Why does no one like me?

[Avotoast9]

Name changed for this.
Please be honest, I've got a thick skin.

I don't know where I'm going wrong. I don't have very many close friends at all. I think most people see me as a bit pretentious and possibly too intense. I don't think of my self like that at all. I've always struggled to make friends within my age group. My closest friends have always been older and I've NEVER been part of the in-group or had lots of girl friends. I can't remember ever arguing with anyone or falling out over anything specific. I guess I just fall out of touch with people. Sometimes I wonder if my defenses rub people up the wrong way. One thing I would like people to know about me (but I don't always get a chance to show) is that I am fiercely loyal. I would change my plans in a heartbeat to support a friend if ever they needed me.

So yeah, ask me anything. Why in your opinion am I rubbing people up the wrong way. I don't have a problem making friends initially but they never really go anywhere. Is that normal or should I take a long hard look at myself?

If you got this far, thanks ☺️

I cross-posted with you - so, genuinely, how does your diagnosis help you? Has it helped you get more friends? Has it helped you find strategies that mean you can navigate social situations? Does it mean you have found peace with 'who you are' and has that (a) meant you stopped trying and just live happily or (b) made things easier for you to reach out from a place of self-acceptance? I am truly interested in understanding how a late diagnosis for someone with mild symptoms helps. All I seem to see is hindrance, but I am open to having my mind changed!

Only 30 minutes?! I'd have been pissed off at half that time. Glad you got better!

OP ,did I miss why people think you're pretentious?

Do you judge people who engage in light hearted gossip and view it as 'bad'?
Studies have shown that gossip /information sharing is generally highly valued in relationships and if you are a bit snobby and have an 'I would never gossip it's bitchy!!' vibe that won't be helping.

If you are conscious your accent isn't helping, soften it.

Being “fiercely loyal” wouldn’t be my top requirement in a friend. A sense of humour, generosity of spirit and shared interests would be important for me.

It’s interesting that you want people to know you’re loyal. It seems a bit intense.

Same here. It used to bother me when I was younger, the feeling of not fitting in, but now I'm in my 40s it doesn't really at all. I guess I've never found my tribe!

I am eye rolling at people telling the OP she is ND based on extremely scant information

That is not the same as being ableist. I’m sure you have had your struggles and I am sorry you have to go through them. That does not mean that the OP is ND though. I genuinely think she just hasn’t found ‘her people’

I get that you’re defensive, but you have twisted my opinion in to something that you can attack because of that. That’s not ok

I’m very similar and think I’m autistic. I mask and can get on with others if I’m not being myself. I’ve found a community through hobbies has filled the gap, I’ve met acquaintances rather than friends but feel much happier.
Have you tried meet up groups or apps?

I think there's a lot of truth in this.

Yes, this for me falls into the category of ‘here’s someone who doesn’t understand the nature of friendship’. I’ve certainly seen the same claim made by other posters who post about struggling with friendships, along with the ‘I’m ready to help anyone in an emergency!’ claim.

That’s just not a friendship metric for me. 99.9% of most people’s lives doesn’t involve needing emergency help, far less the fabled 3 am phonecall some people seem to see as the ultimate friend test. And if I wanted ‘fierce loyalty’ I’d probably get a large dog. if I value a friend’s loyalty, it will be way down the line, when there’s a relationship there to which they can be loyal, so their loyalty has a value. It’s not anything that would make me want to befriend someone first day.

The questions I always ask on these threads are ‘What do you bring to a potential friendship? What do you want in a friend? What kind of people are you attracted to and want in your life, and where might you be more likely to come across them?’

Im happy thanks. Already explained the original comment

Don't agree with this. I am far from good looking, but I make friends really easily and also stay in touch with people. People like me warts and all!
I wasn't in the cool gang at school, but that was such a long time ago now, I changed once I met some nicer people from another acitivity and haven't looked back since (although I am not in touch with anyone from uni still I did have good friends when I was there - that was more a matter of distance).

For the OP, what I like about people:
friendly demeanour but not OTT friendly (ie telling me their life story in 5 minutes or overly keen)
someone who listens to what you say
similar sense of humour
once I get to know them: loyal, not flaky or two faced and similar interests/outlook.

I'm definitely put off by people who aren't what they seem, are too 'fake', too interested in seeming 'cool' etc. and yes, some peole are too intense for my liking although I haven't experienced that for a while now.

