Invitation to non consecutive bits of a wedding

[TobyChestnut]

Close friend’s son getting married in a city a few hours away and we have received an invitation to the ceremony at 11.45am but not to the meal/speeches part which is after the ceremony. We are then invited to the evening at 7pm. All three parts are at the same venue. No accommodation at the venue other than for their immediate family so we have booked 2 x Premier Inn rooms for us and our 17 and 19 year old children about 6 miles away.

Felt obliged to accept both parts of the invitation despite the void in the middle as assumed that they wanted us to see them get married but couldn’t afford for more than a small number for the meal.

Was wondering what to do to fill 5- 6 hour gap between the two parts as the premier inn room not available until later and also because we will have had to get dressed up for the Ceremony so will be in our finery, hair done etc which we’d also want for the evening.

I’ve now just been told that there are 50 people at the meal/speeches part (I had assumed it was a small gathering for a dozen or so) and a further 100 who like us are invited to the other two parts. Also that the Ceremony isn’t the actually wedding as the venue isn’t licensed so they are having a civil ceremony elsewhere the day before (with families in attendance).

AIBU to think that this is an unfair ask but to feel uncomfortable saying so to my close friend? Wish they had just invited anyone not in the select 50 to the evening then we could use the day to travel, get ready at the premier inn and go to the evening part. Really don’t want to cause bad feeling as we have been friends for 40 years.

You are absolutely right. I wouldn’t have posted if we’d just been invited to the evening. It’s the gap that is the issue and that they genuinely think guests should willingly do this!

This isn’t their “actual” wedding though. The venue isn’t licensed so they are getting married the day before with immediate family in attendance then on the big day they have a “ceremony” in the venue where the bride will wear her big wedding dress and my friends son will wear his top hat and tails. Then the wedding breakfast (at the same venue) and then the evening part (also at the same venue).

Sounds like a pita, just pick the bit that you'd prefer to be at and go to that bit only.

I wouldn't spend time and money to view a sham reenactment and be lumped into the evening do with the rest of the second-class ilk.

Just decline and send a note of good wishes.

Just go the the evening reception 🤷🏻‍♀️

I would just got for the Evening do. Not much point going to the ceremony if it isn't a real one.
One went to an evening post-wedding dance, and the reception was seriously over-running. We arrived at the correct time, and they were still eating! So we got to hear the speeches AND got some pudding.

Personally, I would be quite happy with the downtime between the ceremony and the evening do and would happily change out of wedding gear to go exploring. My opinion may be in part due to our own wedding, well over 20 years ago...

DH and I were in our early twenties and got married in a central London church. The service had to be in the morning due to a huge event nearby early afternoon so everyone was invited to that (followed by cake, bubbly and photos at the church immediately afterwards) and to the evening party. The party was in a school hall a bus ride away with a friend as DJ, speeches and a simple buffet. It was very casual so some people came in their wedding finery whilst others wore their jeans.

Maybe it because we were all young, or perhaps because our wedding was in London, but no one minded the gap. My parents' friends used it to go sightseeing, various relatives went off for a meal, uni friends met up and hung out together, football fans went to a match happening nearby and local people went home until the party. DH and I, our parents, siblings and grandparents went for lunch at a small, local restaurant. There were 20 of us and we filled the restaurant but it was just lunch, £8ish for a main meal and very definitely not a 'wedding breakfast'! We went our separate ways after the meal until the party.

I'd say the gap doesn't have to be a problem but I can see that if there's a middle bit you're excluded from, the travel and expense may not feel worthwhile.

It is their actual wedding. That's when they will make their vows in front of family and friends.

It's not their marriage, the legal bit, but that's a formality. In lots of countries the couple and a few witnesses go to the town hall or wherever to do the legal bit a day or two before, and then have all their guests at the wedding on another day.

If she’s such a good friend, she won’t mind if you say you can only come for the evening. That’s what I would do anyway.

Hi ! This happened to me a few years ago,

My close friend moved down south to be back with her family and this is a 10 hour journey from where I live up north.

I received her wedding invite and it was for the church and then the evening part. The gap between this was 6 hours. I was really confused by this because we had had lengthy discussions over me doing a speech there and she wasn’t having bridesmaids but me and her other friend were talking at the breakfast.

Friend then messaged me to say I was actually invited to the dinner and speeches etc but not DH and DS as she couldn’t justify the numbers. For clarification - Friend knows DH really well and was one of the first people to visit DS.

There was nowhere else you could visit for those 6 hours and the room wasn’t available until 3pm and the ceremony was at 10am.
I told her there was no way we could justify this and what would DH and DS who was 18 months old at the time do on a cliff edge wedding location for 6 hours in suits with no room for 4 of those hours.

The wedding was in a really obscure area on a cliff edge (beautiful and scenic) but with no means of transport so it would be a taxi from the train station which was over an hours drive and total cost for me, DH and DS to go was over £500 for 2 nights with train fare and hotel. Obviously before outfits and gifts, and she wanted me there at 8am to get ready with her so there was no option to travel on the day for just the night part.

We didn’t go and mine and friends relationship has been really damaged since.

But its quite common for the religious (or humanist) ceremony to be seperate from the legal part - its only CofE/CofS weddings which are legal without a civil registrar to witness or perform the legal part.

