Invitation to non consecutive bits of a wedding

[TobyChestnut]

Close friend’s son getting married in a city a few hours away and we have received an invitation to the ceremony at 11.45am but not to the meal/speeches part which is after the ceremony. We are then invited to the evening at 7pm. All three parts are at the same venue. No accommodation at the venue other than for their immediate family so we have booked 2 x Premier Inn rooms for us and our 17 and 19 year old children about 6 miles away.

Felt obliged to accept both parts of the invitation despite the void in the middle as assumed that they wanted us to see them get married but couldn’t afford for more than a small number for the meal.

Was wondering what to do to fill 5- 6 hour gap between the two parts as the premier inn room not available until later and also because we will have had to get dressed up for the Ceremony so will be in our finery, hair done etc which we’d also want for the evening.

I’ve now just been told that there are 50 people at the meal/speeches part (I had assumed it was a small gathering for a dozen or so) and a further 100 who like us are invited to the other two parts. Also that the Ceremony isn’t the actually wedding as the venue isn’t licensed so they are having a civil ceremony elsewhere the day before (with families in attendance).

AIBU to think that this is an unfair ask but to feel uncomfortable saying so to my close friend? Wish they had just invited anyone not in the select 50 to the evening then we could use the day to travel, get ready at the premier inn and go to the evening part. Really don’t want to cause bad feeling as we have been friends for 40 years.

Poor planning and inconsiderate on the part of your friend’s family. The morning event isn’t even the real wedding, just a contrived event for the B and C list guests! And it’s only your friend’s son getting married, not your close friend of 40 years, which would be a different matter.

I’d definitely only go to one part, not both.

If you’d prefer to just go to the fake ceremony in the morning, do that and then go home. Or skip the morning and just attend the evening do. A bright and breezy RSVP, along the lines of “Unfortunately we can’t make the morning ceremony but we will be delighted to join you all for the evening celebrations at 7pm” or the other way round. Don’t feel the need for a big explanation. Remember you are just one of the many invitees they are juggling so I doubt they are going to interrogate you as to why.

I bloody hate evening invitations, I’d rather not be invited to a wedding at all, than be on the very obvious B list where you turn up to an event knowing you have been excluded from the main celebrations and are expected to buy your own drinks and, if you’re lucky, you might get a slice of pizza or dried-up cake at 9pm. Everyone else is already drunk and tired, and you’re lucky if the bride or groom even registers your arrival. No thanks.

How can a you be friends with someone for 40 years, consider yourself close and yet be excluded from the middle part of the event. And to have to travel for 5 hours for that palaver.

And not even be able to have a reasonable discussion for fear of upsetting this so called friend.

Also, if I’m only invited to an evening party of a wedding, I downgrade any gift accordingly. If I’m not important enough to be invited for the day, but still expected to pay for travel, accommodation, etc, and probably pay for a cash bar in the evening, I don’t spend more than £20-£30 on a gift. Which these days is invariably a contribution to Nathan and Amy’s Patagonian honeymoon fund 🙄

Just go to the evening bit! Check-in, dress up, do your hair and do the evening. Anything else is madness. Killing 5 hours in your wedding outfits will be very boring.

I attended a very odd wedding a few years ago.
There were a handful of people at the ceremony although the room was set with far more chairs.
Apparently the empty chairs were for people who were only invited to the ceremony and not the wedding breakfast (no evening do)
If I had been only invited to watch them marry I wouldn't have turned up to it either! Midwinter in the middle of nowhere for an hour at the busiest time of year for most people!
Some people feel feel oddly entitled to other people's time (and money)

Exactly the same thing! A very close friend invited my husband and I to their sons, wedding ceremony and then evening do. We booked the hotel they were having the evening do. (Expensive City hotel)
We went to the ceremony, and later to the evening do, there was no food served for guests. If we had known, no food was going to be served, we would of eaten in between the ceremony and evening do.
All in all, very expensive, with the cost of a present, travel, hotel etc.
i wish we hadn’t gone, stayed at home and just sent a gift.

I think they should have invited you to the evening do but then said ‘if you did want to watch the ceremony you’d be welcome’

I’d just go for the evening do as I’d likely wear a slightly different outfit for a day wedding than for an evening do. Because you won’t be on any day photos. You can just go in party wear, not wedding attire.

