Page 12 | Why does no one like me?

OldScribbler · 07/03/2025 19:18

daisychain01 · 06/03/2025 03:48

I can't remember ever arguing with anyone or falling out over anything specific. I guess I just fall out of touch with people.

so, in actual fact, it isn't that people don't like you. You don't hold strong ties with people and you don't argue with people, which are both equally valid. There's no law that says you have to.

not trying to be dismissive but I wouldn't worry about it if I were you. Care less about what people think, you'll never know or control how they feel so let go of it,

When I was young, before time began, it was assumed people like you were shy: not a great sin. You can be interested in people without being the life and soul of the party.

I am like that - a watcher. But one day I had the opportunity to speak in public, to an audience that would be very helpful to a business I was involved in. My only previous experience was a disaster - best man at a friend's wedding. But everything depended on this. I had to take brandy and a tranquilliser to do the speech. It led to a business that was very successful.

Shyness is not a disaster. It's just part of your character.Don't despair!

SixtySomething · 07/03/2025 19:18

VoltaireMittyDream · 06/03/2025 04:02

My observation is that most people who post here about not having friends turn out not to be terribly interested in other people. Which is fine! Not everyone’s a people person. But it’s not very conducive to close friendships, as people can tell when someone just wants somebody they can count on to do things with, or a listening ear, rather than actively enjoying their company and being interested in them.

This may not be the case for you at all, but it’s what I’ve noticed a lot. People who like being around other people make friends fairly easily - however awkward or intense they may be. People who find most other human beings to be abrasive or shallow or generally confusing or overwhelming struggle to make lasting friendships. Generally because they just don’t enjoy being around people very much.

If this is you, lean into it - find ways of getting your social needs met that feel good to you. That could be hobby groups, or just hanging out at home with a partner in companionable silence. Not everyone enjoys having close friends or big friendship groups, and that doesn’t make someone a bad person or unlikeable. We’re all different.

Great post!
I second the hobbies approach. Do leisure pursuits that interest you while checking they bring you into contact with others and this may lead you to like- minded people.

fetchacloth · 07/03/2025 19:19

CarolinaWren · 06/03/2025 04:48

I have only a few good friends, but I've found the same to be true. It takes a lot of effort to maintain friendships and the effort is not always reciprocated. I've periodically decided to make more friends and I put a lot of effort into it. Then I realize it's like having a second job and really not much fun.

Show quote history

I agree, I've had similar experiences to you, so that now I've got a few close friends that have stayed true to me and that's fine by me.😎

Original poster

Avotoast9 · 07/03/2025 19:21

Overnightoats1 · 07/03/2025 18:35

I think it can often look like everyone else has loads of friends when in actual fact most people have a handful of great friends and it sounds like you have a few lovely ones.

While you are looking inwards - do you think other people consider you to be an energy giver or an energy sapper?? I have a few energy sapper "friends" who are generally quite negative or glass half empty and I always find myself rather gravitating towards the ones that feel like sunshine and limiting my time with the more negative ones..
Sometimes people don't even realise that other people view them as negative or they can just be exhausting to be around if they are particularly confrontational or always complaining.

You make a good point. I've always referred to this idea as being like a fountain or a drain ☺️ I would like to think of myself more of a fountain - I'd rather get on with things than complain. However, a few times at the toddler groups I felt like a complete zombie, just from exhaustion. Everyone was laughing and I dread to think what expression was on my face! That's not my normal and I hope I would get cut some slack there.

OP posts:

FozzieP · 07/03/2025 19:23

It’s difficult to answer because we don’t know you. Perhaps you’re just trying too hard or expect too much. I have a theory that a lot of people are just waiting for a knock on the door, and that just won’t happen; you have to get out and about. And not everybody else’s life is perfect - most people have hang ups about something they just hide them well.

Original poster

Avotoast9 · 07/03/2025 19:31

Kitchensinktoday · 07/03/2025 19:18

Find hobbies which allow you to meet dozens of people, and don’t put pressure on yourself or those connections. Set yourself the target of having pleasant, friendly interactions - not friendships - with the people you meet. Don’t expect too much too soon of those contacts. If one in twenty of the people you’re on smiling, “how are you, how was your week?” terms with develops into a friendship then you’re doing well.

This is very good advice @drhf

This is EXACTLY where I find myself. I am on those terms with so many people. "Hi, how was your week?". They are the kind of "friends" I need to preface with the context eg. "Mum friends", "running friends". These are people I genuinely like and would want to spend more time with. I think it may be that I am someone who is quick to become friendly. I don't know whether that's a good or bad thing. That may be part of the turn off to be honest. Its when I feel most comfortable in friendships that are starting to blossom that they pull away. "Too soon".

