Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Invitation to non consecutive bits of a wedding

413 replies

TobyChestnut · 06/03/2025 23:25

Close friend’s son getting married in a city a few hours away and we have received an invitation to the ceremony at 11.45am but not to the meal/speeches part which is after the ceremony. We are then invited to the evening at 7pm. All three parts are at the same venue. No accommodation at the venue other than for their immediate family so we have booked 2 x Premier Inn rooms for us and our 17 and 19 year old children about 6 miles away.

Felt obliged to accept both parts of the invitation despite the void in the middle as assumed that they wanted us to see them get married but couldn’t afford for more than a small number for the meal.

Was wondering what to do to fill 5- 6 hour gap between the two parts as the premier inn room not available until later and also because we will have had to get dressed up for the Ceremony so will be in our finery, hair done etc which we’d also want for the evening.

I’ve now just been told that there are 50 people at the meal/speeches part (I had assumed it was a small gathering for a dozen or so) and a further 100 who like us are invited to the other two parts. Also that the Ceremony isn’t the actually wedding as the venue isn’t licensed so they are having a civil ceremony elsewhere the day before (with families in attendance).

AIBU to think that this is an unfair ask but to feel uncomfortable saying so to my close friend? Wish they had just invited anyone not in the select 50 to the evening then we could use the day to travel, get ready at the premier inn and go to the evening part. Really don’t want to cause bad feeling as we have been friends for 40 years.

OP posts:
clary · 07/03/2025 00:45

Hmm a wedding meal for 12 people would be very small @TobyChestnut – for my wedding that would literally have been parents of B&G and their siblings - not even sibs' partners. So I think 50 is actually pretty small. My parents' friends? not really on a list for a small do.

If I were you I would go to one element. I hate evening dos with a passion (everyone's drunk, nowhere for you to sit, all the stuff looks very picked over and the B&G barely say hello) so for me it would be the ceremony then away home or even out for a nice meal then home. Saves on a hotel and you get to be in the pictures.

If you prefer a night of drink and dance and know that there will be others there you know well and can have a bevvy with then just go to the evening do.

NotVeryFunny · 07/03/2025 02:38

TartanMammy · 06/03/2025 23:42

I had a similar invite once and declined because I thought it was really bloody rude. If you're expecting someone to travel to a wedding,.pay for hotel, outfits, gifts etc the very least you can do is feed them! Not tell them to bugger off for 5 hours and entertain themselves while the other guests get a lovely weddint meal.

I agree. They are obviously trying to save money by having fewer people to the food bit, but the least you can do if people go to the effort and expense of attending your wedding, usually providing a nice gift, is to feed them! If you can't afford to, you should probably just have a smaller wedding.

PoppyPuppy257777777 · 07/03/2025 02:45

We had the same sort for a wedding several hours away. We politely declined.

MayaPinion · 07/03/2025 02:56

I would decline the invitation. I’d happily go if it was local but it’s an awful lot of cost and effort for a ceremony and a disco.

CuriousGeorge80 · 07/03/2025 03:12

I can't get my head around people being so bloody unreasonable when planning their weddings. Honestly, I would now follow up on your reply and say that having looked into the practicalities of it, it isn't going to be possible to make both parts of the wedding, so you will attend x part but will not be able to attend y part. Pick which bit you want to go to. Absolute joke.

farmlife2 · 07/03/2025 03:19

Just go to one part. I'd probably pick the ceremony since it's the main thing really. Do you really need to go though? Are you a friend of the mother of the groom, or does the groom actually care about you personally as well? If the groom doesn't really care and you're just there because his mother invited you, I don't think you need to go at all.

lily219 · 07/03/2025 03:32

I'd just go to the part I was most interested in - maybe the evening bit seeing as the ceremony isn't even the official wedding, but maybe the ceremony because I hate late nights.

Doingmybest12 · 07/03/2025 03:42

It's a recent thing, it seems so rude to me but it's not meant that way. People are just making decisions based on finances usually and also a lot of wedding etiquette has gone out of the window.i think its much more honest to invite to the evening do and add a note to say ,if you'd like to come to see ceremony then please do feel you can rather than formal invitation and no meal.

MaJoady · 07/03/2025 03:48

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

Because no one else gets married 20 minutes from Leicester?

There's loads of lovely countryside and wedding venues of all types in Leicestershire for weddings of all sizes. Besides, the structure of the day doesn't sound like an Asian wedding to me tbh

Ritasueandbobtoo9 · 07/03/2025 04:01

You can pay £10 for early check in at Premier Inn. Do that and you have a place to lounge and redo your makeup.

PearTreeBoat · 07/03/2025 04:04

I'd just go to the evening bit, I'm sure nobody will even notice you're not at the ceremony and they've probably just invited you to that bit as they felt it was the right thing to do but don't actually expect you to attend that bit.

