Why does no one like me?

[Avotoast9]

Name changed for this.
Please be honest, I've got a thick skin.

I don't know where I'm going wrong. I don't have very many close friends at all. I think most people see me as a bit pretentious and possibly too intense. I don't think of my self like that at all. I've always struggled to make friends within my age group. My closest friends have always been older and I've NEVER been part of the in-group or had lots of girl friends. I can't remember ever arguing with anyone or falling out over anything specific. I guess I just fall out of touch with people. Sometimes I wonder if my defenses rub people up the wrong way. One thing I would like people to know about me (but I don't always get a chance to show) is that I am fiercely loyal. I would change my plans in a heartbeat to support a friend if ever they needed me.

So yeah, ask me anything. Why in your opinion am I rubbing people up the wrong way. I don't have a problem making friends initially but they never really go anywhere. Is that normal or should I take a long hard look at myself?

If you got this far, thanks ☺️

I'm the same. I suspect I'm autistic or adhd.

I can't remember ever arguing with anyone or falling out over anything specific. I guess I just fall out of touch with people.

so, in actual fact, it isn't that people don't like you. You don't hold strong ties with people and you don't argue with people, which are both equally valid. There's no law that says you have to.

not trying to be dismissive but I wouldn't worry about it if I were you. Care less about what people think, you'll never know or control how they feel so let go of it,

My observation is that most people who post here about not having friends turn out not to be terribly interested in other people. Which is fine! Not everyone’s a people person. But it’s not very conducive to close friendships, as people can tell when someone just wants somebody they can count on to do things with, or a listening ear, rather than actively enjoying their company and being interested in them.

This may not be the case for you at all, but it’s what I’ve noticed a lot. People who like being around other people make friends fairly easily - however awkward or intense they may be. People who find most other human beings to be abrasive or shallow or generally confusing or overwhelming struggle to make lasting friendships. Generally because they just don’t enjoy being around people very much.

If this is you, lean into it - find ways of getting your social needs met that feel good to you. That could be hobby groups, or just hanging out at home with a partner in companionable silence. Not everyone enjoys having close friends or big friendship groups, and that doesn’t make someone a bad person or unlikeable. We’re all different.

It'll be looks based sorry to say. There's nothing you can do about it.

That was my biggest realisation & what finally let me let go of the constant confusion-desire of making friends before all the "pretty privilege" stuff became common thing & but was relatively confident

I'm sure your a lovely person though & you don't deserve it regardless

I have a lot of good friends but I have to nurture those friendships to keep therm going & growing. There’s a lot of effort on my part to check in on their welfare. My sister expects friendships to appear but doesn’t have many friends. I’m not surprised as she rarely checks in on anyone. I stopped putting all the effort in recently to see what she’d do & I haven’t heard a peep in months! It’s so disappointing. Sometimes I’d just love a text from her sharing something mundane.

Do you ever text or call someone just to ask about them? Are you very serious generally or can you be a bit light & silly? Maybe ask what draws you to someone as a potential friend & start from there.x

Waterweight.pish. not sorry.
Could be aquarius?
Could be ,you don't "appear" needy,needing? Esp if long-term, always,ever.
Eeeeeven if u wanna be joey,chandler etc...
Possibly spectrum.??

@yourmaw are you high?

@Avotoast9 it could be any number of things, you didn’t really give much detail. However I do think (especially as we get older and have adult obligations) friendships require serious effort and upkeep.

It’s also tied to what you like to do. The idea of the “in-group” may sound nice but then in reality you wouldn’t been comfortable in it, for example. I love going out but the people I relate to and bond with usually don’t, so at night mostly I just go out with DP because I don’t really have a group for that.

@VoltaireMittyDream that's really interesting. I can relate to that a lot. I find general chit chat takes a lot of energy from me. Its not that I don't enjoy being around people but I find it exhausting until I am very comfortable with a person and can properly relax.

