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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Invitation to non consecutive bits of a wedding

413 replies

TobyChestnut · 06/03/2025 23:25

Close friend’s son getting married in a city a few hours away and we have received an invitation to the ceremony at 11.45am but not to the meal/speeches part which is after the ceremony. We are then invited to the evening at 7pm. All three parts are at the same venue. No accommodation at the venue other than for their immediate family so we have booked 2 x Premier Inn rooms for us and our 17 and 19 year old children about 6 miles away.

Felt obliged to accept both parts of the invitation despite the void in the middle as assumed that they wanted us to see them get married but couldn’t afford for more than a small number for the meal.

Was wondering what to do to fill 5- 6 hour gap between the two parts as the premier inn room not available until later and also because we will have had to get dressed up for the Ceremony so will be in our finery, hair done etc which we’d also want for the evening.

I’ve now just been told that there are 50 people at the meal/speeches part (I had assumed it was a small gathering for a dozen or so) and a further 100 who like us are invited to the other two parts. Also that the Ceremony isn’t the actually wedding as the venue isn’t licensed so they are having a civil ceremony elsewhere the day before (with families in attendance).

AIBU to think that this is an unfair ask but to feel uncomfortable saying so to my close friend? Wish they had just invited anyone not in the select 50 to the evening then we could use the day to travel, get ready at the premier inn and go to the evening part. Really don’t want to cause bad feeling as we have been friends for 40 years.

OP posts:
ViciousCurrentBun · 07/03/2025 08:04

It honestly wouldn't bother me. As friends of the parents an invite for their children’s wedding and the evening do would be fine with me. The actual ceremony is the most important part all the food and afterwards is just a lovely trimming. Weddings are costing ridiculous amounts so I can see why. When it comes to gifts, no one is obliged to take a gift costing a certain amount if anything at all.

Doitrightnow · 07/03/2025 08:04

Inviting people to the wedding ceremony and evening do only is super common around here - I had 120 for the meal and another 60 for ceremony/evening. I've also been a guest myself invited to ceremony/evening many times.

I just went to get food, looked around town if it was central, and then sat and read my book (or chatted to friends if there were others in the same situation). Sometimes I'd get changed in the hotel or public toilets and leave my dress in the car.

But tbh, in all these cases I don't think the bride and groom would really have noticed or cared if the evening only guests had gone or not. So if you want to decline either the ceremony or evening do, assuming you are giving good notice, I wouldnt expect it to upset anyone. But you know your friend of course.

Brefugee · 07/03/2025 08:05

tbh i don't see how you can complain now you have accepted. I would only have gone to the ceremony, tbh

KenAdams · 07/03/2025 08:07

TobyChestnut · 06/03/2025 23:35

It’s 20 minute drive from Leicester so not in the city just near.

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If you can be more specific with the area I can give you some ideas about what to do.

ThereTheirTheyreYourYoureToTooLEARNTHEM · 07/03/2025 08:08

CanOfMangoTango · 06/03/2025 23:33

I had the same once too but misread the invitation, assumed we were invited to the whole thing and only realised the night before.

Me and DH palled up with a bunch of other rejects after the ceremony, found a curry house down the road, got taxis in all our finery, had a good lunch. Then found the pub next door was having a beer festival. I think the pub was very bemused by us all turning up but we basically drank the place dry and by the time it got to 7pm we couldn't be arsed with the evening do.

We did go, but it was boring and all the tables and chairs were occupied by the day guests so we left after an hour.

Edited

I’d say you made good use of an otherwise wasted day! 🍻

Gymmum82 · 07/03/2025 08:10

Those saying it’s an insult blah blah. It’s not even her friend getting married. It’s her friends SON!! He’s only invited her to please his mum. He doesn’t care if she comes or not!! The absolute entitlement of people expecting a full days invite to a wedding of an acquaintance is astounding. Go or don’t go. He doesn’t care either way

joose · 07/03/2025 08:10

Gymmum82 · 07/03/2025 08:10

Those saying it’s an insult blah blah. It’s not even her friend getting married. It’s her friends SON!! He’s only invited her to please his mum. He doesn’t care if she comes or not!! The absolute entitlement of people expecting a full days invite to a wedding of an acquaintance is astounding. Go or don’t go. He doesn’t care either way

yeah he's only invited her to please his mum: another good reason not to attend

pearbottomjeans · 07/03/2025 08:12

V stupid. I'd just go to the evening if that.

Imisscoffee2021 · 07/03/2025 08:16

That's a very inconsiderate way to include people in your wedding day. We had strict numbers due to the venue for mine so we prioritised family and then a few friends who had to travel from miles away (which included all family too as theyre from other side of country). Local friends then were invited to the evening party, as much as we wanted then there all day.

But we'd never have dreamed of inviting those far away friends just for one section as its such alot of travel and expense, and to split it across the day like your inviter is crazy!

FinallyHere · 07/03/2025 08:16

Another vote for there being absolutely nothing wrong with declining. You have been invited as a gesture to your friend who probably said 'we have been friends for forty years, she will be disappointed to not receive an invitation, so cannot possibly object if you say that you are delighted to hear their lovely news and are only sorry it won't be possible for you to be there.

The honour of your friendship fully satisfied.

When people really want you there, they put their guests comfort and safety foremost in the planning.

This isn't that.

SanctusInDistress · 07/03/2025 08:20

Go to the ceremony and then take yourself and family to a nice lunch then go home and wish your friend lots of happiness.

sone people just don’t have style - if you can’t afford to invite everybody to everything, then have fewer people to everything or more people to fewer ‘parts’. Does this make sense?

