Why does no one like me?

[Avotoast9]

Name changed for this.
Please be honest, I've got a thick skin.

I don't know where I'm going wrong. I don't have very many close friends at all. I think most people see me as a bit pretentious and possibly too intense. I don't think of my self like that at all. I've always struggled to make friends within my age group. My closest friends have always been older and I've NEVER been part of the in-group or had lots of girl friends. I can't remember ever arguing with anyone or falling out over anything specific. I guess I just fall out of touch with people. Sometimes I wonder if my defenses rub people up the wrong way. One thing I would like people to know about me (but I don't always get a chance to show) is that I am fiercely loyal. I would change my plans in a heartbeat to support a friend if ever they needed me.

So yeah, ask me anything. Why in your opinion am I rubbing people up the wrong way. I don't have a problem making friends initially but they never really go anywhere. Is that normal or should I take a long hard look at myself?

If you got this far, thanks ☺️

Are you neurodivergent? I have ADHD and quite a number of autistic traits and I was exactly the same as a younger person. I still have very few friends but actually prefer it that way now.

I think a lot of people would be happy with the ‘regular company’ you describe, which may lead to closer friendships?

do you think your close friends, one of whom you speak to daily, don’t “like” you OP? 😕

You sound perfectly lovely and friendly. I find that sometimes along the way I have met people who I like and feel I could be friends with, but at that particular time I don’t feel I have the time or energy to give to them, so I don’t pursue the friendship further, outside of the ofd coffee or walk with buggies. I don’t see my older friends or family enough, so it would be really hard to make time for a new person, and that’s nothing against them or about them, it’s all on me. That was more when my kids were very young. I never made lasting friendships at baby groups (although I did through Nct), and that was fine. There are usually meet ups through facebooks for superficial friendships or meet ups if you need general company.

Since my kids have been going to classes (baby ballet, gymnastics), I’ve been casually talking to a mum at each of those classes and over time at those hourlong sessions, we’ve developed a friendship and now we are starting to suggest play dates outside of those classes or drinks after work. Those people and friendships are ones that haven’t been forced and have developed naturally, which feels right and I would put energy into them. If someone was too keen to meet up regularly when I didn’t feel I had the time, I would back off.

Also I’ve made friends with the parents of my kids friends through play dates and get togethers.

maybe if your child is very young, the people you meet are not in a space where they can give you their time and energy, but that as your child gets older and you do classes and play dates etc, there will be people with whom you develop natural friendships and bonds with.

I'm much the same as you @Avotoast9
My daughter, in her late 30's, has just been diagnosed with ADHD and my son is mildly ND, I think that it's just who you are.
Does it bother you? I occasionally feel it would be good to have more close friends, but most of the time I don't even notice. I think I might be lonely without my DH, but he is similarly relatively friendless and it doesn't bother him either. We both have loads of acquantances, we're happy to see each other but it simply doesn't go any further.

I heard somwhere on youtube, that the secret of popular, liked people is that they actually really like others and show it.
So they get excited when they see others, reach out to them. People feel liked snd valued around them.
I am not like that too ;)

I once saw on a programme a boss asking some people, whose jobs no longer seemed relevant, to sit or stand still for a day, and do no work. If nobody noticed, then they were obsolete (subsequently, he reallocated them to make better use of their skills). I tried this with everyone I considered a friend - some long-standing, others relatively new - and I heard nothing in months. Some people have yet to get in contact (this was about 3 years ago). Not one person noticed, no-one asked if I was all right. I could be dead in the kitchen, being eaten by my cat, for all they knew... People only got in touch again by replying to me (I caved in eventually) and not one person asked where I had been, so I clearly was not even on their radar.

I am outgoing, funny, have wide interests, etc, but I consider myself friendless - probably for the last 12-15 years (I am in my early 60s). It's shit, to be honest. If I don't keep up the contact, there is no relationship; even if I do, it's nigh on impossible to get anyone to actually go for a drink or a walk ir go to the cinema or theatre or anything, quite frankly. I've joined groups, I've really made an effort, but nothing...

All these methods of communication and the world is full of lonely people 🙄

I did this too. I realised I always text them first and arranged drinks etc. So I didn't. No drama or big fuss over it. I just didn't start the chat.

They never text me. It's been 5 years. I guess we weren't friends after all. It still hurts. So, so much.

Last year I bumped into one of them at an event. We had a laugh. She text me after to talk about the event (not to ask where I'd been or what was happening with me). I replied politely but briefly. Maybe she was trying to start again but it's too late. I know where I stand.

I'm not going to do that to myself again. I deserve more than that.

It is hurtful, isn't it 😢, knowing you don't feature on anyone's list.

My school friends are all still married and have grandchildren. I've been divorced for 20 years and had my kids late in life, so no grandkids - and, therefore, no busy family life. People who have never been on their own have no idea what it's like, and they don't need me because they have a busy personal life.