If they do ask just say you got stuck in traffic/lost etc

HallidayJones6779 · 07/03/2025 04:15

Turneresque · 06/03/2025 23:28

I think I’d just say we can only make the evening party.

This. No big deal.

Nevertrustacop · 07/03/2025 04:47

PearTreeBoat · 07/03/2025 04:04

I'd just go to the evening bit, I'm sure nobody will even notice you're not at the ceremony and they've probably just invited you to that bit as they felt it was the right thing to do but don't actually expect you to attend that bit.

If they do ask just say you got stuck in traffic/lost etc

This. Exactly. You've been invited to the evening only with the option to go to the ceremony if you want. This is exactly the same as a church wedding where obviously anyone could go to the ceremony if they wanted, but you have to be invited to the paid for parts. Just go to either, or both.

Mudkipper · 07/03/2025 05:00

Doingmybest12 · 07/03/2025 03:42

It's a recent thing, it seems so rude to me but it's not meant that way. People are just making decisions based on finances usually and also a lot of wedding etiquette has gone out of the window.i think its much more honest to invite to the evening do and add a note to say ,if you'd like to come to see ceremony then please do feel you can rather than formal invitation and no meal.

Not recent. I was invited to a wedding like this 40 years ago. It was a friend from university getting married. I went with another friend and we spent the hiatus having a leisurely lunch and the evening chatting to one another as we knew nobody else there.

My own sibling’s wedding to my mind was even weirder: family invited to the wedding breakfast but not to the evening event. I assume there WAS an evening event, but clearly it was friends only. Friends weren’t invited to the wedding breakfast.

Stirabout · 07/03/2025 05:01

We were invited to the same once.
We didn’t go to the wedding and just turned up for the evening do.
We had three kids with us so hanging around for hours wasn’t going to happen.

Id just go for the evening if I were you

IlooklikeNigella · 07/03/2025 05:19

Just go to the evening part. They won't care.

Bellavida99 · 07/03/2025 05:26

If you’re staying 6 miles from the venue is one of you driving back to hotel so can’t have a drink? It sounds awful I’d decline if you can’t even let your hair down in the evening. Hanging around all day to be sober probably with nowhere to sit no thanks

Twiglets1 · 07/03/2025 05:28

They’re being selfish and not thinking about it from the point of view of their guests.

I guess you could book one hotel room for an additional night so at least one was available as soon as you wanted it but that’s extra expensive. Honestly, I would be pissed off at the lack of thought & make an excuse not to attend at all.

Neurodiversitydoctor · 07/03/2025 05:35

TobyChestnut · 06/03/2025 23:51

In our wedding finery and hair done (which we need to keep looking good for the evening)? Happily spend an afternoon doing that in my jeans if I wasn’t going back to a Wedding afterwards.

Show quote history

I would go back to the premier inn ( ask for early check in) and get changed no way would I stay in my glad rags all afternoon.

FondantFancyFan · 07/03/2025 05:37

I would decline the invitation as it's obvious they don't want you there hence the inconvenient invitation. They feel obligated to invite you and hoped you declined so as to fulfil a social obligation.

If invitations cause me unnecessary inconvenience and cost. I don't attend. I simply don't have the head space to navigate people's selfish choices.

ThejoyofNC · 07/03/2025 05:39

I wouldn't go to any of it. What cheeky fuckers they are. Wanting the big wedding but to cheap to feed people. I know know where people even find the audacity to send out invitations like this.

FondantFancyFan · 07/03/2025 05:41

I bet they want an expensive gift though but just don't want to feed you.......

Onelifeonly · 07/03/2025 05:42

How inconsiderate. If they can't afford to feed you, the obvious thing would be to only invite you to the evening do. Plus Leicester's not the most exciting place to linger for hours....

Personally I think it would be ok to say you're only going to the evening event after all ( or the ceremony if you'd rather).

Not the same but I once went to an event with an evening do which was held in the same venue as the main reception. After the reception, nearly everyone else, who presumably live locally, disappeared for several hours. My friends and I were stuck in a village with nothing to do during this time- we hung around the church hall where the event was taking place. By the time everyone else came back I was thoroughly bored of the whole thing and found it really tedious. I also had a two hour drive home on my own afterwards - I didn't use hotels back then so it hadn't occurred to me to stay over.

Never saw the bride, my 'friend', again. She never asked to meet so we drifted apart, though to be fair, that had started long before her wedding.

Joystir59 · 07/03/2025 05:48

Pay for an early check in at the premier then you can change your clothes after the ceremony and go and do something relaxed for the afternoon.

Gremlins101 · 07/03/2025 05:57

Just go to the evening bit. That's a stupid wedding plan.

If you must go to both parts just find a nice restaurant or something nice to do in between times.

I couldn't have expected people to travel to my wedding and not fed them. That's awful!

Swipe left for the next trending thread