Invitation to non consecutive bits of a wedding

[TobyChestnut]

Close friend’s son getting married in a city a few hours away and we have received an invitation to the ceremony at 11.45am but not to the meal/speeches part which is after the ceremony. We are then invited to the evening at 7pm. All three parts are at the same venue. No accommodation at the venue other than for their immediate family so we have booked 2 x Premier Inn rooms for us and our 17 and 19 year old children about 6 miles away.

Felt obliged to accept both parts of the invitation despite the void in the middle as assumed that they wanted us to see them get married but couldn’t afford for more than a small number for the meal.

Was wondering what to do to fill 5- 6 hour gap between the two parts as the premier inn room not available until later and also because we will have had to get dressed up for the Ceremony so will be in our finery, hair done etc which we’d also want for the evening.

I’ve now just been told that there are 50 people at the meal/speeches part (I had assumed it was a small gathering for a dozen or so) and a further 100 who like us are invited to the other two parts. Also that the Ceremony isn’t the actually wedding as the venue isn’t licensed so they are having a civil ceremony elsewhere the day before (with families in attendance).

AIBU to think that this is an unfair ask but to feel uncomfortable saying so to my close friend? Wish they had just invited anyone not in the select 50 to the evening then we could use the day to travel, get ready at the premier inn and go to the evening part. Really don’t want to cause bad feeling as we have been friends for 40 years.

I'm not the poster who suggested this, but this is exactly the type of activity where people do dress up in wedding finery with their hair done to dine/take afternoon tea in the first-class carriage. We've done it before (different steam train company) and were WOEFULLY underdressed in jeans!

Legal wedding have to be open, it doesn’t mean have to invite people to them. Also this isn’t a legal wedding.

Oh dear! Sorry op but don’t go into Leicester in your finery it’s a complete shithole.
I would be skipping the ceremony and just go to the evening do.

If your friend is deeply upset because you say you can't make the ceremony but would love to come to the evening then they haven't got enough else to think about....
Although tbh, given you are friends of the parents rather than the people getting married? I would do it the other way around. go to the ceremony, wish them well and go home. Save all the money on the room, socialising with a lot of people 20 odd years younger who you don't know (presumably the bride and grooms friends/work colleagues etc will make up most the group?) And have the rest of the day to yourself. I wouldn't waste a weekend on something you are only invited to to be polite.

I've had the same once. In between, I swapped to jeans and went for lunch and for a walk around the nearest town, swapped back into wedding attire and went to the evening bit. I was on my own and it was fine. you'll have your family with you - I'm sure you can entertain yourselves for 5 hours! Have a look on TripAdvisor for things to do or download a local walking tour (eg. Treasure Trails)

Wouldn’t go, personally but otherwise would book in at 3pm or whatever then have a few hours doing an activity then back to the hotel for changing.

I would either arrange to meet up with others in the same boat (your close friend would be happy to tell you who, surely) and go out for a meal before pitching up to the evening do, or skip the ceremony.

Do you have any kind of relationship with the son? I’d assume they’re being made to invite you by his parents tbh. DH’s parents had a long list of close friends that they wanted at our wedding. We got round it by having a small wedding abroad (there were other reasons for this too). Even then they pestered us about inviting some, offering to pay for them etc. DH had a perfectly cordial relationship with them, had known them all his life etc. but not close enough to feel we had to accommodate them at our wedding. We invited them to the party we had when we got back.

@ CuriousGeorge80
“I can't get my head around people being so bloody unreasonable when planning their weddings.”

My DD had this on one occasion - and her DBF was the best man! I thought that was outrageously rude.

We went to a wedding and found that was the situation when we got there. We used the time to wander the city and then went to a bar and had lunch. The time passed quickly but if you are unable the arse end of nowhere appreciate things might be different. At least you know on advance and can have a change of clothing and shoes with you.

As they will already technically be married at the ceremony, I would just say that you will only be able to attend the evening do. Or even just text on the morning and say you have a flat tyre (or suitable excuse) and you will most likely miss the service, but are really looking forward to seeing them all in the evening. I am assuming it is of no cost to them if you don’t turn up for the service. It is really bad to treat guests like this.

It's an invitation. It is what it is. Don't waste time getting annoyed. I would just attend the evening do.

A 'friend' of mine was getting married. To help her out I said I would pay for her wedding dress. It all became very stressful and she was micro managing everyone. We had to sing a song and video it for the reception etc etc. My kids were young and not invited. My husband didn't want to go because of all the fuss. A month before the wedding (peak dress trauma) my accommodation cancelled on me! In the end I just didn't go. It was a 4hr drive away and I'd had enough. Best decision ever.