OP posts:

Original poster

Avotoast9 · 07/03/2025 19:33

SixtySomething · 07/03/2025 19:18

Great post!
I second the hobbies approach. Do leisure pursuits that interest you while checking they bring you into contact with others and this may lead you to like- minded people.

Show quote history

This is great advice but very difficult as a single mum with a 1 year old. Im not at the stage yet where I can just go out and do something for me.

OP posts:

NooNoo1979 · 07/03/2025 19:36

crosskeysgreen · 06/03/2025 03:37

I'm the same. I suspect I'm autistic or adhd.

Same and agree with op. My only good friends are my mums friends kids who I grew up with (weirdly we were all the same year group at school, so we’re our siblings and all our kids are the same year group in different schools too) I struggle to make and keep new friends so appreciate how OP is feeling

MyNDfamily · 07/03/2025 19:44

Avotoast9 · 06/03/2025 03:30

Name changed for this.
Please be honest, I've got a thick skin.

I don't know where I'm going wrong. I don't have very many close friends at all. I think most people see me as a bit pretentious and possibly too intense. I don't think of my self like that at all. I've always struggled to make friends within my age group. My closest friends have always been older and I've NEVER been part of the in-group or had lots of girl friends. I can't remember ever arguing with anyone or falling out over anything specific. I guess I just fall out of touch with people. Sometimes I wonder if my defenses rub people up the wrong way. One thing I would like people to know about me (but I don't always get a chance to show) is that I am fiercely loyal. I would change my plans in a heartbeat to support a friend if ever they needed me.

So yeah, ask me anything. Why in your opinion am I rubbing people up the wrong way. I don't have a problem making friends initially but they never really go anywhere. Is that normal or should I take a long hard look at myself?

If you got this far, thanks ☺️

Do you think you might be autistic? I am similar. I've had lots of friends over the years, but don't seem to keep them. I think me being autistic and not having very good social skills can make other people feel uncomfortable before they get to know me. I am quite intense as Nd also very loyal, but with such intense friendships I think it gets too much for me or the other person to keep.it up. Neuro typical people don't like autistics. It's usually them with the problem.

Lollipop81 · 07/03/2025 19:45

Maybe you’re just trying too hard. Be yourself, let it be natural. I also find that as we get older people tend to make less friends as you become close knit in the circle you are in, then don’t see the need for new friends 🤣

MyNDfamily · 07/03/2025 19:56

I am definitely picking up on autistic vibes in your posts. The "up yourself" part is a give away. Having strong values and being loyal are also autistic traits. Being drained by socialising is another trait. Id definitely re consider this point. 5 years ago I would have thought it was crazy to think of myself as autistic, autism is girls and women presents quite differently than in men and boys. It doesn't matter either way though. What matters is that you are happy. My autistic son has a BBC accent. I don't so much, but it's odd I don't have a regional accent from the area I grew up in, I speak a bit too properly and am called posh when I go back there. I'm not posh though. I'm quite ordinary. Not wearing makeup is very common in autistic girls too! Xx

FluffyRabbitGal · 07/03/2025 20:03

How/ where are you trying to make friends? I’m in my early 40’s & intentionally have a very small circle. I attend work/ hobbies locally and am polite & speak to those around me, but have no interest whatsoever in making new friends- I’m happy with my lot. I have 8 ‘ride or die’ pals and have no desire to look for more or participate in idol chit chat that goes nowhere.
Do you think you’re going to places where people may be open to making new friends or perhaps misreading signals? I imagine it’s harder to make new friends as you get older.

restingbitchface30 · 07/03/2025 20:22

I’m the same but I’m ok with it. I’ve got one good friend that I’ve had for 26 years and a few other friends who I’m not as close with. I’m incredibly low maintenance and honestly could go months without speaking to people. I love being on my own. I only surround myself with people I really click with and enjoy their chat. I do not do mundane chit chat. Maybe the people you are trying to be friends with are like me. It’s really hard to make friends as an adult. Perhaps you could join a club you’re really interested in. A lot of grown ups don’t really go out their way to make friends, people are busy, don’t take it too personally.