I have worked with people who are probably on the spectrum, and yes, they can be awkward and not being able to 'read the room'. This definitely put people off being friends with them. I am sure a couple of my friends are on the spectrum, but I know them so well now I am used to their quirks. My DCs are neurodiverse/have MH issues but they also have good friends - you have to find your tribe somehow in life and if you miss it in your early years it is probably harder to make friends in later life.

I do tend to talk quite quickly and passionately. I also have a lot of opinions. 😂 Maybe guilty of over sharing from time to time

Are you very forthright bordering on forceful with your opinions? That can be quite off-putting. My friend’s wife is like that and I find her quite scary! I prefer to see my friend on his own and don’t really want to form a friendship with her.

The most positive thing about late diagnosis, for me, is the message that being neurodivergent doesn't make you inferior to nerotypical people, it just makes you different.
It gave me a sense of relief by explaining so much of my past and my ongoing, and frankly worsening, problems with social interaction.
My diagnosis was very recent and I'm still very much still working out where I go from here. Which is why bringing " looks" into the mix is just too daunting for me.

That's not always true.

I don’t have any friends outside of work and I don’t see my work “friends” outside of work either. I could if I initiated it though. I work public facing and I think by the end of a day I’m all peopled out. I’m terrible at keeping in touch with people too, my dad was in the forces and we moved every 3 years so I think I learned from a young age to just let people go.
I’m very close to my mum and will be spending the next 3 days with her (got a long weekend off work, hurrah)
My sister and I also have the same musical taste so we go to concerts and festivals together.

In my experience, that is absolutely 100% untrue.

Case in point, myself. I would in no world consider myself attractive. In fact, I'm pretty close to ugly. But I know I have a good personality. I've never had a single issue making, or keeping, friends. I have plenty of lovely friends, of varying levels of "attractiveness". Ranging from life-long soul sisters, to fun work mates.

I'm sorry you feel so held back by your self-esteem. That's really sad. :(

This is such a bad thing to say, and definitely not true in my experience . I went to an all girls school there were lots of pretty girls who were very shy and not popular when I was there. Plenty of not conventionally pretty girls were very popular due to confidence, outgoing personalities etc.

I don’t know why you say people don’t like you OP, there is no evidence here of that.
I like lots of my friends and acquaintances, but I am not very good at keeping in contact with people generally.

Not sure if this insight helps but I'm ND and the obvious fact is that it's harder to form friendships. However, I find myself not wanting to pursue friendships with random people for bizarre reasons that I can't quite define but will attempt to below.

The wife of a good friend is a really nice but somewhat aloof individual. There's nothing about her at all that gives the indication she's gossipy, bitchy or has other blatantly unpleasant qualities. But I somehow cannot warm to her because I get the impression she's hiding something or not being the truly genuine version of herself that her outward persona implies. I don't think it's masking as I'm ND and can easily spot other ND people and have no issues at all with that. I feel she's hiding something about herself or her past and "cosplaying" the current role as a great wife and mum to a certain extent. Either way the vibes never seem to click.

Another type of woman that I can't gel with are those who are very outspoken, liberal, social justice warrior types, however there's a hypocrisy between their political views and their personal lives. I know a few who performatively show their disgust for everything related to capitalism, patriarchy, right wing politics, Elon Musk, Trump etc. Yet their own lives are 100% being funded by their partner who is high-earning man (not necessarily right wing obviously) but still they are benefiting from peak capitalism. These women are also physically very attractive and have obviously used it to their advantage to attract a partner who will fund their lifestyle.

Not saying that OP fits into any of these categories but there are definitely obscure reasons why some people don't really click that aren't directly related to neurodivergence or appearance or personality.

Looks based??? What? Are you saying that unless you are good-looking, you won’t get a partner? What utter rubbish! Sorry, but if that were the case, half the population would be single!
Admittedly, first impressions are probably influenced by looks, but you surely can’t believe what you’re saying!

I am the same. Tend to speak my mind. Family calls me tactless. My only remaining friend dies two years ago. Going out and doing things that interest me at least makes acquaintances and provides things to be doing - which helps.

I’ve never based any friendship on looks. I’ve had good looking ones, plain ones, slim, overweight, tall, short etc. their looks never come in to it. I suspect that poster is projecting from how they feel about their own looks.

I think you sound lovely overtime you will make friends it may only be handful but true friends.

After leaving school, it's definitely harder to meet like-minded friends since everyone’s life and interests can be different. You really have to take the initiative to find people who share the same hobbies and passions as you.

No im saying people judge others by what they see in passing so im NOT saying there's something wrong with OP to why people "don't like her" or that she has some sort of undiagnosed Autism/ADHD