DD leaving her baby with me

[CustardCreamsfortea]

My DD is 17 and had her baby (dgs) just before Christmas. Unplanned pregnancy and her then boyfriend (dgs's dad) wanted nothing to do with them both. She only found out that she was pregnant 7 weeks before dgs was born.

The first few weeks was fine and with support from myself and her older sister, she was looking after him with no issues. The last month or so I think the novelty has worn off for her. She frequently goes out with her mates and leaves dgs with me without asking if it's ok. I've told her I don't mind babysitting if it's prearranged and I don't already have plans but several times now I've had plans and she's gone out without asking if I'll look after him. I've then either had to cancel my plans or take him with me. I try calling her to come home and she won't answer her phone or texts

I've tried sitting down and talking to her but it goes in one ear and out of the other. She says she'll stay at home more then doesn't. Last night she went about 3pm and didn't come back until early this morning. Didn't answer her phone in that time. So I was left looking after dgs all night.

How do I get her to step up and start looking after her son?

Yes exactly, she can go on the council list.

😃 At the last bit. I know of a woman who had a similar situation. Well firstly there bf had nowhere to have his kids whom he went to court to get access to. So he asked if he could have them at her flat, as she was due to be placed in permanent housing. And used to go off to work. A lot of men out there who are a disgrace.

Yes agree.

I don’t think you should shy away from adoption. The baby needs adequate and healthy parents NOW..far better to do it now than give him a bad start and so on..

she clearly doesn’t want to be a parent and as pp said she is being enabled. It’s all very sad for her BUT there is a baby being neglected by its birth mother

my first thoughts were it’s a ss issue if she is abandoning her baby..

it’s this or you take on the parenting op..

I agree.

Do you think she’d leave him home alone?
If she’s only going out because she knows you are there in house is you going out more/working extra an immediate short term solution but only if you are sure she wouldn’t abandon him.
Going out at 3pm is probably when mates finishing school/college. If you pre empt and go out at those times would it nip it in bud.

I really feel for you OP but I can’t help but feel so so sad for your daughter. To have your life completely turned upside down within a few months at such a young age. It’s not surprising she’s struggling.

I think you need to give her options; to parent or not parent. Not that you would necessarily pick up the parenting but there are other options. She must feel terribly trapped and what’s she telling you indirectly is that at least part of her doesn’t want to parent. If motherhood is what she chooses then she will need support to go through it, because there is no going around it.

This is what i thought. Although it doesn't solve things to stay put under the same roof as is currently the case. Moving out on her own, without anything sorted out, to me just screams of further issues or god forbid what to come if she was on her own.

I sympathise @CustardCreamsfortea

But tbh if my daughter had a baby at 17 without the baby's Dad helping, I would 100% be expecting to play a large role in raising that baby alongside their mother. I wouldn't personally want to involve social services but that is an option.

You are right, now just tell us how you plan to do it

That sounds good but would you be happy if DD just did whatever she wanted and expected you to pick up the (considerable) slack? Or do you expect it to be a joint venture between you and her?

As soon as you hear her getting ready to leave the house, get out of the front door before her. That way she is stuck in with the baby like you usually are. You don't need to be gone for long, just enough to teach her.
If she's staying out all night make sure you talk to her about how to prevent getting pregnant again.

I was thinking this too. I know of one person who hadn't been feeling right, went to doctor and they still amongst other checks done a pregnancy test, just to be sure, even though she had the implant or injection whichever it is.
And she was 6 mths pregnant or there abouts.
There are some who still get a normal period unless they didn't have those anyway. But yes, I do find it hard to believe how your body would not give signs.

Withdrawing babysitting for now seems the best option - while you are there taking care of everything she has no incentive to learn or bond with the baby. How is she generally could she have PND? Where is she going all day I'd be concerned at the sudden change of attitude that it's either depression or possibly a new boyfriend..if she's just out with friends surely she could take the baby or invite them round instead

Im sure you won’t like this, but actually you are a live in babysitter because your 17 year old daughter got pregnant and had a baby. She is legally still a child, mentally too. You are her mother and therefore she is your responsibility to care for her and, through association, this child.

Yes, you’d hope it might have been a one off call to collect her from the local police station after doing something silly rather than an unplanned pregnancy, but the fact remains it is still your job to ‘pick her up from the station’… you are going to have to ‘pick her up’ until she is ready to be the mum the child deserves and until her head is sorted and she can treat herself properly.

you chose to have a child and she has had an ‘accident’ and now you have to help her deal with the consequences. You don’t get to choose what happens to your child but you did sign up to help her. If they’re injured you sign up to push their wheelchair. If they’re not able to live independently you signed up to have them live with you forever. Just by having them, you sign up for the good and bad. Forever, not just while they’re tiny kids. In your daughter’s case, she had a baby as a teen and it IS your job to hold her hand and look after the baby while she’s not coping. This is literally what you signed up for - and this is literally what you are trying to make her recognise. You think she signed up to have a baby (through unprotect sex) and therefore she needs to put her own wants, needs and desires aside to care for him….well then do the same.

