Invitation to non consecutive bits of a wedding

[TobyChestnut]

Close friend’s son getting married in a city a few hours away and we have received an invitation to the ceremony at 11.45am but not to the meal/speeches part which is after the ceremony. We are then invited to the evening at 7pm. All three parts are at the same venue. No accommodation at the venue other than for their immediate family so we have booked 2 x Premier Inn rooms for us and our 17 and 19 year old children about 6 miles away.

Felt obliged to accept both parts of the invitation despite the void in the middle as assumed that they wanted us to see them get married but couldn’t afford for more than a small number for the meal.

Was wondering what to do to fill 5- 6 hour gap between the two parts as the premier inn room not available until later and also because we will have had to get dressed up for the Ceremony so will be in our finery, hair done etc which we’d also want for the evening.

I’ve now just been told that there are 50 people at the meal/speeches part (I had assumed it was a small gathering for a dozen or so) and a further 100 who like us are invited to the other two parts. Also that the Ceremony isn’t the actually wedding as the venue isn’t licensed so they are having a civil ceremony elsewhere the day before (with families in attendance).

AIBU to think that this is an unfair ask but to feel uncomfortable saying so to my close friend? Wish they had just invited anyone not in the select 50 to the evening then we could use the day to travel, get ready at the premier inn and go to the evening part. Really don’t want to cause bad feeling as we have been friends for 40 years.

That’s …. pretty much paraphrasing what the poster who did this said about her reasoning, yes (although she did throw in a bit about not being able to afford a meal for everyone).

I don't see it as rude, if they've got limited space and budget (which everyone does) then the alternative is not asking certain guests at all. If the guest doesn't like what's on offer then they don't need to go.

Or they could scale back the level of catering - instead of a 3 course meal in a nice restaurant for 50 while 150 get nothing, they could rent a church hall or a sports club function room and buy in sandwiches / pizza / other cheap and filling food and feed everyone.

Of course, that wouldn’t look as good in the pictures and that’s far more important than the comfort of the guests. (/s).

I find generally when people say ‘space and budget won’t allow’, they mean ‘the choices I have made have resulted in predictable outcomes’.

I would say it’s down to social media and that absolutely doesn’t help but people have been trying to have weddings above their means no matter what that means for the guests for decades.

I would happily do this. And I wouldn't think the couple were being arrogant to invite me to do so.

I'd have a nice day seeing the ceremony, having a nice afternoon somewhere and then coming back for drinks later.

If it didn't suit me I wouldn't do both ends. But at no point would I consider it rude for me to have been given the option. It's so bizarre to me to take an invitation as an insult.

And I find it bizarre that any bride and groom wouldn’t realise they are insulting people by doing this so there you go.

'It's so bizarre to me to take an invitation as an insult'

Partial invite, to the free then cheaper bit. It is shit however you try to spin it.

Just invite to the night do if you can't afford to cater for the day do.

Tone down your planned outfits @TobyChestnut so that you won't look out of place in the middle going off to do something else. Maxi/midi dress and flat/platform sandals and shirt and chinos for the men.

Could you splash out for the night before at your premier inn so you have use of the room during the day?

Perhaps it is because I was brought up in a different type of community, so that's why this seems rude to me. Come to my wedding ceremony - but don't come to the reception?! Come back later when we've had the main part? We would invite people for the wedding. That's it. Short of funds? Nothing wrong with a simple venue with no fancy add ons, nothing wrong with a basic menu. The Australian poster upthread has the same experience.
However, some of the nicest weddings I've been to have been hosted by English people who didn't go in for the differentiation of friends, so it's obviously not always the case.

I think being invited to any part of a wedding is a privilige rather than an insult. If the arrnangements don't suit then don't go.

That's more offensive!

I think that only works if the wedding is local, so you can nip hone in-between. I did it once where we stayed over, but part of the hotel was available for casual dining so we could have ate there in between if we'd have wanted to. As it was, we got changed went into the local town for a bit.

What on earth have I posted that would make you think I would go if anyone I knew was rude enough to send this sort of invitation?! Thankfully nobody I know ever has.

I don’t see being invited to be a seat filler for the photographs but not being entitled to any actual hospitality as being any sort of privilege, sorry, and I’m not enough of a doormat to show up if I ever did get that sort of invitation.

I might have a birthday party and invite some people for food and drinks the rest just for the present opening 🤔

You're jumping to a lot of conclusions there. I got married in the days before social media and only had 40 people. Parents, siblings and close friends. No aunts, uncles, cousins, colleagues or friends of parents. It was what we wanted. It's the choice of the couple getting married. Some people are very quick to take offence.

And some people are quick to give offence if it gets them what they want (a lavish wedding on a limited budget). Like the bride and groom the OP is posting about.

You hadn’t said you did provide two tier hosting so my post wasn’t directed at your wedding - rather at your comment that ‘but budget’ is an excuse for not inviting guests to the meal in the OP’s situation.

