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AIBU?

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Original poster

Invitation to non consecutive bits of a wedding

413 replies

TobyChestnut · 06/03/2025 23:25

Close friend’s son getting married in a city a few hours away and we have received an invitation to the ceremony at 11.45am but not to the meal/speeches part which is after the ceremony. We are then invited to the evening at 7pm. All three parts are at the same venue. No accommodation at the venue other than for their immediate family so we have booked 2 x Premier Inn rooms for us and our 17 and 19 year old children about 6 miles away.

Felt obliged to accept both parts of the invitation despite the void in the middle as assumed that they wanted us to see them get married but couldn’t afford for more than a small number for the meal.

Was wondering what to do to fill 5- 6 hour gap between the two parts as the premier inn room not available until later and also because we will have had to get dressed up for the Ceremony so will be in our finery, hair done etc which we’d also want for the evening.

I’ve now just been told that there are 50 people at the meal/speeches part (I had assumed it was a small gathering for a dozen or so) and a further 100 who like us are invited to the other two parts. Also that the Ceremony isn’t the actually wedding as the venue isn’t licensed so they are having a civil ceremony elsewhere the day before (with families in attendance).

AIBU to think that this is an unfair ask but to feel uncomfortable saying so to my close friend? Wish they had just invited anyone not in the select 50 to the evening then we could use the day to travel, get ready at the premier inn and go to the evening part. Really don’t want to cause bad feeling as we have been friends for 40 years.

OP posts:
Gloriia · 09/03/2025 13:27

Inthebathagain · 09/03/2025 13:08

I've been to at least 50 weddings.

Easily 75% of those had a legal ceremony a day or two before their wedding day.

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50 weddings! Wow.

Well ive been to a fair few and 100% have had everything on the same day. Maybe it's cultural differences?

ManchesterLu · 09/03/2025 13:34

This happened to me before, I didn't go to the service, and just went for the evening. Generally the service isn't very long, so it just seemed really stupid to go and then hang around. The whole thing was in a hotel in the countryside so we'd have had to go for half an hour, then go somewhere else (a drive away) and then come back much, much later. We weren't going to do that.

Inthebathagain · 09/03/2025 13:36

Gloriia · 09/03/2025 13:27

50 weddings! Wow.

Well ive been to a fair few and 100% have had everything on the same day. Maybe it's cultural differences?

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I had a clear out yesterday and binned 6 different wedding services 🤣

So yes, at least 50.

I know it's pretty normal in my UK circle of friends. I can't speak for your circle, as I don't know it.

CameltoeParkerBowles · 09/03/2025 15:15

RickiRaccoon · 06/03/2025 23:42

To me that's a mix of poor planning, stinginess and not considering your guests at all. I'd just skip the ceremony since it's not even a real ceremony and it doesn't cost them anything to have a few seats empty for that. They clearly aren't that worried about inclusion and attendance if they're inviting different people to different parts.

Agreed. They haven't considered their guests at all here. I wouldn't bother going at all, or just go to one of the sections.

Alaimo · 09/03/2025 15:58

C8H10N4O2 · 09/03/2025 09:42

But its quite common for the religious (or humanist) ceremony to be seperate from the legal part - its only CofE/CofS weddings which are legal without a civil registrar to witness or perform the legal part.

I've been to many weddings where the civil part had been done a day or two before and to the bride and groom and all the family the wedding was the religious/social public commitment ceremony - legal or not.

It amazes me the ways in which MNers find offence in a simple wedding invitation. The wedding itself is the most important ceremony to share with family and friends. That is the public statement of commitment and where you ask for the support of your family and friends.

If the couple can't afford the tens of thousands charged these days to cater full meals for large numbers then what is wrong saying "cannot afford a bigger reception but you are very welcome to join the ceremony as well as the evening party".

If its not practical then just accept the evening or the wedding itself. For me, the wedding is the most important part, not the free dinner.

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Humanist weddings are legal in Scotland (and I believe in Northern Ireland too) if they're performed by a registered celebrant. No need for a civil registrar.

BettyBardMacDonald · 09/03/2025 16:33

ANiceBigCupOfTea · 09/03/2025 11:00

I'd do either ceremony or evening.
But I think the way they're doing it is bonkers. The whole idea of the wedding breakfast is to thank and feed your witnesses who are celebrating your step into married life so being told to clear off then come back later is a bit shit and I wouldnt like it.

