Invitation to non consecutive bits of a wedding

[TobyChestnut]

Close friend’s son getting married in a city a few hours away and we have received an invitation to the ceremony at 11.45am but not to the meal/speeches part which is after the ceremony. We are then invited to the evening at 7pm. All three parts are at the same venue. No accommodation at the venue other than for their immediate family so we have booked 2 x Premier Inn rooms for us and our 17 and 19 year old children about 6 miles away.

Felt obliged to accept both parts of the invitation despite the void in the middle as assumed that they wanted us to see them get married but couldn’t afford for more than a small number for the meal.

Was wondering what to do to fill 5- 6 hour gap between the two parts as the premier inn room not available until later and also because we will have had to get dressed up for the Ceremony so will be in our finery, hair done etc which we’d also want for the evening.

I’ve now just been told that there are 50 people at the meal/speeches part (I had assumed it was a small gathering for a dozen or so) and a further 100 who like us are invited to the other two parts. Also that the Ceremony isn’t the actually wedding as the venue isn’t licensed so they are having a civil ceremony elsewhere the day before (with families in attendance).

AIBU to think that this is an unfair ask but to feel uncomfortable saying so to my close friend? Wish they had just invited anyone not in the select 50 to the evening then we could use the day to travel, get ready at the premier inn and go to the evening part. Really don’t want to cause bad feeling as we have been friends for 40 years.

Blimey fair play to you for going to both
I'm afraid we would just have gone to the evening too much of a faff getting all frocked up twice

We had this once, a group of us ended up sitting in a city centre weatherspoons in our wedding finery until we were allowed to go to the evening do - and they didn't even have much of a buffet for us when we turned up!
We all regretted not saying we'll just come to the evening party.
I don't think it's on really, fair enough if it's for cost saving reasons but then either have a cheaper wedding or just invite people in the evening.

I think engaged couples see it as a nice gesture to offer for people to share in the actual ceremony ( which after all is the point of the whole event ) but with costs and expanded families nowadays simply cannot afford to pay for everyone at the “ wedding breakfast”. I’m sure they will be perfectly fine with you attending Eve only , but believe it is a decent gesture to offer for people to witness the actual wedding. ( in other places the main event can be number limited eg a registry office so this might not be possible)

Many years ago (40+ years) we were invited to the 'after Wedding reception' part of the day only. It was such a fiasco (for example the food had all gone so we actually had to leave, drive 5 miles and get some fish & chips in the middle of the evening!) we really resented driving 120+ miles. We decided never, ever just to go to art of a wedding again - since then it's all or nothing as far as we are concerned.

Decline invitation, the couple genuinely won’t be bothered in the slightest that you are not attending- trust me.

I think that’s thoughtless of the bride and her family. All the effort and money it will cost u to go and you are supposed to fill in the intervening hours in your Sunday best. As the others have said I would just go to the evening bit.

Yes, but they can afford an evening do as well as a reception? How about they don't have the evening do and just use the money for a largee reception, to which everyone is invited?

"Really don’t want to cause bad feeling as we have been friends for 40 years."

I honestly don't think they'll care that much. I think fair enough if you aren't actually friends of the people getting married, but friends of their parents, that they'd only invite you to the evening do - that's the sort of tier I'd expect, not to be in their 50 closest friends. Particularly as they've invited your kids as well. Inviting you to the first bit and not the middle could be taken as a bit weird, but could also have come from a place of 'well we've got the space so we may as well invite everyone but understand lots of people won't want to hang around for hours so will probably say no.'
You felt as though you 'had' to come to every part they invited you to but, tbh, I doubt they really care that much one way or another.

In simple terms, you are according a lot of weight to their feelings that they probably didn't accord to yours!

I would just message and say 'So sorry, something has come up and we can't make it to the first part of the wedding now, have a lovely time, looking forward to seeing you in the evening.'
I've never heard of the original ceremony part being costed by person, only the following meal, so it's not as if they'll lose out financially if you don't attend.