I don't think you should feel obligated to anything. You are not friends with the bride or groom. They have included you because his mum asked them to. If it mattered to them that you were there you would have had a full invitation. It sounds to me like his mum put pressure on them to ask you and this is their concession.
When I got married it pissed me off we had to invite my MIL's friends - women who I had never met. I did, and they came, but it certainly wasn't for me and I wouldn't have noticed or minded if they weren't there. Honestly just do what makes the day easiest for you. Personally I'm your shoes I'd go to the evening do and skip the fake ceremony.

Bloody hell I'd stay away. Change that hotel room and save some money. It's bloody rude to do this.

This! Have had similar.

OP, with very good grace I’d just give the whole thing a miss. You don’t have to be angry or snarky when you decline. You can do it in a way that no offense is taken at all.

How do you pull this off on the invitation? My wedding invitations said x church, followed by reception at x venue. If the wedding, meal, and reception are at the same venue, how do you even word this? Wedding at x venue at 11, then reception at 7? Not everyone would pick up on that.

I agree, we've had that type of arrangement in church weddings, years ago with quite traditional people, so from that point of view it's not a new fangled thing. Anyone can go to the church, and numbers not as limited, so I've been to sit at the back when my sister was bridesmaid at her childhood best friends wedding in our local area, when I wasn't going to any other part of the wedding, and my mum did the same when I was bridesmaid and was coming to the evening do. However those weren't formal invitations, more just an 'of course they'd be welcome if they want to' kind of thing, with no travel involved. I've also turned down an invitation to go to the other side of the country for a uni friends church wedding then evening do, because of distance and we weren't that close. Again a very religious person so they saw it as inviting is to the most important bit. I might have gone if I really wanted to see them or was up for a mini break in that area anyway.

However, the odd thing here is it isn't a legal ceremony, so presumably not church? Unless it is a different religion? I've never heard of that for a civil ceremony before.

In terms of clothes. You don't need to dress up as much to just sit in the ceremony as for a formal reception - can't you just tone it down a bit so you don't feel ott for whatever you do in the afternoon. You probably won't even be in formal photos. Summer dress, not too elaborate a hair do. If you are not the immediate bridal party, lots of people wear things to weddings that could be worn to less formal occasions. Similarly for evening dos, they are usually pretty 'anything goes'.

If you’re friends with parents of the bride or groom, rather than the couple getting married, would your friends really mind if you only attended the ceremony? To my mind the reception is for the B&G to enjoy themselves with their friends and family. I sometimes wonder if parents invite their friends so they have someone other than extended family to talk to.

Would they take it badly enough to ruin your friendship? If so then I suppose you’ll just have to ask Premier in if they have a room you can use for ten minutes to change your clothes or book an extra day. But I wouldn’t be too pleased with friends putting me to that unnecessary inconvenience just to have me at their child’s reception.

Mothers of the bride are becoming ‘zillas in their own right, more and more

We had this once too. It would have been far less offensive if we had just been invited to the evening do. As it was the bride clearly had no respect for our time or our feelings. We declined.

In my opinion, if people can't afford to invite all the guests to a three course reception in a smart venue, it would be far more honest, courteous and realistic to invite them to a self catered buffet in the church hall.

It's a classic case of "fur coat and no knickers".

I wouldn't go at all or only the evening bit so I could check in during the afternoon and get ready in the hotel room.

I don’t see why people are so outraged. It’s basically an evening invite (which is what I’d expect being friends of one of the couple’s parents) that is offering the option of attending the ceremony, too. If there’s nothing you can easily do nearby in the middle, just accept for the evening only. I’ve several times had this kind of invitation and gone to an art gallery or for a meal either others on the ‘non-consecutive’ invitation.

Is just go for the ceremony then leave. Evening parties are usually rubbish anyway.

I’d go get changed and go out for a late lunch early dinner. Back to the hotel to freshen up and get changed back into evening outfit.

I would go smart but casual to ceremony, nit jeans but something i am comfortable going to pub lunch afterwards. Then out for a late lunch/early dinner then back to get ready then go to evening.

I think it is rude to invite you like this and evening invite would be better but if you want to attend both that is how I would make it work.

I don't think k the invitation is unreasonable. One third are going to the meal - that will be family and close friends of the couple getting married and the fact that they're having the legal bit of the wedding another time is neither here nor there. They will still count the ceremony, which you're invited to, as their wedding.

I would maybe not quite dress up as much - do you need to have your hair done? Could you were something smart but not too fine? Then you could spend the afternoon at a national trust place. You're only talking about filling maybe 5 hours by the time you've checked in and driven around a bit.