DD leaving her baby with me

[CustardCreamsfortea]

My DD is 17 and had her baby (dgs) just before Christmas. Unplanned pregnancy and her then boyfriend (dgs's dad) wanted nothing to do with them both. She only found out that she was pregnant 7 weeks before dgs was born.

The first few weeks was fine and with support from myself and her older sister, she was looking after him with no issues. The last month or so I think the novelty has worn off for her. She frequently goes out with her mates and leaves dgs with me without asking if it's ok. I've told her I don't mind babysitting if it's prearranged and I don't already have plans but several times now I've had plans and she's gone out without asking if I'll look after him. I've then either had to cancel my plans or take him with me. I try calling her to come home and she won't answer her phone or texts

I've tried sitting down and talking to her but it goes in one ear and out of the other. She says she'll stay at home more then doesn't. Last night she went about 3pm and didn't come back until early this morning. Didn't answer her phone in that time. So I was left looking after dgs all night.

How do I get her to step up and start looking after her son?

Ultimately its the baby best interested that need to be looked at and although it might be shocking - it's far better for the baby to be in a stable home.

Get her own place lol.
How easy is that at 17 with no money, oh wait a minute expect the council to help.🙄

This is an incredibly hard situation for all of you, not least the baby.

You daughter is now a mother, but also she is still a child herself - and from what I have read, is still acting like a stroppy teenager. I'm not saying this is right, but I do think it needs to be taken into account when figuring out how to deal with it.
As she ignored the pregnancy for 7 months, put her head in the sand hoping it would go away no doubt, I can imagine that she still has not comes to terms with it.
Yes she has a baby, she knows that fact - but I can imagine that she hasn't psychologically dealt with it. While I don't think throwing her and the baby out is the right thing, and I'm sure you don't want to do that, you do need to get a bit stricter on her.
Is there some kind of family therapy / counselling that you could all attend together?

She may be a Mum but she's acting like a child - where is she getting the money for all this going out? If it's from you, cut it off. Play her at her own game, and leave the house before her.

Who looks after the baby generally, are you/wider family taking over, offering constant advice or criticism resulting in her failing to bond with baby and feeling she isn't good enough? From personal experience little digs like oh, that top doesn't match the trousers when you're changing the baby for the 5th time that day can really dent your confidence when you're living in a 3 generation household.

What about the "waster" woman?

Why on earth not? Does the baby not deserve a loving home? I have friends who have adopted babies in similar circumstances and they are giving the children a wonderful life. Far better than being brought up by a mother who doesn't want them, or a grandmother who feels obliged. Don't be so quick to judge.

Where is she going when she goes out do you give her the money ?
How is she financially looking after her child ?
Do you want to be the parent of your grandchild as it sounds like your Dd expects you to be you need some boundaries putting in place and she needs to step up and get her priorities right

What is 'insensitive' about the suggestion of adoption? If the OP's DD is not, like many 17 year olds, willing to raise this child herself, and the OP isn't in a position to, then adoption is certainly an option that should be looked at for the welfare of the child. Yes, outcomes are generally better when the child remains within the birth family, but this baby has a mother who is still an irresponsible child herself, and who is dumping him on his grandmother, who has her own life that may not be able to encompass looking after a newborn. This, bluntly, is not an optimal environment for a baby.

Adoption is absolutely something to be discussed.

How bloody grim it is today.
All because people want to shag around.

I do sympathise OP.
Firstly your daughter has had a surprise baby whilst still a child. Her life has been upended and psychologically she seems unready. She needs contraception advice if this hasn’t happened already. What has happened to her education? Ideally she should go back to her education with you picking up the slack if you can. Some sort of shared care between you is ideal for the next few years but as you say she needs to understand the boundaries. At the same time, she needs to be able to live and have experience like her friends. I think you do need outside help. Social Services is a good place to start.
Presumably she isn’t breast feeding? I suppose I would be concerned that she is not bonding properly with her baby, so yes some sort of intervention would be useful .

This.

Some of the other responses are deranged.

my dd is the same age. It would be a horrific shock to have a baby. The baby is still so young. She must not know what’s hit her and is going out for some escape/sanity. She’ll need a massive amount of help and it’ll need to come from you.

I think the OP is being rather naive about all of this. If she doesn't want to end up raising the baby herself (and who the fuck can blame her) then I really do think adoption should at least be discussed. The 17 year old is basically a child herself who didn't know she was pregnant until the 11th hour. Of course she wants to do what her mates are doing and, with her own mum in situ, she's unlikely to "see the light" any time soon. I think the OP will be fighting a losing battle with this one and I can pretty much predict her future.

Kinda hard to not know you’re pregnant until 7+ months along. Are you sure she didn’t know earlier and just bury her head? Guess it’s irrelevant now.

If father isn’t showing any interest what about his parents? Do they know they have a grandchild and their son is refusing to have anything to do with him? Have they been given the opportunity to be involved?

Baby aside, why is a 17 year old going out and not coming back until early hours of the next day, ignoring all contact? She’s still a child.

You need to have some serious discussions with DD, reach out to SS for support and you need to consider (if things don’t get better) whether you are willing and able to raise him because your answer to that may determine what you do next.

Of course adoption was an option, but if she defo doesn’t want that (her choice, not yours op), then she needs to step up and parent. Help her parent yes, she’s still a child herself, but don’t facilitate her social life, she’s a mum now! Be less available op, only babysit if asked in advance, have a firm talk about her responsibilities. He is not your baby, he is hers and she needs to act like it. Defo access what you can to help too, counselling etc if appropriate.

He has grandparents and an an aunty willing to help out. "Put him up for adoption" is an extreme response - and not the advice that OP was looking for.
OP wants advice with how to get her DD engaged.

Agreed, she really needs the OP for support, whether the OP likes that or not

I would also be contacting parents of the dad. Just because he’s not interested they may be willing to help. Not aggressively with demands but seeing if they are interested in being involved. There may be another granny willing to help out while she finds her feet if she is wanting to keep the baby.

So what? I became a mum at 16 and never would of acted like this. She needs to grow up

As someone adopted, please don't so flippantly suggest this. Good grief.

Sad and difficult situation. That would have been my worst nightmare at that age, but I used protection, I know that can go wrong too. Plus we would have been scared of our father's reaction, something that was not a bad thing, because now that has been lost in society.

Sad again that once again the boy can just choose not to be involved.
They both had sex so both are responsible. It is however not fair when a pregnancy has been discovered late on.
Otherwise I'm thinking from the way things are, another option would have been chosen.

You will have to have a serious talk with your daughter about how things will go, going forward.
How is she generally with her baby?

Isn’t it just disgusting though that a man (or boy in this situation 😒) can just check out of taking on the responsibility of a child? It’s so sad that it will all fall on your daughter. Where are his parents in all this? I’d be absolutely disgusted if that was my child.

The baby HAS a loving home!
He has grandparents and an an aunty who love him (as I am sure his mother does really). "Put him up for adoption" is an extreme response - and not the advice that OP was looking for.
OP wants advice with how to get her DD engaged.

I don't think I am the one "judging" - I think the poster who flippantly said "put him up for adoption" without any other comment, context, or input is actually the one who is judging.

What a stupid comment. You can't put another person's child up for adoption. Good grief!

I’d also be having discussions around contraception and making damn sure she’s on some and taking it seriously. If shes already staying out all night again, the last thing any of you need is for this to happen again.

I agree with contacting social care and health visitor for support. She would probably benefit from speaking to someone outside the family and someone who can get her set up with support/ parenting groups aimed at young mums.

Also I would be thinking about PR. If the baby needed medical care and your dd has gone awol who would authorise that?