Because the wedding breakfast traditionally is a time for speeches and toasts and sit down meals plus drinks will range nowadays from £40-£200 per head and in most venues ( even assuming money no object) still have a catering limit - whereas a buffet can fit way more people and is much cheaper per head. I don’t honestly believe most wedding guests, unless hugely self- entitled, would prefer a couple to skip the sit down event and cut the do short by morphing the morning and afternoon simply so everyone can join in the lot. ( in answer to this , not the original post )

You’re overreacting, if there’s a hundred people in the same boat as you, you can all go somewhere for drink and bitch about it… make new friends and all turn up drunk to the evening do and make fools of yourself.

Want a couple to not be so self-entitled that they actually host their guests rather than being shockingly rude to a large number of them in order to save money?

Yes, I absolutely would.

If the couple can’t afford to treat all their guests the same, they need to reduce the number of guests or alter the nature of the hospitality offered. If that means no sit down event, so be it.

Any chance the wedding is the same day as ladies day at Leicester racecourse?

Otherwise, take the opportunity to have a bloody good curry

Exactly this. I always assumed if you were invited to the church then you went to the reception. The evening do is for all and sundry. To ask you to get all dressed up for the church then do one for five hours is just cf-ery.

I’d just go to the night do, but appreciate if you’ve said yes it might be too late now.

Bad form and poor etiquette by them to invite you to the ceremony but not the afternoon reception - that’s not how it’s done and is unfair to guests.

I wouldn’t go in full wedding finery for the ceremony if you’re not going to the afternoon reception. Wear smart/casual clothes with a tie for DH and jackets you can leave in the car, and sit near the back. Then that way in the afternoon you can go on an outing nearby (sightseeing, local museum, National Trust place, theatre matinee) then get to your hotel room and put on your party clothes and go to the night do. That way you’ve been able to use the afternoon to do something nice and aren’t restricted by your clothing.

I'd go to one or the other. See them get married and have a family weekend, or miss the ceremony and enjoy the party.

Years ago a work colleague invited me and a plus one to her wedding ceremony and to the evening do -in Somerset- I was in London.
Cost of travel, present and at least one night in a hotel for that?
didn’t attend and she was very arsey with me like wtf?
When it comes to weddings some people don’t see beyond the end of their nose

I only had 20 people at the meal and speeches of my wedding. We just explained we couldn't afford to have all my cousins and friends there.

Evening do... No idea how many came. We provided a free bar and free food but with a BYOB attitude. Anyone was invited. It was an amazing evening with loads of surprise guests who wanted to wish us well. We did cut the cake at our Evening Do.

We did give evening invitations which included details of the ceremony and all we're welcome to attend that too. The church was packed full of friends and family and well-wishers. Some people came to both, some only came to the Wedding or to the Evening Do.

Most understood and just went and did something else for six hours. I think my cousins went out for a lunch together. Same with some of my friends. Other guests just chilled out or had siestas. I don't know why people feel so hard done by if they get this type of invite.

Well it’s been explained multiple times in this thread.

You may not agree with why people feel hard done by but I’m afraid I don’t believe you don’t know why.

You wanted a meal and speeches you couldn’t afford for everyone and that mattered more to you than actually hosting your guests. Your choice.

Sounds like it was a fabulous event. I've been to a few similar weddings.

I'm so glad you had a packed out church. It seems you've got a lot of friends who wanted to wish you well and were more than happy to celebrate with you for the ceremony and then have a ball at the evening do.

I recall this situation with a few weddings when I was growing up, but they were all local weddings so we could go home in between. I wouldn't pay all the travel and hotel costs to do this. Possibly I would just go for the evening, but not the 5-6 hour break in the middle

No... I just didn't want my family to pay stupid sums of money. I could have spent tens of thousands on having people at my sit-down Wedding Breakfast. That doesn't make me a bad host. And I don't have those sorts of friends...

Like I said, your choice to prioritise the money over your guests. I just don’t understand why you are claiming not to know why people feel hard done by when it’s been explained multiple times by multiple people in this thread alone.

You obviously think what you did is fine, so why the pretence?

Why didnt you only accept the evening bit?

Forget the church/ceremony....its not convenient

Do you genuinely think they’d want their mums close friend and her plus 3 within the top 50 of their friends and family?

I’m not a massively social person but I could fill 50 with close family and 5 friends when including spouses and kids.

Just go back and apologise that you can’t make the morning but will be there in the evening.

Honestly I wouldn’t ever consider inviting my parents friends, that’s not to be unkind, but it’s not their parents wedding.

Go to the ceremony then piss off home.