DD leaving her baby with me

[CustardCreamsfortea]

My DD is 17 and had her baby (dgs) just before Christmas. Unplanned pregnancy and her then boyfriend (dgs's dad) wanted nothing to do with them both. She only found out that she was pregnant 7 weeks before dgs was born.

The first few weeks was fine and with support from myself and her older sister, she was looking after him with no issues. The last month or so I think the novelty has worn off for her. She frequently goes out with her mates and leaves dgs with me without asking if it's ok. I've told her I don't mind babysitting if it's prearranged and I don't already have plans but several times now I've had plans and she's gone out without asking if I'll look after him. I've then either had to cancel my plans or take him with me. I try calling her to come home and she won't answer her phone or texts

I've tried sitting down and talking to her but it goes in one ear and out of the other. She says she'll stay at home more then doesn't. Last night she went about 3pm and didn't come back until early this morning. Didn't answer her phone in that time. So I was left looking after dgs all night.

How do I get her to step up and start looking after her son?

Horrible comment - ugh.

As you said she left college, is she at home during the day with the baby, everyday?
Is she providing good, safe care for him when she is with him?

If she looks after him well, but is craving space I would look in to some college courses that she could potentially pick up now and not just wait for September, which is a long time away really. If you approach your local college, they may be able to work with you to offer her something now. It's not uncommon for mid year starts depending on the course.

Childcare can either come from family or she will be entitled to free childcare until she is 19. The government scheme for this is care to learn.

As another poster suggested, you could organise a set evening or two a week where you will babysit him in the evening.

Providing structured child free time and a way for her to be around other teens like at college may make some positive differences if she is otherwise a good mum and keen to keep and raise her baby.

She definitely needs form boundaries about not leaving him without prior arrangement and a sturdy contraceptive.

Contact the HV for any groups/support aimed at young parents.

If she just isn't interested in her baby or wanting to raise him at all, then there may be some more serious conversations to be had about what the future holds.

I had my daughter when I was 16 (was pregnant at 15). But I had nine months to prepare mentally and was very stubborn about caring for her myself. However, my mum was an amazing support in that she took care of the housework so that my only real 'job' in the house was my baby and encouraged me to continue with GCSEs, 6th form, Uni etc. with my peers. Having child free time even just to attend 6th form really kept me in touch with friends of my own age, even if I couldn't go out in the evenings with them it. I moved out with my daughter when I started university. We're very close and she's a young adult now, she is also incredibly close to her grandma.

Wishing you all the best OP.

It must have been such a shock to you all.
I would continue to give lots of support but have honest up front conversations about how much child care you can give and how much notice she needs to give etc.
Her head must be all over the place with such a massive unplanned life change at such a young age. Watch out for postnatal depression.
Encourage her to assess her health visitor for support services or if necessary social services.

Yet another ‘oh I want to keep the baby’ oh her body her choice and yet when reality hits ‘mother’ wants to behave like a selfish spoilt child.
Social services need to be involved. She is way too immature to be a mother and is clueless of she thinks you should be bringing HER child up.
Not a dig on you OP. Sorry but old enough to have sex, old enough to sort your contraception and deal with the consequences.
What a disgrace to the young mothers who actually turn it round and do a really good job

@Fadeintoyou

Obviously OP and her daughter didn't have much time to plan anything.

Nope it’s the truth. She needs to grow up and live with the consequences. Plenty of people have a baby by accident 17 and younger but don’t behave like OPs daughter. They appreciate the support from their own parents and try to raise the accident baby as best they can. She is lucky she has such a supportive mother like OP. 17 years old is old enough to understand she is being a brat. She clearly felt grown up enough to do the deed.

This. Contact social care.

You need to stop being so gentle. She very likely had more than seven weeks notice on this. It’s incredibly rare for a woman to continue to menstruate through a pregnancy. She likely chose to ignore it because she was scared.

now she is ignoring the fact that her childhood is over. So are you. Your babysitting time should be facilitating her essential activities not clubbing.

she needs to make an honest assessment on her commitment to motherhood. If she isn’t going to step up, then her childhood deserves to have a parent who is going to do the job. The child deserves to be forming attachments to a parent who will be there doing the work.

I would talk to her and if she disappears again I would call social services. She needs help. Therapy would be ideal, but with an unexpected baby in the household, paying for quick access may be difficult.

The way you put it was unnecessarily crude and horrible. Probably why your post got deleted.

Sometimes the truth sucks doesn’t it?

He's not being "put up for adoption" 🙄

Because you want him still as your grandson?

I really feel for your dd because she didn't plan this, didn't (apparently) find out until it was too late to make other decisions or choices.

So did she choose to go ahead with keeping her baby with support?

