Invitation to non consecutive bits of a wedding

[TobyChestnut]

Close friend’s son getting married in a city a few hours away and we have received an invitation to the ceremony at 11.45am but not to the meal/speeches part which is after the ceremony. We are then invited to the evening at 7pm. All three parts are at the same venue. No accommodation at the venue other than for their immediate family so we have booked 2 x Premier Inn rooms for us and our 17 and 19 year old children about 6 miles away.

Felt obliged to accept both parts of the invitation despite the void in the middle as assumed that they wanted us to see them get married but couldn’t afford for more than a small number for the meal.

Was wondering what to do to fill 5- 6 hour gap between the two parts as the premier inn room not available until later and also because we will have had to get dressed up for the Ceremony so will be in our finery, hair done etc which we’d also want for the evening.

I’ve now just been told that there are 50 people at the meal/speeches part (I had assumed it was a small gathering for a dozen or so) and a further 100 who like us are invited to the other two parts. Also that the Ceremony isn’t the actually wedding as the venue isn’t licensed so they are having a civil ceremony elsewhere the day before (with families in attendance).

AIBU to think that this is an unfair ask but to feel uncomfortable saying so to my close friend? Wish they had just invited anyone not in the select 50 to the evening then we could use the day to travel, get ready at the premier inn and go to the evening part. Really don’t want to cause bad feeling as we have been friends for 40 years.

In a church, yes. I got married in our local church and a few ppl did turn up to that – which was really sweet – a former colleague, the parents of my best friend from school (friend was invited to the do), friends of my mums (mum lived very locally). None of them were invited to the expensive bit but walked down the road to wish us well.

This is different surely – the whole thing is in one hotel/wedding venue, so tbf it's not public (in the way that a church is) and ppl are going to come along then be turfed out for the afternoon. It's really odd. As I said, if it was me (say it was my good friend's DS getting married – I don't really know him well at all) I would not be desperate to go but out of courtesy to my friend I would go to the ceremony to show my face in an easy and reasonably enjoyable way. But then I don't enjoy evening dos.

Went to many weddings like this in my 20s, usually colleagues.
Church, then pub and local town for the afternoon, turning up for evening do nicely drunk and ready for a dance.
In your shoes you might invent an emergency on the day which means you can only get to the evening do!

Don't go. The worst wedding I went to was about six years ago. Huge church wedding which was followed by a big meal for around a hundred at a posh venue. I was invited to the ceremony, but not the meal. I had an evening invitation for seven hours after the marriage. When I turned up at the posh venue there was around another hundred of us. Not a single chair was provided for the evening guests. The lunch guests were glued to their tables and chairs and we gathered hanging around in our misery. A buffet was put out as we arrived and the lunch guests leapt to their feet and piled up their plates and sat back at their tables. We couldn't because there was nowhere to sit and eat the crumbs they had left us. Some guests left almost immediately. One of the bridesmaids said she would be dancing all evening so I could have her seat, but I still felt awkward and left out as the other guests talked about the speeches etc. I lasted an hour. Honestly it's just not worth getting dolled up to be made a second class guest. The couple, who I didn't clap eyes on, are now in the midst of an acrimonious divorce.

This is similar to my wedding in the 90s. And a few of my friends' weddings too that I attended.

Everyone invited to the 12.30pm ceremony, as that's the most important bit.

60 friends and family invited to the afternoon in venue A.

Those 60 + a further 80 invited to the evening do in venue B.

We'd chosen to live in our uni town post wedding, but wed in my home town 3.5 hours drive away. So about half our guests drove that distance. H's family and friends lived at least a 2 hour drive away.

We had a couple of people comment before that the gap between events would be hard. Our response was "let us know as early as possible if you decide not to come so we can give the space to someone who won't find the gap hard."

It's really easy to navigate if you want to be there. One of our guests is in the wedding video doing her make up in the church car park, having told the recording she just got changed in the loos in Tesco up the road.

We paid for our wedding ourselves. We were 22 and wed in our final year of uni. We used our student loans to pay for the wedding of our dreams... Which was simple by today's standards tbf.

To this day, I'm so glad we decided early on to pay for it ourselves. Our money, completely our day. It meant we didn't have to tolerate MILs insistence we invite X, Y and Z friends of hers that had known H for years.

They were whinging baggages who no doubt would have been as offended as you @TobyChestnut for not being invited to the whole day. Either go to 1 part of the day, or both parts of the day and amuse yourself in the wonderfully interesting city of Leicester for a few hours, or don't go at all. The bride and groom are having their day and don't want (can't afford?) you at all of it.

And @YourAgileJadeHam I'm not Asian. Did you know that every resident of Leicester is not Asian? How racist are you?! Sheesh.

I've been to a wedding where this was the case. It was nowhere near a 5-6 hour gap in reality, as we hung around for the photos, mingling, and only had to leave when they sat down for the wedding breakfast around 3pm and returned at 6.30 ready for the evening do. In our case the bride and groom had actually booked a table at a nearby restaurant for us. Is it possible to ask if they could recommend somewhere for you to eat?
I am also local to Leicester, and happy to suggest some nice restaurants for you if you specify the location a bit more.

