Why does no one like me?

[Avotoast9]

Name changed for this.
Please be honest, I've got a thick skin.

I don't know where I'm going wrong. I don't have very many close friends at all. I think most people see me as a bit pretentious and possibly too intense. I don't think of my self like that at all. I've always struggled to make friends within my age group. My closest friends have always been older and I've NEVER been part of the in-group or had lots of girl friends. I can't remember ever arguing with anyone or falling out over anything specific. I guess I just fall out of touch with people. Sometimes I wonder if my defenses rub people up the wrong way. One thing I would like people to know about me (but I don't always get a chance to show) is that I am fiercely loyal. I would change my plans in a heartbeat to support a friend if ever they needed me.

So yeah, ask me anything. Why in your opinion am I rubbing people up the wrong way. I don't have a problem making friends initially but they never really go anywhere. Is that normal or should I take a long hard look at myself?

If you got this far, thanks ☺️

@Avotoast9 oh,adaptbility......free thinking and a accent that can be thatcheresk sneered at or joanne lumley/chocolatey......
do yu have sisters\bros\extended family.?i feel a bit bd dismissing the loooks based-100 %i can walk into a room of 10 strangers-at least 3 will tut.
i was always aware of this-but pretty unphzed-not bolshi r exuding confidence s such-if i went in rm of 10 strngers probbly had a reason. i am alllegedly black\white thinking.my mouth/typing ahere to that.
I /think serious loyal n bounce of walls is.......underated x

Sometimes I wonder if my defenses rub people up the wrong way.

Ooh say more… what defenses and why? Are they up automatically?

OP I went through a few years of having no real friends. If you want them, you’ve just got to keep trying until you find them - let small talk with acquaintances keep you ticking over socially until then. Takes a lot of self esteem and resilience but keep trying!

I'm similar. I think it's because I'm not very good at small talk and it's that that can help people warm to you and build connections. I'm polite but can probably come off as stand offish without meaning to. I make an effort with existing friendships, so calls, texts to check in. I use social media to check in on friends further away. I put myself out there by volunteering to practice my small talk. I have a job in healthcare but it's very matter of the fact and to the point which doesn't help me to practice the skills I am lacking in.

Point of my post is that I understand and there are lots of us out there.

Op maybe you are coming across as too intense and exhausting. Delivering opinions rather than opening up about your own feelings? Talking too fast instead of just slowing down and enjoying the time together? Actually allowing yourself to enjoy your time with them, rather than talking at them.

Are you one of those that hates small talk? I find that a lot of people want to stay in the small talk stage for a while and I suck at sticking with it. Do you give up too soon?

@Biscuitsnotcookies I don't tend to offer up my opinions without being asked. Maybe values would have been be a better word. I know what I like and what I believe in.

Do you want to change OP? Because we can by all means give you tips to develop friendships? At the moment the thread is somewhat inviting a pile on!

What are your interests? Hobbies? How do you spend your time?

Do you get on well with your colleagues?

How would a close family member describe you?

What do you think a good friendship looks like?

What do you want from a friendship - weekly coffee and cake chit-chat meets, or deep meaningful dinner chat?

Do you find people interesting or a bit boring?

One thing I would like people to know about me (but I don't always get a chance to show) is that I am fiercely loyal. I would change my plans in a heartbeat to support a friend if ever they needed me. This sounds very intense, do you think people can feel you want a more intense friendship in the early stages? It takes time to get to the 'loyal' stage, surely?

You mention your defences - do you have a hard time letting people in?

People obviously do like you, if you don't have trouble making friends. It's retaining them that seems to be the issue. Could it be that after the initial interest, you don't really take it any further than that? For a friendship to grow, you need to show a little vulnerability.

Get an adult autism assessment. The wait could be years on the NHS, but you could go private if you can afford it. If you are autistic, that will help you to make sense of the difficulties you have connecting to people, and you can get support in managing those relationships.

If you’re not autistic, consider seeing a person-centred counsellor who can help you understand what is going on.

