One lazy child, active siblings

[dontgoaskingme]

8 year old DS, 10 and 13 year old DD’s

Oldest and youngest are both very active and sociable, doing at least 10 different hobbies/extra curricular activities each and will happily try and take on anything new.

Middle DD isn’t sporty and is quieter,
when not at school will happily spend all time at home just relaxing or watching TV. Isn’t really interested in playing in the garden or going out for activities.
She’s just dropped swimming lessons so is now only having music lessons at school and language lessons at home with a family friend.
Any suggestion of trying something else and she just says she can’t be bothered, has tried a couple of things in the past but only lasted a couple of weeks/months before giving up.

Other DC obviously get a lot of money spent on their activities, they also get a lot of extra time and attention from them.

I think I wouldn’t worry about it so much if her siblings weren’t so busy but I feel I’m doing her a massive disservice by not making her do the same as them and worry that she will grow up with less skills and confidence than her siblings and wish we’d pushed her to do more.

Would it be unreasonable to insist she does more? At least tried 2-3 other activities and for a minimum of 6 months each?

So you admit all these activities are due to you forcing them do it will look good on their CV later on ... I hope you put some money aside to pay for therapy later on when they get burn-out and realising they never had a real childhood.

Language and an instrument? That's some lazy...

Noone will give a flying fuck about the hobbies she did at primary school.

I couldn't agree with this more. I absolutely loathe the narrative that if a child isn't doing half a dozen activities, isn't "sporty" or super confident/outgoing that they are defective in some way. People are individuals. It is ok to enjoy a slower pace, a quieter activity, being content. As long as they are happy, helpful/kind/polite etc and doing ok at school, what's the problem??

What hobbies or extracurricular (outside of work) activities do you do?

OP drives for a hobby. To 20 extra curricular activities!

Your children are not simply an extension of yourself. They are unique and their own personality. kids need time to be bored, and not stimulated and not micro managed. They need time to day dream or read a book and chill. Before long they are thrust into the world of exams, studies and more pressure. And I bet you a fiver she knows what you think of her being "Lazy" and comparing her to her siblings. She won't be stupid and unaware. You will subconsciously as well as consciously treat them differently. Let them be kids.

So perhaps yo have two extroverts and an introvert. And you think of her as 'lazy' - give your head a wobble! She's just a different person with a different character and different wants. You have no idea what goes on inside her head. Leave her alone and accept her for what she is - a child who is unlike her siblings. She will find her niche and be fine - unless you persist in thinking that there is somehow something wrong with her, because she WILL know. Perhaps she already does know that you think of her as less than her siblings.

Fucking hell, leave the poor child alone if she's an introvert.

As a child I loved to read. I didn't like social activities. I haven't changed as an adult and I'm very happy as I am.

I absolutely hated how my parents were constantly trying to bully me into interactive activities that I hated. It felt like they just didn't accept who I was as a person and were constantly trying to change me into what they wanted, which wasn't what I wanted.

Your other DC seem very unusually active. Your DD sounds perfectly normal doing 2 hobbies.

I would say she is doing enough and the others are doing way too much - when do they get to just relax if they are doing school and 10 hobbies each. They don't need to be doing something every minute of the day.

I understand op - I have two very different older dc (youngest is 7, not comparable).

Ds2 is 14. He's the definition of a social butterfly. Always wanted to do every activity. Always a tonne of friends, kids literally flock to him. Prefect at school, volunteers for every event. Very much a wanderer - in nice weather he'll head off at 10am with a friend to the beach then catch a bus to town to meet others, then head to his girlfriends house, then to the park, then turn up home with no notice and 5 teenagers with him asking if they can sleep here tonight 🙈 Often he'll head out and come back 8 hours later, covered in mud and telling us of his adventures. Barely sees the inside of the house in daylight hours, never mind his room. Talks his head off all day every day.

Ds1 is 17. He's not shy, but he's quiet and reserved and he likes his own company. He has a smaller group of friends he sees far less frequently than ds2 and he's very much a 'drop off and pick up' person. He'll go for lunch with the boys - meet at a restaurant, eat, leave, straight home. Or go to a friends to watch football - out of the house for 2 hours max. Plays one sport once a week. The rest of the time, he's happiest in his room, doing not much. He's never volunteered for anything in his life, has never done anything off the cuff and definitely not a wanderer like ds2.

Over the years it's ds1 I've worried about. Worried he doesn't have enough friends, worried he's not busy or social enough or not having enough experiences, worried he wouldn't tell me if something is wrong. Tried many times to 'encourage' him into more activities like ds2 because it felt so uneven and I worried too much time at home alone wasn't good for him.

It's only now he's 17 I've realised I never had to worry. He's great. He's perfectly happy, perfectly content, he's just FAR less of a people person than ds2 and likes being quieter.