She has had a big major thing thrown into her life, and she is not yet 18, not an adult, so you are parent to her and all that she brings to your door.

Did she have a clear understanding of what parenthood would mean? It's a big thing for a 17 year old not to go out etc.

I do think talking to her very seriously is necessary, and irrespective of your own feelings about your Dgs ask her whether she might re-think adoption - she needs to understand that choosing to take responsibility for being a parent means just that, taking responsibility. If she feels she can't do that at this stage in her life, then there is no blame in saying so. In many ways it would be a brave decision. If she does not want to take adequate responsibility, AND you are unwilling or unable to pick up the gap in the level of responsibility she is prepared to show .

Maybe a clear timetable and agreed number of evenings?

If she is adamant that adoption is not an option then she needs to stick to her resolve and make proper arrangements for her less frequent nights out!

Op has clearly been very supportive but I do think she needs to speak to someone a little more removed and/or a professional asap.
I’m thinking of someone I knew years ago ago who said she only found out pg later on 6 ish months. Her mum was very supportive - we don’t give babies away in this family (I vividly remember her saying that), bought lots of stuff from mother care, her nana got her a pram and cot. I was young and can remember feeling sorry for her, she was truly boxed in. There was no way she could have said to her family actually this isn’t for me I don’t want to parent. Instead her mum pretty much unofficially raised baby.

Good for you.

Im also adopted by an outwardly respectable couple. The male was a functioning alcoholic at the time of the adoption and an outright drunk by my mid teens and the female was an abuser of prescription medication - mainly painkillers but some benzodiazepines thrown in for good measure. I pretty much parented myself from the age of 13 and looked after them too.

Anecdotes (yours or mine) aren’t data but what is indisputable is that if @CustardCreamsfortea does not want an interfamily adoption and encourages her DD to relinquish the child she will have no say in vetting who takes him. And he will also spend around 10 months minimum in foster care (possibly more than one placement) before placed for permanent adoption and she won’t have any say in who they are either. It may be the best option for this poor child but it’s by no means an excellent start in life for him.

Could you agree on a regular night where you will always babysit and she can always go out? Like every Friday night or something. Then the rest of the time she has to look after her own child.

Unless you are willing to adopt the baby then you need to have the conversation that she either accepts her new reality as a mum or she puts child up for adoption.

does she have post natal depression

the father still needs to pay for his kid once he is in a job if still studying himself. It’s not an option to just walk away.

do the paternal grandparents want to be involved with their grandchild as they may be an additional support for childcare

Do you find you’re not often asked for advice? Or do you behave differently on here than you would in real life?

Sounds like a tough situation. I was pregnant at 18 and gave birth just after turning 19. I lived at home but very much parented like any other mum and took it in my stride (although was always grateful whenever famiky happily offered to help). I moved out a year later.

However, I found out about the pregnancy much earlier than your DD so it was an informed decision to carry on with it and have my baby. Being unknowingly pregnant with an unplanned baby then finding out when a) it’s way too late to even explore choices and b) so late on that you’ve suddenly got to adjust to having a baby in a matter of weeks must be really traumatic for a lot of people, let alone a teenager. Then add in the fact the other parent just decides to take zero responsibility and abandon the mum and his unborn child.. I really do feel for your DD. Yes I agree with PPs that she should have been more responsible BUT her whole set of circumstances are still pretty unlucky and it must be so so tough for all of you.

I would speak to her about how she’s feeling, what her plans are for the future and maybe lay down some boundaries about when and how often you will babysit and help out. She still needs to understand that simply leaving and going out isn’t on.

I think you forgot to read the OP properly, I can’t think you’d give such patronising advice if you had.

This might be the reality. Is there any chance you would adopt the baby if it came to it? What a crazy situation but at least the baby has you there. Your DD has to step up but if she doesn't, is that a viable plan B?

Surely at 17, baby or not, you can tell her when she can and can’t go out? I’m curious that she just says she is going out. My eldest doesn’t do that. She asks if she can go and that will continue until she finishes school. If I say no she stays at home.

so when your daughter says she’s going out, surely you just say - no she isn’t?

What would you like it to look like?

Sometimes getting professionals in is helpful in terms of people/adult children understanding their responsibilities. She may need some support to come to terms with what has happened to her. Does she have any support from the health visitor? I know that's a lottery! I would actually ring the HV first and share your concerns rather than going straight to children's services.

I suspect it will take her moving out to do that.

This is the best answer here.

I was a mum at 16. I needed support and I don't think adoption or kicking me out would have helped. Once I got support I was fine and moved out 18mths later and settled down x

Totally agree. Seventeen is really young and whilst we can all say the daughter is at fault, there but for the grace of God...
She needs effective support. Chucking her out won't help.

Yes I agree I would be so disappointed in my son for this.