Why does no one like me?

[Avotoast9]

Name changed for this.
Please be honest, I've got a thick skin.

I don't know where I'm going wrong. I don't have very many close friends at all. I think most people see me as a bit pretentious and possibly too intense. I don't think of my self like that at all. I've always struggled to make friends within my age group. My closest friends have always been older and I've NEVER been part of the in-group or had lots of girl friends. I can't remember ever arguing with anyone or falling out over anything specific. I guess I just fall out of touch with people. Sometimes I wonder if my defenses rub people up the wrong way. One thing I would like people to know about me (but I don't always get a chance to show) is that I am fiercely loyal. I would change my plans in a heartbeat to support a friend if ever they needed me.

So yeah, ask me anything. Why in your opinion am I rubbing people up the wrong way. I don't have a problem making friends initially but they never really go anywhere. Is that normal or should I take a long hard look at myself?

If you got this far, thanks ☺️

Telling

I don't think Waterweight is being intentionally unkind, it's obviously something she feels she has experienced herself, which can't have been nice for her. Not nice to say she's being stupid either. Also, what do you mean unless and until the OP posts a photo? So if the OP did, you might say 'oh yes, it's because of your looks' ?!

You’ve name changed OP

Would be interesting and insightful to read your posting history I imagine

This is SO accurate@VoltaireMittyDream!

I don't actually need other people much, although I'd like a few friends. I mean, I DO have friends, good, close friends. But they're scattered around the world, none live near me. But none to see for a coffee or hang out with. But I'm not invested in learning about others and I guess other people can tell this.

I agree actually.
I think people can overcome it to a certain extent if they are the ones doing the dog work to keep friendships alive. But it is a thing.

It sounds like you make friends but then cool off and want them to do all the running.

My observation is that most people who post here about not having friends turn out not to be terribly interested in other people.

or they drop clangers like

“I tell it like it is” 🤔
”I am too nice” 🤔

I have got a few long term friendships (outside the UK) and I appreciate those a lot. I talk everyday with my closest friend and it's lovely, just really relaxed. I find in most circles such as work, mum groups, social groups, clubs etc. I don't seem to be able to make friends beyond acquaintances. People seem interested at first and then drift or send signals that they aren't interested in being friends which is of course fine. It doesn't bother me too much (apart from moments where I occasionally question whether I'm a really horrible person and don't realise). However, I would like to try and pinpoint it for my daughter's sake, I don't want her to be isolated or feel excluded because of me - if that even makes sense.

No. That's not true. I've got friends all over the attractiveness spectrum.

Do you really like people @Avotoast9? Do you have a real desire to be friends with people? To make a connection?

I only ask because I've got plenty of friends, but, I also have a big family and outside of my husband, my sisters are who I want to hang around with and have deep relationships with.

They're the people that really matter to me. I've got friends. And I value them and enjoy their company, and I support them in times of need and have had some amazing times with them.

But my sisters are the people I couldn't live without, and who I speak to every day. They're who give my life shape.

Sometimes it's less about what you're doing wrong and more about what you're not doing right. People typically are less concerned with quirks of your personality as how being around you makes THEM feel. People like people who make them feel good about themselves and who give them a nice time in their company. They like interest shown in their lives and opinions and to be listened to. They like a positive atmosphere and a willingness to do things with them that they want to do, discuss subjects that interest them and so on. The trick is to do as much of those things as you can around others, then when you have a pool of people interested in you as a friend, you develop friendship with those who reciprocate.

People seem interested at first and then drift or send signals that they aren't interested in being friends

That's exactly my experience.

I think I'm misreading some of the signs and signals (now I'm older and don't really have any friends!).

People like you enough initially so there's nothing about you that is immediately off putting but it doesn't progress further.

I would also consider neurodivergence if I were you. It's missed a lot in girls and women and it's really only when women question why they're OK people but don't have friends, loyal and loving but can't sustain/manage a relationship or are intelligent and highly educated but can't manage full time work or a professional career and start to ask why that is that it's finally investigated. All of those were definitely the case for me.

