DD leaving her baby with me

[CustardCreamsfortea]

My DD is 17 and had her baby (dgs) just before Christmas. Unplanned pregnancy and her then boyfriend (dgs's dad) wanted nothing to do with them both. She only found out that she was pregnant 7 weeks before dgs was born.

The first few weeks was fine and with support from myself and her older sister, she was looking after him with no issues. The last month or so I think the novelty has worn off for her. She frequently goes out with her mates and leaves dgs with me without asking if it's ok. I've told her I don't mind babysitting if it's prearranged and I don't already have plans but several times now I've had plans and she's gone out without asking if I'll look after him. I've then either had to cancel my plans or take him with me. I try calling her to come home and she won't answer her phone or texts

I've tried sitting down and talking to her but it goes in one ear and out of the other. She says she'll stay at home more then doesn't. Last night she went about 3pm and didn't come back until early this morning. Didn't answer her phone in that time. So I was left looking after dgs all night.

How do I get her to step up and start looking after her son?

"My DD is 17 and had her baby (dgs) just before Christmas."

You need to re-read the OP @BettyBardMacDonald, baby was born just before Christmas, only found out she was pregnant 7 weeks before. The baby wasn't born 7 weeks before Christmas.

And to all those saying she must've known, it's not uncommon. Irregular periods, small bleeds/spotting throughout the pregnancy, good old fashioned denial...... It happens, I've seen it happen.

You say nothing about the needs of the baby while the mother is "finding herself". Every moment matters when you are a baby. Every interaction, every cuddle. You can't go back and get what you didn't get.

I recommend that people read "The Boy Who Was Raised as a Dog and Other Stories" by Bruce Perry about what happens if your birth mother isn't very interested or available.

Yes I agree it is an option but it’s a very extreme and last resort option.

@MarvellousMonsters

No, YOU need to re-read.

She claims the girl left school in September due to a pregnancy she supposedly was "unaware" of until early November.

I find it all far fetched.

Hardly anyone chooses adoption these days. What happens is that mothers who don't prioritise their baby's needs have their baby removed by social services and put up for adoption, and by the time social services act, it's usually too late. It happened to my friend's daughter. She wasn't deliberately harming her child but she was not giving the baby what it needed. This mum is going out without any due care for her baby and it's a slippery slope.

I very much agree, Arran2024, and it's why I mentioned that, among the cries of "support the mum", much less was being said about the needs of the child

For me at least they should come before all else, and if social services drag their feet and the family persuade theemselves that mum "really is turning a corner" while in reality they're just kicking the can down the road, an awful lot of lasting damage can be done

Her mum is there to support her though I doubt OP will allow this to happen she’s already said adoption is not an option she literally just asked for some advice on how to help her daughter step up! I know how it works better than anyone I’m adopted myself and my adopted mother has been a foster carer for 40 years been brought up my entire. Life around children in care and children going for adoption.

I'm an adopter and I know how kids are removed from "loving" mothers, with "loving" family - love isn't enough. Grandmother is happy to look after baby atm but what about later on? What if mum moves into a flat? What if a new boyfriend appears on the scene? I'm suggesting (in a previous post) that grandmother gets some advice about her rights.

I disagree finding out you are pregnant 7 weeks before birth is not really credible- being in denial is not the same as not realising. Having months to prepare would not necessarily help, many 17 year olds would not be able to come to terms with this even with plenty of time to think and plan.
People are suggesting adoption because there is really no way to force her to "step up" as the OP puts it- she needs to accept it is very likely that that isn't going to happen. Saying adoption isn't an option simply isn't true- the child's mother doesn't want to look after the baby, and neither does the OP, what other practical options which put the child first are there?

I don't have other anything to add to the advice that's already been posted but just wanted to add that you sound like a good mum and your daughter is lucky to have you.
I had pregnancy scare at 17 and I know my parents would have either kicked me out or made me put the child up for adoption. I hope you can find a solution and your daughter steps up to be a mum. It must be extremely hard for you both.

A couple of thoughts.
Being the mum of a cute baby that you don't have to pay for and you don't have to look after whenever you CBA sounds quite appealing, so don't be surprised if she has another baby in a year or two. If that happens, can you cope with another, or will that one have to be put up for adoption. What you are doing is enabling your DD, and I suspect this is the hallmark of your parenting. Bending over backwards to make life easy for your DD, who just walks all over you, and the result is a feckless lazy, irresponsible young woman. How are you going to change to make sure this changes?
Your dgc is the prime age to be adopted and there are many much more suitable, vetted, motivated responsible adopters out there desperate to adopt a small baby. Think carefully about what is actually best for your grandchild, before this window of time closes.

Well said, @BigSilly

I don't think it will take even a year.

This situation didn't occur in a vacuum. It's the result of how the girl was reared.

She needs to make sure the father pays child support.