Family holiday - been given a list of things we can/cannot do due to nephew’s ADHD/autism

[APATEKPHILLIPEWATCH]

Going away on a holiday abroad at Easter with my 3 siblings, their families and our parents.

We’ve been on holiday with them before and not going is out of the question as our parents are elderly and our kids are all getting older too so we want to take the opportunity to all enjoy the time when we can.

Separate accommodation. My nephew is 11 and has recently, after getting nowhere diagnosis-wise with the NHS and 2 private clinics, been diagnosed by a 3rd private clinic with autism and ADHD. This is after a long history of behavioural issues and other symptoms.

My sister in the holiday group chat has given a list of “rules” for us all, including our kids, about what we can and can’t do around nephew now that he has a diagnosis. She’s asked we all respect it so that it can avoid a meltdown. They include- no competitive games (my own kids are a similar age to him as are my other nieces and nephew). The kids like to do things like throw those little sinking toys into the pool and be the first to dive for it. No talking about certain topics such as school (he’s a school refuser) to him and have asked to share our own kid’s school stories about school away from his ears as it upsets him when he hears how other kids are getting on And no talking to him when he has “quiet time” - so for example he will ask for an hour by the pool to be left alone and we all have to respect it and brief the kids as well. This might be a struggle for the cousins as some are younger and will want him to play and won’t understand to leave him alone. When we go out for meals together we can’t eat outside as nephew prefers to eat inside.

I don’t really know how to feel about this. I myself have a disabled DS but with a physical disability and we’ve always tried to ensure his symptoms and needs don’t impact on others - we just ask people to be forgiving if we have to cancel things, but there’s certain things my DS sometimes can’t do or join in with and I’d never stop the other kids from enjoying what DS can’t enjoy.

Not an AIBU as such but how would you respond? I want my sister and her family to have a good time but I’ll be damned if I’m told I can’t eat Al fresco with my mum and dad (who love Al fresco eating too) whose last holiday it will probably be!

My reply would be “Hey Sis, happy to avoid the subject of school, I can’t promise that the kids will do that though. Totally understand the need for quiet time but that time will need to be taken somewhere that’s not a communal area. As you know we, and mum and dad, love to eat al fresco so we’ll plan a few nights eating separately and then meet up with you guys after dinner”.

Some of those are definitely feasible.

• If you want to eat outside, eat separately. I'm sure there will be one or two times you all want to eat together, that might have to take place inside.
• Competitive games can happen while he's having quiet time by the pool (presumably with headphones or something to block out external stimulation). It's good for children to be taught to respect the boundaries of others.
• My daughter is home educated so I don't really know how much school is talked about but it's unlikely to be a frequent topic of discussion, is it? Save it for his quiet time or when you're eating separately to them.

She's clearly stressed about how this holiday will go and trying to make it as easy as possible for all involved.

I think you should just let kids be kids and play what they like. I personally would never had said diving for sinkies was competitive. They can play and he can sit it out.
The big one for me would be no alfresco meals, that's a huge part of a holiday. I'd be eating apart from them at least once a day.

Also why is his route to diagnosis relevant?
Seems like it has been added to appeal to the smug ‘disabilities aren’t real and down to crap parenting and too much screen time! My children are neurotypical because of my super-duper parenting and firm boundaries and routine!’ crew that are prevalent on MN 🙄

Eat where you want
respect his quiet time
Talk about what you want
Play games that you want

Hi sister - no problems- I can't wait

They won't talk abou school much and we won't encourage it and try and divert it they do

Chasing sinking objects is hardly a competitive game it's fine- we will ignore avoid big shows of "winners" and "losers"

We will where we want to but join you inside one night

We all need quiet time!

@APATEKPHILLIPEWATCH this is really extreme of your sil and I'm saying that as a mum of an autistic son, although he's only 5.

We've done family holidays and like you say, we balance his needs with not taking over everyone else's holiday!

What's the relationship with sil (and the boys dad) like? Could you have a chat with them before you go? I think some of the points make sense, but they're taking them too far. So for example, not directly asking him about school seems fine, but policing the rest of the conversations is way too much. Him needing quiet time is perfectly reasonable, but it should be in a way that doesn't stop everyone else from using what is probably one of the main draws of the holiday!

^^ This.

I genuinely can't understand pp saying "sounds awful, I just wouldn't go." 🙄

Some of these things are more reasonable than others. You surely don't all have to sit indoors for every meal, for example, but telling all the DC to give him some space occasionally seems reasonable - if they're too young to do that when reminded then they'll need close adult supervision anyway. No competitive games is less sensible, if you're a large crowd others may be opting out anyway. I wouldn't respond with a blanket "We're not doing any of this" but perhaps "Thanks for highlighting some areas which might be problematic. We will all be mindful to ensure everyone has a great holiday".