@Theextraordinaryisintheordinary yes. I try hard to reach out to people out of the blue. Most of the time I would say I am the initiator with conversations. I always get a reply, but then it never really goes anywhere. I speak to my closest friend every day (despite living on a different country). A couple of people who I thought were great friends have apologised to me for not keeping in touch because they are too busy. I struggle to understand that because it takes 5 mins to send a message every couple of weeks just to say hi how are you. I reached out to them for a couple of years before I gave up because it was never reciprocated. At the time this really upset me.

Also I would consider myself both serious and silly in equal measure. I'm a serious person most of the time, but don't mind being a clown and messing me about. It's all of nothing. Think heart to heart serious or bouncing off the walls 😉

I have only a few good friends, but I've found the same to be true. It takes a lot of effort to maintain friendships and the effort is not always reciprocated. I've periodically decided to make more friends and I put a lot of effort into it. Then I realize it's like having a second job and really not much fun.

I think most people see me as a bit pretentious and possibly too intense. I don't think of my self like that at all.

What makes you think people see you this way, and if you are not really like that, why would you come across in that way?

I don't think I've ever made or ended a friendship based on looks. I would, however, end a friendship if a person shows needless cruelty towards others.

Have you read "The Power of Introverts" by Susan Cain?

I'd far rather go for a nice walk with my dogs than spend lunch nattering about nothing. On the outside I'm somewhat gregarious and outgoing, and I spend a lot of that energy at work, but in reality if I see my friends a couple of times a year, that's enough.

Why are you considered pretentious?

How do you perceive people "not liking" you?
Is it important that people like you, if so, why?
Are you polite, friendly, helpful, fun?
Do you "overshare"?
Would you feel differently about yourself, if you thought people "liked" you?

Do your friends/acquaintances know what you enjoy doing?
Because without the idle chat, people won’t know you. And if you feel that telling them about something you did is boring, they’ll perceive it as such. Even if you don’t think it’s actually boring, if you downplay the narrative they’ll run with the downplay.

You said you can be pretentious.
What does that mean?

To me, it sounds like you are not fully being yourself. If that’s the case and you are avoiding ‘real’ conversations about things that matter, then you aren’t connecting with them properly and it will feel too superficial.

I have a friend like this (she was bullied relentlessly at school, and created a farcade) the problem is she is never authentic, and I get sick of talking to a fake mask. I stick with it because she is an old friend, but I find the conversations are trite and a bit pointless. I would prefer to be with friends that talk about their real feelings, worries and are honest about who they are.

To develop long lasting relationships you need to be vulnerable sometimes, and show the less than perfect sides.

@yourmaw yikes lol

@CheekyHobson I'm not really sure. I've heard that been said about me before. I don't think the accent helps. I have a very BBC accent which has stood out in some places I've lived. I do know my own mind and don't really engage much in light-hearted chitchat or gossip so I suppose that might come across as a snub sometimes. I understand the intense thing though. I do tend to talk quite quickly and passionately. I also have a lot of opinions. 😂 Maybe guilty of over sharing from time to time but definitely make a conscious effort to keep my mouth shut and listen too!

That’s not correct. In my job I have to have fairly close conversations with people, someone who’s stunning looks wise says exactly the same thing as the OP. And I know what she’s saying, she’s quite brittle with me at times, vulnerable, very sensitive but more than able to chuck a bit of fury at someone. I find myself not being able to relax with her. But that’s because she isn’t relaxing herself. I’d think this scenario is far more likely with the OP.

I find general chit chat takes a lot of energy from me

I also have a lot of opinions. 😂 Maybe guilty of over sharing from time to time

It sounds like you probably talk about yourself a lot and rub people up the wrong way.

Sorry didn’t mean to quote in that post.

In my opinion, it becomes much harder to make close friends once you leave school. Outside of school, friendships are mainly built on shared interests.

I don't have many friends either, and zero close friends - I get along with people OK at work, I think, but no one is interested in a friendship beyond that. I put it down to being a boring, unattractive person. I am ND and I only really click with other ND people.

On the looks thing...I would describe myself as plain. Average height and weight. No make up. Not beautiful, not ugly.