One lazy child, active siblings

[dontgoaskingme]

8 year old DS, 10 and 13 year old DD’s

Oldest and youngest are both very active and sociable, doing at least 10 different hobbies/extra curricular activities each and will happily try and take on anything new.

Middle DD isn’t sporty and is quieter,
when not at school will happily spend all time at home just relaxing or watching TV. Isn’t really interested in playing in the garden or going out for activities.
She’s just dropped swimming lessons so is now only having music lessons at school and language lessons at home with a family friend.
Any suggestion of trying something else and she just says she can’t be bothered, has tried a couple of things in the past but only lasted a couple of weeks/months before giving up.

Other DC obviously get a lot of money spent on their activities, they also get a lot of extra time and attention from them.

I think I wouldn’t worry about it so much if her siblings weren’t so busy but I feel I’m doing her a massive disservice by not making her do the same as them and worry that she will grow up with less skills and confidence than her siblings and wish we’d pushed her to do more.

Would it be unreasonable to insist she does more? At least tried 2-3 other activities and for a minimum of 6 months each?

Ywbu to try and make her do any more than she is, a language and an instrument on top of school is already a lot.

Make sure she knows the option is there, but don't try and force her or compare her to her siblings.

I have one very sporty dd who does 5 different sports and is looking at a 6th, my other dd plays piano and that's enough for her. They are different kids and that's absolutely fine.

She needs to exercise in some form daily. But don’t force organised activities on her when she’s clearly telling you that’s not what she wants. It’s such a skill to be able to relax and not need constant stimulation. One I am still trying to master myself!

10 hobbies each for your other children is extreme. I don’t think that’s the norm in most families. I think that might be colouring your view to be honest.

YABU. Maybe ask her to think of things she’d like to try, but you need to accept that not everyone likes the same things, and that it’s ok to not be sporty or athletic

You're pushing way too hard. Back off.

Two activities a week is more than enough on top of school, especially one like an instrument where she has to practice most days.

3 was too much for her. And you want her to do 4 or 5? What are you trying to to prove here, that you're the supermom?

Your child is an individual and you need to tailor your expectations to her needs and goals, not yours.

10 hobbies each for your other children is extreme. I don’t think that’s the norm in most families. I think that might be colouring your view to be honest.

It definitely is clouding my judgement.
It works for them thoughand they’re benefiting from them so have no reason to make them drop anything.
I’m worried that they get a lot more time and money spent on them and are gaining skills and opportunities that dd is not.

I’m not saying she does 10+ just a couple.

10 hobbies is a lot. An instrument and a language is more than I ever did. Some kids just aren't outdoorsy! Would she enjoy some less traditional hobbies she can do at home, that are still relaxing? I play a lot of board games (I don't mean Monopoly, there are 1000's of board games and a range of styles and complexities). They're very interactive, social, and great for your brain. I play at a local pub twice a week, and I've made tons of equally nerdy friends from it lol. Or miniature painting? Creative writing?

Would she enjoy something like baking, or learning to crochet? She can crochet as she watches TV.

Some people will just never be sporty or enjoy the outdoors much. As long as she's getting some exercise in, I wouldn't force her to play a sport or etc. I'd have absolutely hated that as a kid.

You are doing her a disservice by calling her lazy. As an OT, I don't believe in the term "lazy". I believe in poor motivation, difficulties with specific activities or with social engagement. I believe in having different priorities and interests. I believe in difficulties with acquiring new skills and fears around that. I believe in simply feeling tired and overwhelmed with the demands that school already places on a child, in needing more rest/sleep time than what is expected of a person of their age. But I don't believe in "lazy".

Your child is not lazy.

That's pretty mean to be calling her when she's not the problem.

How on earth are your other DC doing 10+ hobbies?
She's doing enough, just make sure she gets some exercise.

It wasn’t that doing swimming as well was too much more her, she just outgrew the need for it. Older DD also dropped it at the same age.

She’s isn’t exhausted or stressed.

When would you even have time for her to have 10 hobbies as well?

Why not spend some money taking her out for the odd day, cinema, bowling or whatever she wants to do.

You could also set some money aside for her, what you would spend on hobbies, so if she develops an interest later on in art or photography or something you have cash there for her to spend on equipment.

I believe in poor motivation, difficulties with specific activities or with social engagement

Which is what I’m worried about.
I want to increase her motivation, ability in different activities and social engagement.

Has she any other problems? How is she at school ? Is she able at sports? Is she happy?

One of mine has dyspraxia and absolutely hates most sports which is fair enough because she struggles at them. We looked together and she does swimming and a special fundamental movement skills class for dyspraxia. Otherwise I make sure we walk and she has even learnt how to cycle a bike.

Also scouts - great, lots of differently abled kids here.

But basically I’d make sure she is getting exercise yes but not in a forceful way that makes her feel bad.

What about guides? Or something like an art class?

Are you worry dd might get overlooked due to all the activities the others do?

I have a relatively inactive middle child. Luckily we do a family sport that we all go to 3 times a week so they take part in that

As long as she is active and playing outside daily or some kind of daily movement I wouldn't worry too much

This!

No, it's not typical to do 10 activities outside of school. It's also normal to go to school, have to do music and language lessons and want to bloody relax the rest of the time. Being called lazy is inaccurate and a really negative way for a parent to perceive and think about their own child. What activities do you do OP?

How on earth do you fit in 10+ hobbies per child?
Do your children ever have time to do school work or just play/ hang out with their friends?

I wouldn't worry about your daughter "only" doing 2 extra organised activities a week. I would, however, worry about the amount the other two are doing.

I didn’t mean lazy as an insult.

But she is by definition lazy (disinclined to activity or exertion) especially compared to her siblings who are very active and always wanting to do something.

How do you even fit 10 hobbies in a week!? Anyway an instrument and a language is plenty. Exercise is important but just going for a walk is fine it doesn’t need to be an organised activity.

She is not lazy and you shouldn't be labeling her that. Some children are interested in sport and some are not. She is doing enough already. At that age my DDs did netball, DS did netball and football after school club nothing outside of school. One DD didn't do any as she wasn't sporty she would be happy reading, writing and drawing. That is not a problem.

Stop comparing her to her siblings, can you imagine how she feels hearing that she's not quite as good as them.

But you can't increase it by force. You need to understand what specific difficulties she is having and back chain.

My step daughter has social anxiety. Her father thinks the best way to deal with it is to force encourage her to try new sports. This always ends in disaster. Why? Because social anxiety is centered around the fear of looking stupid/inept in front of other people. A brand new unfamiliar sport in a team setting is exactly the worst thing you can do to a child with social anxiety. Instead, we need to back chain it i.e. find an activity she already excels at and is interested in and then introduced a social element to it. She is much happier in an astronomy club and an art class. But does her dad listen? Does he fuck. He still forces her to try a new sport by booking her into a club "just to give it a go".

The disservice is you labelling her as lazy!

Ask her what she wants to do. Put the money you spend on the others into savings for her. She may want to do an expensive sport later on.

But she is by definition lazy (disinclined to activity or exertion)
Does she walk to and from school? Does she get out at least once each weekend day?

especially compared to her siblings who are very active and always wanting to do something
Im not sure 10 hobbies per week on top of school is something to strive for to be honest.

10+ hobbies??? I feel knackered just thinking about it!

my ex used to accuse me of over scheduling the kids, but even with activities every day, I didn’t get to 10.

are these all weekly activities? I had 1 hyper active kid so can see why it might work for some, but even so, it seems a lot.

is this need for lots of classes coming from the kids or you?

I think you need to give you middle child a break - she isn’t lazy and down time is important