MeowCatPleaseMeowBack · 07/03/2025 08:20

TobyChestnut · 06/03/2025 23:48

Apologies I wasn’t intending that to sound as if we’ve been friends for 40 years so we should be invited to the meal. It was intended to convey we have been friends for 40 years so I don’t want to bust the friendship by explaining we would prefer to go to either the ceremony or the evening rather than both.

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They're clearly not worried about "busting" the friendship by sending you this ridiculous invitation. As PJ and Duncan said, just say no.

Doitrightnow · 07/03/2025 08:24

CowTown · 07/03/2025 07:08

How do you pull this off on the invitation? My wedding invitations said x church, followed by reception at x venue. If the wedding, meal, and reception are at the same venue, how do you even word this? Wedding at x venue at 11, then reception at 7? Not everyone would pick up on that.

We wrote ceremony at 11 followed by dancing 7-11pm on the formal invitation in these cases. So deliberately no mention of reception or dinner.

MajorCarolDanvers · 07/03/2025 08:26

Just skip the service and go to the evening.

no one will notice.

CandidHedgehog · 07/03/2025 08:28

Shockingly rude behaviour. The rule is it’s fine to add people at each stage but never take people away (so just evening do is fine).

I’d go for the ceremony then leave. I’m not hanging around a strange city / town for 4 or 5 hours in heels and a dress because my friend or her child and the spouse to be have no manners and no understanding of how to host people.

And yes, I’d reduce my wedding gift accordingly.

Silentdream · 07/03/2025 08:29

Weddings are mind numbingly dull at the nest of times. I’d decline the entire invite and go and spend the day doing something more enjoyable.

Arrivals4lucky · 07/03/2025 08:29

It’s such an odd thing to do IMHO. Inhave been to quite a few evening in my dos and been happy with that, why in gods name do so want to sit through the church bit if I don’t have to!
esp the properly churchy ones either ceremonies that go in for days. Went to a Presbyterian one where the minister did a fire and brimstone 45 min sermon!

Arrivals4lucky · 07/03/2025 08:30

Silentdream · 07/03/2025 08:29

Weddings are mind numbingly dull at the nest of times. I’d decline the entire invite and go and spend the day doing something more enjoyable.

It’s the speeches that I find excruciatingly…unless you know the couple REALLY well

MajorCarolDanvers · 07/03/2025 08:30

TobyChestnut · 06/03/2025 23:51

In our wedding finery and hair done (which we need to keep looking good for the evening)? Happily spend an afternoon doing that in my jeans if I wasn’t going back to a Wedding afterwards.

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If you are determined to go to both then find somewhere posh and amazing to go for a long and lavish lunch.

MeridianB · 07/03/2025 08:31

It's pretty pointless to try to attend both. Can you just go to the ceremony then head home? Save the hotel costs and the hanging around. They clearly want to save money while maxing out the gifts.

CandidHedgehog · 07/03/2025 08:33

Ritasueandbobtoo9 · 07/03/2025 04:01

You can pay £10 for early check in at Premier Inn. Do that and you have a place to lounge and redo your makeup.

Only if the room is available and they won’t let you pre-book. I’ve tried this twice at PI and been refused both times as ‘no rooms ready’.

Chunkilumptious · 07/03/2025 08:33

Sorry I've not read everything response but I think it's meant to be taken as an evening invitation with a formal welcome to the ceremony rather than expecting you there (or that's how I've known it be). I wouldn't overthink it as being a gap in the middle or two parts, just if you'd like to make the ceremony and can, there's no awkwardness about checking it's ok (I know it's public if a church but still).

LetsTalkTwaddle · 07/03/2025 08:35

I'd ask around to find out if anyone else I know and like has had the same gappy invitation and then arrange lunch somewhere nice with them after the ceremony. After that I'd go home and save the money I'd planned to spend on a hotel room. I'd also not spend any extra money on dressing up for the ceremony and forget the finery. Presentable will do, no need for special hair appointments. You're only friends of the family. They haven't thought of your ease and comfort and the ceremony isn't even a real wedding, so why on earth go to great lengths for them?

My worst experience of this involved people I knew quite well socially who married later in life. We were invited to the ceremony in a tiny town in mid-Wales, then left with a long afternoon to fill before we were invited to join the party at some barns in the middle of nowhere. No parking for 60 evening guests at the venue, so we were all instructed to park on a muddy verge on the side of a B-road and stagger in the dark down a rough mile-long unmade lane carrying food contributions for the evening event and our own drinks. When we eventually got there there was nowhere to sit down because all the full day guests were occupying the seating and tables. They were starving, because no evening food had been provided for them and lunch was over hours ago, and they fell on our food. We weren't quick enough to realise what was going on and so missed out on supper because they ate and drank everything we'd brought with us. The day guests eventually retired to their rooms in the farmhouse and bunkhouse and the other barns on the premises, leaving the evening guests to stumble back to their cars in the dark and cold. We've not had much to do with the happy couple since then and when we do meet I slip in an allusion to having been one of the caterers for their wedding or do a tinkly little laugh about how their families drank the booze we'd been asked to bring for ourselves.

CheesePlantBoxes · 07/03/2025 08:35

Pay to check in earlier? Or use use the hotel bar facilities?

Don't get me wrong, I don't think the invitation is very well thought out but if you're going and not speaking up then I'd do one of the above. Sounds like there will be loads of others.

Sadly for your friend, I don't think the realise just how pissed up people will get in a 5 hour gap with nothing else to do so the evening do might be a bit 😬

Starlight7080 · 07/03/2025 08:37

Why do people do this? Is it so for the ceremony and the party they seem like they have loads of friends and family to fill seats /space and make the photos look good. Plus lots of gifts.
But not want to pay for any food and such for these guests?
I wouldn't go to any of it . I'm sure your friend will cope