One lazy child, active siblings

[dontgoaskingme]

8 year old DS, 10 and 13 year old DD’s

Oldest and youngest are both very active and sociable, doing at least 10 different hobbies/extra curricular activities each and will happily try and take on anything new.

Middle DD isn’t sporty and is quieter,
when not at school will happily spend all time at home just relaxing or watching TV. Isn’t really interested in playing in the garden or going out for activities.
She’s just dropped swimming lessons so is now only having music lessons at school and language lessons at home with a family friend.
Any suggestion of trying something else and she just says she can’t be bothered, has tried a couple of things in the past but only lasted a couple of weeks/months before giving up.

Other DC obviously get a lot of money spent on their activities, they also get a lot of extra time and attention from them.

I think I wouldn’t worry about it so much if her siblings weren’t so busy but I feel I’m doing her a massive disservice by not making her do the same as them and worry that she will grow up with less skills and confidence than her siblings and wish we’d pushed her to do more.

Would it be unreasonable to insist she does more? At least tried 2-3 other activities and for a minimum of 6 months each?

They aren’t all set weekly lessons, some they do on their own, online or when just as and when they want to for fun.

DD1
Preforming arts
Singing
Ballet
Contemporary dance
French
Piano
Horse riding
Ice skating
Art
Creative writing
Crochet

DS
Gymnastics
Parkour
Tennis
Kick-boxing
Karate
Skateboarding
French
Piano
Rock climbing

Yoga
Japanese
Sign language

If it were the case she were too shy or lacking in confidence to do activities you might have reason to worry and try to encourage her. Or if she were too unfit to do a sport then you should act. But it sounds like she just doesn't want to do more than she does already and that's fine. It's the volume of what your other children do that is unusual, not what she is doing.

@dontgoaskingme

Rather than your youngest being lazy, I would say your other children are excessively scheduled!

That's a hell of a lot on top of school and homework

With that list, I'd worry far more about the other two burning out to be honest

The way you talk about your middle child is extremely pejorative; you may not mean it to be interpreted like this but it comes across that MC is the odd one out in your family & that you're judging them negatively because of it.

Relax and let her be. Spend some time with her doing whatever she wants - your other two will have time with you ferrying them around to & supporting their 10+ hobbies. She may well feel neglected & an outsider in the family - your job is to accept her as she is and encourage & support her in her interests.

Sorry just remembered it's the middle child not the youngest, but I still think the same

mammy- shes just chillin.
every child is an individual. she is able to be content without throwing herself around and sticking her neck out.
Unhappy children make sure you know about it.Some people are happy in there own company.I think maybe you could broaden her sitting down intrests-even if just pad n paper?

I'd also be concerned they have no time for self-directed imaginative or social play.

Did she enjoy swimming? A swimming club might work IF she likes swimming and would happily do it but has outgrown the lessons. Not just for the sake of having an activity.

What I learnt far too late is that different children need different parenting.
Your middle child is not lazy. Just not interested in packing every minute with activity.
Let them know that anything they want to do will be supported. What are their interests? Would a regular trip to theatre for example be more their type of thing?

10 hobbies is ridiculous, you are doing your other children a disservice by pushing so much on them.
On the other hand; it would be great to encourage middle DD to exercise in some form, even if it is just playing with friends in the garden.

Is she happy?

I think that's the most important question here.

'Can't be bothered' is very often (not always) shorthand for 'I don't want to because.... I can't explain myself as to why because I am a child and haven't the understanding necessary to do so'...

Or because they fear the response if they're honest of course.

In my case it was because certain things hurt, and I didn't know that wasn't normal, I thought everyone else was far more stoic than me and I was therefore some sort of wimp, which was a Very Bad Thing To Be in my home.

And it was because I feared failure, because not instantly being amazing at something would result in huge pressure and a fair bit of verbal (And sometimes physical) abuse.

Because people simply decided I was a lazy article and didn't dig further, these issues carried on for the better part of 30 years, and I still struggle to get my head around the idea that I am NOT bloody lazy at all, and that it is ok to be shit at something when you first start learning how to do it!

Just to be clear I’m not saying she should be doing as much as her siblings, just that she should be doing something more. It also doesn’t have to be an intense or competitive sport either.
I would be happy for her to do a craft or cook for example

Oh, I get it!

You're one of those bosses who can't stand it and gets all twitchy when the employees aren't doing something every time you look at them and you micromanage and pile on the busy work to make sure they're not slacking off and then complain about those lazy mfers who take advantage.

You're trying to run your family like that.

I have one very active child and one not so much.
They do, however, both have several hobbies and have found different things to enjoy.
This is a hard one I think, 10+ hobbies is extreme. My 2 have 4ish and that is plenty to keep us very busy.
On the other hand, your middle child only really has 1 hobby. Music. I don’t count language tuition as a hobby.
In your shoes I would be encouraging them to try and find one other thing. Something a bit more active. They’re still pretty young. Giving up on stuff only gets worse as they get older.

How on earth do you fit all of this in? You must be exhausted never mind the children

I think she’s happy enough, she is a bit shy but wouldn’t say she is socially anxious.
But (and I know I’ve been flamed here for comparing DC but they are the only children I know well enough) her siblings seem happier, get to have more fun and have more things to be excited for. They are also more confident and able to talk to people.

When do your DC get to play with their friends, do homework?

I feel sorry for your children. It's good for children to NOT have planned activities all the time. To me your middle child sounds normal while the other ones are hyper active, or more probable trying to live up to their mum's expectations. You know we only got one life and then we'll die. Let your children be children and let them have free non organized play with friends.

She’s only 10.
She should be coming home and relaxing, spending time being a child playing or with her family.

Your other 2 seem to do way too much.
She is the norm.

Take the lead from her.
Let her know that there are opportunities and she can pick and choose as she gets older but if she doesn’t want to then that’s fine too.

Being confident is likely in part because they are comfortable in their surroundings and with their choices

In an exceptionally active family (none of my 6 have ever had 10 hobbies on the go at once) finding your place as the quiet/introverted one will be very difficult.

She likely will also have had to work out for herself that she is happy with less activities and finding the confidence to be the different one is something to be commended.

Let her find her own way

Genuinely, why would you force your child into doing more ? Already doing a couple of activities that she’s clearly happy with. Why does it matter if she doesn’t want to pick another activity for the sake of it ? The list for the other 2 is something else - and it sounds more like they are the anomaly rather than middle one.

I'm an introvert and after having to be socially "on" at work I need my time at home to be in my own headspace. Organised classes is not the answer.
I would insist on some form of exercise but maybe a solitary activity like running may work better than an organised class.

You are doing her a very bi disservice my comparing her to the siblings. Potentially very harmful in the long run.