I've been to many weddings where the civil part had been done a day or two before and to the bride and groom and all the family the wedding was the religious/social public commitment ceremony - legal or not.

It amazes me the ways in which MNers find offence in a simple wedding invitation. The wedding itself is the most important ceremony to share with family and friends. That is the public statement of commitment and where you ask for the support of your family and friends.

If the couple can't afford the tens of thousands charged these days to cater full meals for large numbers then what is wrong saying "cannot afford a bigger reception but you are very welcome to join the ceremony as well as the evening party".

If its not practical then just accept the evening or the wedding itself. For me, the wedding is the most important part, not the free dinner.

Totally agree @C8H10N4O2

If it's not the legal wedding, just a reenactment, we wouldn't be interested in attending.

I wonder if all guests are being informed of that.

Religious and other public commitment ceremonies are not "reenactments" - they are the wedding where they are on separate days. Not least because they usually include the lifelong commitment and other additional promises beyond the "legal bit".

The legal bit is the marriage. The vows etc in front of family and friends is the wedding. In so many cultures / countries the former happens with a handful of witnesses on a whole other day and the latter is the big celebration that everyone goes to. It's churlish to refuse to go because it's not the legal bit.

I have had this twice. Both had a huge gap between the end of the church ceremony and the start of the evening do. I attended the ceremonies and then went home. A fair few people did the same.

Given the nature of the ceremony the OP has been invited to, I would just go to the evening do.

DH has this at a wedding he’s been invited to in the summer! Partners are not invited either (I was a bit disgruntled as we’ve been together 14 years, married for 3.5yrs, but admittedly I’ve never met either the groom or bride), but we also assumed it was all a costs thing as none of his friendship group have had partners/spouses invited. Fine. When he got the invite there was a lot of texting and calls between his friends as they were all confused about what bits they were invited to as I think they’d all assumed it would be the whole thing or just the evening. They’d never heard of a split invite like this, some thought it was an error, but luckily I had heard of things like this and reassured him was what it looked like. It’s not nearby so they’re all travelling and can’t check into hotels till much later, so they have been trying to figure out what to do between the ceremony and the evening reception. They’ve decided to book a table somewhere and go for food (they’ll need to eat as waiting till evening buffet will mean they’re all starving) and then have drinks until they can go and check in and freshen up. They’ll all be dressed up in their fancy suits but there’ll be a group of them so they won’t feel too out of place. Could you do something like that OP? Alternatively, just rsvp to one part of it. B&G would surely just appreciate you coming to whichever bit you can make, and as long as they know for numbers that’s the main thing.

Ime it isn't common for the legal part and the ceremony to be separate at all.

It isn't a simple invitation. It is a waffy invitation, come for the service/not really a service, leave then come back and fill the cheap seats.

It amazes me that some mumsnetters like yourself would go along with crap like this.

I'd do either ceremony or evening.
But I think the way they're doing it is bonkers. The whole idea of the wedding breakfast is to thank and feed your witnesses who are celebrating your step into married life so being told to clear off then come back later is a bit shit and I wouldnt like it.

I really envisage the conversation could have been along the lines of:

Bride & Groom - we don’t want/can’t afford a big wedding.

Groom’s parents - what about TobyChestnut & family?

Groom - sorry mum, but they can come to the evening do of course

Groom’s parents - but you’ve known them your whole life! You played with their children!

Groom - yes, but they’re your friends mum. I don’t have any relationship with them as an adult. But happy for them all to come to the evening do.

Groom’s parents - but they’re so fond of you, they’ll want to see you get married!

Groom - they can come to the ceremony if they really want to. But we don’t have the budget/space to feed all four of them. If we do that we’d have to invite X,Y and Z too. We have to draw a line somewhere.

It might have been nothing like that of course, but we don’t really know.

i’s fo to the wedding, check into accomodation, find somewhere to have some food, freshen up, go to evening reception.

Some years ago one of my nieces got married, 5 hours away. Me and husband invited to the wedding, reception and evening do, youngest son ( so cousin, university age) who would travel with us as only invited to the evening do. I know all about it’s their wedding, their choice, financial constraints etc but this did seem weird at the time!
My son politely declined and we went just the 2 of us. We wouldn’t have travelled either if it was just the evening do I’m afraid.

Op, it has been mentioned earlier in thread.

premier Inn does early checkin for a cost of £15 or so. I think from as early as 11am, details on their website.

Best to organise in advance with hotel. Not sure it will be an option if you just arrive early.

One of my friend's friends was excited about their only son and child getting married. She gave me details of their wedding list, I duly bought them some china they had suggested.
When it comes to it, I was only invited to the church ceremony, no food.
I declined. I noticed they had 3 rows empty each side at the church, in the photos.
I didn't begrudge the newly married couple the presents but it all had a bad effect on my friendship. We now don't see each other.
Sad and misjudged by my once friend.

I've been to at least 50 weddings.

Easily 75% of those had a legal ceremony a day or two before their wedding day.

Definitely a good idea if possible but Premier Inn can be weird on this point. Some apparently let you book it. Others only let you ask on the day and then let you only if a room is ready so you have to show up and hope for the best (the two times I’ve tried have been on this model - neither had a room available), others don’t allow it at all.