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Original poster

DD leaving her baby with me

488 replies

CustardCreamsfortea · 06/03/2025 13:11

My DD is 17 and had her baby (dgs) just before Christmas. Unplanned pregnancy and her then boyfriend (dgs's dad) wanted nothing to do with them both. She only found out that she was pregnant 7 weeks before dgs was born.

The first few weeks was fine and with support from myself and her older sister, she was looking after him with no issues. The last month or so I think the novelty has worn off for her. She frequently goes out with her mates and leaves dgs with me without asking if it's ok. I've told her I don't mind babysitting if it's prearranged and I don't already have plans but several times now I've had plans and she's gone out without asking if I'll look after him. I've then either had to cancel my plans or take him with me. I try calling her to come home and she won't answer her phone or texts

I've tried sitting down and talking to her but it goes in one ear and out of the other. She says she'll stay at home more then doesn't. Last night she went about 3pm and didn't come back until early this morning. Didn't answer her phone in that time. So I was left looking after dgs all night.

How do I get her to step up and start looking after her son?

OP posts:
Motomum23 · 06/03/2025 13:26

There's steps I would personally take. For example telling her you will only care for the baby between x and y 3 times a week - and its her responsibility to arrange paid childcare at all other times. Find the details of a local childcare professional and tell her the price per hour.
You could book a holiday away for a few weeks and she'll have tp deal with it
You are her safety net - she knows you won't let the baby come to harm.

viques · 06/03/2025 13:27

She needs to have somewhere to live that is supportive, but that also expects her to live up to her responsibilities. Sadly that isn’t going to happen while she lives under your roof. You need to contact child services locally and see if any suitable places exist in your area.

Bourbonbonbon · 06/03/2025 13:27

This is no longer a parenting issue. This is about what is best for that baby. She's clearly not ready to be a mum. So either you step up and be mum or she acknowledges her baby needs to be with an approved adoptive family. And please be honest with SS about her behaviour. Do not let her move out with the baby.

theressomanytinafeysicouldbe · 06/03/2025 13:27

Is had a very big shock finding out pregnant at 17 and then boom 7 weeks later, baby.

Could she possibly have post natal depression?

Contact social services and they will be able to advise and help

MadeForThis · 06/03/2025 13:27

She's still a child and only had a few weeks to process the fact that she was having a baby. Give her time and support. Her whole world has changed.

Cakeandusername · 06/03/2025 13:27

Do you know who HV is to make contact to see what support available.
I think you need to be frank either her about what your involvement is. You’ll babysit if pre arranged but he’s her baby. If she walks off without arranging a sitter and doesn’t answer phone she’s neglecting him.
She may feel by not giving him up at birth to adoption she’s all out of options.
If she doesn’t want to be a parent then that option is still there to her. Even voicing that may reassure her she’s not trapped.

PragmaticIsh · 06/03/2025 13:28

There must be some charities who specialise in working with young parents, who could offer her more support. It sounds as though she's had a shock, and isn't coping with the reality of such an upheaval. Understandably! Really tough for you too OP.

It sounds like some counselling for her, and you and her perhaps as well, might be a good idea.

pinkyredrose · 06/03/2025 13:28

She needs to get her own place and find some responsibility.

Original poster
CustardCreamsfortea · 06/03/2025 13:29

He's not being "put up for adoption" 🙄

She started college in September (having left school in the Summer) and found out she was expecting a few weeks into the course. So she left and says she wants to start again this September and put Dgs into the onsite nursery whilst she's there.

I have tried to talk to her and use the "softly, softly" approach but it obviously hasn't worked. I think a pp's suggestion of withdrawing babysitting services until she steps up is potentially a way forward.

I've always said I'll support her and dgs but I'm not a live in babysitter and I don't expect her to treat me like one.

OP posts:
Cakeandusername · 06/03/2025 13:30

Was she in school or college when she had him? Their pastoral may be able to signpost to appropriate support.

Mischance · 06/03/2025 13:30

This is not a viable situation. Your DD is assuming that she can live at home and that you will be the default parent to her child whilst she gets on with being a carefree 17 year old. She is basically behaving as though she has a baby brother.

Well that simply is not how it is or can be.

You need to spell it out to her - either she steps up and parents her own child or she will have to move out and manage on her own with her baby. No ifs, no buts, no middle way.

Tell her you are happy to contact social services to get their advice on sources of support for teenage Mums, but that you are not going to allow the current situation to continue.

FreeloaderWithAnAdBlocker · 06/03/2025 13:31

She’s 17. She’s gone through an unplanned pregnancy with just 7 weeks to get her head around the fact she’d be a mum, and also went through a breakup; remember how devastating those are at 17 without the added pregnancy/baby stuff on top of it?

That’s a lot of really traumatic stuff. Yes, she absolutely has to step up here and be a mum, but maternal bond and instinct isn’t a switch that’s flipped the moment the baby comes out.

I’d encourage her to look for therapy. Both for her to understand her own feeling about the past few months, but also to help her see the reality of her situation and understand the impact of her actions on her baby and family.

Best of luck, OP, it sounds like a really stressful situation for all of you.

2024onwardsandup · 06/03/2025 13:32

PullTheBricksDown · 06/03/2025 13:14

Tell her she'll have to move out as she's taking advantage. She needs to step up. Too easy to just leave you to it at home.

SHE IS SEVENTEEN

Gundogday · 06/03/2025 13:33

I’m fairly sure she knew more than seven weeks before the baby was due! Maybe that’s when she told you.

