DD leaving her baby with me

[CustardCreamsfortea]

My DD is 17 and had her baby (dgs) just before Christmas. Unplanned pregnancy and her then boyfriend (dgs's dad) wanted nothing to do with them both. She only found out that she was pregnant 7 weeks before dgs was born.

The first few weeks was fine and with support from myself and her older sister, she was looking after him with no issues. The last month or so I think the novelty has worn off for her. She frequently goes out with her mates and leaves dgs with me without asking if it's ok. I've told her I don't mind babysitting if it's prearranged and I don't already have plans but several times now I've had plans and she's gone out without asking if I'll look after him. I've then either had to cancel my plans or take him with me. I try calling her to come home and she won't answer her phone or texts

I've tried sitting down and talking to her but it goes in one ear and out of the other. She says she'll stay at home more then doesn't. Last night she went about 3pm and didn't come back until early this morning. Didn't answer her phone in that time. So I was left looking after dgs all night.

How do I get her to step up and start looking after her son?

Put him up for adoption.

Tell her she'll have to move out as she's taking advantage. She needs to step up. Too easy to just leave you to it at home.

Wow

Contact social services and see what support there might be for her.

I'm not sure you can. You could something drastic like throw her out, but would she step up and grow up and look after him and herself properly?

She's obviously not ready to be a parent and you need to decide if you want to bring up another child.

What's she like with him the rest of the time? Is she in education?

It’s naive to think social services will be interested. If he WAS to be ‘put up for adoption’ then the first place they’d look to place him would be with the OP!

It sounds like she’s not adjusted to be a mum and no matter what your age it is a big adjustment. Really it comes down to whether you’re OK with it or not.

You sound incredibly naive to the situation, what plans did you and DD have in place for the arrival of a baby?

At 17 of course she's going to be wanting to go out but she obviously needs to adjust her expectations as to what you can do with a new born but maybe you do as well. Surely you knew that you would be very much involved with Co parenting your grandchild when your DD is 17?

You need to have a conversation with her.
Does she want him? If not, there is an alternative.

If she doesn’t ask you before she leaves, how are you realising? Are you discovering the baby in his cot later? If you ever popped out for the day unknowingly a few minutes after her, something awful could happen. If she can’t keep him safe I would involve social services

Either she wants to be a mother to her child or she doesn't, that's the logical place to start. But you are enabling her at the moment and that has to stop.

Helpful from the pp about adoption .

This is so hard OP, I feel you'd benefit from the advice of women who've been where you are, or those who were in your daughter's position I'm sure some will come along.

On one hand I feel she needs cut a little slack, what a terrible shock and bomb that's gone off in her life, to find she's so far pregnant at that age.

On the other hand I agree she needs to step up and leaving him with you in this way isn't ok. How are things between you just now? I can imagine you're a bit pissed off, and worried. It sounds like a warm and supportive but firm chat is needed - I'm sure you've done this - but working together to make a contract of how this will work. If she's able to say 'I feel I need more time away' and you're able to accommodate that, then it should be possible to come up with a routine that you all get what you need. But you also need to be able to draw your boundaries around how much is ok, and clearly being left without being asked is not ok. You could go nuclear option and say you'll withdraw all babysitting until she handles it more responsibly- but only you know your daughter and yourself, and what approach may suit best.

I agree with getting some outside help, she has slipped into not seeing herself as the primary carer for her son, and not seeing herself as fully responsible for him. And he's still so young.

What are her future plans for study or working? Does she have any?

Can you speak to the health visitor, Home Start, other charities aimed at teenage mums?

This is really difficult. Ultimately she is not ready to be a mum like most 17 year olds. I think you need to decide if you're happy to raise another child. The poster suggesting adoption may have been a little blunt but realistically it is an option if you are not wanting to. I sympathise, I wouldn't want to raise another child either.

Yes you need to have a more robust conversation with her. Sometimes we have to say things many times before we get someone to see sense.

Tell her she is not to leave her baby unattended, it's a safeguarding issue, and if she does leave her unattended you'll report her to social services. Unattended means leaving her in your care when you have specifically stated you won't be looking after her.

And do it.

Had to do this to an ex boyfriend once, years ago. Cheeky cunt used to fuck off to work and leave me with his kids lol. SS only had to speak to him once though.

She is 17 and doesn't want to be a Mum by the sounds of it and while she has you she doesn't have to. Unfortunately the father DOES have the option and has taken it
Your options are limited OP, you need to get very tough and hope it works but I don't think it will so you may have to parent the baby yourself OR it will go into care

How incredibly insensitive and short sighted. I hope you are simply having a bad day and not usually like this.

This made me laugh and now I feel like an awful person.

Thanks.

🤯

Social services generally know what groups, support and services are out there. Ime they are better than the GP at knowing what services and groups etc someone can find.

Social worker here - it would be appropriate to contact children's services, it isn't ok and could potentially become more difficult, particularly if she retreats further from her child and the relationship between you sours.
It would be far better to do some work together now than leave it to become a crisis. Baby won't be removed, it is an opportunity for someone to talk to mum about her mental health and wellbeing and your realistic ability to care for GC and reach an agreement together. There's a lot of space between right now and mum saying she can't care for baby but if that were to happen you will need the support of a social worker to get the ball rolling with court application for you if that is what you wanted.

Genius advice above.

And remember legally mum is also a child and therefore children's services will need to assess her as such.

Adoption may well be the best outcome for both mother and baby in this situation. Has your DD considered that as an option? Or was she just expecting you to co-parent with her not taking into account your own wishes and responsibilities?

JFC therapy time for you all OP.
She needs to work out what she wants that doesn't include you being the default parent.

Family therapy. And counselling for her individually too.

If you want to take control then it needs to be done legally.

Agreed.

I think if a serious sit down and chat re: her life changing permanently now and 3am clubbing isn’t on.

she is probably in shock both due to find out late and the fact she is so young and it’s such a responsibility.

it might also be worth finding some baby groups and helping her make friends who are mothers vs standard teenagers

Concurrent to that I would contact SS and see how they can help.