One lazy child, active siblings

[dontgoaskingme]

8 year old DS, 10 and 13 year old DD’s

Oldest and youngest are both very active and sociable, doing at least 10 different hobbies/extra curricular activities each and will happily try and take on anything new.

Middle DD isn’t sporty and is quieter,
when not at school will happily spend all time at home just relaxing or watching TV. Isn’t really interested in playing in the garden or going out for activities.
She’s just dropped swimming lessons so is now only having music lessons at school and language lessons at home with a family friend.
Any suggestion of trying something else and she just says she can’t be bothered, has tried a couple of things in the past but only lasted a couple of weeks/months before giving up.

Other DC obviously get a lot of money spent on their activities, they also get a lot of extra time and attention from them.

I think I wouldn’t worry about it so much if her siblings weren’t so busy but I feel I’m doing her a massive disservice by not making her do the same as them and worry that she will grow up with less skills and confidence than her siblings and wish we’d pushed her to do more.

Would it be unreasonable to insist she does more? At least tried 2-3 other activities and for a minimum of 6 months each?

Big*

When do your DC get to play with their friends, do homework?

Homework is always done, they're all doing well at school.
DS at the moment mostly only sees friends at school or activities but he's 8 so think that is quite normal, he still has lots of friends and is sociable.
13 year old goes out shopping, for lunch and has sleepovers with friends.

Are you sure you're not seeing you're own definition of happiness in her though.

I am happiest by myself. Reading a book, playing computer games, building Lego. Time spent myself, doing my own thing. I love DP, I love DD. I love spending time with my friends. But the times I am happiest, I'm alone.

Maybe your DD is the same, and you just don't recognise that.

WHY do you think she needs to do more? You've not articulated that at all.

What about when they are all adults and applying for jobs, uni, dating ect and her siblings have lots of skills, confidence and experiences to talk about and she doesn’t?
DD has had paid opportunities from her activities, DS gets to travel for his.
I’m worried she’s going to look back and think I wish mum/dad made me do some of those things and not just let me sit at home all day or resent the time and money that was spent on her siblings.

Maybe she’s a different personality who doesn’t enjoy a lot of socialising and finds it stressful, whereas the other two are naturally more outgoing so enjoy it and choose to do things? They may be more extrovert so enjoy activities rather than being more extrovert because they do activities. You can offer her opportunities, but if she chooses not to, you need to respect her choices. And as has been suggested, maybe just do the odd fun thing as a one off with no ulterior motives.

10 is definitely a bit much.

Maybe just accept your child prefers a chilled life.
Ds 1 used to do swimming and cubs. ( now adult)
Dd 1 did guides , swimming , choir, drama ( now none as likes to go out with friends or all chill here )
Dd 2 choir, gymnastics , dance.
Ds beavers.

They've all tried various things from swimming, football, tennis , art club , dance , beavers, cubs , scouts , cross country.

I think some people thrive on lots of activities, other people need more down time, other people do the one hobby to a greater depth etc.

Absolutely this!!

People are different and enjoy different things.

Your DD is not like you and her siblings and thats ok.
I’m sure as they get older they will all have similarities and differences to you and each other.

Poor children! I would hate to have had parents who wanted me to, or let me, do so much stuff in a week! Reading the list, I couldn’t believe my eyes! I’m not exactly saying you are forcing them, but it would be in their interests both mentally and physically if you were to ease up a bit!

She’ll gain A MILLION times more confidence if you accept and celebrate her for who she is not pushing her into activity

To me she’s spending too much time doing nothing.
She has instrument lesson during school time and around half an hour a week sat with a relative in the dining room.

I would like her to be more confident, more active, find things she's interested in, enjoys and is good at.

What sort of activities do the children do? Maybe something crafty might be better?

Those hobby lists are absolutely hilarious. Must be a piss take

PP have said a lot of the thoughts that pop into my head.