"I'll make sure the kids leave Ben alone when he's having quiet time but I won't be policing their games or conversation. We like eating outside so we'll have separate meals."

That doesn’t mean he should have his quiet time right next to the pool - he can go into his room

I would be telling her she needs to be teaching him tolerance.

He can have quite time, in his private space.
The pool is a public space.

He can and should never be allowed to police others conversations.

That's a hard line.

He doesn't have to engage in any games he doesn't want to, but if he does engage in the games he needs to behave appropriately.
He can't engage in a competitive game and then act out.

The no talking about school thing is straightforward. No one wants to chat about school on holiday so I'm sure that won't be a problem.

The pool thing is odd. Has he said 'mother, I shall require an hour by the pool undisturbed'. No, I doubt an 11 year old is that forward thinking, especially if he does not have a pool at home and so has no pool routine to compare. So either you are catastrophising (she likely means he can sit out a couple of games with headphones on or somesuch. Not too difficult for others to understand) or that is just made up.

Can't eat outside? Don't have all meals together.

I'm sorry this will be your parents last holiday. That sounds a bit final. You seem to be a family who talk in absolutes. Perhaps the reality will be more nuanced.

Doesn't seem that unreasonable. The other dc can avoid talking about school and overly competitive games when he's around though his quiet time should be somewhere other than the pool

Of course not going is an option.

Another that doesn’t think they’re huge asks- do they really all talk about school thst much?

This is perfect

Except a lot of kids do talk and want to talk about school.
It's 90% of their lives.
And they should be free to do so.

I would ask my children to be aware that ye will be doing a few things to help their cousin.
No harm in asking for no school talk & competitive games to a minimum but I would refuse to live in my nerves. If their son needs quiet time or they see him getting disregulated it is up to them to manage.
I would go to one or two meas over the holiday and eat those inside.

They are being unreasonable and you would be doing them a favour in the long run to push back a little.

And one of my DD's hates eating outside, I get it

Just make tor own plans. Dip in and out of Whole Family time when it suits the family with that dc...

I think quiet time is a totally reasonable request. If someone wants to be left alone, they should be left alone. Most young kids will understand 'x doesn't want to talk or play right now but will join in in a little while'

Not talking to him about school is ok. Promising that your kids will avoid talking about it completely is difficult as school is obviously a big part of their life so with the best will in the world your kids (and you) will probably slip up on this, I'd have a quiet word with them and ask them to avoid it, that's all you can do

Competitive games is surely what a lot of families do for fun on holiday. What are you supposed to do indoors if the weather is poor? I'd say you won't pressure him to join in or play by the rules, and you can possibly tell the kids to go and play in another room if they want to play a game...but you won't be telling your kids they're not allowed to play any of their favourite family games on holiday

Eating outside I'd say that's fine, you don't all need to eat all your meals together anyway (since there are so many of you it's not like you'll all be sitting round the same table anyway) and you'll make sure that when you're eating meals with your nephew you'll stay inside but are planning some meals outside that there is absolutely no pressure for him to come to

It’s up to his parents not to expose him to triggers. It’s not up to everyone else to walk on eggshells around him.

I think you need to reframe 'sister laying down the law about her precious baby's needs' to 'sister clearly panicking about taking her ASD child away on family holiday and trying to minimise meltdowns'.

Perhaps different branches of the family doing their own thing during the day and meeting up in the evening might work.

They’ve clearly been diligent in their pursuit of a diagnosis, if it’s taken a third private clinician to diagnose.

Quiet time is not difficult to organise and it’s not u reasonable for people, not just the nephew, to want some space.

Maybe the other children can do competitive things whilst he is having his quiet time.

Whilst wanting to make the holiday pleasant for everyone, there are times when his wants might impinge on others and the rest of the family have a right to enjoyment of their holiday.

Neither autism or ADHD are caused by 'pandering' There's plenty of information freely available which can prevent embarrassing displays of ignorance.

OP, I sense skepticism, perhaps hostility on your part which the other family will certainly pick up on. That's not going to be a pleasant atmosphere for anyone. I'd suggest you prioritise the enjoyment of the group as a whole. Surely it's in everyone's interest to avoid the child having a meltdown? Or do you not care? Do you think they should just deal with it if it happens? Should they stay at home or perhaps they should exclude the child? Or allow the inevitable meltdown to happen and withdraw the child then? What alernative are you proposing?

I'd suggest you discuss with your children how they can help their cousin. Of course they might slip up, they're children. But in what way do you think learning compassion would be detrimental to them or their holiday?