If I’m being uncharitable, I would think they are trying to maximise the gifts. I mean you give a bigger gift for a day wedding than a reception invite don’t you? Or is that just me. Anyway I may just be being mean now.

If it's a few hours away, the ceremony is going to be a bit of an arse to get to for 11.45am. Skip it, arrive at your hotel rooms after check in time, chill out then have lots of time to get ready for the evening.

If your friend takes umbrage at you not being there for the ceremony, then maybe they should have arranged to get married at 3pm as many people do who are more considerate of their guests' comfort and travel plans.

Actually they have very fancy sit down meal rides where people dress smart, if it times out well you could do that (it starts from Loughborough) and it’s not too expensive.

How fancy a hair do are you planning on having? Pop back to hotel, get changed, go out into the city for a bit, come back and get changed again.

I've done this twice. It was mildly annoying, not that big a deal.

How fancy a hair do are you planning on having? Pop back to hotel, get changed, go out into the city for a bit, come back and get changed again.

I've done this twice. It was mildly annoying, not that big a deal.

As the ceremony isn’t real, just update her to say you have been looking at logistics and, on balance, coming to the evening only would work better. They won’t mind.

I’d skip the evening do - do the ceremony save the cost of the hotel and drive home. Congratulate the couple, say hi to your friends and head off. I bet they both won’t even notice if you turn up or not in the evening.

When my two daughters got married. I insisted, their wasn’t going to be any evening guests at there weddings. All the guests were there, all day and night do.
I really dislike evening do’s, and feel very much like a second class guest. I would now rather not be invited.

Just make it so….
if it’s not too late, contact them and say you’re unable to make the morning bit because of an unforeseen requirement with a granny\dog\telative but you’ll see them in the evening

I think it’s ridiculous. Parents want you to see their princess or prince get married but can’t fork out for a meal after. I would just go to the evening.

I went to a wedding like this. I went to a restaurant with with my partner and some friends. We got back for the evening do at half past seven (started at seven). The groom was very annoyed and no longer speaks to any of us!

I’d skip the whole thing. I was once invited to the evening do of a wedding and there was no food and we had to pay for drinks. Felt such a mug. Another time arrived to find everyone already quite pissed and tired. Wouldn’t accept an evening invitation again. But if you really want to go, skip the morning bit. Are your teens keen on getting up at the crack of dawn to travel, hang around for hours and then go to a party full of oldies? I think you’ll all be exhausted.

I just wouldn't go to the fake ceremony.

As a rule I hate these invitations. So inconsiderate. But honestly, call the premier in and see if they'll make your room ready a bit early. Or go to the cinema. Just don't wear a massive hat etc, go on the casual side of wedding attire.

If you don’t want to address it directly….

I’d just accept and attend the evening only and if questioned say oh we have an emergency I won’t bore you with it. The main thing to s we are here! You look soooo beautiful”

no way would I be hanging around like an extra on a film set
she’s an absolute dick giving you that kind of an invite it’s incredibly rude and thoughtless. Presumably you are there to pad out the crowd in pictures of her big day vs a valued friend who she wants to share the happy day with

I'd either cite travel issues and just go to the evening.

Or go to ceremony then go out for food. Back to the premier inn to check in /chill out a bit , freshen up then off to the evening do.

I think it's bloody rude to expect guests to hang around for hours. Normally I'd say go to the ceremony early and then leave, as wedding breakfasts often overrun and then there's not always enough seating for the evening guests to sit together. However, as this isn't even the real wedding ceremony (the couple having wed the day before), I'd probably skip the whole thing and send apologies.

I have done this kind of timing for DH's friends' wedding, but it was only two hours away for us and in Brighton which is a fun place to hang out for the day, and the weather was nice. We went for a long lunch after the ceremony and generally had a lovely day, and had a nice long chilled out time before getting ready for the evening. If the logistics and location doesn't work for the ceremony though going in the evening only is going to be vastly easier.

It because wedding ceremonies have to be open, so the invite is essentially one of, if you are free and want to see the actual wedding ceremony (which is the most important part), please feel free to rock up. I thought this was quite common, especially for old family friends who might like to see the children they grew up with get married, but aren't close enough to be the bride and groom's nearest and dearest. This happened with our families and friends.