Gentle Parenting has failed, lets accept this.

[Zod666]

I read everyday about children's behaviour, even primary school age where they are out of control, don't fear or respect adults and this is all down to that loverly middle class BS known as 'Gentle Parenting'.

Let's just call this out for what it is, because it does not work. I have a friend who's 8 year old son does what he likes, is disrespectful, hits his mum and no amount of 'punishment' such as removal of electronic devices etc makes a blind bit of difference, he just does not care.

So how do we discipline children like this? is it really bad to give them a measured smack on the back of the legs/bum? Obviously there is a difference between a smack to correct a child and beating the hell out of them which is child abuse and should be prosecuted, and in England smacking is still legal.......

In years gone by their have always been kids that will go too far, and by this I mean the James Bulger killers who I think no amount of discipline would have changed their outcome in life, but for the majority of kids I feel we are failing them with this soft approach where there think they can do anything without repercussions.

AIBU?

No kids have always been violent and violence tends to breed violence- it normalises it

You have 1 child and a female one. Mums of 3 boys will likely have a radically different parenting experience to you.

Oh yes, there's no anger, aggression or violence from adults 30+ we're all happy and merry and never assault each other...

We were gentle parents , never had big behavioural issues with our kids. They are rounded , caring adults now. Most kids in jail were beaten and yelled at by their parents

I often wonder about the correlation between little girls who were smacked as children and women who accept violence from male partners…..

Just because something is legal (at the moment) it doesn't mean it's right. I think England is behind on this.

It was legal to hit children with a cane in school up until the mid-80s which seems madness now.

I can't get my head around how some people would think that hitting another adult is totally unacceptable but hitting a young child is.

Why are children the most violent they’ve ever been despite being the least likely to be smacked by parents? Can you explain it?

Would you hit an adult OP, or is it just children who you think should be abused?

Violence - and yes that is what you are suggesting - is always wrong.

I think smacking is the very definition of lazy parenting- CBA to do anything than just give your kid a tap when they don’t do what you want them to 🙄
Most people are horrified at the thought of a person smacking their (grown adult) partner because they’ve displeased them, so why does that scenario suddenly become okay just because one person is even younger and smaller?

I also think ‘gentle parenting’ becomes a pretty meaningless term in these discussions because it appears to have completely different definitions to different people. For some it means active and involved parenting with the absence of shouting and physical ‘discipline’ whilst others use it as blanket term for any kind of parenting where there are zero rules/boundaries/consequences and borderline negligence.

What missing is any alternative to smacking - excluding children from
Schools doesn't help - making them go elsewhere ( boot camp ) might be one option

All
Options cost money though and that's what's missing

Many children and families would be less bother if they had mental health help and support

You lost me at smacking. I am a very strict mum, I’m so firm with my boys and they respect me for it but as soon as you are violent you have lost control. In no other realm in life would we condone violence to change behaviour. I also despair of how many people implement gentle parenting and a lot of the behaviours I see in children today but smacking will not ever be the solution and you spoil your point by suggesting it could be

You know that there is a huge middle ground between permissive parenting with poor boundaries and physically abusive parenting.

Edit: I've phrased that badly - it's not a spectrum! There are lots of different ways to parent, not only 'gentle parenting' and 'smacking'.

If you do something I don't like, can I hit you?

It is not generally the children who are loved, nurtured, protected and encouraged by their parents, and whose needs are met, who are causing the biggest issues in schools, however they are parented.

Okay, so if a teacher smacked your child to "correct them" you'd be fine with that presumably?

Do you have children? Do you hit them?

I would hazard a guess there is more to it than that. Otherwise only kids who got smacked turn out well and those that didn't will be feral.

There will be toxic dynamics in the family that have nothing to do with smacking or not. It will be the way the parents talk to each other, how they talk to their children, how safe the children feel at home, how loved they feel, the lack of (or too strict) boundaries that were set and a number of other factors.

Smacking stopped decades ago in most schools and families

Kids violence is a relatively new thing
Alines with austerity and a overstretched social care system

It's frankly insulting to the parents of boys / multiples to suggest either of those things mean they must want to smack their children.

My parenting experience has not been without its challenges. DD going through an extended period of bedtime refusal after the sudden death of her dad during Covid was a pretty trying time to say the least. Unsurprisingly, my patience was near non-existent at times. But I still never wanted to be physically violent towards my child.

Obviously. It’s what you do to someone you can’t reason with.

Would you smack partner or friend? Why is it okay to do it to a child?

I'm so very sorry, that must have been unbelievably hard. Wishing you both well.

No, it’s realism.

Who, on a balance of probabilities, is easier to control? 1 girl by herself, or 3 boys together?

That is ONE parent though. One. No, you should never, ever hit/smack/slap, in any way physically discipline your child. It is lazy and pointless.

The world is a terrible place right now and who is running it? It isn't adults who were gentle parented as children, that's for sure. Perhaps if we work harder at gentle parenting (which is NOT just letting kids do whatever they want with no consequences), by the time the youngest generation has grown up there will be less selfish, violent, ugly behaviour and a bit more compassion.

When I was a school in the 80s and 90s the children behaving "badly" were almost always the ones from homes where parents were anything but gentle. I strongly suspect that is still the case.

This. Also, normalising abuse and carrying it into the next generation is a vv common response to being abused as a child. If ‘it’s not that bad / it’s normal / it’s just a different method of parenting’ the child doesn’t have to face up to what their parents have done.

I’m not necessarily blaming the generation that are currently grandparent age (at least the ones who smacked rather than using implements / causing serious injury) - they did the best they could with the knowledge they had. That doesn’t make assaulting your own child right.