Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Invitation to non consecutive bits of a wedding

413 replies

TobyChestnut · 06/03/2025 23:25

Close friend’s son getting married in a city a few hours away and we have received an invitation to the ceremony at 11.45am but not to the meal/speeches part which is after the ceremony. We are then invited to the evening at 7pm. All three parts are at the same venue. No accommodation at the venue other than for their immediate family so we have booked 2 x Premier Inn rooms for us and our 17 and 19 year old children about 6 miles away.

Felt obliged to accept both parts of the invitation despite the void in the middle as assumed that they wanted us to see them get married but couldn’t afford for more than a small number for the meal.

Was wondering what to do to fill 5- 6 hour gap between the two parts as the premier inn room not available until later and also because we will have had to get dressed up for the Ceremony so will be in our finery, hair done etc which we’d also want for the evening.

I’ve now just been told that there are 50 people at the meal/speeches part (I had assumed it was a small gathering for a dozen or so) and a further 100 who like us are invited to the other two parts. Also that the Ceremony isn’t the actually wedding as the venue isn’t licensed so they are having a civil ceremony elsewhere the day before (with families in attendance).

AIBU to think that this is an unfair ask but to feel uncomfortable saying so to my close friend? Wish they had just invited anyone not in the select 50 to the evening then we could use the day to travel, get ready at the premier inn and go to the evening part. Really don’t want to cause bad feeling as we have been friends for 40 years.

OP posts:
RanyaJerodung · 08/03/2025 04:38

Zonder · 08/03/2025 00:22

I think you probably feel you know the person getting married better than they feel they know you. As a friend of their parents/ parent of someone they used to be mates with, you will come much further down the list than family and their own adult friends. It's nice you've been invited to two thirds of it.

Show quote history

See, I think 2/3 isn't a great look. Invite people or don't. None of this hierarchy of friends business.

RosesAndHellebores · 08/03/2025 05:05

RanyaJerodung · 08/03/2025 04:38

See, I think 2/3 isn't a great look. Invite people or don't. None of this hierarchy of friends business.

Show quote history

This.

Ryeman · 08/03/2025 06:54

Doingmybest12 · 07/03/2025 03:42

It's a recent thing, it seems so rude to me but it's not meant that way. People are just making decisions based on finances usually and also a lot of wedding etiquette has gone out of the window.i think its much more honest to invite to the evening do and add a note to say ,if you'd like to come to see ceremony then please do feel you can rather than formal invitation and no meal.

This is what we did. Ceremony in church so anyone can attend anyway, so we included the details in the invite for evening guests. We were chuffed that loads chose to come. The wedding meal was for less than 30 people and most of the evening guests were local.

Zonder · 08/03/2025 06:57

RanyaJerodung · 08/03/2025 04:38

See, I think 2/3 isn't a great look. Invite people or don't. None of this hierarchy of friends business.

Show quote history

You may think that but it's a very common way of organising a wedding and has been for decades.

It's very usual for there to be more room at the church / evening disco whatever than at the sit down meal.

It's not what we did but it's far from unusual. And as I said, in OPs shoes I think it's nice she was even invited at all.

RanyaJerodung · 08/03/2025 07:03

Zonder · 08/03/2025 06:57

You may think that but it's a very common way of organising a wedding and has been for decades.

It's very usual for there to be more room at the church / evening disco whatever than at the sit down meal.

It's not what we did but it's far from unusual. And as I said, in OPs shoes I think it's nice she was even invited at all.

Show quote history

It has become common, but that's not my point. A pp said people are having "champagne celebrations on beer money". Very true. For the SM?
I don't think it's nice to have tiers at weddings, "I want you to come to my wedding, but not all of it, and certainly not the sit down meal part" However, obviously people disagree.

TwirlyPineapple · 08/03/2025 08:13

I'd only go to one part (or decline entirely if it wasn't reasonable to travel just for one part).

