Family holiday - been given a list of things we can/cannot do due to nephew’s ADHD/autism

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Going away on a holiday abroad at Easter with my 3 siblings, their families and our parents.

We’ve been on holiday with them before and not going is out of the question as our parents are elderly and our kids are all getting older too so we want to take the opportunity to all enjoy the time when we can.

Separate accommodation. My nephew is 11 and has recently, after getting nowhere diagnosis-wise with the NHS and 2 private clinics, been diagnosed by a 3rd private clinic with autism and ADHD. This is after a long history of behavioural issues and other symptoms.

My sister in the holiday group chat has given a list of “rules” for us all, including our kids, about what we can and can’t do around nephew now that he has a diagnosis. She’s asked we all respect it so that it can avoid a meltdown. They include- no competitive games (my own kids are a similar age to him as are my other nieces and nephew). The kids like to do things like throw those little sinking toys into the pool and be the first to dive for it. No talking about certain topics such as school (he’s a school refuser) to him and have asked to share our own kid’s school stories about school away from his ears as it upsets him when he hears how other kids are getting on And no talking to him when he has “quiet time” - so for example he will ask for an hour by the pool to be left alone and we all have to respect it and brief the kids as well. This might be a struggle for the cousins as some are younger and will want him to play and won’t understand to leave him alone. When we go out for meals together we can’t eat outside as nephew prefers to eat inside.

I don’t really know how to feel about this. I myself have a disabled DS but with a physical disability and we’ve always tried to ensure his symptoms and needs don’t impact on others - we just ask people to be forgiving if we have to cancel things, but there’s certain things my DS sometimes can’t do or join in with and I’d never stop the other kids from enjoying what DS can’t enjoy.

Not an AIBU as such but how would you respond? I want my sister and her family to have a good time but I’ll be damned if I’m told I can’t eat Al fresco with my mum and dad (who love Al fresco eating too) whose last holiday it will probably be!

Why should children learn that they can't talk about their everyday lives because of someone else?

This topic is not offensive in any way.
He needs to be taught tolerance.

And yes I have extensive experience in SEN.

3 of my 4 kids are ND and 2 are diagnosed with Autism and ADHD. What she's doing is not good for her son. To function in the future he will need to learn how to behave in public (on the basis that if his Autism and ADHD were missed 3 times then he's not extreme). Rather than telling you what you and your kids can and can't do it would be far more helpful to ask for your understanding when he does have meltdowns and rages. My eldest has both and is now a wonderful adult with only occasional meltdowns that she's learnt to handle herself. But I spent an enormous amount of money buying waterproof UNO cards because she was infamous for picking up the deck and throwing it into the nearest pool/source of water. For a time I did consider buying plastic plates and cutlery but we got there. It's hard work but necessary. Avoidance is not good in the long term and will lead to resentment from the other kids instead of instilling an understanding of what he's going through.

I think I’d be making plans to go off and do your own thing and limit time together

most of them aren’t too bad but I think it’s a bit unfair to want exclusive use of pool for quite time that need to be elsewhere

I would reply
We will do our best but it is our dc’s holiday too and we want them to have fun just as you want xxx to enjoy himself.

Conversation about school. Does she mean she doesn't want the conversation to be about why he isn't at school, how lovely school is and how he should go? How if you don't go to school you won't get a job etc. We have a child who can't attend school and sometimes people like to talk about this and think they know better and can talk child into going to school. This is awful - please don't do that. I often wish I could tell people not to have those conversations as they are damaging.

It's hard to say because i don't know family or tone of message
But it's possibly sister is saying this as she wants people not to push child to do activities they can't cope with. We have al been there when the child is pressured and it is the fully that pay the price after. Or if the child melts down the family and child have to see and feel others reactions to meltdown.
It is far easier to avoid these situations where possible.
I don't expect people to change their day to accommodate us but I do wish we could have less pressure to conform in social situations. I do find the most pressure comes from family. Family that mean well but don't rely understand.

I think I'd reply something like, hi DDiS some of those rules might be a bit tricky for the kids to follow, but I'll have a chat with them and ask them to try to be mindful. Perhaps DN could have his quiet time away from the pool, so that he won't be interrupted by cousins trying to include him? I know they are looking forward to seeing DN. We like to eat outside, but no biggie- we don't have to all eat together. Looking forward to a lovely break!

Of course you don't have to go.

I was shocked by this. He has a diagnosis of a disability, and his behaviour over a long time will have underpinned that. "Pandering" is so bloody offensive and disablist. Shame on you.

I get where she's coming from having SN kids myself. However I wouldn't expect people to fit around my kids and nor would I pander to another parents. It's your holiday as well.

Tell your sister you won't be following strict rules and she's welcome to stay behind for some things. If she wants to eat inside, she's welcome to eat inside and you'll meet her outside when they're done. She has to bend a bit as well. Be accommodating where you can but she doesn't get to rule the entire holiday.

I think I'd take myself off with my little family unit as well for some stuff.

Speak to the kids and then inform your Dsister.

That the children mustn't ask DN to play competitive games as he doesn't like them.

They mustn't talk about school in front of him.

If he's having quiet time then they are to play and leave him alone. Maybe when he's having quiet time take the others off for a walk, play on beach ice cream?

I have an autistic ds who has a physical disability. Inclusion to me is making reasonable adjustments so he can join in if he wants. Not everyone adjusting what they do because he doesn't want to join in.

Just reply that you don't see a problem with most of that and will try your hardest to accommodate but will probably end up doing some things separately then so as not to be unfair on the other children or impact everyone else's holiday, and I'd be inclined to put some stipulations on their 'rules' too.

