Gentle Parenting has failed, lets accept this.

[Zod666]

I read everyday about children's behaviour, even primary school age where they are out of control, don't fear or respect adults and this is all down to that loverly middle class BS known as 'Gentle Parenting'.

Let's just call this out for what it is, because it does not work. I have a friend who's 8 year old son does what he likes, is disrespectful, hits his mum and no amount of 'punishment' such as removal of electronic devices etc makes a blind bit of difference, he just does not care.

So how do we discipline children like this? is it really bad to give them a measured smack on the back of the legs/bum? Obviously there is a difference between a smack to correct a child and beating the hell out of them which is child abuse and should be prosecuted, and in England smacking is still legal.......

In years gone by their have always been kids that will go too far, and by this I mean the James Bulger killers who I think no amount of discipline would have changed their outcome in life, but for the majority of kids I feel we are failing them with this soft approach where there think they can do anything without repercussions.

AIBU?

You can have firm boundaries and consistent consequences and high expectations of behaviour without smacking children. Smacking should be illegal (as it is where i am) but children should be expected to behave well and treat others with respect. Smacking is not the way to achieve this.

I am shocked by some of the behaviour I see from children and how ineffective their parents are. I have even see parents apologise to their children when their children have pushed them because they were in their children's way! Children refuse to leave a party or other fun activity and the parents spend ages flapping around trying to persuade them rather than counting to 3 and then picking them up and carrying them out.

Gentle parenting doesn't even deserve to be called parenting.

Why stop at hitting children? If I find your behaviour unacceptable, can I give you a good slap ?

I think gentle parenting has a bad name. I don't profess to follow it , but the basic tenets seem to be respecting your child as a person and explaining this rather than draconian "because I said so". Which doesn't sound too bad to me. Your friend e.g removing electronic devices doesnt sound like gentle parenting as I understand it, as that doesn't correspond to the behaviour.

I don't believe in smacking, they are smaller and weaker than me, why should this mean I get to hit them to get my way? Should my husband be able to smack me?

And yes mine are right in your stated age range (and one the stubbornest creature alive) - I've lost my temper and shouted or left the room clenching my teeth, but hitting seems a bridge too far. Surely there's a middle ground between letting them run wild and ruling by fear

I suggest you google spanking and discipline and look at some of the results. There is something deeply problematic about physical punishment - it's always humiliating for the recipent for a start, and humiliation is always damaging.

If the parents are arseholes the children usually follow suit.

unfortunately the uk society isnt invested in supporting families to get the ground work right when the kids are small. And these things then snowball.

you mr friends child has learnt how to get attention and be the boss through negative reinforcement. That’s not gentle parenting.

but hurting a child who is dependent on you because you can’t control your temper? Disgusting behaviour that will instruct them that you’re not a safe person, they’re not safe in your presence and they should imitate you with others to feel powerful.

as its said time and time again on here: you’re talking about the consequences of absent/bad parenting, not gentle parenting.

oh grow up ffs. You are exactly why this generation of kids are so messed up. Nowhere have I advocated assault. Tbh carry one with your blinkered ways and I bet any teacher will come on here and say this is exactly why kids make their job hell and have no respect today.

Totally agree... my Husband and I never hit our son (7) or his 2 older late teen children. Our home is full of laughter and silliness... however there is a healthy respect and discipline there with all 3.
Because we don't tolerate bad behaviour or rudeness.

My Friends children tell their teachers to shut up and scream in their faces. Mocking them.
My friend says they are obviously trying to communicate something is wrong at school..... I say if they were mine their world would get extremely small extremely quick.

A feel a good voice and stare is all that's needed absolutely no physical aggression. She says her kids are being kids, free expression and all that i say I refuse to be around them alone where i can't openly deny them to others!

I don't understand how hitting kids is meant to make them learn good behaviour. I think evidence is - and my own anecdotal from being a Gen-X - is it makes you avoid punishment.

But you probably come at this differently than me anyway as I don't particularly value obedience in adults or children. So training them to 'do as I say' isn't something I am looking for. I am looking for them to consider the impact on themselves and others of their behaviour and to learn good sense, judgement and empathy.

Rape within a marriage was also legal, does that mean it was OK until 1991 and only people who were raped after that should be upset?