It's one thing to maybe do this if you're on a budget and having a truly small meal (v close family and bridal party) at a restaurant in between a cheap ceremony and a mid-price reception. And I don't think "evening only" guests are an unreasonable thing either.

But it's super rude to do this. They clearly want to feel special by having a huge crowd at the ceremony and want large numbers to ensure the reception has a party atmosphere but don't actually care about the inconvenience for half those people. That's so rude.

Zonder · 08/03/2025 08:13

RanyaJerodung · 08/03/2025 07:03

It has become common, but that's not my point. A pp said people are having "champagne celebrations on beer money". Very true. For the SM?
I don't think it's nice to have tiers at weddings, "I want you to come to my wedding, but not all of it, and certainly not the sit down meal part" However, obviously people disagree.

Show quote history

Clearly they do. It's not a recent thing. As I said, it's not what we did but many do and I'd choose to be grateful I was invited to parts and not none.

RanyaJerodung · 08/03/2025 08:15

Zonder · 08/03/2025 08:13

Clearly they do. It's not a recent thing. As I said, it's not what we did but many do and I'd choose to be grateful I was invited to parts and not none.

Show quote history

I never said it was a recent thing.

CandidHedgehog · 08/03/2025 08:20

Zonder · 08/03/2025 08:13

Clearly they do. It's not a recent thing. As I said, it's not what we did but many do and I'd choose to be grateful I was invited to parts and not none.

Show quote history

It’s clearly not recent since at least one poster has said she did it in the 90s.

Doesn’t make it any less rude.

And no, I’m not ‘grateful’ to be asked to make up the numbers for the photos but also asked to hang around the area for 5 or 6 hours and entertain myself while the bride and groom socialise with the people they actually like and can be bothered to provide hospitality to.

TammyJones · 08/03/2025 08:20

CanOfMangoTango · 06/03/2025 23:33

I had the same once too but misread the invitation, assumed we were invited to the whole thing and only realised the night before.

Me and DH palled up with a bunch of other rejects after the ceremony, found a curry house down the road, got taxis in all our finery, had a good lunch. Then found the pub next door was having a beer festival. I think the pub was very bemused by us all turning up but we basically drank the place dry and by the time it got to 7pm we couldn't be arsed with the evening do.

We did go, but it was boring and all the tables and chairs were occupied by the day guests so we left after an hour.

Edited

Brilliant-
We had a small register office do - 12 people.
Went to the pub for a hour.
Then a big party in evening where we did speeches etc.

Gloriia · 08/03/2025 08:20

Omg just go to the night do.
I've no idea why anyone would consider being faffed around like this.

RanyaJerodung · 08/03/2025 08:21

CandidHedgehog · 08/03/2025 08:20

It’s clearly not recent since at least one poster has said she did it in the 90s.

Doesn’t make it any less rude.

And no, I’m not ‘grateful’ to be asked to make up the numbers for the photos but also asked to hang around the area for 5 or 6 hours and entertain myself while the bride and groom socialise with the people they actually like and can be bothered to provide hospitality to.

Show quote history

This ⬆️

Doingmybest12 · 08/03/2025 08:22

The issue for me is that if you are invited formally to the wedding ,usually your effort to dress up, arrive on time, give a gift ,possibly time off work is more /different than if you are invited to the evening do for a bit of a dance and fun. So then not to host the guest afterwards seems off to me. So I think it should be a casual come and see the ceremony if you'd like to and then an invitation to the evening or just evening do. But I would try not to read too much into being a or b list guests , there are tricky decisions to be made based on practicalities. For OPs situation, I think evening guest invitation would be all I would expect.

Gloriia · 08/03/2025 08:23

It's bad enough the long wait between ceremony and meal when some couples seem to have the photo shoot as the main event but to be sent away to return for the night do is just absolutely ridiculous.

Zonder · 08/03/2025 08:25

CandidHedgehog · 08/03/2025 08:20

It’s clearly not recent since at least one poster has said she did it in the 90s.