If you had a 40 person wedding based on what you could afford and offered equal hospitality to everyone, even if that was a cup of tea and a home made sandwich in someone’s front room (no idea what hospitality you actually offered, obviously), that sounds like a lovely wedding and exactly the sort of wedding I’ve been saying people should have rather than 200, 500, 1000 person extravaganzas they can’t afford and can’t host properly.

But some guest are the "second tier" because obviously friends of the groom's parents aren't as important to the couple as their parents, siblings, best friends are. To take offence at that doesn't make sense to me. If one of my friend's children ever invites me to their wedding I'd be surprised and touched they had me on the invite list at all. I'd then decide if what I was being invited to was something I wanted to attend. No need to be upset by any of it.

The issue here is the messiness of having a gap in the day. If OP had only been invited to the evening do then I don't think she would have posted.

Yes, absolutely. I still hold that these are essentially an evening invitation, with the added info that you’re welcome at the ceremony too, if you like.

Absolutely. It is completely fine and always has been to add people at each stage and if the OP had posted about just being invited for the evening by a bride and groom (who she doesn’t know well as her friendship is with the parents), I would be saying that was fine.

I mean, I’d also be suggesting it was a courtesy invite and she shouldn’t go if she doesn’t want to but it wouldn’t be rude to do it that way.

What is rude is choosing to invite someone to the ceremony and then treating them as a ‘second tier’ guest. If you invite someone, whether due to pressure from your parents or because they are your BFF and you would never dream of getting married without their presence, they are your guest and should be treated equally.

It’s just the polite thing to do.

I think whole "second tier" thing isn't offensive, but I just wouldn't go to a wedding of someone I didn't know well enough to be included in the whole thing, unless maybe the main reception was really, really small, like immediate family only. Or if it's really easy for me to get to.

I remember an old friend doing a very narcissistic "save the date" video where he showed a video of the very lavish proposal etc etc, then invited me to the evening only, which was located halfway across the country, in the middle of nowhere, when I was heavily pregnant, I couldn't drive and he also didn't invite my husband. It was an absolute no brainer to decline, but the groom got really huffy about it. "Poor effort UpTheLagan, poor effort". I don't see him anymore. Bit of a groomzilla!

Since then I've decided not to humour anyone when they're getting very ballsy and OTT about "MY BIG DAY". I'm married too. I didn't do any of that shite. Each to their own etc, but if someone does get like that, they need to be prepared for people not to come along and also for them to maybe not like that side of their personality

I'd find this extremely rude. They should be having a much smaller wedding all round if this is the numbers situation. I've only seen it work once and that was because the guest embraced it.

It was a friend ended being invited to attend a ceremony and evening do at short notice although she couldn't be accommodated at the meal for various reasons including her dietary reqs with such sort notice. She found a place to eat that worked for her (she's a foodie so she was very happy with that) and luckily it was a city centre wedding and she agreed to come partly to see the city so she was happy to explore and likes an adventure. A less enthused guest may not have gone or may have been insulted with such an invite. I personally would find it rude!

We were invited to a ceremony only recently. We went but only because we'd already rsvpd to the save the date and there was no indication that they'd do this until it happened so not going after lots of chat would've seemed toys out of pram. They wanted a cathedral wedding and a bijou reception at which no one was properly fed (apparently!). It was a nice ceremony but I did find it cheeky!

This. I’m all for it’s your wedding do what you want but this set up is just…. Insulting? Just invite people you don’t want to pay for a meal to the evening.

It is exactly like inviting people to your birthday party, telling most people you don’t have the funds to feed them but come back later for cake and party games.

I’d decline the ceremony and go to the evening

However, you are not welcome to the reception, so go and occupy yourselves elsewhere.

It actually baffles my how someone cant see how rude this would be

Our response was "let us know as early as possible if you decide not to come so we can give the space to someone who won't find the gap hard."

Have the wedding you can afford by all means. But remember the ceremony is the most important bit 'TO YOU' not necessarily your guests who don't fancy hanging around half the afternoon for the chance to stand around with a soggy sandwich later in the day.

"To rsvp you have to login to their wedding website and each of our names show (us and both our teen children). Next to each of our names is a tick box for each section we have been invited to and we have to tick the relevant boxes and submit by the deadline. No ambiguity at all over which parts you are invited to!"

It just gets worse! So thoughtless. I'll bet their website includes their registry too? I'm betting they're happy to accept gifts from all the second tier guests they don't want to feed just as much as their VIPs who will be getting some food. And a cash bar, far away from home. Utterly crass.

My partner and I are "eloping" with our two witnesses soon, and our witnesses are getting a champagne reception with canapés, a three course dinner and cake as a thank you from us for taking their time and making the effort to travel to and celebrate with us.

Which is why this is effectively an evening invitation, with the option of attending the ceremony if it suits.