Family holiday - been given a list of things we can/cannot do due to nephew’s ADHD/autism

[APATEKPHILLIPEWATCH]

Going away on a holiday abroad at Easter with my 3 siblings, their families and our parents.

We’ve been on holiday with them before and not going is out of the question as our parents are elderly and our kids are all getting older too so we want to take the opportunity to all enjoy the time when we can.

Separate accommodation. My nephew is 11 and has recently, after getting nowhere diagnosis-wise with the NHS and 2 private clinics, been diagnosed by a 3rd private clinic with autism and ADHD. This is after a long history of behavioural issues and other symptoms.

My sister in the holiday group chat has given a list of “rules” for us all, including our kids, about what we can and can’t do around nephew now that he has a diagnosis. She’s asked we all respect it so that it can avoid a meltdown. They include- no competitive games (my own kids are a similar age to him as are my other nieces and nephew). The kids like to do things like throw those little sinking toys into the pool and be the first to dive for it. No talking about certain topics such as school (he’s a school refuser) to him and have asked to share our own kid’s school stories about school away from his ears as it upsets him when he hears how other kids are getting on And no talking to him when he has “quiet time” - so for example he will ask for an hour by the pool to be left alone and we all have to respect it and brief the kids as well. This might be a struggle for the cousins as some are younger and will want him to play and won’t understand to leave him alone. When we go out for meals together we can’t eat outside as nephew prefers to eat inside.

I don’t really know how to feel about this. I myself have a disabled DS but with a physical disability and we’ve always tried to ensure his symptoms and needs don’t impact on others - we just ask people to be forgiving if we have to cancel things, but there’s certain things my DS sometimes can’t do or join in with and I’d never stop the other kids from enjoying what DS can’t enjoy.

Not an AIBU as such but how would you respond? I want my sister and her family to have a good time but I’ll be damned if I’m told I can’t eat Al fresco with my mum and dad (who love Al fresco eating too) whose last holiday it will probably be!

The parents are disabling him, not helping him. You have to learn to adapt. For example, the games. One of mine is awful for games so we play with me on a team with him. Limits problems and enables them to co-regulate.

Parents need to get a grip

It won't work.

I wouldn't point that out to her though.

I'd say that you'll talk to your kids and do you best to stick by her rules.

When it unravels as it inevitably will (I have a child with adhd) just stay out of it.

The holiday is unlikely to happen again.

If the “quiet time” is that he sits quietly on his own by the pool, with headphones on for example, and is to be left alone to relax in that time - that that sounds absolutely fair enough. If it means that he has to have the entire pool area to himself then obviously that is unreasonable!

Surely you can adapt a bit for them.

I think your. Brother and sister in law should be ensuring that their son has quiet time if that's what he needs. But on a family holiday he shouldn't be having quiet time by the pool because that prevents others from using it. Why can't he have quiet time in his bedroom, especially if he prefers being indoors

The other rules are ridiculous. Part of the joy of being on holiday is eating outdoors. Maybe some people could eat indoors and some outdoors? If there's a big group of you then two tables might work better than everyone crowded round one table.

I'd go on holiday still but I would take time away to do my own thing

Well, obviously you can't meet all those demands. That's madness. She has to take responsibility for her child's needs. If he doesn't like eating outdoors then maybe he eats first and just has a drink at al fresco meals. Or she stays home with him. She also can't police the games and conversation topics of other children.

Even if you do that, you no doubt be then told that you're excluding him.

Oh: I didn’t read the bit about eating outdoors properly. That one is really a bit much. He can eat indoors alone or his immediate family can stay in there with him; you need to eat where you like on holiday

You seem determined to be stubborn. Not talking about school is easy. Other things can be negotiated. Your "I'll be damned if" attitude isn't going to help anyone.

Well I would agree with non competitive games and not talking about school.

But quiet time by himself by the pool and no one else being allowed in is a no.

Not eating outside is also a no.

You don't have to spend all day, every day together and his parents need to learn that his needs do not dictate what the whole group do and don't do.

It would be a shame not to go but I think there are compromises to be made

Ie - of course younger children won't understand that they can't talk to him for an hour if he's visible. The parents need to find him a quieter spot away from the rest of the kids.

Of course It's not feasible for no one to mention school. My DD (also autistic) was a school refuser and we were around many conversations in social situations about school . In this instance the compromise could be asking the other adults not to make school the MAIN topic of conversation the whole time. If it comes up then not to make a big deal of it.

As for the competitive games.. once again - of course that's crazy. A compromise could be one of his parents discreetly distracting him if it looks like a competitive game is happening. I have never asked anyone to change their behaviour around my DD but people who are aware are naturally a bit mindful of the things that might be a bit tricky for her.

Being surrounded by a bit of what might upset him is just life isn't it. He can't be cocooned forever and your sister needs to understand that. It's for them to manage and for those around them to be mindful. No more than that!

