One lazy child, active siblings

[dontgoaskingme]

8 year old DS, 10 and 13 year old DD’s

Oldest and youngest are both very active and sociable, doing at least 10 different hobbies/extra curricular activities each and will happily try and take on anything new.

Middle DD isn’t sporty and is quieter,
when not at school will happily spend all time at home just relaxing or watching TV. Isn’t really interested in playing in the garden or going out for activities.
She’s just dropped swimming lessons so is now only having music lessons at school and language lessons at home with a family friend.
Any suggestion of trying something else and she just says she can’t be bothered, has tried a couple of things in the past but only lasted a couple of weeks/months before giving up.

Other DC obviously get a lot of money spent on their activities, they also get a lot of extra time and attention from them.

I think I wouldn’t worry about it so much if her siblings weren’t so busy but I feel I’m doing her a massive disservice by not making her do the same as them and worry that she will grow up with less skills and confidence than her siblings and wish we’d pushed her to do more.

Would it be unreasonable to insist she does more? At least tried 2-3 other activities and for a minimum of 6 months each?

And she does at the moment end up doing quite a bit of coming and watching siblings do their hobbies.

Ok so this needs to stop.

Take your time outside work.
Divide it equally between your children. Dc 2 needs to get her share of your time and attention that isn't dominated by her siblings clubs. She sounds so overlooked.

She's not got space to develop interests of her own because she's squashed between more dominant siblings who demand more.

Take a step back and be the parent - create space & time in your busy busy lives for her

Well, you need to demonstrate to her that you love her and see those qualities. Because if a bunch of strangers on the internet are able to spot the lack of parity of esteem, she's going to pick up on it too.

If she's coming with you to drop off a sibling at a class, engage with her and use that class time to enjoy 1:1 time with her, doing something that interests her. If she likes reading, you could have a mother-daughter book club and go to a cafe to read, have a hot chocolate and discuss your books. If she likes art (colouring counts - she's 10), you could bring art supplies, or go out to a park to collect natural collage materials. If she likes cooking, use the time to buy ingredients for recipes or to pick new recipes to try together. She needs an equal share in your time and energy.

I appreciate you want what's best for your child - we all do. But each child is different and your parenting (in my experience - I'm no expert!) has to be tailored to each one. My loft and garage are full of various sporting equipment from hobbies my children have shown an interest in - I will bend over backwards to accommodate any requests for activities / sports they show an interest in. One of my boys though, mostly wants 'home days'. I'll make sure we get fresh air taking the dog out and exploring etc, but what he actually wants to do is potter at home. He loves trains, building things, cuddling up to watch a film etc. and he's happiest doing those things. One of my boys competes nationally with a sport, another travels around the country doing Warhammer and paintball and the other practically lives on his bike. They're all fantastic, well rounded kids and I'm equally proud of them. I'd never force my little home body out of his comfort zone - just encourage and be guided by him. Your middle child's wants/needs are no less valid than your others'. With regards to opportunities further down the line, you may find things change in their teens. And while I completely agree a confident, person that can show various interests may be at an advantage, it isn't necessarily a predictor for later success.

It sounds like you're trying to do what's best for your child and would support anything they wanted to do - but try not to let your frustration with their contentment for a quieter life affect your relationship with them or their childhood.
..

Having confidence in yourself means that you don’t feel like you have to do an enormous list of things to be interesting or acceptable to others. You keep saying it’s about how confident or interesting she’s going to be, but it does seem a totally unnecessary pressure you’re putting on a 10 year old.

Life is not a race or a competition. She is 10.

You don’t seem interested in listening to the overwhelming responses of “leave her alone” despite apparently coming here to ask what people think. Maybe she’ll get bored of the tv and her drive to do something will come from inside her instead of feeling pressured and then needing to decompress with tv.

What I actually want to say is "Leave the poor child alone"!

She's different to you and her two siblings - that doesn't mean that there's anything wrong with her. She does two activities and will also engage in reading, walking, crafting etc

My son would spend hours on you tube if you let him (we obviously limited this), but because of this, he has developed quite an intense interest in animals (in particular birds of prey and reptiles) - He has an almost encyclopaedic knowledge of some species and is going to do a degree in zoology - is this not a legitimate interest or hobby? I would argue that it is.