Remember that friendships, like dating, are a numbers game. Introverts often focus on a small number of acquaintances and if those don’t develop into friendships can assume they are unlikeable. But extroverts have hundreds of superficial acquaintances, only a few of whom develop into real friends.

Find hobbies which allow you to meet dozens of people, and don’t put pressure on yourself or those connections. Set yourself the target of having pleasant, friendly interactions - not friendships - with the people you meet. Don’t expect too much too soon of those contacts. If one in twenty of the people you’re on smiling, “how are you, how was your week?” terms with develops into a friendship then you’re doing well.

Have you ever been in an environment where there were more people like you and did you make friends more easily there? (For example, I found that at university and in some workplaces the people were so much more like me that it was very easy to make lots of friends)

Some people are just a bit self absorbed to make friends.

it’s all about give and take

It's all or nothing. Think heart to heart serious or bouncing off the walls.

This does sound very intense, and is something that would put me off a friend. Do you think you can work on finding a middle ground?

I could have written nearly everything in your posts. I was diagnosed with autism in my early 40s and over recent years its becoming clearer that I probably have ADHD too.

I've decided it's a combination of me just being slightly put of kilter with other people but not being able to see it (or changing it even if I could!) so they don't feel the desire to be close friends with me and me not being able to read other people very well.

I don't clash with people and I've only ever fallen out with one friend. But they drift, they don't make an effort, they don't reciprocate or match my energy and I lose confidence and let them. I assume they don't like me rather than have other reasons because I know they still make rime for other friends. So I think I must be 'hard work' without realising it. Maybe I'm ntense? Maybe I overshare? Maybe I don't say the right/expected things in response to things they've said?

I've always said I've known straight away if people.actually and actively don't like me (because they're unkind) but I have no idea about whether most people like me or not.

There are two people outisde of my immediate family who I feel confident about liking me but the rest? I think I'm tolerated at best.

Same. I have a couple of steadfast friends I've known for years who will always be there for me but the newer ones don't seem to last. I've also wondered ADHD. One fell out with me over my crap time management, always being late to meet up. 😔

Not sure of your age or martial status OP but I find (as a single mid 30s person without children) that new people my age don't have time for me and that's OK! If it doesn't involve play dates or meeting other couples they're just not interested and that's their perogative. Like you I have just a couple of really good friends who are my mum's age actually!

Also don't compare your friendship lifestyle with that of an extrovert if you're an introvert. I.e if you're a introvert then why on earth would you have a big circle of friends and a gaggle of women you affectionately refer to as "The Girls"? That's not really an introvert. You're comparing apples to deck chairs.

Waterweight

I'm.afraid that's a you problem and you're proejctiving massively.

I've never judged a person for friendship based on their appearance and I've never heard anyone say such a thing. Nor have I ever felt that was a reason someone chose to be friends with me or not.

Have you ever considered whether you could be ND?

Obviously this is a generalisation but sometimes, if you are someone highly intelligent, who marches to the beat of their own drum, would like friends but is unsure of why others seem to manage and you can't, then the reason is ND.

I agree with @VoltaireMittyDream — most of the people who post on here about lacking friends just aren’t that interested in other people, and don’t understand how friendships work. They will say things like ‘Why does no one want to be my friend? I run around helping everyone!’ Or ‘I’m really loyal!’ Then they say they just want a friend to do y, y and a with, but they’re just talking about a friend-shaped blank space. And if you ask them what they want in friends, or what kind of people they want in their lives, they’re often puzzled, because they just think of people as generic. They don’t seem to understand why people befriend other people (clue — it’s not because they’re always ready to help…)

What?! Of course it isn’t looks based. What a horrible thing to say!

OP are you able to take friendships beyond surface level? So basically reaching out when you’re in a bad place and reaching out to check in on others? I find the friends that stick are the ones you can share everything with and know you’re always there for them.

This isnt intense. She says for a friend. I would do the same for all my friends even ones that i dont see or talk to that often. If someone has asked you for help they obviously need it you might not be the first person they asked. You might not be able to help but you can try.

We aren’t the people you should be asking

*I would change my plans in a heartbeat to support a friend if ever they needed me. **

presumably you think you would but haven’t had call to