Why does no one like me?

[Avotoast9]

Name changed for this.
Please be honest, I've got a thick skin.

I don't know where I'm going wrong. I don't have very many close friends at all. I think most people see me as a bit pretentious and possibly too intense. I don't think of my self like that at all. I've always struggled to make friends within my age group. My closest friends have always been older and I've NEVER been part of the in-group or had lots of girl friends. I can't remember ever arguing with anyone or falling out over anything specific. I guess I just fall out of touch with people. Sometimes I wonder if my defenses rub people up the wrong way. One thing I would like people to know about me (but I don't always get a chance to show) is that I am fiercely loyal. I would change my plans in a heartbeat to support a friend if ever they needed me.

So yeah, ask me anything. Why in your opinion am I rubbing people up the wrong way. I don't have a problem making friends initially but they never really go anywhere. Is that normal or should I take a long hard look at myself?

If you got this far, thanks ☺️

Aquaintance

I don't know how you'd even know how this sort of person regards you because you haven't interacted in years. To me it's just someone that you used to know and maybe still have the contact details of but some folk here genuinely count them as friends.

Genuinely yes. People claiming that it's normal to be too busy with life to interact (both in person or virtually) with friends for years on end and with a kind of implication that to want more is needy and juvenile.

I found it interesting because I've always considered myself to have less friends than the average person but what I hadn't appreciated was that other people were also counting these "friendships".

It's not for me to judge if two people that don't interact for years still consider each other to be friends. To me it would lack any substance but that's obviously not a problem for some people.

Despite all the people eyerolling and saying 'mumsnet always says ND', none of them themselves seem to be diagnosed as autistic. It's admittedly a long thread but the only comments I have seem from people saying they themselves are autistic are 'this could be me' (or similar). I don't really understand why anyone would roll eyes at people saying "this is my own experience as well and this is the issue for me".

@Avotoast9 I can see from your response that you don't think you're autistic. That's in itself a strong sign that you aren't! But as someone who is late diagnosed autistic, your first post could be describing my life, which is why so many people are mentioning it. Second post, in a better mood, not me at all. I never have days like your second post. In case it's useful, I think my two key issues with friendships are (1) that I struggle with identifying when it's appropriate to move a relationship from 'casual acquaintances' to 'friends' - my only real friendships have come when that's happened naturally through prolonged contact (school/work) and by prolonged contact I mean years. I have 'work friends' at the moment I've worked with for 5 years, and I would still be nervous about suggesting we go for lunch, and (2) that I myself don't put enough effort in. This is partly linked to point 1 in that I struggle to understand when effort would be appreciated rather than annoying but partly because whilst I actually like the idea of having lots of friends, and feel like a bit of a failure for not having a large group of 'besties', actually I don't particularly enjoy spending time with people I don't know very well!

[There isn't really anything in OP's first post to suggest ADHD though (and I also have ADHD) so I don't get why people are suggesting that (or 'ND' in general as if there are some sort of common thing about having a neurodivergent disorder that means you struggle with friendships - don't think it's a big part of a dyslexic diagnosis!]

Whatever drugs you're on ( and I've known most) ain't working for ya kid
My advice stop or start speaking Klingon

I completely agree with this. I’m a real homebody and I love spending time on my own, but I also struggle to make friends and keep them. I have a couple who I’ve been friends with for a long time, but other than that my circle is small

If you like books / audio books, I would highly recommend a read or listen to the Mel Robins book Let Them. There is a really interesting chapter on friendships, looking both outward and inward. I took so much from it.

I think life can be so busy for so many, it’s hard to really invest in friendships, even when you really want to. Perhaps with your friendship group(s) it’s more about what they have going on, rather than it saying anything about you as a person. It can be hard to put yourself out there, but maybe suggest a walk or a coffee to those who you would like more of a friendship with, to build from there?

Self reflection is never a bad thing, but on your point of being ‘too intense’; stay true to who you are my lovely. You are not ‘too’ anything. It can take time but the right friends and real friendships are based on authenticity and acceptance x

Me too

Throughout my life (which is now quite long😂) I have made some great friends through shared interests. Can you join some interest groups that you would enjoy? That’s a great starting point. I joined a women’s cycling group three years ago. I now have three special friends that started with that group and developed into a nice friendship. We’re not a friendship group as I meet with them separately. I also have some friends from another interest group that I’ve known now for twenty years. I’m on the introverted side so it takes me a while to make solid friendships. I hate small talk! My favourite thing is one to ones or just a small group. Good luck! It’s not you, it’s just about finding a way where you can be yourself.

