Family holiday - been given a list of things we can/cannot do due to nephew’s ADHD/autism

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Going away on a holiday abroad at Easter with my 3 siblings, their families and our parents.

We’ve been on holiday with them before and not going is out of the question as our parents are elderly and our kids are all getting older too so we want to take the opportunity to all enjoy the time when we can.

Separate accommodation. My nephew is 11 and has recently, after getting nowhere diagnosis-wise with the NHS and 2 private clinics, been diagnosed by a 3rd private clinic with autism and ADHD. This is after a long history of behavioural issues and other symptoms.

My sister in the holiday group chat has given a list of “rules” for us all, including our kids, about what we can and can’t do around nephew now that he has a diagnosis. She’s asked we all respect it so that it can avoid a meltdown. They include- no competitive games (my own kids are a similar age to him as are my other nieces and nephew). The kids like to do things like throw those little sinking toys into the pool and be the first to dive for it. No talking about certain topics such as school (he’s a school refuser) to him and have asked to share our own kid’s school stories about school away from his ears as it upsets him when he hears how other kids are getting on And no talking to him when he has “quiet time” - so for example he will ask for an hour by the pool to be left alone and we all have to respect it and brief the kids as well. This might be a struggle for the cousins as some are younger and will want him to play and won’t understand to leave him alone. When we go out for meals together we can’t eat outside as nephew prefers to eat inside.

I don’t really know how to feel about this. I myself have a disabled DS but with a physical disability and we’ve always tried to ensure his symptoms and needs don’t impact on others - we just ask people to be forgiving if we have to cancel things, but there’s certain things my DS sometimes can’t do or join in with and I’d never stop the other kids from enjoying what DS can’t enjoy.

Not an AIBU as such but how would you respond? I want my sister and her family to have a good time but I’ll be damned if I’m told I can’t eat Al fresco with my mum and dad (who love Al fresco eating too) whose last holiday it will probably be!

I wouldn't respond at all. Just go, be as accommodating as you can to his needs whilst there, let the other children be competitive (he doesn't have to join in) and definitely eat al fresco, it's one of the joys of holidaying in a warm country. You don't all have to eat together.

Not wholly unreasonable requests once a compromise has been reached.

quiet space - his room, keeping other kids away and not by the pool where the noisy kids will be playing
eating outside- just split up however I imagine she would be upset about you and your parents eating outside and her being left inside.
topic of conversation- agree adults will avoid it but can’t police children, especially if she is likely to tell them off if they forget.

"Sister - i acknowledge your requests and will wholeheartedly attempt to adhere to them, but I can't promise anything due to the nature of children being children"
Then I would go out of my way to avoid quiet time - take the kids to the beach instead and go out for separate meals occasionally in your small family unit and with your parents. Just because you are all going together, it doesn't mean you have to stick together like glue for the whole holiday. If she is reasonable she should be able to appreciate that you are entitled to dine how you like on your holiday.

They need to discuss the 'quiet place'

It can't be the pool unless the others are going out at that time

I think there are certain things that are kind/respectful for you to remind your kids of that would apply to any child - i.e. letting kids set their own boundaries when they do/don't want to play - if he wants time by himself, regardless of whether that's a symptom of something or not, kids should be told to respect when someone doesn't want to play. That's not unreasonable of them at all, and I'd hope any kid is being taught that.

Then there are things that, given the setting and scenario, I'd work with a bit without bending over backwards too ahrd, like talking about school - if it's upsetting for him, I don't think it's too terrible to gently distract and redirect them if you hear that conversation come up in person (but wouldn't give the kids A Talk about it, because that's more likely to make children ask about it more). And eating inside rather than outside - fine, lots of people don't like eating outside, if you fancy a nice meal on a terrace outside somewhere then you don't have to eat together every night - you could mix/match so you're not compromising too much.

Dictating what games the kids play, though, is ridiculous. He's allowed to decide if he wants to join in or not, and you can suggest other games occasionally so he's included, but it's not really a holiday for you if you have to hover over them every minute to stop them playing a certain way - lots of children's games involve competition, including made-up spontaneous ones.

If I were you I'd not reply to the message because it sounds like it's going to cause a drama, and just pick your battles - if she wants to kick off about how the children were playing I'd remind her they're children, but if she's upset because your kids won't leave him alone when he wants to be left alone, then that's your bad.

I think you need to have a chat to your sister about a compromise. Some of this isn’t unreasonable, for instance you can easily not talk about school to him and try and minimise school chat in front of him. When he wants quiet time by the pool that’s fine, ask him to put headphones/ear defenders on and tell the other kids to ignore him. I have a DD with ASD and it pisses me off to no end when my parents will ask her something or bring something up in front of her that I’ve asked them not to or ignore when I say leave her to sit quietly for half an hour. So I don’t think those requests are unreasonable.

The rest is barmy. He doesn’t get to dictate where everyone sits or does. It’s everyone else’s holiday too.

As a parent of an ASD child I do get that it can be difficult trying to juggle the child’s needs and keep everyone else happy. But with my DD I’ve told her there are somethings she’s has to learn to either accept or remove herself from. Once she’s older and not with me the rest of the world won’t be as accommodating as I can be, she has to learn to manage and have some flexibility if she’s going to be able to function in society. I try to separate her ‘needs’ from her ‘wants’, the things she actually needs to stop her being uncomfortable or have a meltdown I deal with, but things that are just what she wants (because she does like to be in control of her environment) she has to learn to either accept or remove herself from the situation.

