One lazy child, active siblings

[dontgoaskingme]

8 year old DS, 10 and 13 year old DD’s

Oldest and youngest are both very active and sociable, doing at least 10 different hobbies/extra curricular activities each and will happily try and take on anything new.

Middle DD isn’t sporty and is quieter,
when not at school will happily spend all time at home just relaxing or watching TV. Isn’t really interested in playing in the garden or going out for activities.
She’s just dropped swimming lessons so is now only having music lessons at school and language lessons at home with a family friend.
Any suggestion of trying something else and she just says she can’t be bothered, has tried a couple of things in the past but only lasted a couple of weeks/months before giving up.

Other DC obviously get a lot of money spent on their activities, they also get a lot of extra time and attention from them.

I think I wouldn’t worry about it so much if her siblings weren’t so busy but I feel I’m doing her a massive disservice by not making her do the same as them and worry that she will grow up with less skills and confidence than her siblings and wish we’d pushed her to do more.

Would it be unreasonable to insist she does more? At least tried 2-3 other activities and for a minimum of 6 months each?

Shes completely normal, your attitude is weird.

OP, leave the poor girl alone and stop comparing her to her siblings! You aren't coming across as a good mother at all.

But I did suggest way to make it more fair re the money?

And if you don't like being called a bad mother, don't call your daughter lazy!

This!!!

I am a dance teacher but do it outside of work/take separate classes in different styles.
I go to the gym, run, sometimes do pilates or yoga classes.
I can play piano and guitar.
I like to go to the theatre and cinema.
I go rock climbing, ice skating and horse riding with DC.
I read a lot and like to write.
I can sew, make cloths for dc or things for the house
I have taken art and writing classes.
I refurbish and collect antiques
....

I'm not saying she has to be a professional athlete or never sit down just that she has some hobbies and interests

Do you honestly think boys are going to turn down dates with someone because she doesn't do enough activities?

Describing your own child as lazy is horrible. And you're a lazy parent to say that. What do you do each day, OP?

Well, that’s great, you’re doing a load of things as you enjoy them and you like being out and about and busy.

Your daughter has a different personality, different aptitudes, and by the sounds of it would rather not do a ton of hobbies. Why does she need to be the same as you? She’s an individual and her own person. I think you need to accept your daughter has a different personality and make up to you.

I agree that you should offer at least one other activity and stipulate that she needs to stick to it for at least a term. What extra activities are her friends from school doing, could she attend the same groups so at least she knows someone there? Have you though about Brownies or Scouts for her? These groups can be great, depending on the leaders, as they offer many different activities within them.

I have come to realise that people have very different energy levels. I have one child like yours who will do all the activity going. However, when we hit 10 we realised it was too much and had a one in one out policy. My other child couldn’t do as much. She’s not lazy but wired differently. My active one has friends who are no-where near as energetic and never have been. They need much more sleep and downtime.

It is easy to get swept away with activities. I have the awareness to realise that 10 is not the norm and isn’t the standard you should be comparing your middle one to. It’s fine if it works for the child and family but it isn’t a standard to aim for and lots of children wouldn’t manage it.

Parent the child you have.

It's much worse for her because clearly you and the two others are peas in a pod. If she was an only, you'd be forced to learn to parent her according to her wants and needs. But because you have two you think are doing it right, you don't.

It's essential you find some time, common ground and respect for her. When she's 'doing nothing' or being 'lazy' what is she doing? Listening to music, watching cartoons, what? Take an interest in that. She's not sitting staring at a wall, I assume.

how is yoga not active?

Your middle DD seems normal. She is not lazy, but if your other kids "need" 10 activities to be organised they are the ones with problems tbh. Frankly, you should let them entertain themselves a bit and really chill ie do nothing. They are going to have very difficult lives otherwise.

One of our children struggles socially so chooses not to do anything other than swimming however he loves drawing and making comics so we make sure he's topped up with supplies and a work station - would that work?

All kids are different.

I have one teen who has to be doing something at all times. She is an extrovert and probably has an element of ADHD. She has done every extracurricular going and can’t think of anything worse than sitting around doing nothing. She lives life to the fullest and is constantly surrounded by friends doing stuff she loves from dawn till dusk.

I have another teen who is just chill. He is super laid back, quite an introvert and has a limited social battery. He loves nothing more than quiet time at home. Going on walks, chatting with me and the dog. Doesn’t get anything out of extracurriculars. He is a peaceful, thoughtful soul. A complete homebody.

I think the fact you have 3 is clouding your judgement and the fact that you just happen to have 2 like my first teen is making you think that that is more normal. Both types are normal, and everything in between.

I was brought up in absolute poverty. Activities weren't an option even if I wanted them. Luckily, I was quite capable of occupying myself without organized activities which actually served me very well in life. I am never lonely and I am never bored and over the course of a lifetime I picked up quite a few hobbies. But even as a young adult my lack of extracurricular activities never held me back in job interviews. Every now and then a recruiter may ask me what I like doing in my spare time but certainly nobody is expecting me to launch into stories about travelling to India to become a yoga teacher or doing pole dancing twice a week. And dating as a teenager/young adult usually involves very little talking. Come on now..

Do you think your daughter won't get a job or a boyfriend because as a ten year old she didn't have a frankly excessive number of hobbies. Right.

Maybe celebrate your child for who she is instead of pressuring her to ape her hyperactive siblings.

How dare you call her lazy? You need to like your child for who she is.

OP the more you post the more you're coming across as one of those dreadful pushy mothers whose pushiness sucks the joy out of doing things. I very much doubt your MC is unaware of how you negatively view her - a normal child.

Your views are so skewed maybe you should look into doing a parenting course.

What about when they are all adults and applying for jobs, uni, dating ect and her siblings have lots of skills, confidence and experiences to talk about and she doesn’t?

How do you know she won't have things to talk about? She may very well speak articulately about literature and languages, about the issues she has read about and the ideas her reading has ignited. She might be politically engaged, interested in current affairs, knowledgeable about all manner of things - and you wouldn't have a clue because she doesn't fit the stereotype of how she 'should' be.

Honestly OP, step back and do some serious reflecting about being a good parent to ALL your children. Because you're failing with this mindset of yours.

Introverts can be sporty too! I was on a uni sports team and we were mostly introverts. Things like running or yoga can be really great ways to switch of from the noise.

I do second your recommendation for the book quiet. Genuinely life changing. I would also recommend the book how to raise an adult by Julie lythcott-Haims for a cogent argument against over scheduling kids.

Do you have a job OP? How do you fit it all in?

Sounds really excessive and pushy parenting to me.

As long as she has the same opportunities to do activities as the others then it's fine.

You need to realise that she isn't a miniature you. Not everyone needs to fill every moment. Being able to just be is an enviable life skill in my opinion.

I find it hard to believe a child has no interest in anything at all except sitting. Is it that she isn’t interested in things you consider to be acceptable hobbies?

I think you’re pushing her because of your own guilt or panic that she’ll look back and disagree with your parenting choices. You just need to be confident in your own choices.
Learning a language may help with university or jobs but it’s very unlikely unless they obtain a very high level in all their hobbies that they’re going to be putting on job applications that they used to do yoga as a teen so I don’t think that’s a legitimate concern.
things like like relaxing, self care, being happy and peaceful and comfortable in your own presence without needing to fill all your time are also important skills to learn.