Doesn’t make it any less rude.

And no, I’m not ‘grateful’ to be asked to make up the numbers for the photos but also asked to hang around the area for 5 or 6 hours and entertain myself while the bride and groom socialise with the people they actually like and can be bothered to provide hospitality to.

Show quote history

It's all a matter of perspective. If I had a genuine relationship with the family I would assume they weren't being offensive.

RuthW · 08/03/2025 08:28

I wouldn't go

CandidHedgehog · 08/03/2025 08:28

Doingmybest12 · 08/03/2025 08:22

The issue for me is that if you are invited formally to the wedding ,usually your effort to dress up, arrive on time, give a gift ,possibly time off work is more /different than if you are invited to the evening do for a bit of a dance and fun. So then not to host the guest afterwards seems off to me. So I think it should be a casual come and see the ceremony if you'd like to and then an invitation to the evening or just evening do. But I would try not to read too much into being a or b list guests , there are tricky decisions to be made based on practicalities. For OPs situation, I think evening guest invitation would be all I would expect.

Edited

This, I have absolutely no problem with an ‘evening only’ invitation. I’ve been to a couple (one for a work colleague, one where I knew a family member of the bride much better than I knew her). Having said that, they were both nearby and if the wedding is a long way away, I’d assume it was a courtesy invitation and nobody cared if I was there or not so probably not go.

NottsNora · 08/03/2025 08:29

TobyChestnut · 06/03/2025 23:35

It’s 20 minute drive from Leicester so not in the city just near.

Show quote history

Melton Mowbray?

LlynTegid · 08/03/2025 08:30

I don't think it is a very good thing to do, though given that venues seem to increase costs when the word wedding is mentioned, can understand restricting numbers for a meal.

I would have accepted either the ceremony or the evening, and depending on distance from home, might have chosen the ceremony to save a night away.

As for Leicester, you could visit the cathedral and the Richard III centre next door.

Gloriia · 08/03/2025 08:31

Zonder · 08/03/2025 08:25

It's all a matter of perspective. If I had a genuine relationship with the family I would assume they weren't being offensive.

Show quote history

Not being offensive no just a bit thick and thoughtless.

Gloriia · 08/03/2025 08:33

If you do go along with it op just book a room for 2 nights. It'll be awful trying to kill time between a service and check in. Or just go dressed down, not in jeans obviously just without the fascinator and heels.

UpTheLaganInABubble1 · 08/03/2025 08:38

Agree with those saying there is no obligation to go to both. Just go to the part you want to go to.

In all honesty, I wouldn't pay for a hotel stay for an evening invitation, but I know people do

PointsSouth · 08/03/2025 08:38

I’d really like to know how that conversation went when they were planning it.

”So a whole lot of people we invite to the first bit and the last bit, but not the middle bit? What are they supposed to do for six hours?”

”There’s loads to do! There’s the transport museum! Lovely cafe!”

”Just seems a bit….rude.”

”You’re saying it’s rude to invite them to our wedding?”

”No, I mean…”

”Look, it’s my day. I’ve got enough to think about. This is not my problem.”

PatsFruitCake · 08/03/2025 08:41

I've been to a wedding like this but we had family nearby and went there between ceremony and evening do.
There are lots of options. Don't go at all, go to one part or go to both parts and find something to do between them.

If you go to both parts then either dress smart, but not full on wedding smart so you don't need to bother getting changed or just get changed at your hotel or somewhere else. I've been to a couple of weddings recently which were a long drive but where I wasn't staying over so I didn't have a hotel room. I've just got changed and done my make up in a loo at the venue.

Gloriia · 08/03/2025 08:42

It's actually a bit arrogant to think folk are so invested they'll be happy to watch the ceremony but can then twiddle their fingers for hours until the sausage rolls at the night do.

I hope this ends up in the dm then the wedding people can hang their heads in shame Grin.