BusyGreenFinch · 07/03/2025 20:52

I'm terrible at making and keeping friends. I simply don't understand how most women work. It used to bother me terribly that I was massively unlikeable, until I discovered that I have autism. Now I understand, I don't feel anywhere near as lonely as I used to. My husband (a neurotypical) gets upset when I mention my friendlessness and says my friends would be upset to hear me talk that way. He's very outgoing and likeable, everyone loves him. I work best as a colleague or team member so all my 'friends' are through work or volunteering, it's nice to have company but I suspect I'm their acquaintance and more 'useful' to have around than someone they consider a 'proper' friend. But I daren't ask. I enjoy their company when I'm with them and don't expect them to value me beyond that. Low expectations means less likelihood of disappointment.

Allyoudoistalktalk · 07/03/2025 21:13

Avotoast9 · 06/03/2025 04:26

@VoltaireMittyDream that's really interesting. I can relate to that a lot. I find general chit chat takes a lot of energy from me. Its not that I don't enjoy being around people but I find it exhausting until I am very comfortable with a person and can properly relax.

@Theextraordinaryisintheordinary yes. I try hard to reach out to people out of the blue. Most of the time I would say I am the initiator with conversations. I always get a reply, but then it never really goes anywhere. I speak to my closest friend every day (despite living on a different country). A couple of people who I thought were great friends have apologised to me for not keeping in touch because they are too busy. I struggle to understand that because it takes 5 mins to send a message every couple of weeks just to say hi how are you. I reached out to them for a couple of years before I gave up because it was never reciprocated. At the time this really upset me.

Also I would consider myself both serious and silly in equal measure. I'm a serious person most of the time, but don't mind being a clown and messing me about. It's all of nothing. Think heart to heart serious or bouncing off the walls 😉

i’m the same - i bet you are great , let’s start a friend group we can be the click online … be nicer to yourself !!!!

BeenThere2Often · 07/03/2025 21:14

Waterweight · 06/03/2025 04:06

It'll be looks based sorry to say. There's nothing you can do about it.

That was my biggest realisation & what finally let me let go of the constant confusion-desire of making friends before all the "pretty privilege" stuff became common thing & but was relatively confident

I'm sure your a lovely person though & you don't deserve it regardless

Edited

Beg to disagree, Waterweight.
I have a face like a bulldog, am fat, dress like a bag lady, and I have loads of friends.
I do really enjoy other people though. They are an endless source of fascination to me, and I’m not shy. I think these features help. Also, I tend to assume that people are going to like me, and if they don’t I figure that if they don’t, it cannot be just me that they don’t like, so the loss is theirs.

I think the trick to making friends is finding others that are actively looking to make friends too.
People are much more receptive to friendly overtures if they too are actively seeking to make friends. That’s partly why joining groups can help.

FWIW OP I think loyalty is a lovely feature in a friend and that would win me over totally.

Retiredfromearlyyears · 07/03/2025 22:09

Perhaps you are focusing too hard in building up close friendships,instead of building up interests. I really don't have any very close friendships. However ,I have plenty of regular company through my Leisure Centre . My Aquafit buddy and I have a coffee and catch up every week. I go to the Theatre with members of my drama group. Have lunch with members of my choir. I have three freinds who began as colleagues 25 years ago that I meet once a month for dinner.Maybe try developing interests first . I'm fortunate enough to have my husband and my sister that I am out and about with too. I don't really need more. Relax and enjoy life!

offmynut · 07/03/2025 22:46

For all you posters that say No one likes you let me say I LIKE YOU ALL be nice to yourselfs as much as you can.
Your real true friends are still to come.

CatAndHisKit · 07/03/2025 22:59

VoltaireMittyDream · 06/03/2025 04:02

My observation is that most people who post here about not having friends turn out not to be terribly interested in other people. Which is fine! Not everyone’s a people person. But it’s not very conducive to close friendships, as people can tell when someone just wants somebody they can count on to do things with, or a listening ear, rather than actively enjoying their company and being interested in them.

This may not be the case for you at all, but it’s what I’ve noticed a lot. People who like being around other people make friends fairly easily - however awkward or intense they may be. People who find most other human beings to be abrasive or shallow or generally confusing or overwhelming struggle to make lasting friendships. Generally because they just don’t enjoy being around people very much.

If this is you, lean into it - find ways of getting your social needs met that feel good to you. That could be hobby groups, or just hanging out at home with a partner in companionable silence. Not everyone enjoys having close friends or big friendship groups, and that doesn’t make someone a bad person or unlikeable. We’re all different.

Great post - I came to the conclusion it is as simple as that, how much you enjoy being with various people regardless of their faults, even if friendships ar not deep.