This.

As to "ooh it's so common, the legal bits don't mean anything, it's the vows in front of friends that matter..." then why do the legal bits at all?

Something tells me that if one partner won the lottery in the week between the non-meaningful legal bits and the reenactment, or dropped dead, or whatnot, the other partner would be swiftly exercising their rights under that "meaningless piece of paper."

Plutotheplanet · 09/03/2025 17:06

I had an invite like this, only I was single at the time. It was my friends wedding. I thought when I received the invite, no problem, I would just go for a meal with whoever from our friendship group also wasn't invited to the whole day. Turns out I was the only one. She really expected me to turn up for the ceremony, then when the rest of my friends went on to the meal, entertain myself for hours, while dressed for a wedding, in a city I don't live, then come back for the evening. What's worse I had never had an inkling that she felt less close to me than our other friends. In fact she would often moan and complain about some of the others to me. When I let her know I was hurt by it. She said 'my wedding, my choice'. I responded with 'Just as it is my choice not to come'.

Op - I guess at least you have your family with you. I can't understand how people don't realise how things like this impact their guests though.

CandidHedgehog · 09/03/2025 17:18

Op - I guess at least you have your family with you. I can't understand how people don't realise how things like this impact their guests though.

There are a number of posts on this thread from people who have done this. They provide an interesting insight into what people who think this is appropriate are thinking.

Zonder · 09/03/2025 20:44

BettyBardMacDonald · 09/03/2025 16:33

This.

As to "ooh it's so common, the legal bits don't mean anything, it's the vows in front of friends that matter..." then why do the legal bits at all?

Something tells me that if one partner won the lottery in the week between the non-meaningful legal bits and the reenactment, or dropped dead, or whatnot, the other partner would be swiftly exercising their rights under that "meaningless piece of paper."

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Has anyone said the legal bits don't mean anything? I certainly haven't and I've been to lots of weddings where the legal bit was done on another day. But they're not the bits that need to be done in front of everyone.

C8H10N4O2 · 10/03/2025 10:04

Alaimo · 09/03/2025 15:58

Humanist weddings are legal in Scotland (and I believe in Northern Ireland too) if they're performed by a registered celebrant. No need for a civil registrar.

Edited
Show quote history

The key bit is "registered" in England, is that the same in Scotland? So some non Angican ministers/priests and some rabbis or other recognised religious ministers have the additional registration as a civil registrar and can do "the double".
However its only Anglican priests who by default are automatically civil registrars and whose religious buildings are automatically legal venues (which I assume is why it took a change in the law for people to marry in stately homes).

I believe its part and parcel of CoE being established (or at least that is how it was explained to us when we married and had to get the blue slips and an approved registrar to witness that the key statements were made within the ceremony).

SlipperyLizard · 10/03/2025 10:11

We had a registry office wedding (which dictated timings, so there was a big gap)) and then an evening party, we made it clear that while everyone was welcome to come to the ceremony we in no way expected it. Lots of people did come to the ceremony, which was lovely.

i think this couple should have done similar, and invited you to the evening but with an optional “please feel free to come to the ceremony too” so you didn’t feel obliged.

TartanMammy · 10/03/2025 12:37

C8H10N4O2 · 10/03/2025 10:04

The key bit is "registered" in England, is that the same in Scotland? So some non Angican ministers/priests and some rabbis or other recognised religious ministers have the additional registration as a civil registrar and can do "the double".
However its only Anglican priests who by default are automatically civil registrars and whose religious buildings are automatically legal venues (which I assume is why it took a change in the law for people to marry in stately homes).

I believe its part and parcel of CoE being established (or at least that is how it was explained to us when we married and had to get the blue slips and an approved registrar to witness that the key statements were made within the ceremony).

Edited
Show quote history

You can get married pretty much anywhere you like in Scotland, there is no such thing as legal venues. As long as you give notice to the District Registrar. The person who marries you needs to be an 'approved celebrant' but they don't need to be a registrar.

Karatema · 10/03/2025 15:00

I once discovered my "best friend", of 30 years, true feelings towards me when she asked me to dog sit while her family were at her DS's wedding. This wouldn't have been a snub but my DS lived less than an hour from the venue and she'd invited her "best friends" from school (who she saw once a year at most) to the wedding! Now I know where I stand.

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