Family holiday - been given a list of things we can/cannot do due to nephew’s ADHD/autism

[APATEKPHILLIPEWATCH]

Going away on a holiday abroad at Easter with my 3 siblings, their families and our parents.

We’ve been on holiday with them before and not going is out of the question as our parents are elderly and our kids are all getting older too so we want to take the opportunity to all enjoy the time when we can.

Separate accommodation. My nephew is 11 and has recently, after getting nowhere diagnosis-wise with the NHS and 2 private clinics, been diagnosed by a 3rd private clinic with autism and ADHD. This is after a long history of behavioural issues and other symptoms.

My sister in the holiday group chat has given a list of “rules” for us all, including our kids, about what we can and can’t do around nephew now that he has a diagnosis. She’s asked we all respect it so that it can avoid a meltdown. They include- no competitive games (my own kids are a similar age to him as are my other nieces and nephew). The kids like to do things like throw those little sinking toys into the pool and be the first to dive for it. No talking about certain topics such as school (he’s a school refuser) to him and have asked to share our own kid’s school stories about school away from his ears as it upsets him when he hears how other kids are getting on And no talking to him when he has “quiet time” - so for example he will ask for an hour by the pool to be left alone and we all have to respect it and brief the kids as well. This might be a struggle for the cousins as some are younger and will want him to play and won’t understand to leave him alone. When we go out for meals together we can’t eat outside as nephew prefers to eat inside.

I don’t really know how to feel about this. I myself have a disabled DS but with a physical disability and we’ve always tried to ensure his symptoms and needs don’t impact on others - we just ask people to be forgiving if we have to cancel things, but there’s certain things my DS sometimes can’t do or join in with and I’d never stop the other kids from enjoying what DS can’t enjoy.

Not an AIBU as such but how would you respond? I want my sister and her family to have a good time but I’ll be damned if I’m told I can’t eat Al fresco with my mum and dad (who love Al fresco eating too) whose last holiday it will probably be!

I wouldn't go. Doesnt sound like much of a holiday.

What have previous holidays been like?

I wouldn’t fit in with all this. Everyone cannot fit around one child 🤷‍♀️🙄

i just wouldnt be going.

I wouldn’t even consider going. It sounds beyond awful. Find a holiday you’d enjoy and go away with just your DH and DC.

• quiet time... not an unreasonable request.
• games... let them play what they want when cousin not around
• can't be too hard not to discuss school in front of him?

Anyone should be able to take some quiet time and not be pestered during it.

surely you can take your children to the pool separately to dive for things competitively? Or do it when he is having quiet time.

He can have quiet time elsewhere, surely? As opposed to by the pool which is for everyone’s use.

I think that avoiding discussion of school is ok if that helps him.

Not sure about competitive games. Maybe limit them but not eliminate them?

There needs to be some give and take, I guess. Which isn’t a bad principle for all kids to learn to live by.

I’d phone sibling and be as compassionate as possible while saying no, we can’t do all this. Happy to avoid conversation topics as adults is all. But: you sound like you don’t believe his diagnosis (the clinics detail): I’d really watch my tone if I felt similarly, as your sib will be very sensitive to it.

sorry I read that NOT going was an option but now read that it isn't. Presumably it's all paid for? In which case i think you need to have a word with your Dsister. I get her concerns but its not ok to massively spoil everyone else's holiday (unless she is paying for everyone in which case fair enough).

He wants quiet time by the pool.

@APATEKPHILLIPEWATCH Do you separate families during the day sometimes and go off and do your own thing? That might help with some of the things she's asking for.

I’d tell my kids to respect his needs for alone time and not ask him to play them. I’d also tell them he doesn’t like talking about school so not to talk about that with him. The other stuff? Nope. Eating alfresco on holiday is wonderful, if not be down for missing out on that. I’d also not be policing games my kids like to play. No suggestions though, apart from telling her directly you won’t be doing some or all of the things on her list.

I would probably be empathetic to an extent. However it would be along the lines "I appreciate DN doesn't like eating outside so how about we schedule one evening where we will all eat inside?" Or "I appreciate DN is a school refuser however he is in the minority. I will make my children aware of his feelings but I won't police their conversations"

Basically you aren't snubbing everything but offering solutions. Don't let it affect your break but you do not absolutely have to bend over to every whim.

Already fully paid for I’m afraid - and like k say I doubt it will happen next year so want to enjoy with my mum and dad

Well, the requests don't seem majorly unreasonable. You can always dine outside while they have a separate table or do half and half. I understand it might be difficult to explain to younger kids to leave him alone at the pool for an hour but it's not impossible and will probably be a good lesson about respecting boundaries. As far as no competitive sports, the nephew could opt out and spend some time with his parents while you are enjoying the pool. As an autistic person myself I don't think you can quite compare physical disability as there is a strong sensory component which means I am simply not able to cope with certain things. Having said that, I don't expect everyone to change their plans as long as they are OK with me to opt out and spend some time by myself. I am an adult though, I don't know how many opportunities and 11 year old might have to decide to excuse himself and chill in a hotel room when things get too much.

ps regarding the meals I think it's perfectly reasonable to just split up for meal times. Or at least some of them. I'd not be ok with sitting indoors all the time if its nice outside.

I think it depends on the request to be honest. I'd ignore the competitive games and topics of conversation remarks entirely and let the kids carry on and remind them he doesn't have to join in if they push him. Then deal with any issues in the moment.
I'd try to respect his quiet time and remind the children.
I'd negotiate the al fresco thing, try and set the expectation that you will do some nights in and some nights out as a compromise, and be understanding if your sister doesn't join you and your parents some evenings.

Basically, I'm not sure I'd adhere to a list of commands given by my sister in advance or expect the kids to act against their usual holiday instincts, but I would try and ensure the holiday is as smooth as possible all round by giving some ground and smoothing some things over in advance. Good luck!

Since when has being inclusive meant putting one person’s needs front and centre?

This, she’s just given a heads up on how things can be made a bit easier for her child.

Could there not be a degree of flexibility eg. If you want to eat inside then you don’t always have to go out all together but also do things separately? In my experience on big shared holidays you’re not together 24/7

I'd be replying "Sorry Dsis, want to obviously be as supportive as possible but some of that isn't going to work. We can keep off the subject of school as far as possible and change the subject if the DC forget. We can eat inside some evenings and outside some others and meet you after if you're inside. Will ask the DC not to play the diving game when nephew's there, but it would be better for him to have his quiet time away from the pool so the others can play those games then. Think that should work to keep everyone happy!"

I got the impression op meant that the kids won’t understand him not wanting to play at the at time, not that everyone was expected to not be by the pool when the nephew wanted quiet time?

I don’t think it’ll be as bad as it sounds. Just leave him to it when he needs quiet time and tell the kids to focus on playing with the others unless he wants to join in. Your sister is probably really paranoid about things getting messed up for the rest of the family and is panicking a bit.

I’d have to draw a line on the eating indoors thing though, apart from anything else it’ll really limit where you can dine out.