I've only ever disliked 3 people in my life, and I don't know if any of this will resonate...

Person A - Not a nice man it turned out... hr just gave me an eerie feeling. My spirit would just go cross whenever he appeared, so try as he may, I just didn't engage with him.

Person B - woman was a terrible gossip. She'd tell me thi gs I knew for a fact she shouldn't. Couldn't keep any confidence for anyone, so I cut her off as I can't abide untrustworthy people.

Person C - Lord, I could write several books about her family. I knew all about her, the husband, in-laws, cats, dogs - EVERYONE!
Absolutely nothing was sacred. She just talked and talked and talked and talked.
I'm sure she couldn't tell you anything of substance about the rest of us she was talking at, because she was always droning on about herself and her family.
When my friend pointed out that it had become so obvious to the group I tuned out every time she opened her mouth, I knew I had to distance myself.

I have a friend who I love dearly. She’s the sort that you could ring at 2am and she’d be there as I would for her. However she is SO self opinionated about and criticises EVERYTHING. Im Perimenopausal and super sensitive so I just find I’m absolutely raging every time I see her. I replay conversations over in my mind wishing I’d said this or that to stand up for myself. However I could never hurt her feelings so it’s all very difficult

Not knowing you were just speculating.

But are you too agreeable? Disinterested? Neurodivergent? Boring? Do you share your inner world enough and let people in? Do you present as too self contained?

Maybe you need to find a hobby you enjoy where you could meet people with shared interests?

Maybe your a bit needy

I think it can often look like everyone else has loads of friends when in actual fact most people have a handful of great friends and it sounds like you have a few lovely ones.

While you are looking inwards - do you think other people consider you to be an energy giver or an energy sapper?? I have a few energy sapper "friends" who are generally quite negative or glass half empty and I always find myself rather gravitating towards the ones that feel like sunshine and limiting my time with the more negative ones..
Sometimes people don't even realise that other people view them as negative or they can just be exhausting to be around if they are particularly confrontational or always complaining.

You sound like me. I have got a couple of beautiful, loyal, loving long term friends that I’ve known for decades, but they don’t live near me, so we don’t see each other often & I think that’s why we’re still friends. Ones that live locally seem to think I’m wonderful at first, but gradually, gradually the friendships dissolve & I never see it coming. It usually happens at a point where I feel at my most secure & content with them & I wonder if I relax too much & show a side of myself they’re not keen on? Also, I’m quite boring & a bit negative - I love getting a good moan off my chest. I realised recently I’m probably autistic & explains why I don’t really get people or how they react to things & that my reactions are a bit more brash - I lack that layer of diplomacy other people have. I deal with it by giving myself time to grieve the end of the friendships & accepting it & then I try to be comfortable on my own company. Sometimes the friendships revive or new ones appear. I hope you get the result you want ❤️

You sound very much like my daughter. She has recently been diagnosed with severe combined ADHD. It's NOT your fault. Do some research and if you identify with what you hear think about diagnosis and coping strategies.

Sorry, I dare not advise you on this. It seems I'm in the same club. Try to give advice and suddenly I get it all wrong and am mumsnet enemy number one.

The posters don't like advice, consider themselves victims if you dare to suggest their actions were wrong.

Just don't beat yourself up. You just haven't met someone you like, probably because you know a bit more about life than they do.

I'm considered outright hostile when people meet me. Even if I'm smiling it looks like people are anticipating a shark attack. They then fall into two camps, love me or loathe me.

Op - you just need to find your tribe.
You should never feel like you can’t be yourself, and the right people will love you for who you are.
It’s taken me a long time to find my tribe, but I have and it’s great.

Find hobbies which allow you to meet dozens of people, and don’t put pressure on yourself or those connections. Set yourself the target of having pleasant, friendly interactions - not friendships - with the people you meet. Don’t expect too much too soon of those contacts. If one in twenty of the people you’re on smiling, “how are you, how was your week?” terms with develops into a friendship then you’re doing well.

This is very good advice @drhf