Family holiday - been given a list of things we can/cannot do due to nephew’s ADHD/autism

[APATEKPHILLIPEWATCH]

Going away on a holiday abroad at Easter with my 3 siblings, their families and our parents.

We’ve been on holiday with them before and not going is out of the question as our parents are elderly and our kids are all getting older too so we want to take the opportunity to all enjoy the time when we can.

Separate accommodation. My nephew is 11 and has recently, after getting nowhere diagnosis-wise with the NHS and 2 private clinics, been diagnosed by a 3rd private clinic with autism and ADHD. This is after a long history of behavioural issues and other symptoms.

My sister in the holiday group chat has given a list of “rules” for us all, including our kids, about what we can and can’t do around nephew now that he has a diagnosis. She’s asked we all respect it so that it can avoid a meltdown. They include- no competitive games (my own kids are a similar age to him as are my other nieces and nephew). The kids like to do things like throw those little sinking toys into the pool and be the first to dive for it. No talking about certain topics such as school (he’s a school refuser) to him and have asked to share our own kid’s school stories about school away from his ears as it upsets him when he hears how other kids are getting on And no talking to him when he has “quiet time” - so for example he will ask for an hour by the pool to be left alone and we all have to respect it and brief the kids as well. This might be a struggle for the cousins as some are younger and will want him to play and won’t understand to leave him alone. When we go out for meals together we can’t eat outside as nephew prefers to eat inside.

I don’t really know how to feel about this. I myself have a disabled DS but with a physical disability and we’ve always tried to ensure his symptoms and needs don’t impact on others - we just ask people to be forgiving if we have to cancel things, but there’s certain things my DS sometimes can’t do or join in with and I’d never stop the other kids from enjoying what DS can’t enjoy.

Not an AIBU as such but how would you respond? I want my sister and her family to have a good time but I’ll be damned if I’m told I can’t eat Al fresco with my mum and dad (who love Al fresco eating too) whose last holiday it will probably be!

Sorry but they need to accommodate this as a family you and the rest of the extended family don't. If he can't cope with eating outside that's fine let them eat inside then join you all later. This is said as a mum of an autistic/ADHD child. Inclusion doesn't mean controlling over people's lives and family time which is what your sister is doing.

I'm sure his mum can explain that people like eating outside so that's why the majority of the family are there. He doesn't so he's stuck inside with his parents, he might gain a new perspective on his priorities - be with extended fam or stay inside - but can't dictate that everyone sit inside on a lovely sunny day!

@Yerroblemom1923 Gain a new perspective? Yes sure, if he was NT and just had a slight preference for indoor eating then that might be the case.

I prefer indoor eating but as an autistic person that preference is driven by lots of different sensory issues that don't magically disappear just because I see other people sitting outside. I wish they did! Factors have to be 'just right' before I will sit outside.

Some of these posts make me quite sad. It seems as if lots of people view this boy as just being difficult for the sake of it :( It won't be a choice for him to act the way he does.

She’s sent this, pretty certainly, because she’s feeling massive anxiety about the holiday. She’s knackered and burnt out from trying to look after and get help for her DS (if he’s not in school, she never gets time to relax?) and anticipating a horrible time in an unfamiliar place. She’s trying to pre-empt and avoid meltdowns and stress in the only way she can think of at the moment. I’d bear that in mind and reply with kindness - that you’ll do what you can to support them both and it’s fine if they need to do their own thing sometimes (like eat inside separately). There’s no harm in encouraging your kids to be kind and considerate too - they should be able to understand that he’s having a hard time at the moment and needs a bit of space. You and the other adults can help by leading some things they can all enjoy - just throw a ball around without it being a competition, get some cheap and fun pool toys, have a poolside picnic, go for a walk on a quiet beach at sunset, etc etc. I can pretty much guarantee your sister is feeling a hundred times more stressed than you about this holiday right now - try not to get rubbed up the wrong way by her clumsy communication but just look after them both the best you can, then everyone will have a better holiday.

@Yerroblemom1923 To clarify I agree that no one can make other people eat indoors if they don't want to and I agree that splitting the party is the best way forwards here and then everyone is happy :)

@Porcuine20 , they go away every year, this isn't the first time they've been away together. It's just the first time they've had a diagnosis. Nothing has changed except that. I don't think they should be dictating either way what people can and can't do on their holiday, a diagnosis of ND doesn't make DN more or less important than anyone else and it's his parents responsibility to manage his needs. If he needs quiet time he should go to a quiet place, not the pool which I'm sure is the main hive of activity all day. If he wants to eat inside then his parents should eat inside with him. His parents should already be preparing him for the other children talking about school or playing games that aren't his preference, not censoring what they tell their cousins and GPs and aunts and uncles and what they can play. It's not realistic or helpful for DN anyway.

Are you saying that autistic people can’t grow and learn and adapt? Would you expect everyone around you to go along with what you’d prefer?

