DD leaving her baby with me

[CustardCreamsfortea]

My DD is 17 and had her baby (dgs) just before Christmas. Unplanned pregnancy and her then boyfriend (dgs's dad) wanted nothing to do with them both. She only found out that she was pregnant 7 weeks before dgs was born.

The first few weeks was fine and with support from myself and her older sister, she was looking after him with no issues. The last month or so I think the novelty has worn off for her. She frequently goes out with her mates and leaves dgs with me without asking if it's ok. I've told her I don't mind babysitting if it's prearranged and I don't already have plans but several times now I've had plans and she's gone out without asking if I'll look after him. I've then either had to cancel my plans or take him with me. I try calling her to come home and she won't answer her phone or texts

I've tried sitting down and talking to her but it goes in one ear and out of the other. She says she'll stay at home more then doesn't. Last night she went about 3pm and didn't come back until early this morning. Didn't answer her phone in that time. So I was left looking after dgs all night.

How do I get her to step up and start looking after her son?

The only people I know in this situation, daughter left home with baby, SS got involved and Grandmother ended up adopting the child. Mother visits more now the child is much older, primary school age.

Is there a trusted family friend, auntie who could speak to her.
My other thought is has she got her contraception sorted now? Staying out late, I’d be wanting her to make sure she was covered to avoid another unwanted pregnancy.

If you went out for an appointment and she wanted to go out too are you confident she wouldn't just go anyway and leave baby alone?

JFC where the actual is the so called father in all this?
Not a hope id be leaving him off, and his parents.
This is also their problem to solve whether he likes it or not.
Your poor dd, whether she hid it or not, its a huge shock to her god love her. But there is a child her and his best interests need to be served, but also so do the 17 yr olds.
But not a hope in hell wld i let that little shitbag off without a fight, him or his parents.

Surely it's a better alternative to being neglected by his 'mother'.

You're joking aren't you?

People can't force grown men to be parents but you think with your aggressive attitude you'll force not only a 17 year old boy, but his family too? Good luck with that.

Jesus Christ, you can't say that!
I very rarely gasp out loud at MN (usually an inner eye roll) but this is a shocking thing to say!

It's not though. Nobody can make him do anything, and his parents have absolutely no obligations here.

She is neglecting her child. She does not arrange childcare and she is not contactable when away from him. I think you do need to speak with either her health visitor or social services and ask to be signposted to organisations that can help.

Look at it this way, if parents don't turn up to collect their child from school and are uncontactable, what do you think the school staff do. They don't leave the child alone and they don't take the child home with them, they call the police or SS so that authorities can check on the situation and help improve it.

I had my first baby a week after my 18th birthday. My mother lived an hour away, I lived in a nice flat with the father. There is no "of course" about wanting to go out, I was very close in age and loved being a mother and I had to go back to work earlier than I would have liked so time with my baby was precious. It never occurred to me or my mother that she would have to coparent my child. You are making some big assumptions.

This young woman isn't stepping up, maybe she just doesn't want to but there is no reason why the OP should have known this would happen.

And considering the OP can't make her own daughter step up I'm not sure how she is supposed to make the father do anything.

Why is she allowed to be out all night? I have a DD the same age and we have a curfew. Sounds like she needs some boundaries all round, particularly because she now has bigger responsibilities than most 17 year-olds.

I know the 'put him up for adoption' thing seems awfully harsh, and you said that wouldn't be happening, but have you truly considered that it may mean you becoming the baby's parent? Is this what you want from life?

Adoption is not necessarily a terrible thing. It could be what's best for everyone if mum wouldn't cope otherwise.

If you're happy to take the baby on if needed, then you may well be able to muddle along.

There are two children involved in this.

Your baby grandson, and your 17 year old daughter.

Please remember that they are both actually children.

Your daughter is navigating something that she is way too young for.

I would contact social services, not from a position of 'putting him up for adoption', but because you need help to support both of these children in the best possible way, and you can't do it all alone.

Just call and ask what support is available for teenage parents.

I just wouldn't do it. She needs to leave your home and take responsibility for herself and her child. lf.if she can't do that then the baby should be adopted. Otherwise you will be bringing up this child for the next 18 years.