As a kid my brother had zero hobbies or extracurricular activities whereas we all had loads. He liked to read and watch telly. He only had one or two friends and never went out really. He has a first and a PhD from Oxford now and earns £400k a year - big social circle lots of fun holidays…whereas the rest of us very middling, friendships casualties of 9-5 and kids- though we still do our hobbies. Unless you have other concerns, I’d leave it.

@dontgoaskingme with all due respect you sound exhausting.

I am not remotely sporty, love dance and did dance classes 3-23 and still do them now, well into middle age.

Hobbies should be uplifting, rewarding and enjoyable.

As someone that recruits a lot of grads, I really can't be bothered with their hobbies except I could possibly extend an interview by 30 seconds to be polite: "what is it about crochet that pleases you". If I have to get to that question, they've already failed the interview.

As was said upthread, maybe your middle child is more introverted and needs some down time from being at school all day. I know after being around people all day I needed to be by myself a while to recharge.

Learning an instrument is an excellent skill…if she sticks to it, she can have a hobby for life. Learning another language is also very worthwhile. If she is doing all right academically, and she is doing some physical activity, why go looking for a problem? Not everyone wants to do loads of activities or be an extrovert. Some people are very happy with their own company, and can have careers that require more reflection and independent work.

I suggest you read the book “Quiet: The power of introverts in a world that can’t stop talking” by Susan Cain. Might help you understand your middle child a bit more.

Where is your (and her) voice in that?

My two are very different in the activity sense - DD1 does bouldering but not much else - but she's done it consistently for years. She has always been crafty and has taught herself to crochet, makes jewellery and paints a lot. She did netball and vocal group at school but that was about it.

Over the years she's tried guitar, piano, gymnastics and ballroom but none have ever stuck - she just prefers to be in her own company and do her own thing by and large.

DD2 is the total opposite - does several different activities a week - mainly centred around drama and dance, is learning the guitar and signs up for every opportunity at school and every extra event / show through her activities. She's currently setting up her own business and is constantly drawing / making things / writing stories. She's always looking for new things to do.

There's nothing wrong with suggesting things and letting her try them - but if she doesn't want to or doesn't like it after one or two goes, that should be fine too.

She'll find her own way - offer activities if she shows an interest and let her know that if she ever asks to do anything you'll support it.

She sounds like a natural introvert and if she is being made or nagged to do things will be horrible and stressful.

Is it just me or is there a weird obsession with kids doing 'clubs'. Can't they just be and exist....

How do you afford all that? Classes and kit??

I don't understand?

What out of the activities listed are regular / paid for hobbies?

We've been rock climbing and roller skating recently but I don't consider them to be hobbies? We just went rock climbing and roller skating.

How times have changed. When I was little you went to school, did your homework and if you were really lucky on a Saturday you got to go round Tesco with your mum and dad. However, being more focused, one of my children did a lot more activities. The others were much quieter. They are all amazing grown ups and academic high achievers.

My quiet one absolutely bloomed with confidence when her dad stopped trying to make her like her sister and accepted that actually quiet and calm was her.

Being made to feel inadequate for being different from her siblings will be the biggest crusher for her confidence.

She sounds like my younger DD. Never seemed to want to do anything much, especially aged 10-13, unlike older DD who wanted to be doing stuff every night. I left her to carve her own path and guess what? She's nearly 15 now, taught herself to play piano (refused to go for lessons), and is now playing grade 8 level pieces, and plays probably 2 hours a day. Loves hiking and we go together regularly, she's volunteering for a charity as part of her DofE, and loving that. She enjoys comedy/acting and spends some of her time writing and acting out various skits. She makes us laugh so much everyday. The way she fills her time is quite different to the average extra-curricular activities, which seems to be a lot of sport and music lessons fixated on grades, both of which she hates. She's growing up to be so happy and chilled with life.

Leave the poor girl to carve her own path. My mother forced me to do so many things I hated, when my actual love was science, all of which I did in school, so perceived by everyone else as "work". I loved school work. Consequently, I grew up thinking that "hobbies" were things to be endured, and didn't realise anyone actually enjoyed them!

I would like her to be more confident, more active, find things she's interested in, enjoys and is good at.

For that to happen you have to let her be her.

She's not going to find her place in life if she's made to feel like she's lesser because she prefers quieter sedate hobbies.

And she certainly won't find things she enjoys and is good at if she's constantly feeling like she's lesser worthy than her siblings simply because they do an abnormal amount of hobbies.

Your kids are different people and the issue is you comparing them.. no one needs to be doing 10 activities she will resent you if you try to force her

I'm old

I didn't do one extra-curricular activity (except school sports teams and that was just the matches)

I read. And read. And read.

Played with friends in junior school, more solitary in secondary

As an adult I was active, social and very confident. And had a very good vocabulary due to all that reading

But then my parents didn't imply that I was lazy