to have another Mother’s Day with her. Sometimes people realise that too late

I think this sounds hard and I empathise.

You could leave it a few days and then message your son. I’m sorry about the phone calls etc.. I would like to invite you and dil out in April (to do something they like.) Go and try to have a good time.. begin to gradually build better feeling. Over time the relationships can hopefully be improved x

Sorry but this is entirely your sons’ fault!!!
i must say I’m shocked and don’t understand why you think you’d be getting the same as your DILs mum when you also say you don’t expect her to organise it?? I wondered if you were the sort of mum that did all the organising for your son/family and now he doesn’t think about it. I expect so!

I am curious about the wedding - will you be invited
are you well enough to go
how do you plan on getting there
how will you cope with all the standing around
how will you get home afterwards

You say it's not her job, but then she's getting the blame for not reminding him? When she said they're going out for mothers day, that should've served as enough of a reminder.

Men really are not stupid. It only benefits them that women perpetuate this idea, because then a woman comes along and does everything he doesn't want to, and he's absolved of blame either way. If it's not done it's not his fault, it's the woman's for not reminding him.

Men go to war, they pack everything they need, they communicate with people, they read notes from enemies and notice subtle slights. How many generals have needed their moms/wives/girlfriends to accompany them because "Men just aren't very good at organising their troops"?

They are very capable, they just can't be arsed.

I missed the update where you said at one point your DS couldn't move out because you were ill. WTF! Of course he could, he chose to stay and this is the thanks he gets. It sounds like you're full of self-pity.
I might sound harsh, but I have a life limiting condition. I've been in ICU several times, twice, not expected to survive on life support. I receive PIP (enhanced rate for both care and mobility). Over my dead body would I allow my now adult DC to provide any care. I will remain seriously ill for what's left of my life. I can't even eat (let alone drink alcohol), but still go out regularly and thoroughly enjoy spending time at DS and DIL's home with their new baby. We last went out on Wednesday. My illness makes me want to share their joy, not drag them down with my illness. We rarely speak of it unless there's an emergent situation. Fake it if you need to. No one wants to be around misery.
I have no right to their young lives, even if it means I go into supported living or residential care. I think you need to take a serious look at yourself. You have far more to work on other than what you receive on Mother's Day.

Still useless though…

I always made sure both mums, and even our grandmothers were treated equally when I was with my now ex husband but that was my choice and from I see isn’t the norm.