I do think all options inc adoption should be open to be discussed.
Shes 17. She’s said she’s keeping him but has now realised how it is. Her own mum is saying he’s not being adopted. She must feel very boxed in. No decisions made in shock at 17 are irreversible.
Suppose actually that’s what she wants, to not be a mum and walk away like dad has. Who could she say that to.
Instead she’s neglecting him hoping he’ll be taken off her is one way of looking at her actions.

This is incredibly dangerous - what if you haven't realised that your dd has gone out, then the baby would be left home alone if you went out - obviuosly it'd not be your fault

Your dd needs to realise she is responsible for another human and can't just up and leave. If this is not what she wants then sitting down and talking about different options in a calm way would be the way to go

I was a little older at 19 when I had my first and had to move back home with a 6 month old due to relationship breakdown.

Mum and Dad used to babysit 1 night over the weekend, and 1 night in the week as long as baby was asleep before I went out.

I think you need to make clear boundaries of what you are willing to do and the fact she absolutely needs to step up. She has to take responsibility. Discuss options if that isn't what she wants i.e adoption, but I can guarantee that's not a route she wants to go down but you kind of need to show her your serious.

She needs to know that you will not be there to do everything, but will be there to support her.

Not telling you or not answering calls is just disrespectful.

I know its a lot, and she's young and didn't have a lot of time to prepare but she now has to deal with the consequence's of her actions.

Do you know the Dad's family? Would it be worth trying to get in contact with them, after all your DD didn't make that baby by herself.

He does need a secure home, maybe the OP is willing to be the parent figure in his life but if she doesn't want that what do you think should happen?

I have a friend who fosters children, she fostered a teenager who was pregnant and supported her through the pregnancy, the birth and the early days with baby. The young mother was quite clear with social services that she didn't want to be a mother. The agreement was my friend was her foster mother, she'd care for the baby when the mother was at school but she was not looking after baby when mum was home from school. Well she sneaked out, she was underage and she was drinking and having sex with boys but no one could stop her.

Two years later she aged out of foster care, the first thing she did was hand the baby over for adoption. The foster mother was offered him (poor child like an unwanted parcel) but she felt she was too old so a family was found for him. He was so traumatised that social services paid the foster mother to have him for a few hours two or three times a week so everyone didn't just disappear from his life overnight.

That child would have been so much better off if he'd been adopted the first time his mother said that was what she wanted. I hope he's doing well, he will be a teenager himself by now.

Definitely contact the children's services at your local council social services. You need to ensure that this child gets better start in life than she is giving him. If you don't want to take on the responsibility yourself possibly for the entire childhood then you need to get some professional input into this situation.

My cousin is a child from this sort of background—her biological mother was a teen, couldn’t cope, and gave her up for adoption when she was a few months old. My auntie had a hysterectomy, so couldn’t have babies of her own, and she and my uncle raised her well—my cousin is now a doctor and has 3 babies of her own.

Its not aggressiv and Im right.
These waster men need to be made to stepup.

It's harshly put but is a valid option. If his mother can't/won't care for him what should happen? Hopefully she will step up but if not all options need to be discussed.

This is a tough one. I think you need to have an open and honest conversation with your daughter regarding her willingness to parent her child. And you need to consider, if she is unwilling/unable to parent her child, if you are willing to. The options:
1/ She parents her child and asks for your time responsibly in advance
2/ She is unwilling/unable to parent her child and rather than see the child be taken into care, you are willing to take over the task
3/ She is unwilling / unable to parent her child, you are not willing to give up your later life to do so, so an alternative carer must be found.
The idea of her child going into care might shock her into actually parenting. Be clear that if she is unwilling to parent her child and you take over, you will do so officially and take over parental responsibility (if you are willing). She may jump at the chance or again, it might shock her into parenthood. At least then you will have the say on what does or does not happen re your grandchild that you are the primary carer for.
The child deserves a carer who is willing and able to do the task. If that cannot be your daughter then it cannot. I put no blame on that statement.
If she chooses 1/ to parent her child but then f off partying leaving the child with you without pre-arrangement, then yes I would indeed call SS saying she is abandoning the child as initial steps towards options 2 or 3. Her child deserves no less.

She is 17, didn't know she was pregnant, then had a baby a few weeks after she knew. She must be in an awful amount of shock.

OP I agree with others who've said to maybe ask social services what support there is for young mothers. It's possible that because she and the baby live with you, she has fallen off their radar. Also is there a Home Start near you?

www.home-start.org.uk/find-your-nearest-home-start