When she was 12, my eldest dd did so much I lost count and was exhausted - two instruments, wind band, guides, athletics, ballet, swimming........ She eventually gave up the while lot and was actually only still doing ballet by year 11/12

Your middle dd is different to you. That doesn't mean that she is lazy (what an awful way to label your child!), nor does it mean that she is missing out as long as you haven't stopped her from doing something she might enjoy.

With respect, please leave her alone! just because she doesn't spend every waking minute of every day doing something different, doesn't mean that there's anything wrong with her - she's probably exhausted coping with school (not always easy for introverts, even if neurotypical these days), her own activities and watching what you and her siblings do, without being made to do something else as well. If you continue to label her as "lazy" and "diffferent" to you and her siblings, you will damage her self esteem and cause mental health problems

The piano and ballet and clarinet classes I took when younger benefited me not one iota. I loved to read and that's all I wanted to do. Both my older and younger siblings were much more sporty then me. Had it made a big difference in their lives? No. One is still pretty active but other than that neither are any more skilled or confident than me (in fact the reverse is true).

Calling her lazy is horrible! She doesn't seem lazy to me. Just doesn't want a mad amount of expensive hobbies. Extra curricular activities to this extent aren't likely to mean someone will become an athlete or musician. It's setting up for difficulty in later life when you don't have the money all the time and have to entertain yourself.

Then reduce the screen time and do those things with her?
I can't imagine she loves traipsing all over the place with her siblings. She's probably tired.

I’m not surprised your “kind, friendly, calm, funny, easygoing, patient, honest, responsible” dd doesn’t want to inflict more hobbies on the family. The excess of hobbies and activities doesn’t make the siblings more interesting, or more talented, it comes across as somewhat hyperactive and lacking any time for introspection. I wouldn’t be surprised if your middle dd did more if her siblings did less. Maybe the only way your middle dd gets your attention is by not doing things, rather than doing an infinite variety.

As a matter of interest, what do you actually do with your other two children, besides ferry them to their activities and let them get on with activities they do in their own time?

If you haven't read "Quiet" by Susan Cain. Please do.
For a lot of us, neurotypical introverts, being around other people all day is just draining in itself, so we then need significant periods of time without interacting with others, to re-charge.
That's not to say we dislike other people, don't have a sense of humour, lack confidence, or can't interact politely and sociably. You wouldn't necessarily know by looking at a group who is an introvert as most of us just crack-on and do what's expected/required, including joining-in at school, but it is REALLY draining to be interacting with others all day. None of my teachers would have described me as "an introvert", but I am one.
I'm not saying the OP's child is an introvert, I don't know her, but assuming for a moment that she is, her age might make it difficult to articulate how she's feeling beyond "I'm tired". This is difficult for people who are more extroverted to understand, because being around other people buoys them up. The book explains it much better than I can do here.

Get her into horses. That’ll get rid of all your free time and the money you’re desperate to spend

A lot of extra curricular activities are a great way to avoid interaction with your children. 10 a week is ridiculous

I think posters who are suggesting OP's other children must be miserable or will grow up to have horrible adult lives are being unfair. It's true that middle DD is likely an introvert and deserves to have that respected, but if OP wants to and is able to support the extracurricular for the two extroverts, that's fine too. There's no evidence that they aren't enjoying it, and the activities are varied. It's not like she's forcing them to play one sport for forty hours a week (which is a training commitment some elite athlete tweens do have, mad as it sounds).

Completely agree with @TunnocksOrDeath.

I'm an introvert. You probably wouldn't know it if you met me because I'm pretty friendly and sociable at work. By the time I get home I am absolutely drained especially if I have been 'people-ing' a lot. I honestly feel like the blood has drained from my body. On really bad days I need to go and lie down and close my eyes.

It's nothing to do with not having energy or being lazy. It's to do with how your brain processes information.