Expecting she’s just going to snap into place because she’s had a baby is unrealistic. And yes, you can tell her to move out and be a good mum but the likelihood is she’s going to make stupid mistakes and possibly neglect him, end up in a shitty flat and probably getting a shitty job and boyfriend. Or you can enable her without judgement to come round to this role while she deals with being a child whose friends don’t have any interest in a baby, whose body is changed, whose baby’s dad did a runner, whose hormones are everywhere, whose life has been turned on it’s head and whose family are watching their every move and who might look like she doesn’t give a shit but is actively avoiding her first child - she will never get this time back with him and one day she will regret that.

The more you do for her the more she will expect you to do. I had a baby at 16 and was kicked out the family home I'm in my twenties now so not the dark ages I learnt how to do everything myself.
I know others who's parents are constantly babysitting and it just encourages them now they expect their parents to babysit pretty much all the time. They'll never learn if you enable them 🤷🏻‍♀️

This is a very hard situation for you, @CustardCreamsfortea .

I see ladies like this in work fairly regularly. She is having a huge period of adjustment and some people cope better with that than others.

Various practical things I would do:

1. Set some extremely clear boundaries around baby safety. When you say she leaves him with you, I assume you're meaning that she just gives you very little notice, rather than that she'd actually walk out and leave him. If it's the former, then a firm boundaries conversation needs to happen. If it is the latter, then you need to call SS as (obviously) this isn't safe.

1. Speak to a referrer (mostly likely HV or GP) and ask for a referral to Early Help - they sit just before SS and require parental consent, but will be able to provide support local to you that will help mum. They will likely allocate your daughter a Family Support Worker who will be able to co-ordinate support.

1. Speak to a referrer (most likely HV or GP) and ask for a referral to your local Perinatal Mental Health Team. It doesn't sound like she'd meet their threshold at the moment (they are for women with moderate to severe MH issues), but they should triage and then even if they don't take her on, they can signpost to resources for support. Ask them for a referral to the Infant Mental Health Team - this team supports the mother/baby dyad, teaches parents about the importance of the first 1000days etc, and will provide lots of practical interventions like baby massage, VIG etc to support bond. Depending on the area, she may need to be under another MH team but this is definitely the best team for her circs so try to push that if you can.

1. Contact her HV (if you don't have their details, contact their duty line and go that way), and make them aware of the situation. Ask them to monitor baby's development and also to support mum, they might call these 'listening visits'. HVs are absolutely brilliant but completely snowed under so you will need to be relatively firm in asking for support and being clear why it is needed.

1. Look at community support. Homestart if they're local to you. Google 'young mum support' and your area - there will hopefully be baby groups and support networks, often run by organisations adjacent to Early Help. You need to be encouraging her to get out to something, with baby and without you, ideally every day but definitely every other day. Sitting in the house will kill her bond and enjoyment of him, but going out without him won't help either. Even if she then has time on her own, this needs to come after she's met his needs and bonded etc. Especially as you say she isn't in education or work atm, this is not a year to doss around and I'd be quite firm on that (easier said than done, I know).

1. I'd then try to support her free time with good grace and encouragement - if you can. Try to remove the argument from it so it doesn't become a push/pull situation.

This will get easier, but right now it must be really bloody hard. Thinking of you all. x

I would contact social service and get her an appointment with GP to the discuss her mental health. She may be referred to perinatal.

I'm adopted too! My birth mum was a similar age and couldn't cope ... I've had a great life with great parents.

At 17 I'm afraid I would be expecting her to behave pretty immaturely and selfishly and for me to picking up the considerable slack.

My own daughter was still very immature at 17 and only gradually became a sensible, reliable adult.

Great advice from @TheQuietestSpace!

Much better than the 5 stupid words from the first poster who responded.

I'd be more concerned about her getting pregnant again. She's doesn't sound mature at all. Is she keeping on top of contraception?

Very sorry you were kicked out of the family home at 16.

I could never have done that to my own daughter in teenage years.

I don't agree with. OP is not a live in baby sitter. Most 17 years do not behave in this manner. Whilst the OP is a young mum, she is not a 12 or thirteen year old. A lot of 17 year old parents are out on their own looking after their. Perhaps, she is suffering from postpartum.

No you can't but you also can't expect another person to be a mother to your baby. I wonder how many posters would be advocating this if the girl lived with her father and not her mother.