Gentle Parenting has failed, lets accept this.

[Zod666]

I read everyday about children's behaviour, even primary school age where they are out of control, don't fear or respect adults and this is all down to that loverly middle class BS known as 'Gentle Parenting'.

Let's just call this out for what it is, because it does not work. I have a friend who's 8 year old son does what he likes, is disrespectful, hits his mum and no amount of 'punishment' such as removal of electronic devices etc makes a blind bit of difference, he just does not care.

So how do we discipline children like this? is it really bad to give them a measured smack on the back of the legs/bum? Obviously there is a difference between a smack to correct a child and beating the hell out of them which is child abuse and should be prosecuted, and in England smacking is still legal.......

In years gone by their have always been kids that will go too far, and by this I mean the James Bulger killers who I think no amount of discipline would have changed their outcome in life, but for the majority of kids I feel we are failing them with this soft approach where there think they can do anything without repercussions.

AIBU?

I would dispute it not affecting you if you can so easily want to inflict pain and fear into those smaller and more defenseless than you.

And this response with the consistently dictatorial style and attitude ("Let's call it out for what it is!/Carry on with your blinkered ways") tells me everything I need to know about you OP and why I suspect your reading material is the Daily Fail.

You are that person and it's (a) not pretty and (b) not intelligent and (c) not worth engaging in debate with.

Why does it have to be one extreme or the other? There's somewhere in the middle between gentle parenting and smacking your child.

It's perfectly possible to raise a child who behaves well without smacking them. It also makes absolutely no sense to teach a child not to smack but then turn around and smack them.

That is not gentle parenting at all. It's getting really tiring to see so many people trash gentle parenting. This is just being walked all over by your kids. And it's not about no repercussion. I'd suggest you do a bit more research on what gentle parenting actually is

Remember, most of us 30 somethings that were raised amongst abuse know many peers that have committed suicide. Lots of DC we grew up with have been the victim of/commited domestic violence. We not all fine.

It’s not gentle parenting that’s the problem, it’s people leaving their kids to their rooms, to screens, not putting in time with them, in many cases because they can’t, because they’re wrecked, because we’ve all lost sight of what the priorities should be. Add in non stop sugar and food that’s bad for children, lack of fresh air, quality sitting down and chatting time etc. this isn’t a smacking or non smacking thing

Of course it works. She’s just not executing it correctly and consistently.

Physical punishment is an ABSOLUTE no-go, and should be made illegal in England asap.
All it does is teach kids that violence has a place in society and it absolutely does not.

Agreed. Parenting isn’t a binary choice between being a total sap and smacking your kids. You don’t have to do either to parent well!

YANBU. I have never smacked my kids but then I’ve never needed to. From the age of 1 they knew ‘NO’ in a loud scary mum voice, and known if they repeatedly piss me off there will be consequences. I don’t give them endless choices either - I decide what they wear, what we have for breakfast, and what we do that day. They have limited choice, it isn’t all me dictating to them, but I’m the parent and I’m very much in charge. As a result my kids are happy, confident and not at all anxious like half of them seem to be now.

All this ‘aww they’re too little to understand right from wrong, just distract them… why not let them be their true selves and choose what they wear?… I apologised for raising my voice because I would want the same if somebody shouted at me..’ is a load of nonsense and why kids are badly behaved now.

I was smacked on a few occasions as a child growing up in the 70s.

I have 2 dc who were never smacked. Disciplined but never physically chastised. I never needed to as my DH and I put in very clear boundaries and expectations from young. And consequences.

My DH and I have always been very involved, hands on parents. Many years were spent like ships in the night as we made sure that there was one of us around. No leaving dc to cry it out. Always at least one of us at every sports day, assembly, nativity, football match etc etc.

We are incredibly lucky that we were able to do this but it was bloody hard work. My dc are 14 and 17 now, well adjusted, great kids. Hard workers with good friends and good morals.

If gentle parenting means never saying No to a child then this is just flipping lazy. Our job as parents to teach our children to be decent people.

I do think that the rise of gentle parenting and the decrease in respect for authority had been a recipe for disaster. My dc were expected to say thank you to bus drivers, listen to teachers and behave themselves in restaurants. Is that too hard nowadays?

There’s a difference between gentle parenting and permissive parenting.

People seem to get very confused about what gentle parenting is and what it isn’t.

Gentle parenting does not mean there are no boundaries and you don’t stop behaviour that is unwanted.

Permissive parenting is letting children do whatever they want without any consequences.

There are “4 types” of parenting:

Permissive, Authoritative, Neglectful and Authoritarian.

Gentle parenting is Authoritative.

• Solves problems together with child
• Sets clear rules and expectations
• Open communication and natural consequences

Permissive parenting:

• Child-driven
• Rarely gives or enforces rules
• Overindulges child to avoid conflict

Hopefully this helps to explain that gentle parenting is not what you think it is and what the media/news articles like to show.

Of COURSE it's really bad to give them a smack. All you teach this is to hit when you're unhappy about something? Ffs

Of course it hasn't failed! My grandchildren were raised this way along with many other children I know and they are kind, considerate, confident children.
What has failed is people not understanding what it means

Me too. I raised two sons single handedly without smacking. They are both respectful and have never verbally abused me. They're adult now and great lads.

I’m not sure what gentle parenting is exactly but it always seems to be (wrongly?) interpreted as sappy, spineless parenting.