I think a lot of it boils down to whether people enjoy your company. And do you enjoy their company. Is the conversation 2-way? I’ve let some people go as friends because I didn’t enjoy conversation ruth them. I felt like they were talking at me and they were terrible listeners.

So you do have friends
indeed a best friend you speak every day to

I'm reporting your post, there's no need to call a poster stupid for sharing their lived experience. I have no doubt that poster has experienced that.

Lots of people are shallow enough to judge others and of course that informs friendships.

I found this post really upsetting.
I know we live in a very materialistic and superficial world but if people base friendship on looks then really what is the point of anything?

Some people are warm and friendly and come over as really liking everyone. Most people I know aren't (not that they're unfriendly, they just don't exude that shiny warmth) but I find it interesting when I meet people who are. Sometimes they turn out to be very anxious people, who are masking.

I'm friendly, but not always openly so. I'm a serious person, though I have a sense of humour. I don't like feeling vulnerable so I am wary of showing deep feelings. I also secretly fear rejection though no one, other than my DH, knows that.

My experience is you have to put out to get back - it's not a case of people deciding they don't like you (though some might not but possibly the feeling is mutual). I have literally had phases where I act the part of a gregarious person and have then made friends because of this. When I'm 'acting' it feels natural, it's just not something I can sustain all the time.

I do have quite a few friends, however, many very long term. I make the effort to match their energy - suggest a meet up if they did so the last time, etc. I also accept people as they are - they may have irritating faults (dont we all!) but I'll keep seeing them if overall I enjoy their company. I won't keep going with someone who shows little respect or interest though.

I don't know if any if this chimes with you OP. Do you really like other people? Do you enjoy being in company (I do but as a semi extraverted introvert, I need time alone after a while)? Do you meet people where you have common values and a shared understanding of life in general, rather than just common interests?

@Avotoast9 I think you just need to find the right groups for you - I’m not originally from the UK and I really struggled with that.

Last year I decided to focus more in building friendships and it was very hit or miss. Eventually I landed on a group a city over that’s full of lovely women. The women’s group in my town is full of catty women stirring up drama, for instance.

You couldn’t pay me enough to join a mum’s group. My hot take is that being a mum isn’t enough to be friends with someone unless you make it your whole personality.

No one called anyone stupid, they said it was a stupid post.

That poster is just pointing out that people can be judgemental and shallow. Which they can, sadly.

I would look at the possibility that you are autistic. I would do a free online test and see if it indicates you might be. Then go to your GP. It could help you unlock an understanding of yourself.

OP, as a person with (what used to be called) Asperger's Syndrome, I recommend doing the Sacha Baron Cohen online test - I think you'll score pretty highly!

all. I think most people see me as a bit pretentious and possibly too intense.

a bit pretentious?

I have a friend who is autistic and honestly, she's just so intense and also depressing. I realised the other day, literally every single time I've asked how she is, over the 15 years I've known her, she has always responded negatively.

She is thoughtful and kind but I feel pressure from our interactions. She's just sent me another card (not a birthday or anniversary or anything) and I feel it's claustrophobic.

Is there any way you're acting a bit like that?

It’s difficult to say without speaking to you face to face. It could be anything.

I am a strong personality, I have no issue with others who are the same but if they’re very defensive and refuse to consider other opinions, or talk over me, interrupt etc then I won’t like them. I wouldn’t be rude, but we wouldn’t be besties.

people that only talk about themselves: bore off. There are two people in this conversation and we both matter. It’s great your baby was 8kb 12 and you couldn’t believe the size of him. Can I also share the size of my baby? No? We’re moving on to talk more about you? Ok then.

people that don’t share at all: argh! How am I meant to see what I have in common with you? I feel like I am just talking at you whilst you nod. I don’t want to effectively do a podcast here, I want a conversation!

lacking in intelligence means we can’t talk about big things so again you won’t be a bestie there. Lack of honesty, I can’t stand liars.

open, friendly, smiley, good sense of honour? Absolutely yes let’s see where our friendship takes us.

it’s so so hard to meet people as adults. I’m not part of a girl group either but that suits me, too much bitching. But I have lots of wonderful friends - but probably only 3 that I’d go to if my life fell apart.

Along with 99% of the poulation apparently