I guess it’s a big shock to her. Had she admitted to the pregnancy earlier, maybe she could have prepared better.

it sounds like you’ve already had chats about responsibility, and she’s not listening.

Mrsttcno1 · 06/03/2025 13:34

The simplest strategy for now is to stop being available. If she’s simply going out and not coming back then I assume you were looking after the baby when she left, so stop doing that. When she says she’s going out, pass her the baby and ask if she needs help getting a bag sorted for him. Don’t be the dependable live in baby sitter.

Don’t get me wrong I can’t imagine how difficult it must be to face that kind of life change at 17- I’m in my 20’s with a 10 month old and even I found it a huge change, but she does need to face that change head on.

Cherrysoup · 06/03/2025 13:35

Bourbonbonbon · 06/03/2025 13:27

This is no longer a parenting issue. This is about what is best for that baby. She's clearly not ready to be a mum. So either you step up and be mum or she acknowledges her baby needs to be with an approved adoptive family. And please be honest with SS about her behaviour. Do not let her move out with the baby.

Far better put than the stark 'Put him up for adoption' but exactly the same sentiment and I totally agree. Trouble is, do you, OP, want this?

Yellowhammer09 · 06/03/2025 13:35

2024onwardsandup · 06/03/2025 13:32

SHE IS SEVENTEEN

Show quote history

So? Women have become mothers in their teenage years for millennia. It's nothing new.

Your daughter needs a mix of tough love and a lot of support, OP. There must be some charities or similar that can work with her. DGS is her son, not yours.

Do you have any contact with the father or his family at all? If my son abandoned his child he would never hear the end of it.

Edited to add: I quoted the wrong post. It was another one about her being a young mother.

LBFseBrom · 06/03/2025 13:35

Motomum23 · 06/03/2025 13:26

There's steps I would personally take. For example telling her you will only care for the baby between x and y 3 times a week - and its her responsibility to arrange paid childcare at all other times. Find the details of a local childcare professional and tell her the price per hour.
You could book a holiday away for a few weeks and she'll have tp deal with it
You are her safety net - she knows you won't let the baby come to harm.

I agree, you have to be clear and stick to it. Your daughter is fortunate that you babysit and she should not take advantage, however it's natural she wants to go out, she is only seventeen.

Put a planner up on the wall and any arrangements you make go on there. If there are none you can be flexible but she too has to be flexible.

I'm pretty sure it will all work out, op, you sound like a lovely mum/grandma.

Gundogday · 06/03/2025 13:36

Mischance · 06/03/2025 13:30

This is not a viable situation. Your DD is assuming that she can live at home and that you will be the default parent to her child whilst she gets on with being a carefree 17 year old. She is basically behaving as though she has a baby brother.

Well that simply is not how it is or can be.

You need to spell it out to her - either she steps up and parents her own child or she will have to move out and manage on her own with her baby. No ifs, no buts, no middle way.

Tell her you are happy to contact social services to get their advice on sources of support for teenage Mums, but that you are not going to allow the current situation to continue.

( whispers - Or the third option is adoption, if she’s not prepared to be a mum.)

I worry that if she moves out, the baby won’t be looked after, and she’ll still go clubbing. Or she won’t be able to look after herself and the baby. She’s not stepping up as an adult so I’m not sure moving out will instantly change this (unless in supported accomadation fur new young mums).

Mayhem01 · 06/03/2025 13:36

Is the baby always going to be safe? As in, if you go out and she wants to go out with her friends, what does she do? When she is on her own with the baby, does she look after him properly? If you can’t get hold of her and she is out all night, what if you have to go to work or do something important?

She is obviously relying on you to always be there but I am wondering if something could happen when you are not around. She is not acting like she is responsible for her baby.

I know someone who had a baby at 17 and they really struggled and carried on with their social life, almost ‘forgetting’/in denial that they had a baby.

Dodgyshoulder · 06/03/2025 13:37

MadeForThis · 06/03/2025 13:27

She's still a child and only had a few weeks to process the fact that she was having a baby. Give her time and support. Her whole world has changed.

100%. I had my first at 17 with no support from the dad but It was different as I made the choice to have my baby from the start and also had 9 months to prepare and get my head round that I wouldn’t be able to do things that my friends were doing. My mum made it clear I needed to move out to have my own space for me and baby. I was happy with this. I would contact social services for some help but I doubt they will do much.

I think you should sit her down and speak to her. She needs to understand that this is her baby and not yours. I’m guessing you don’t mind helping her when you can but she needs to be doing 90% or more of the childcare. Do you think she’s struggling to bond with the baby so avoiding spending time with him? Postpartum depression could be a factor.

soarklyknobs · 06/03/2025 13:37

You need to contact SS.

Your DD has been lucky you've been in the house each time she's walked out without the baby, but what if you weren't and neither of you realised the baby was left alone.

Does the family of the father know? Is he paying any maintenance? Can they offer any childcare?

ThejoyofNC · 06/03/2025 13:38

2024onwardsandup · 06/03/2025 13:32

SHE IS SEVENTEEN

Show quote history

So what? She's made her bed and she needs to lie in it instead of trying to push everything off onto her mother. The reality is that she has a baby and she can't just go out and disappear now.

PassingStranger · 06/03/2025 13:38

Make sure she using contraception otherwise she could end up with another.
Aren't the baby's family interested, the other grandparents etc.
Sad situation that could have easily been prevented...

Mayhem01 · 06/03/2025 13:39

If the baby is potentially not safe, you need to contact social services for support.