Without wanting to sound creepy or Uriah Heepy, I have started telling the people I am close friends with why I like them. I often think “oh S will be there -it will be a great night” or “J is such a brilliant hostess. She puts everyone at ease”. Or “D’s kids are such a credit to her”. But I realised I didn’t voice these thoughts. Now I just say it. Not all the time and not obsequiously but I think everyone wonders to some extent what their friends and acquaintances think of them, whether they care or not. Telling friends what I enjoy about them or even just that I really value the friendship helps oil these relationships and I am of an age where time is limited. Everyone gets a little lift from a compliment.

You see, I would automatically like someone who routinely used a phrase like ‘creepy or Uriah Heepy’.

This is such an interesting thread. I really resonate with what you are both saying as I feel like sometimes I'm the only one doing the running! I pulled back from a couple of people last year and one did reach out so I'm still in touch with them and meet up etc. The other one I let go of.

I think with ND we often pick up things from 'below the surface'. I had this experience recently and was out with someone. I suddenly realised that she really doesn't like me! I could feel it. It's more that she doesn't understand me because I'm different from her and she assumes things because of that so it's her own projections really - but now she just doesn't really like me! I could literally feel it in my gut, it's a very odd sensation!

Yes same here. Oh we must meet. Im always reaching out. Nobody wants do anything now..... Then you get told join things. No replies on group apps. This morning had coffee alone its just easier this way. Christ its tiring

To be honest I think that making the jump from friendly to friend takes an act of service of some kind.
So you have lots of friendly acquaintances, and then one day you, or one of them, experiences something awful, or is in a difficult situation, and somebody steps up to help. They didn’t have to, it wasn’t expected, but they chose to be there. That’s the sort of thing that kicks friendship to the next level I think. So it’s kind of down to chance.

But so what, though? Mners who struggle with socialising and friendships are continually thinking about whether other people like them, or how they come across to others in company, and appear to forget very often to focus on the key question, which is ‘Do I like this person?’

Start with that, always, rather than what someone else may be thinking about you, and you’re far less likely to end up in a situation which is mystifyingly common on Mn, that of having ‘friends’ you don’t appear to like much, and who don’t appear particularly fond of you.

Anyone who likes a bit of wordplay is a friend of mine! We could have pun together.

Yes she was more of an acquaintance but I think we both walked away with a mutual understanding that we will never be more than acquaintances. I don't hang out with people I don't like but we were probably sussing each other out really.

I do think late 30s to 50s is quite a tricky time for friendships generally because people are in the trenches with young children and aging parents.

This was a very good post by the way! And the acquaintance I just mentioned in my posts had asked about a family member's job just prior to becoming frosty so maybe that was the final nail in the coffin!

I liked all the people who don't bother with me. Unless we do all the running, they don't bother. And I don't think they don't like me; I think they can't be bothered - and they have other options, like partners, grandkids, work colleagues. I have none of these. If we do meet up, all is well, but trying to maintain any sort of relationship with them is exhausting and so one-sided. Like someone said, it's like having a second job and bloody hard work - for very little reward 😱

Well, that sounds like a useful encounter where you listened to yourself and had an important realisation.

Our group we all doing caring of some sorts. We 50s. Its difficult. But cinema drinks anything nobody commits. I did meet 2 school mams last wend was lovely.

More people should do this! It’s utterly perverse how shy we are (particularly in the UK, I find!) about being nice to people we care about.

It’s interesting reading everyone’s comments here.

One thing that strikes me about the ND friends and family members of mine who often tell me they feel lonely and excluded, is that A LOT of their default social chat is about how they prefer animals to humans, or how much they hate groups / hate socialising / find people exhausting / infuriating / shallow / stupid.

Which is how they feel, fine.

But they don’t seem to make the connection that this sends a pretty unambiguous message (to anyone who identifies as human, anyway) that they are not interested in making friends. You’re hardly going to go out of your way to make social overtures to someone who professes to hate the human race and find socialising a painful waste of time.

I don’t think they realise quite how much they go on about this, tbh. I think it’s often an attempt at self-deprecating small talk gone wrong. The tone comes over as bitter and rageful rather than light and quirky.

I feel exactly the same, I’ve really tried but I end up the only one giving and eventually its felt like a one sided friendship. I would also bend over backwards, I much prefer my own company now when I’m not with DH.getting out for walks in nature has really made me appreciate what’s important. I have found peace now and have stopped trying to find real friends

Yes
yes and yes

although not just ND

i see so many mumsnetters complaining they have no friends and then the little drip drip begins about how they can’t stand “superficial” small talk but fail to realise that often that “superficial” small talk is the founding blocks to a proper friendship. Or do they just want to dive right in to a soul searching discussion on life after death?

the acquaintance I just mentioned in my posts had asked about a family member's job just prior to becoming frosty so maybe that was the final nail in the coffin!

But should you have to downplay a relative’s job, to avoid upsetting someone (if I’ve understood correctly)? If your relative is a consultant neurologist you shouldn’t have to pretend they’re a petrol pump attendant!