One lazy child, active siblings

[dontgoaskingme]

8 year old DS, 10 and 13 year old DD’s

Oldest and youngest are both very active and sociable, doing at least 10 different hobbies/extra curricular activities each and will happily try and take on anything new.

Middle DD isn’t sporty and is quieter,
when not at school will happily spend all time at home just relaxing or watching TV. Isn’t really interested in playing in the garden or going out for activities.
She’s just dropped swimming lessons so is now only having music lessons at school and language lessons at home with a family friend.
Any suggestion of trying something else and she just says she can’t be bothered, has tried a couple of things in the past but only lasted a couple of weeks/months before giving up.

Other DC obviously get a lot of money spent on their activities, they also get a lot of extra time and attention from them.

I think I wouldn’t worry about it so much if her siblings weren’t so busy but I feel I’m doing her a massive disservice by not making her do the same as them and worry that she will grow up with less skills and confidence than her siblings and wish we’d pushed her to do more.

Would it be unreasonable to insist she does more? At least tried 2-3 other activities and for a minimum of 6 months each?

We've are you and her dad like wrt activities? Are you both active and gregarious and this child is the odd one out?

My mum is a social butterfly and can't sit still or shut up unless she's asleep. It's exhausting. I'm more like my dad in that I need a lot of down time and rest. I can't socialise more than once or twice a week after work, it's too much after a full day.

I think it's quite telling that you are doubling down on how lazy she is.
Stop comparing her to her siblings. She is her own person.
A couple of hobbies is plenty for 99% of people. Perhaps she could pick up painting or crochet whilst she relaxes?
What happens when one or both parents are carting her siblings to and from every activity under the sun? What does she do then?

I'm not suggesting she should do the same as older kids, I know they do a lot, just that she should do more

When do the children get a chance to a relax. Or just play a game and spend family time?

Is it possible she's not trying stuff because she knows full well she won't be able to "compete" with her siblings - no matter how much she does, she won't be doing as much as them. In her shoes I would also be doing what she's going, ie not much, as trying to be like your siblings in a race you can never win would be soul destroying.

As an aside, I did loads as a kid, and you know what, I wish I'd learned the value of being happy just enjoying doing not much rather than feeling like I have to be constantly doing stuff.

Just let her be a child and if she wants to sit and read, let her. They are children.

Why though?

But why? Why should she do more?

I think you are potentially creating a massive issue here for her in the future by comparing her so much to her siblings and calling her lazy.

Totally agree with this.

What 10 hobbies are each of the other children doing? How are they balancing that breadth of activities with depth? With academics? With socialising and just being?

A 10 year old doing school, an instrument and a language sounds pretty normal. I bet she also does other things and has other interests - instead of labelling her as lazy, why not find something positive to think about her? Because she's going to be aware what you think of her and that's going to have lasting effects for her and for her relationship with you.

But why should she? Where is this should coming from and who dictates that? Is there a required baseline of activities for a child?
OP, I mean well when I say be very very careful about how you express yourself with your children. I work with young adults with chronic health conditions which require careful management of activities and a lot of them really struggle with internalised stigma of being perceived as lazy or feeling like they can't manage recovery protocols because they "should" be productive all the time. And 99% of the time it's because of how they were brought up.

Have you tried asking her what she'd like to do? Or sitting together and goggling local art classes (for example)

Calling her lazy is unfair and unkind though...some kids need downtime after school. There's nothing wrong with that.

If it's the disparity in money being spent that worries you, can you open a bank account for her to access when she's older and put the equivalent money into that?

Not all of siblings activities/hobbies are sports or particularly active.
Eldest dd also takes art and creative writing classes and is teaching herself to crochet.
DS does another another language + sign language and yoga.

She has a quieter personality. Using the word lazy to describe her is offensive.

have you suggested things like art classes? Perhaps she would like to try calligraphy? What about a science camp?

or perhaps not everything needs to be an organized activity and she should be encouraged to find and explore her passions independently. My daughter enjoys art. Honestly, they reach an age where the art classes outside of school are limited. They are too old and too skilled for what is offered to children and too young to be accepted into the adult classes. So we buy her good supplies and got her a quality drawing tablet.

I think the first thing you need to do is stop comparing your children. They are people with their own likes and dislikes.

Shes doing plenty. Leave her be before you drive a wedge between her and her siblings/you.

I also of course don't call her lazy to her face and am at the moment not forcing her to do anything.
I do suggest things and encourage her to try things but when's she's wanted to quit I have let her.

I'm the most introverted of all my siblings and also grown up to be the most successful. Leave her be.

As a kid my older brother used to do at least two sports clubs a day (as an adult he does an hour and a half cycling commute a day plus an hour in the gym on top). I do zero exercise - and as a kid I spent most of my evenings just staring at the wall or ceiling and daydreaming

Jesus wept. Just leave her alone. Is isn't her siblings so why do you expect her to have the same type of interests and likes they do?

I think 10+ hobbies per child must be a total overstatement, can you clarify?

Are you not equally concerned child number 1 and 3 will grow up unable to entertain themselves or be able to fill the 'quiet' hours without having scheduled activities every 5 minutes, @dontgoaskingme ?

I genuinely would love to know how you juggle 22 activities per week between your 3 children and have time for more?
We struggled when our youngest two did two activities each (about 5 sessions per week each). We felt our family time really suffered. Luckily their chosen sports had defined seasons so we had some time.

Poor kid.

OP, I know you mean to do the best by all your children and you want nothing but the best for them and their futures.

But you have to parent the children you have, not the ones you think you have. Your middle child isn't driven. She's not like your other two. She doesn't have to be. She's not lesser, she's not lazy, she's not failing to try, she just isn't a driven person.

It's hard not to be the kind of kid your parents want. Love her and accept her. Facilitate her interests if she expresses them but don't try and push her. It will only undermine her sense of self worth.

I have 3 dc and they all liked different busy-ness levels.

Dd1 did about 1 thing per night. What she did she stuck to, so she did some thing right the way from 3-18yo.
Dd2 would have filled every evening with one activity followed by another if time/finances had allowed. But she was much more inclined to drop one in favour of another.
Ds I told him he had to do something and he chose one. He did end up really going for that one - at one point he was doing 15 hours a week with it, and now is applying to uni with something associated with it.
But even if something else he was interested in came up, he didn't really want to do it. He would have happily been at home all evening every evening except thing one thing that he would happily tell you I "forced" him to do.

I would do one of two things.
Either do as I did with ds, give a long list of things and say she has to choose one. Ds chose his purely on the basis it was only an hour and close to home. When he moaned (when he first started) I said I was happy for him to change, but he had to do something.
Or just let her do what she wants. She may feel that she can't compete with her siblings and so it's easier not to try. Or she may genuinely like being at home and doing her own thing.
As long as she's happy it doesn't really matter.

You have 2 children doing 10 activities each a week?

Are they unable to entertain themselves, when do they ever get any downtime?