Please please come back after Easter and tell us how it all went. I really hope you all have a lovely holiday. It's such a shame you have all this stress before you go

@APATEKPHILLIPEWATCH Of course we can. I was just saying that the wording of that post and some others have read as though the child is just choosing to be difficult and that won't be the case.

ND difficulties aren't consistently at the same level. Also things that can be quite acceptable behaviour in a young child, becomes less acceptable as someone grows up. Think about a teddy being carried by a 3 yr old no one bats an eye if a 17yr old is still carrying a teddy in public this does raise eyebrows and even unacceptable comments from adults at times.

It is also possible due to trauma and burn out from school that the child has actually deteriorated and regressed from last year. This can take some time to recover from and parents may be very concerned about this holiday in particular.

As a parent I tend to keep my concerns internal and would only voice them to family if we were in a very bad place and in desperate need of understanding, support and empathy.

I don't know the OP or the sister so I can not know the specifics of this situation.

Honestly OP I would just ignore all of your sisters requests apart from quiet time - and by that I mean I would tell my children to leave him alone during his quiet time, but I wouldn’t be expecting them to sit in silence or stop playing games themselves, just to not disturb him. I have a 4 year old, he is perfectly capable of understanding to leave someone alone although he may need reminding if it’s for a long time. If your nephew needs complete silence etc then he needs to go somewhere else.

Everything else, just ignore and go about your holiday as you wish. People expect way too much accommodating. The reality is that your kids are your problem and no one else’s, and people shouldn’t have to bend over backwards to be in someone’s presence. That doesn’t mean excluding your nephew but by the sounds of it your family and children love him dearly and probably want to include him more than he wants to be involved (especially the kids), so I don’t think that’s a issue at all.

Your sister just needs to get over herself, get off those nutty Facebook groups and do the things she needs to do to help her child have an enjoyable time. If that means eating inside by themselves or sitting in the hotel lobby for quiet time, then so be it. I can’t imagine it’s nice for her, and I know no one wishes for a disabled child but that’s the hand she’s been dealt and as a result she needs to work with it, not against everyone else. I saw you have a disabled son yourself OP, your attitude around his capabilities and how you have managed them is really refreshing.

I hope you have a lovely holiday!

Why does he have to have quiet time right by a pool 🤔😂. Counter intuitive?
C
Can't he read a book or have quiet time in a part of the house that is quiet?
Re meals can there be a mix to partially accommodate him and use that as leverage today inside tomorrow outside because sometimes we have to put others first
Agree school stuff easy to avoid and hopefully playing games can be done in a less competitive way.
Bht

@Candystripes85 agree with all of your post

Have you or your brother responded OP? Maybe don’t now and just see what happens on holiday.

The former's obviously the case with a lot of autistic folk, but the latter's what a load of parents would prefer.

I agree I think you can just ask the kids to not mention too much.
i think most are ok for me it’s just the not eating outside as that’s such a joy on holiday with our rubbish weather so I would have to ask for a compromise on that on some nights.. !

Also - just thinking of this a bit more as it’s so tricky and remembering holidays I’ve been on. Sometimes, if it’s v hot and humid, or there’s insects/ mozzies most kids do prefer to be inside with AC. So maybe some evenings there will be a bigger group inside and adults can rotate sitting with them and a smaller group of adults can be outside …
It may just work out ok and not just need to be DN with parents inside.

I think it’s more receiving a “list”‘itself that’s annoying . Rather than your sister admitting that she’s tired, a bit nervous and wants to keep meltdowns as limited as possible and she’d love to share with you the best way to do that and ask for your help with it and what you all feel is reasonable - she’s kind of made demands.
Maybe irks even more as you’re also dealing with your son @APATEKPHILLIPEWATCH and you’re not making a list of things that need to happen.

I hope you all have a lovely holiday together and your sister relaxes xx

@APATEKPHILLIPEWATCH what happened? Did you sort the problem?

Spot on, gets the balance right imo

I replied saying something along the lines of “We’ll play it by ear” and the idea about headphone uses. Other family members agreed with lots of jokes about sticking headphones on whenever on of the kids want something. Saw my brother a few days ago who was having a whinge about it as he feels the same as me.

Crikey - his disability is none of your business and I’m amazed you’d ask. So rude.

my children would definitely talk to their cousins about school. It’s where they spent most of their time so why wouldn’t they? They compared everything - what sports they did, what books they read, what their teachers were like. It’s like asking adults not to discuss work. When we go away on family holidays - yes, we do this too and no, no one has been murdered (yet) - of course we ask how it’s going, what’s happening in their sector, what projects they’ve got. and I understand ND extremely well, having a quite severely disabled, now-adult child with autism, amount other things, associated with a genetic disorder

I’d hazard the answer to that is no. The poster hasn’t demonstrated the ability to do otherwise so far

For some people but by no means everyone.

Again, I hope your sister rethinks going at all.

Exactly what I was going to say. Very well said 👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻

OP, I completely understand your frustration. I would feel exactly the same way.