Gentle Parenting has failed, lets accept this.

[Zod666]

I read everyday about children's behaviour, even primary school age where they are out of control, don't fear or respect adults and this is all down to that loverly middle class BS known as 'Gentle Parenting'.

Let's just call this out for what it is, because it does not work. I have a friend who's 8 year old son does what he likes, is disrespectful, hits his mum and no amount of 'punishment' such as removal of electronic devices etc makes a blind bit of difference, he just does not care.

So how do we discipline children like this? is it really bad to give them a measured smack on the back of the legs/bum? Obviously there is a difference between a smack to correct a child and beating the hell out of them which is child abuse and should be prosecuted, and in England smacking is still legal.......

In years gone by their have always been kids that will go too far, and by this I mean the James Bulger killers who I think no amount of discipline would have changed their outcome in life, but for the majority of kids I feel we are failing them with this soft approach where there think they can do anything without repercussions.

AIBU?

I wonder what kind of parenting the thug who threw a half hundred weight footstool down three stories onto pedestrians was enjoying?

My husband is unbelievably stubborn and often chooses to do things that drive me crazy. Yet I don't choose to hit him to make myself heard.

Why is it different with children?

When I say I don't believe in gentle parenting, it would be more accurate to say I haven't looked into it and it sounds like a fad like many others where parenting is concerned.

It’s one of only three countries in Europe where it is legal. Maybe think about that for a bit. Could it be that we have it wrong?
Is it okay to hit another vulnerable group? What about those with mental disabilities? Should we be allowed to give them a whack to keep them in line? If no, then why is it okay with children?

The only time I have ever come close to smacking my kids (NB I didn't smack them) was when they had driven me around the twist and I would have been whacking them out of pure rage (NB this only happened once or twice and I removed myself from the room to simmer down). I honestly can't imagine how guilty I would feel if I'd smacked them in that state of rage - and the idea of smacking them "in cold blood" seems even more insane. Hitting a child because I'd lost control... Yeah, I don't think that would solve parenting issues (and def not saying I have cracked parenting!!)

My mother used a wooden spoon my father a leather belt. It was wrong!!

Our boys knew from the start that they would lose privileges, my eldest said recently dad was strict. But we didn't smack them. This same son is now a strict daddy himself. But there's so much love there as well.

I'm bemused at this. I would not describe myself as a "gentle parent" but have not and hopefully never will smack my child.

Most parents, gentle or not, do not use violence towards their children, thank goodness - whether they have 1 child or 17.

Many adults with a severe learning disability or dementia can't be reasoned with. Do you advocate hitting them as well?

It clearly did affect you though because it normalised it for you and now you think smacking/ hurting a child is ok.

100% agree. If you can't out-think and out-manoeuvre a literal child and so have to resort to hitting them to get your way then you are a lazy parent.

I think many people, you included, misunderstand gentle parenting, and are using permissive/lazy parenting as your example.

Many people are too soft, and allow their children to do anything with impunity. Many believe that physically assaulting them is justified in certain situations.

The reality is boundaries, behaviour expectations, parental leadership, MUTUAL respect, leading by example, natural consequences etc are Gentle Parenting, and they work to raise decent humans.

I don't really know if theres a clear definition of "gentle parenting".

I've never hit my kids. I've shouted a handful of times and apologised later for that.

Tbh we are lucky to have well behaved kids who don't present a lot of challenges. But certainly we wouldn't tolerate rude or disruptive behaviour. But you can correct by removing them (younger) or telling them (older).

I don't believe in smacking children and never hit my three (who are now all older teens and young adults). But that didn't mean absence of discipline, they absolutely knew their boundaries and that when me or their dad said NO, we meant it.

I roll my eyes hugely at the style of parenting which sees a parent crouched down beside a child who has just behaved appallingly saying "Now Ophelia, I can see you are upset and angry. So let's talk about why you are feeling that way and how you can make choices to deal with this differently next time."

Nothing whatsoever to do with gentle parenting though is it?

Both me and my sister were smacked by my dad as kids (grew up in Eastern Europe). So pretty much all of my classmates.

Did not change a thing. Literally. The kids who were problematic remained problematic - stealing, running away, skipping school. No amount of punishment changed them.

What would have changed them is adults actually trying to learn why these kids behaved in the way they did and what other issues they were dealing with.

Hitting a child will make them afraid of you and hate you. Hit them hard and they probably hit you back when they old/ strong enough to do that.

There have been studies upon studies proving that hitting your kids doesn't improve behaviour and causes damage. There are no observed benefits. The debate is over and anyone still defending it is denying proven science.

The Bulger killers had terrible home lives. There is every chance that with a better start in life they'd have become entirely normal people.

I am not going to comment on your friend's 8 yo because I have no idea of what the circumstances are, but it doesn't sound like she's parenting effectively. Hitting him won't help.

My children are 5 and 15 and at no point have I felt any need at all to raise a hand to them, because we have robust strategies in place so it never gets to the point we lose control. They are both beautifully behaved.

I taught primary for several years and the worst behaved kids were the ones who got smacked at home. You don't teach a child to behave well, regulate their emotions, and be respectful by hitting them, it's setting a dreadful example.

I think you really have hit the nail on the head. You have said about electronic devices. The root of all behavioural issues!

@Zod666 "What I said was that despite the gentle parenting punishments she has tried it has made no difference, so what else does she try? she had read books on the subject and nothing works."

Because she probably didn't put appropriate consequences in place,not followed through, or held a firm boundary.

What situation led up to the child hitting her? It is incredibly unlikely they just wandered up and hit her. What has taking away a tablet got to do with physical violence... Was it the tablet causing the anger,and the child taking it out on the parent?

I think gentle parenting fails when parents don't also teach kids boundaries and to consider the impact their behaviour has on others around them. I grew up with parents who had the 'kids should be seen and not heard' approach with occassional smacking and I do think it's impacted my personality as an adult. For example, yes you can watch the Ipad in a restaurant whilst waiting for the food, but you do need to wear your headphones, as other people don't want to listen to Peppa pig at full volume.

It doesn't have to be any thing physical though does it? These days even saying 'No' or 'that's not a good idea' are considered mean!

I'm in my 40s. I, and many my age were raised with smacks to correct behaviour and we to leaned to fear adults.

Could it be that our parents didnt teach us how to parent? Maybe we grew up repressed and unable to set boundaries without fear? I don't want my children to be scared of me so I'm trying something different. Something I have no experience of.

Maybe we remember the misery, humiliation and despair of crying after a smack and our parents telling us "stop crying, it hurts me to do it more than it hurts you" (naybe because your instinct is screaming that you shouldnt hurt your children) or maybe we just know that fearing a parent is not the same as respecting them?

I hope I'm teaching my children respect. I think I am. We have boundaries that they sometimes push against but mostly adhere to.

FWIW. I see a hell of a lot of messed up adults my age.

Are they? Are they really?

Who gets to decide what "gentle parenting" is?

On this thread we have several people confidently proclaiming what gentle parenting is defined by, and they're all different. One says it's talking about feelings instead of giving punishments. One says it's about giving natural consequences instead of artificial ones. One says it's about being proactive. And so on and so on.

A slaps an assault.

Tell that to the thousands of school kids whacked every day by their violent classmates