For instance if he wants quiet time around the the pool it needs to be when the other kids aren't already playing in it, or are planning on being in there, at the end of the day he can have quiet time in their accommodation so if he wants it to be round a communal area then they need to accommodate everyone else's needs too.

Also, you like eating outdoors so you will have to take it in turns to either eat together indoors or eat separately where some of you are outside.

I'd go in with the spirit of compromise, and make sure your kids are on board with not pestering him or talking about school, but push for what you would like too, it's better to hash it out now in fairness, if they don't like it or won't compromise then just do whatever you want anyway.

If you’re committed to this one, I’d be spending as much time away from him as possible. Those demands are completely ridiculous and would ruin my holiday. I’d be suggesting also, that his parents take him out for days so everyone else can have fun in the pool etc.

And I wouldn’t go away with them again.

I think it depends on how your sister would handle the situation, how I respond.

Quiet time is reasonable but not demanding everyone leaves the pool or other public area. Them slipping off to somewhere private, is a great coping technique and I would come down hard on my kids if they attempted to interrupt.

The not talking about school. I would as an adult respect that and discuss anything like that in evenings. I wouldn't mention it to my kids as it is like saying don't think about the big pink elephant but I would keep an ear out and redirect the conversation.

Competition games is tricky as at 11ish you won't be hoovering the whole time and kids slip into these games but I would have a word with mine and explain x finds it hard, lets find ways to include.

If the sister is understanding that while you can limit you can't guarantee and she respects that if all the kids want to play a competition every now and then and distracts her son then its give and take and I'd do what I can. If she is likely to kick off and make a bad atmosphere then I would have a word before to manage expectations.

• Directing younger children away from him during his quiet time is reasonable, autistic people get overwhelmed and overstimulated quickly.
• eat separately for meals, have a big family meal one night where you all sit inside a restaurant together?
• The competitive games is a hard one, my own daughter is autistic and really struggled with losing, still does but can control her reactions better to it now. This was because I continued to play competitive games with her at home so she got used to sometimes winning, sometimes losing. She’s now much better playing these games with other children.
• Are the kids really gonna talk about school? Probs not.

I have a DD with ASD/ADHD. Your DSis‘s requests are something my DD would ask for, especially if she is in a busy environment or with lots of other people.

It‘s actually a reason we wouldn‘t go on any trip with others unless it‘s very short or we have plenty of alone time.

Most likely your nephew has to come to terms with what works for him and what doesn‘t. Triggers can be ok one day, bad another.

The games - I very much doubt it would be fun for any of you. But you can easily split groups and get your children to play something on their own.

School - why talk about it at all?

Alone time - this is crucial for my DD, she needs it recharge. But, she also knows that she can‘t dictate others so she may choose a location like her own room or if she really has to share a space, she will use her noise cancellation headphones.

Would it be really so difficult to explain to your children that their cousin needs these times and that he just doesn‘t want to be disturb. I am sure there will be plenty of playtime.

Eating out - I wouldn‘t put others in this position, we would eat separately if necessary and let others do their things.

Not going is not out of the question, and not going is what I'd do. Unless you can just branch off and do your own thing?

None of these things sound unmanageable tbh

Depends what you find more relaxing - managing small children not to pester people who need down time or the inevitable meltdown when those boundaries are crossed

I'm not sure where you've read that. There's nothing to stop the children playing with each other and all the other cousins and enjoying the pool while just letting that one child sit quietly.

Not talking about school and respecting his wish for some quiet times are reasonable. Expecting all the other children to change their games and expecting everyone to change their al fresco eating wishes just to suit him are not reasonable.

I would reply with something like "Of course we want everyone to enjoy the holiday without upset. We will try not to upset X and will of course understand if your family sometimes want to play or eat in different places from the rest of us."

It most certainly is unreasonable to expect everyone to keep away from the pool for an hour at a time to give one child free rein.
Playing games - what if the cousin is always around?
Policing speech is not going to work. Children should not be silenced if their conversation is perfectly common.

This. None of these sound unreasonable.

I would say that I’d do my best to support that where possible.
It’s not unreasonable to ask for some adjustments and to expect that family will do what they can to support that.
But it is unreasonable to expect everyone to manage it every moment…. they also need to support their DS in managing his challenges.

DS6 is AuDHD and holidays are frankly a bit of a nightmare, as are most social events. We do ask for people to try to support with some requests but we also acknowledge that this may not always be possible.

Is she usually like this? Has his behaviour been extremely challenging lately? Do you think this holiday is her worst nightmare? Is she worried he will meltdown constantly and won’t eat?

I think I’d say nothing - be mindful of his quiet time and the level of competitive games and just see how it all pans out. Realistically you can’t police every thing the kids say and play. And it seems unfair on them to do so. Oddly I’d find the eating inside easier, as an adult I can do things like this - policing the kids not as easy

Maybe you can figure out a compromise on the meals when you get there.

They are being ridiculous and what's worse they aren't enabling him to cope with normal behaviour.

Is it a shared villa or a hotel? I think in a hotel the ability for him to have quiet time by the pool and avoid competitive games is very limited. I would say to your sister that obviously you will support her as much as is possible. I think I'd suck up the indoor meals for a family holiday but maybe compromise by having a couple of nights /lunches without your family so you can sit outside. I'd also pick a time (say 3-4pm) when you will agree to take your kids off for an hour....and you can all sneak off to the bar or to get ice cream or something (if it's AI maybe they will do afternoon tea). I think that you could agree not to play competitive games with him but it is unreasonable to not let your kids play them at all and you really cannot police what kids talk about to that extent. If it's a villa then it will be much trickier and I think she will need to adjust her expectations a lot more.