We did something similar for our wedding but only for my husband's colleagues/my music buddies who were very local.

It was worded as invited to evening and please feel free to come to church which is at x time...

Anyone travelling got a full day invite - it was just the only way to include 30 odd colleagues in a close knit small business without causing political ructions. Politically to not invite colleagues to the evening we'd have had to get married miles away, probably at our parents' church ..

Exactly this.
I wouldn't go or go to one part only.
Love the pp who went to the pub following the first part and had a great time.
Honestly people are so self-centred...

I’d just go to the evening part. They cannot be cross with you for that.
In your response perhaps convey the reasoning behind why you won’t be hanging around inbetween.

It's a gift grab. Decline. Say you're sorry and make up an excuse about visiting a family member. Shouldn't give them a problem since you're not invited to the meal or anything you need to head count.

I think it’s quite rude to invite to the ceremony and evening but not the reception with meal. Do evening only invites if you must but it’s got to be awful for the guests to have to leave after the ceremony then return many hours later.

If it's near Leicester you can go to the Richard 111 museum or a walk along the canal or a walk in the city centre. If you don't have transport perhaps ask if someone can give you a lift

Ugh no.

It's the sort of thing that's alright when everyone's living locally and people just get married in the local church/registry office then go to a venue round the corner. Then you can go home in the middle. It's shit planning and manners for a guest who you know has to travel though.

I would go to the evening only. Can't see why you're so keen to do both, in the circumstances.

I would not go, as I would consider such an inconsiderate invitation an insult.

If you do feel obliged to go, pick either the ceremony or the evening reception and just attend that.

I honestly wouldn't go.
I only attend weddings where we've been invited to the whole thing. Life is too short!

I would politely decline this invitation.

I have to say I'm not a fan of these types of weddings. It's like a tiered friendship system - weird!

Tbh, I don't like weddings where, even if you are invited for the whole thing, you have to hang around for a couple of hours while the bride/groom have photos taken.

I'd rather have fewer, closer friends than doing it this way. So I do agree with you, it's unreasonable especially given the long break and travel.

This ⬆️. Gift grab describes it. They don't want you to be at the reception, just the ceremony so it looks good, and evening do, cheaper per head, and in my experience are usually quite poor.

I hate this! It happened to me once, very religious colleague invited 6 of us to the wedding but only 3 to the lunch then everyone to the evening do 8 hours later in a tiny little village that didn’t even have a pub or a garage or anything open! We got up at 6am to get a train to the bloody middle of nowhere so had no cars or anything. Even then we had to walk 3 miles to the church.

Problem was - the invitations weren’t clear about this. And the people not invited to everything didn’t realise and we never compared invites with the ones who weren’t.

So we accidentally gatecrashed the meal! They looked very surprised to see us Inhave to say, but as we’d already spend 3 hours kicking stones around in the village square, hot, tired and thirsty while they did photos we were too hungry to realise anything was amiss til much later when 2 of us did compare invites.

they squeezed us in. None of us had every heard of a wedding where you left guest abandoned in the middle of the day…

Anyway, the whole thing was a bit rubbish but because we were in bumfuck nowhere we’d arrange transport at 10pm to take us to the nearest town to stay the night, left and had a fab time in the hotel bar til the early hours.

Yes I would do this. I'd just attend the party.

That's exactly what I was thinking of, not that they joined in with the shovelling of coal!

I wouldn’t bother going. They will already be married so it’s a sham ceremony.

Personally I would just go to the ceremony. The evening bit is always horrid for an evening only guest. You arrive when the day guests are relaxed, had a good few glasses of wine, there's usually nowhere to sit and it is always hard to get into the flow and conversation with day guests. You feel really awkward. And I'm a pretty social person.

That's why we didn't have any evening guests at ours. If you're good enough to attend friendship wise then you come for the whole thing.

If money is tight you have a smaller guest list.

Thanks for the mental image of people in floral dresses, hats and heels going for a walk along a canal to kill time 😁

Actually this is not your friends' wedding but their son's wedding. How kind of him and his bride to invite some of their parents friends. 50 people for the main meal is still a small wedding. The bride and groom have friends and family of their own I am sure they want to share the day.

It's nice they have decided to have a larger evening event which means their parents can invite some of their friends too.

If you don't want to attend the celebration of the wedding but just the evening do then do that.

I simply don't see it as a slight on you and your friendship that you haven't made their son and his bride's top 50. Do you really expect to?

It sounds to me that the groom and bride have potentially compromised here and that possibly your friends have asked that they can include their friends.

Personally I would go to both if it was a friend's son I had seen grow up and be honoured that I had made the extended guestlist when the coupke themselves only had 50 people for the wedding. There is plenty of time to undress into regular clothes and dress back up after.