Introverts recharge their energy by spending time quietly on their. Extroverts recharge energy by bouncing off other people. I s not difficult to understand, The extroverts I know seem unable to cope with being on their own or entertaining themselves.

EDS/Hypermobility is also very common (especially in families with professional dancers/trainers) - that can cause a huge amount of pain, weakness and constant tiredness or reluctance to do even more physical things all of the time due to the sheer effort involved in doing ordinary things like standing, sitting upright or walking.

@NeverDropYourMooncup It's a massive leap to diagnose someone with EDS based on them being a bit introverted. There's no evidence of that at all. In fact, few professional dancers have EDS as significant health problems aren't compatible with being a working dancer. It's mostly benign hypermobility.

Not diagnosing, it's just something else that could be considered rather than the OP 'diagnosing' her as embarrassingly lazy.

@NeverDropYourMooncup Except there is zero evidence of it. Why suggest that there is a major health condition in the picture based on zero evidence?

I’m honestly amazed at the number of people criticising the OP for having busy, active children! Obviously if her middle one is more introverted then she should support hobbies and interests that meet her needs and not force her into more activity, but posters saying she’s keeping her kids busy to avoid them is horrible! Just like some people are introverted, some people function better when busy! I have a MH condition that doesn’t respond well at all to rest and relaxation - I’m a much happier and more functional person when busy and active! Many people are. I’ve got friends who spend their weekends with their kids having “lazy days” and “cosy days” and it makes my teeth itch, it wouldn’t suit our family at all. Doesn’t make it wrong for them! I’m sure our busy days would set them on edge too. Maybe the OP just has very different children!

You've used the Internet before, haven't you? It's a suggestion - it is possible that a less active kid from a very active family where at least some have a job that almost demands hypermobility could be hypermobile and experiencing discomfort/tiredness compared to others in the family who don't. It's better than assuming everything is a character flaw or personality type.

One of my brothers loved karate, judo and swimming - another did football and cricket. The siblings who had no interest in such things and preferred to not do loads of stuff were the ones with the hypermobile joints.

And maybe the OP needs to accept that her children are all very different, and also consider whether her middle child gets more attention from her mother when she does nothing, so if that’s what she craves, then where is the incentive to do hobbies? Additionally, if there are already a lot of tiresome car journeys ferrying children to and from activities, some of which the middle dd has to be taken on aswell, the OP could consider whether her middle child wants to add yet more tiresome journeys to and from activities into the mix, or whether she feels there isn’t actually the capacity to fill everyone’s time with a whole different set of interests and activities, so to enable her siblings to be supremely busy, she has learnt to just go with the flow, like a typical middle child.

I can accept that my children are different and need different things.
Again I was never suggesting that dd2 should be doing as much as her siblings or even be doing anything as sociable.

I thought it might benefit her to do more and to be pushed a bit but obviously I was wrong and will leave her be for now.

@dontgoaskingme I presume she doesn't have a serious undiagnosed connective tissue disorder as someone was suggesting, OP?

I'm not sure why posters think suggesting this kind of thing is helpful.

@verysmellyjelly

No, i have no idea where that suggestion came from.
She is not in any pain or struggling physically which is preventing her from wanting to do more activities.
Obviously I wouldn't have suggested she do more if it she was in pain.

Why, @dontgoaskingme?

It sounds as if she is simply different to her siblings - and I can’t see what is wrong with that. Some people do lots of activities - and need to do lots of activities - but others don’t. That doesn’t mean that the latter are deficient or lazy - and I have to agree with the posters who have said that calling her lazy is not on - it is a very judgemental and pejorative term.

You need to talk to her and try to understand her - and that means setting aside all your judgements and thoughts that she is just lazy - and find out what interests her, what she enjoys, what she might be anxious about, or might be stopping her trying new activities, and then you can see if there are some new activities she wants to try, or suggest some for her. But she needs to know you won’t be judging the things she enjoys doing (especially if they aren’t as active as her siblings), and that, if she isn’t enjoying something, she can stop.

It may just be that she hasn’t yet found her ‘thing’, and when she does, she will fly.