My reading of quiet time isn’t that he is expecting others to be quiet simply that he wants some time to sit on his own and do his own thing. I can’t see why that’s an issue. It’s no different from an adult sitting by the pool with a book asking to not be interrupted.

Either don't go knowing it'll be awful and stressful.
Or go, knowing it's going to be awful and stressful. It's already stressful and you aren't even there yet.
The whole family cannot be expected to solely focus on the needs of one child. His parents will prioritise him and you must prioritise your children. It's their holiday too.

It abounds like my idea of hell though so I don't I would have committed to it in the first place.

I’d just say ok then sure. But then when you’re there and someone says ‘do you still play volleyball for the school team Billy?’ Or a child says ‘I did about Ancient Greece at school’ during a conversation, I wouldn’t be policing or making a big deal of it. Her son will have to learn to deal with topics that he finds hard

Just say of course we will try our best and deal with any fallouts if they arise.

If he needs quiet time he can go to his room.

If the kids are playing a game he doesn’t like, his parents need to distract and entertain him. Same as if he doesn’t approve of the conversation topics.

If he wants to eat inside, one or more of his parents can join him.

Don’t let his behaviour ruin your last holiday with your parents OP.

If he wants quiet time he can go somewhere where the kids aren’t playing, like his room and I wouldn’t let any one dictate what my children can and cannot do. That’s her problem but I wouldn’t go with someone who thinks her child gets to call all the rules bc she says so. That a no for me.

As someone ND myself you just have to learn to cope. A compromise where you can is brilliant but your whole holiday cannot be dictated to by rules.

im also a bit ? About the fact that he’s had 3 assessments.

The other children can’t be forced to be quiet by the pool when your nephew needs down time. I would suggest that his quiet time needs to be in a quiet area, not a family area. I would also say that while you will try to minimise the children being competitive by things like diving in the pool for toys, you don’t think you’ll be able to eliminate it.

I have an autistic child but I would never have expected his needs to dictate the terms of his cousins holiday. It’s their holiday too.

I wouldn’t go. You say you want to enjoy time with your parents but it’s more likely to be a stressful bunfight than a nice time op. Let’s face it, your kids are going to forget ‘the rules’, and even trying to enforce things is going to be a bit rubbish for them. You will be stressed out trying to keep the peace. If you are going to go then good luck, hopefully a bit of compromise/leeway/common sense from your sister will help. I’d draw a line at the eating inside thing though - maybe just me, but eating outside is part of a holiday. Let them eat inside if it’s that big a deal, it’s your holiday too.

This is unreasonably restrictive and controlling. She's trying to control every person on a holiday and that's not a reasonable expectation.

The OP says they sought the expertise of multiple different people before they got their diagnosis, which would make me query…. Is it really the diagnosis? why didn’t the first three assessments across NHS and private providers diagnose it?

No end of research / commentary on the enthusiasm of private practitioners to diagnose people with conditions.

So no, not a display of ignorance, more a challenge to the enthusiasm to label everyone and her aunt as having ADHD and Autism.

his parents need to distract and entertain him

Doesn’t sound like his parents want to have to do that. They want to enjoy their holiday, with minimal parenting, while everyone around them treads on eggshells.

I think you need a call to agree things in advance. For example - can't guarantee younger kids won't disturb him; could his quiet time be in their bedroom not by the pool? You're not going to stop your kids having fun in the pool - but you could agree that they won't do competitive games for a period of an hour or so at a time. You can't stop them talking about school.

Agree that some nights you'll all eat together inside and some nights you'll eat outside and if he isn't able to join you then one of his parents will stay with him and the other will eat with the big group.

What do your parents think?

I am torn on this because while I would never impose a list of rules for others on holiday with my 2 Autistic DC, I also feel that the way your OP is written is pretty goady. The detail about his route to diagnosis is totally irrelevant, so reading between the lines you don't belive his Autism and ADHD is genuine. That'll play well on here with a the "everyone has Autism or ADHD" nowadays nonsense that people seem to love posting. Your Dsis will no doubt have picked up on your scepticism and maybe that's why she's feeling a need to try to control the situation, because she is anxious about taking her DC with SEN on a holiday with people who will judge him (and her) if he has a meltdown.

There's some spectacularly harsh responses on here. A clear lack of understanding of the spectrum that is ASD too.
Her child should absolutely have the right to be left alone by the pool. Even my 3yr old would understand "cousin doesn't want to play right now, go and play with the other children and he'll let you know when he's ready to join in again" Of course he shouldn't be sent to his room when he's on holiday. Other children need to respect others feelings

Competitive games - id just say they enjoy diving for the singers but will ge sensitive around "winners and losers"

School - again "hey kids, try not to talk about school, cousin gets really upset"

Eating - we really enjoy eating outside but could maybe do a couple or meet you afterwards.

It's not really that difficult, she's probably dreading the whole thing and just trying her best to prevent meltdowns and judgement! Just reassure her, say you'll help where you can and be nice about it.

I'd reassure your sister that you're on her team. Of course the group meals can be eaten indoors. I've gone away on group holidays and usually there's only one or two full group meals. The giving him quiet time is also easy to do if it's just leaving him alone. The school thing you'll not mention it and tell the kids who will do their best. For me the competitive games would be the one we'd find tough so I'd ask what's the best way to work around that, is there times we could co-ordinate? And maybe brainstorm with her non competitive games that are fun too that everyone can play.

@Devianinc we all read the OP no need to quote imagine if we all did this!

What do your parents and other siblings think about this?

What if the other kids want to use the pool and be noisy when it’s his quiet time though. It’s not fair to ask them to not enjoy the pool in case it upsets him.