Thankfully I live somewhere where smacking is totally illegal. England will follow Scotland and Wales soon enough, then what will you do?

You can't reason with them because their brains have not developed. Hitting them is not going to result in their brains suddenly developing, it will just result in them fearing being hit again. Try coming from a place of understanding. That doesn't mean poor behaviour is tolerated

I’m more a gentle parent with a 5 and 8 yr old and I could never imagining hitting them. With gentle parent you don’t need to reason with them, the rules aren’t up for debate. You need to explaint them but that doesn’t given changing your mind on them.

In my long career or working with children, I can hand on heart telling you that some of the worst behaved children are from homes where a "quick slap" is the norm. They're the children who don't learn how to manage emotions or deal with frustration constructively because they have learned that these are problems best solved by lashing out.

FFS permissive parenting and gentle parenting are NOT THE SAME THING.

In fact they are polar opposites in many ways. Permissive parenting is easy because you just passively take the path of least resistance every time.

Gentle parenting is extremely proactive and includes strict enforcement of boundaries.

Unsurprisingly they produce very different results.

So your solution for a child that hits, to teach them that hitting is wrong, is to… hit them back?

You don’t see the issue with that? Really?

It has affected you. You are stuck in a cycle of abuse. I don't think genuine gentle parenting is the cause for behavioir problems. It is because of lazy/abusive parenting and unsupported SEN due to funding cuts.

Just because your "friends" parenting has failed that doesn't mean gentle parenting can't work.

It's also a massive logical fallacy to suggest that just YOU were OK with it, beating children is an effective parenting technique.

Also you don't "reason" with a belligerent child. You parent them.

I have a 2 year old and teach 4-6 year olds. I've never, ever thought 'you just need a smack'. I also dont shout 🤔 and I don't believe that you cannot reason with some children. all children want to be liked and loved and want to be 'good'.

I think neither of you understand what people mean by gentle parenting.

I don't hit the several adults I know who are rude, disrespectful and poorly behaved so wouldn't smack a child. There's never a good reason to do so.

Very good point by previous poster about whether youre raising compliant children who will do what you, and by extension other authority figures want else be assaulted, or developing a sense of self and questioning children who defend themselves. The former is very useful in fascist societies, as is corporal violence. The latter better for humanity and thinking, compassionate societies everywhere!

Would you also be okay with a man giving his partner a smack on the back of the legs or bum if she ‘wouldn’t listen to reason’ and do what he wanted her to do?

If as adults we are required by law and our collective morals to never hit another adult unless it’s in self defence, how do you justify hitting a child much, much smaller than you who depends on you for their every need? It’s abuse, plain and simple.

Use your words, control your own feelings, and lead by example. There’s a whole big area of parenting between never saying no and hitting your children.

You are not being unreasonable ... the kids are in charge now.

I have never smacked my children (late teens)and they are very well behaved. Why would hitting them teach them that hitting is bad? It would be like telling child to stop fucking swearing.

If you’re ok about hitting your work colleague, a retail assistant, your dentist or the annoyingly loud passenger on the train, then yeah go ahead and hit a child.

No one should ever be hitting a child. You can discipline a child without using your significant size and power difference to frighten, physically intimidate, and harm them.

True gentle parenting is not permissive and holds strong boundaries. There are some great parts of gentle parenting, and it's lovely that we now recognise our children as people in their own right with emotions and wishes and thoughts.

There is also a place for authoritarian parenting. I don't think it should need a 10 minute discussion about feelings to get a child to put on their shoes. Children need to learn no, and that sometimes you do what you're told just because someone has asked you. It's an important lesson, and as adults we are all asked to do tasks we probably think are pointless at work!

I think a lot of people carry emotional wounds from their parents and overly authoritarian parenting where children weren't allowed to express feelings, and as a result, we've now gone too far the other way.

All kids are different and different scenarios require different methods of parenting. I don't think occasionally recieving a bollocking and being told no traumatises children. I always knew that if I disrespected a teacher, I'd have received a humongous telling off, and I knew that I'd have deserved it, because I was taught to respect others.

You can occasionally raise your voice or be a lot firmer, whilst still being gentle about it and comforting, exploring feelings, and repairing with your child when things are calmer imo 🤷 Shouting constantly is obviously wrong.