Invitation to non consecutive bits of a wedding

[TobyChestnut]

Close friend’s son getting married in a city a few hours away and we have received an invitation to the ceremony at 11.45am but not to the meal/speeches part which is after the ceremony. We are then invited to the evening at 7pm. All three parts are at the same venue. No accommodation at the venue other than for their immediate family so we have booked 2 x Premier Inn rooms for us and our 17 and 19 year old children about 6 miles away.

Felt obliged to accept both parts of the invitation despite the void in the middle as assumed that they wanted us to see them get married but couldn’t afford for more than a small number for the meal.

Was wondering what to do to fill 5- 6 hour gap between the two parts as the premier inn room not available until later and also because we will have had to get dressed up for the Ceremony so will be in our finery, hair done etc which we’d also want for the evening.

I’ve now just been told that there are 50 people at the meal/speeches part (I had assumed it was a small gathering for a dozen or so) and a further 100 who like us are invited to the other two parts. Also that the Ceremony isn’t the actually wedding as the venue isn’t licensed so they are having a civil ceremony elsewhere the day before (with families in attendance).

AIBU to think that this is an unfair ask but to feel uncomfortable saying so to my close friend? Wish they had just invited anyone not in the select 50 to the evening then we could use the day to travel, get ready at the premier inn and go to the evening part. Really don’t want to cause bad feeling as we have been friends for 40 years.

Does your birthday usually include a formal ceremony?

Partial invite, to the evening do and to to the bit which is traditionally public any way.

Completely valid with no spin required.

And it's still an invitation, not an expectation. Nobody is required to have an afternoon off somewhere if it doesn't suit them.

Then the invitation should be phrased like that.

If it take multiple pages of discussion as to what the invitation really means when it says ‘you are invited to the ceremony and the evening party’ with the meal greyed out to make it completely clear you aren’t invited to that bit, you (general, not @NotSoFar ) need to phrase your invitations better.

Or you know, not do this and just invite everyone to the whole wedding.

I’m not enough of a doormat to show up if I ever did get that sort of invitation.

I doubt the issue comes up that often…

It’s as generally understood as ‘carriages at midnight’ on an invitation meaning you don’t have to hire something horsedrawn to collect you.

I can only assume that the extreme touchiness about evening/second-tier wedding invitations on Mn comes from the same place as ‘the school run is full of cliques and exclusions’ — people who struggle with normal adult social interactions not being conducted under the ‘whole class parties’ rules for six year olds. Yes, you’re not considered as close to the B and G as the people with ‘full’ invitations. The group of parents in the playground are just talking to their friends.

What a farce. I wouldn't spend my time and money attending this.

Same situation here! A old (but no longer especially close) friend is getting married in a couple of weeks, I’m invited to the whole day, but my OH of 12 years, who they know very well (!!) is only invited to the ceremony and evening and is expected to disappear somewhere, all dressed up, for several hours while I am at the meal. Our EBF 10 week old isn’t invited at all, so no idea where he’d be expected to go with no access to a boob for hours.

Ridiculous expectation, so we’ve unfortunately got a ‘prior commitment’ on that day.

Well since I specifically said that no one I know has ever been rude enough to send this sort of invitation, that’s not much of a reach, is it?

And I’ve never mentioned my views to anyone in real life if that’s what you are implying. I’ve never had to - my friends are all decent people.

Depends on national/cultural traditions.
Also, if you're local it's not a big problem although even when it happened to me in my own city, I didn't go home, just hung around with friends for the middle part. I'm not particularly bothered about hanging around in a wedding guest dress.

All OP has to do is tell her friend, she only wants to go to x or y. There's no reason why it would break the friendship.

Except it’s not generally understood as multiple people on this thread have said.

It’s also not necessarily generally meant! At least one person has posted about a couple who were most indignant at the empty chairs at the ceremony after this sort of invitation.

I would probably go to the ‘ceremony’ just to see what it is like. I did once go to a ‘ceremony’ which was held in a sort of glam camping place with tepees where the wedding party ( important people) had stayed the night before. The ceremony was held in the open, luckily it didn’t rain though was quite chilly, several guests had to wrap their tepee blankets round them. Very amusing (I don’t feel bad about laughing though I didn’t laugh openly at the time, it had no element of spirituality about it, it was basically a celebration of the bride’s self esteem) .

We had declined the invitation to the second part which involved some sort of outdoor feast, so we escaped unscathed.

To be honest I was implying that you probably don’t get many invitations full stop.

Well yes, but I was giving you the chance to pretend you weren’t that rude.

Not really a surprise you didn’t take it I suppose….

Well yes, but I was giving you the chance to pretend you weren’t that rude.

Nah, not a fan of pretending. I meant it exactly how it sounded.

Glad we’ve managed to remove any doubt.

Oh we’ve definitely removed all doubt about your manners.

In the words of Alanis Morrisette - “Isn’t it ironic?”

But its not an evening invitation or that's what it would explictedly state. And I think some people would feel (as the OP seems to) under obligation to go to both parts as they would feel it was 'rude' not to.

Also in relation to the poster with the let us know as early as possible if you decide not to come so we can give the space to someone who won't find the gap hard comment. Only attending the evening didn't seem to be an option. When their guests questioned the gap, they weren't told look you're welcome at either or both but if you find the gap doesn't suit done come

I will say Im Irish so this thing is something not familiar to me. In the past people were invited for the whole day or the evening. These days evening invitations seem to be a thing of the past and if you're invited you're invited for the whole day

That you feel able to comment on other people’s conduct …. by being rude yourself? Very ironic, yes.

Also rather funny to be honest.

Yeah? You laugh it up then, love.

I didn’t actually need your permission - I’ve been laughing since you started posting!

The total lack of understanding by you of the hypocrisy of your posts is just hilarious!

The total lack of understanding by you of the hypocrisy of your posts is just hilarious!

You want to get out more.

It would be a no from me. Or I'd just go to the evening.

Yawn. Do keep going. Watching you expose yourself for who you are in real time is quite entertaining.

Glad to give you something to do.

More! More!

Keep going!