Perhaps It’s because I have kids with autism / adhd but this doesn’t sound too bad. As a op said surely we’re all entitled to quiet time and not mentioning school shouldn’t be hard. The competitive games might be a step too far, just explain that you can’t observe the other kids all the time and they’ll be excited to be on holiday anyway.

I’d look for a compromise with dining out - maybe you don’t all have to dine together every day?

I think that some of these are doable and some not. And that some actually are detremental to him.
I know kids who are school refusers, it doesnt mean other kids can't say anything about school in earshot of them.
Having alone time, fine but maybe put headphones on then or find a way to signify it is alone time.
It seems your aister is making everyone accomodate him, rather than find ways he can fit in and for her to find ways to help him enjoy the holiday.
I have 2 sen children and I wouldnt expect others to accomodate us like that at all.

some of it sounds ok, some of it sounds as though a compromise might work, and some of it (he gets quiet time by the pool and the other kids can't use it? nope) sounds unreasonable

And since putting rules for your DC is now A Thing in your family, you can do the same for your DC, can't you, OP?

I think you can attempt to do a lot of that: leaving him alone when he needs quiet time; adults not talking about school; limit the amount of competitive games.

The eating outside/inside thing is the biggie and I think you’ll have to make it clear that’s not something you’re willing to do without so your sister will have to decide how she’s going to manage that.

Also, the children will inevitably slip up sometimes, and though you can ask them to be thoughtful, they shouldn’t be told off if they forget.

My son is ASD and it all sounds reasonable apart from the eating inside.I think it's reasonable to say no worries about the rest and the older kids can definitely find some understanding. On the eating I would say that's not fair and if he really can't eat outside one of his parents will need to sit inside with him. We go away as a family every year my son is 24 now you can work it out try and be as understanding as you can unless your like no this is silly don't fall out over it though you all need each other's support.

She's probably worried about how it's going to go and trying to make the holiday good for everyone by avoiding meltdowns which will impact on everyone. I would respond kindly and supportively stressing that you want to accommodate DN but some of it isn't feasible. Suggest that some meals out are separate so they can take him to places he will enjoy and you can eat al fresco. The main issue is curtailing the children's activities. That just won't work. He may need a quiet space to go to in the accommodation but he can't have the pool to himself for quiet time.

This needs to be ironed out before you go.

• why does quiet time have to be by the pool? Surely quiet time can be in his room or somewhere else quiet. Or can he not put headphones on? If they won't do that then I suggest you just the other kids out the moment he wants this and ask to be texted when it's over so you can come back.

• eating as pp suggest one whole family Al fresco and then just eat outside by yourselves the rest of the time.

• competitive games - i wouldn't agree to none, they can remove him and take him somewhere else

• school - again I wouldn't be giving my bliss a list of things they can't discuss. Neither would I be telling them off or policing what they say.

It's important that they understand that one child cannot dictate the whole holiday. They need to be pro-active to mitigate situations. I expect one of the issues will be that your parents will find navigating this difficult as their loyalties will be torn. I know my parents would find this very difficult to navigate.

I think she needs to take some responsibility herself
E.g. quiet time - yes but in the apartment not by the pool where the other kids will want to play

Meals - she and her family can of course sit inside. You can perhaps join her on some occasions but may also choose to sit outside too.

School chat - other kids to be sensitive but it should not be a banned subject.

I'd do my best to make this work but would suggest a few changes, including that quiet time happens in a more appropriate place (like a bedroom or another space in the house) and that you split up for some mealtimes so it's less overwhelming for everyone.

She also can't dictate the games other peoples' kids play but you could try to limit them or suggest she gets her child to do something else while they're happening (within reason).

This...

He obviously has needs... BUT their way of acoomodating those needs are way off!!

Got folk in extended family with AsD... - quiet time is taken in bedrooms /somewhere quiet... Not requisitioning the pool for hours...

Doesn't like eating outside?
Two tables and people can rotate for different courses /evenings... Bugger not eating outside as ONE person doesn't like it...

100% this. I say this as a mum to a severely autistic son.

If you've all been away together before then have these things been an issue on past holidays, has your DN had meltdowns on previous holidays? If there's been upset previously then I'd try to accommodate your DSis requests as much as you feel you can, without spoiling your DC's holiday. A lot depends on your DCs ages and how much they'd understand

The holiday cannot reasonably be expected to revolve around him. It’s your holiday/your children’s holiday too.

Making him the reason that they can’t talk about school/can’t play the games they want to/can’t be at the pool because he’s there/can’t eat outside isn’t going to foster ‘inclusivity’, it’s going to make him roundly disliked by all his cousins, and make them not want to spend time with him (and they will actively choose not to, when they’re able to).

Sigh. YANBU.

The quiet time is nbu but by the pool won’t work. Other people have a right to enjoy themselves. On holiday.

Everything else is controlling blackmail. Very silly. DSIL, the daft cow, no doubt enables DS but you won’t be doing him a favour if you contribute to that. His life’s damaged enough already with ND & no education.