So your friend's 8 year old hits his Mum and you think the way to teach him that hitting is bad is to... hit him?

I got a smack on the arse when I was bad when I was younger, I learnt how to arch my back running away so she would miss. But more importantly I learned that it was not on and if I did something significantly wrong I would get a smack. Not an absolute beating, but enough to feel it (i'm 47). I would then also get grounded, but the worst punishment was my mothers tongue, god could that woman shout. I once got slapped round the face for calling her a bitch, never did it again

It did keep me in line, because I knew there was consequences to my actions. Kids don't have that anymore because we can't touch them, can't shout at them, etc.

I did smack my children when they were younger and I did raise my voice and take things away from them. My younger never did wrong so i didn't have to. I am so proud of the young men my boys have become, caring, considerate, thoughtful, well mannered, and not damaged from a tap on the back of the hands/legs or a telling off.

DH shouted at our GD the other day and she had an absolute melt down for about 1 minute. She then stopped kicking what she was repeatedly kicking (her sister), we made her apologise and then she went about her business and didn't do it again. We spoke to her afterwards to see if she understood what she had done and why she was told off.

Yes, in the part of the country I live in it is assault, it is a crime, and children have equal protection against assault to adults.

Ha, speak for yourself. I have never, ever felt the desire to hit any of my children...even when they were being pickles. I was smacked as a child, and while I am neither traumatised nor estranged from my parents it certainly never taught me anything other than to fear my father, and how to bite my lip to avoid tears because I 'didn't want to give him the satisfaction'.

We veer towards gentle parenting to no ill effect. I had a conversation with my 12 year old the other day about how he felt he'd never been 'punished', and he is a good boy.

You have to parent the child you have though, and treat them all appropriately for what works for them.

You seem to think the only alternative to 'gentle' is smacking though...why is that? Is that the only form of discipline you know of?!

Since people get so confused about how to gentle parent, clearly it's a daft thing to promote

I doubt very much the answer is smacking

But I do think that if children misbehave it's ok for them to hate the punishment , be upset by it , that punishment needs to exist alongside education and explanation.

I will never forget joining the official Sarah Ockwell-Smith FB groups when my eldest was a baby (10 years ago now) and I had all the intentions of being a 'gentle parent'. It sounds so lovely, doesn't it?!

She was the admin at the time, it wasn't an off-shoot parent group I don't know if she is any more.

Let's just say I left the group fairly quickly. I was horrified by some of the stories I read. Horrified. I remember one where a parent posted asking for advice on how to deal 'gently' with a reception aged child who had spent time killing an injured bird he'd found in the garden with a rock and objected to being taken away from it once it was dead by his mother.

"Awwww, no judgment here! Talk to the child about how the bird might have felt about being hit with a rock and how frightened it must have been. Remind him about gentle hands and he will learn, they don't have impulse control at this age and he was probably just curious as to what would happen. Praise his curiosity!"

I mean what the actual HELL.

I am all for a more modern approach to parenting where we encourage our children to understand and express their feelings, have bodily autonomy, have confidence, and learn make 'good choices' by guidance and learning rather than out of fear or punishment. It's common sense to me. But there is a world of difference between that and this nonsense notion of Gentle Parenting.

People say 'oh they're just doing GP wrong and being permissive, that's not GP' blah blah. Rubbish.

Behaviour in schools is worse than it's ever been. It is alarming, Before anyone starts on about special needs, I live that. It is absolutely true that some children cannot cope in mainstream school environments and their behaviours are reflective of that. They truly can't help that, but some the GP rubbish that I see with children who have these needs honestly is worse than in the non-send population. Even children with PDA profiles (which is extremely difficult to manage) need to learn and can be taught to behave appropriately as long as they're kept regulated and their the approach is adapted to take these needs into account. That does not mean allowing them to run riot, hurt people or other things like that with zero accountability or consequence.

I don't know how these so called GPs expect their children to grow into adults who can cope in society. I really don't.

A world where we parent appropriately and have expectations of behaviour that is in line with children's developmental capabilities is sensible. Toilet training is a classic example. No, it is not sensible to go back to the old days of insisting babies were fully toilet trained by 2. However, nor is it sensible or constructive to be 'gently' waiting so long for a child to be 'ready' that they're still happily in nappies in Reception class and beyond (SENDs that would legitimately cause this aside). That sort of thing is the reality of this abject nonsense.

There's a whole spectrum between gentle parenting and smacking,

Why not try some of the stuff in the middle?

It used to work thought didn’t it? How many kids used to hit their parents compared to now? The irony is kids have only become this violent since smacking was made illegal. How do you square that one?

What if the police or your boss or your husband could smack you "to correct you"? Is that okay?

Don't be so fucking ridiculous. DD is 7 and I have never, not once, not for a second, wanted to smack her.

I'm not a gentle parent – though I know plenty who are, and their children are a mixed bag just like the rest of ours! – and I am pretty strict with DD (as a solo parent, I had to be), but smacking has been proven time and time again to be an ineffective mode of discipline, as well as, quite frankly, morally wrong. There is something wrong with people who can bear to smack their children, to be honest.

Every few years a new name comes up to describe ‘good’ parenting. At the moment it’s gentle parenting. You’re talking about it as if everybody is doing it I would say it’s a minority activity done by a few people in this the middle classes but feel free to correct me.