Even if you can criticise them to other friends. yet still find something enjoyable about their company and overlook the rest, that's what my mum i like and she's got many friends. As you can guess, I'm a lot more fussy about people. So tend to have a very few but close friendships with those I like more deeply. I wish I wasn't as fussy but how do you change...

SixtySomething · 07/03/2025 23:53

Avotoast9 · 07/03/2025 19:33

This is great advice but very difficult as a single mum with a 1 year old. Im not at the stage yet where I can just go out and do something for me.

Show quote history

So maybe that's part of the problem, that you are very tied to your child at the moment (quite naturally). I imagine you mostly meet people through other Mums or at work. Maybe you don't get to meet your type of person, and perhaps unsure as yet what type of person you are, when not a worker or Mum.
If you can't get out much, perhaps you could follow a hobby or interest online, which would bring you into contact with people with similar interests?

06230villefrancesurmer · 08/03/2025 02:19

Avotoast9 · 06/03/2025 03:30

Name changed for this.
Please be honest, I've got a thick skin.

I don't know where I'm going wrong. I don't have very many close friends at all. I think most people see me as a bit pretentious and possibly too intense. I don't think of my self like that at all. I've always struggled to make friends within my age group. My closest friends have always been older and I've NEVER been part of the in-group or had lots of girl friends. I can't remember ever arguing with anyone or falling out over anything specific. I guess I just fall out of touch with people. Sometimes I wonder if my defenses rub people up the wrong way. One thing I would like people to know about me (but I don't always get a chance to show) is that I am fiercely loyal. I would change my plans in a heartbeat to support a friend if ever they needed me.

So yeah, ask me anything. Why in your opinion am I rubbing people up the wrong way. I don't have a problem making friends initially but they never really go anywhere. Is that normal or should I take a long hard look at myself?

If you got this far, thanks ☺️

Wow. First of all I'm a retired pirate/yacht master so to speak.

I must say that's a very brave thing you've said

I think you have made a few mates on here already.

I've been alone, but never lonely . .

It gets better kid . . Hey I'm ya mate

Biscuitsnotcookies · 08/03/2025 03:45

It’s a difficult age when you have a young baby and before they learn to speak. They are too young for you to go out very much or at all, too young to keep you company, and it’s still very tiring. I was friends with other mothers with babies much of the time, at this point, and developed stronger friendships later when I had more time and energy. This isn’t you, but a life stage op.

Mervyco · 08/03/2025 04:38

We live in a Retirement Village. We organise the monthly Bingo, Theatre outing, movie show, Jazz evenings, Quizes, Wine Club, Informal gatherings. Without us there would be very little entertainment as the Trustees actively discourage it.
When we had plans to move, and they fell through loads of people said we are so glad that you are not going.
We see people going into others houses, hear how a group went to dinner, to a local wine estate for luncheon, for a drink. But somehow, we become invisable on these occasions.
After last nights quiz, six of us were left. One couple asked the other to come home for a nightcap: but we were not included.
You come to a stage where you cannot ignore that fact that when you are not doing for others you just do not exist for them.
I am not looking for sympathy, but sometimes it just sucks

Biscuitsnotcookies · 08/03/2025 04:44

Mervyco · 08/03/2025 04:38

We live in a Retirement Village. We organise the monthly Bingo, Theatre outing, movie show, Jazz evenings, Quizes, Wine Club, Informal gatherings. Without us there would be very little entertainment as the Trustees actively discourage it.
When we had plans to move, and they fell through loads of people said we are so glad that you are not going.
We see people going into others houses, hear how a group went to dinner, to a local wine estate for luncheon, for a drink. But somehow, we become invisable on these occasions.
After last nights quiz, six of us were left. One couple asked the other to come home for a nightcap: but we were not included.
You come to a stage where you cannot ignore that fact that when you are not doing for others you just do not exist for them.
I am not looking for sympathy, but sometimes it just sucks

I think it’s natural for other people to make different frievds and organise other events. It’s not that you’re invisible, but rather they have struck up a deeper friendship or share interests. Is there anyone you particularly like? Or would like to get to know better? Organising generic events is very different to developing meaningful relationships. Perhaps put more effort into the latter?

Mervyco · 08/03/2025 04:52

We have people over to dinner, luncheon, tea. We just never get asked back. My wife is a Coeliac so cannot eat any Gluten, I do not eat pork or shellfish.
A) we do not know what to make for you two it is so difficult
B) you cook too well we could never do anything like that
It is not that we are too involved with generic events, and we have tried to develop meaningful relationsghips, but when people sit at your table, and make arrangements to go out together and NOT include you, what do you gather from that??