But I think it's also worth pointing out that presumably all of your DC are going to school and living in a home with other people and that affects us all differently. I've always been very introverted, fairly socially anxious and sensitive to stimuli (particularly sound) I can't control. I loved the academic side of school but I came home every day feeling completely drained. All I wanted to do was be in a calm environment I could control and decompress - this got progressively worse as I moved up in school. My siblings weren't like that and my parents didn't understand this and I didn't have a way explain it because I was a kid and also didn't have any conscious awareness of that specific individual need. But taking a nap after school or going off by myself to read or watch television was actually productive for me because I was meeting my own needs.

Children in general actually have very little control over their environment or activities for the majority of their waking hours compared to adults - as adults we get to choose our jobs, set our own schedules to varying extents, and pick our living environments and set norms within them but children and teens usually only have a few hours per day (if that) that are theirs to shape in that way.

Make the resources and support available to your DC and let them figure out what works for them.

can she play out in your neighbourhood? Would she enjoy going for a bike ride or a walk with you in the evenings?

what does she do when she is not watching telly? Does she draw or read or what kind of thing does she like?

Save her third of the budget for her to have as an adult if you are concerned about financial inequality - that is pretty straightforward!

Zero to three hobbies outside school is the norm, ten sounds as if your other children will be heading into burnout at some point sooner rather than later (unless you are counting things like "they sometimes draw a picture, about once a fortnight" in the hobbies total).

i inwardly groaned when you said be more active.

i was the unsporty person in a family of sporty people growing up. I didn’t want to be more active! I hated the cold and the wet and the sweat and the movement! I wanted people to stop applying their likes to things they thought I should like!

No job I have ever applied for, or person I have dated, has given a shit about the hobbies I had as a kid. I was very quiet as a child, and pushing me to be more outgoing made me more awkward and less outgoing. I matured at my own rate. I have a few hobbies these days - less then half of your kids, and you know what - I'm successful, married, and happy.

She's TEN, and she's happy as she is - leave her be! You can't MAKE someone more confident by forcing them to do stuff (it has the opposite effect), and she HAS ALREADY found stuff she enjoys and is good at! She's not like you, and she's not like her siblings, but she's fine as she is.

Yes, it would be unreasonable to insist that she does more. Downtime is important, and putting pressure on her to perform to the same level as her siblings will have a negative impact on her confidence. Your children are all individuals and they're bound to not enjoy the same things.

Please don't force your middle DD to do activities that she has no interest in! I was the 'lazy' child (doing at least one, if not more, after-school activity for six days a week) and, while my sibling wanted to do more, I got to 16 and dropped EVERYTHING. It was blissful! I am a non-sporty, non-team playing introvert and most of my energy went on surviving school. The only downtime I had was when going to sleep.

She does music lessons and language lessons. Perhaps she is not a sporty child and leans more to artistic tendencies instead. She might enjoy one-off art classes, trips to the theatre or other things that her siblings might hate. Celebrate her for who she is, not who you think she should be.

But why SHOULD she? What makes you the decider on how many hobbies a person should have?

To be honest, 10 hobbies per child is ridiculous. Do they ever just get quiet time to play, chill, breath??? It’s absolutely NOT normal.

OP this is completely insane.

She is not lazy. She’s 10 years old and doing an extra curricular instrument and language!

When I was 10 my only ‘extra curricular’ activity was Brownies/Guides. If I hadn’t enjoyed it, then my mum wouldn’t have made me go. That didn’t do me any damage, I had time to think, play, be a kid. I’ve been to Oxbridge, have a great career, and no one ever asked me whether I did parkour age 10. I say that as I suspect these are the sorts of things you’re interested in. Whether I’d done further education or not, whatever job I did or didn’t have, I would hope my parents were happy as long as I was happy.

The only thing likely to harm her is you calling her lazy, comparing her to her siblings, and already judging her choices when she is only 10 years old.

Ok, so that's what you'd like her to do. But you didn't answer the question. "WHY does she she need to more?"

I went to Oxford followed by a very successful career at the top of finance of the sort parents tend to want for their children and I basically did no extracurricular activities except one private drama class and lots of reading. Plenty of people did loads of extracurricular at my private girls school and they did unchallenging careers or didn’t have them at all. I wouldn’t assume the two have much correlation.