Family holiday - been given a list of things we can/cannot do due to nephew’s ADHD/autism

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Going away on a holiday abroad at Easter with my 3 siblings, their families and our parents.

We’ve been on holiday with them before and not going is out of the question as our parents are elderly and our kids are all getting older too so we want to take the opportunity to all enjoy the time when we can.

Separate accommodation. My nephew is 11 and has recently, after getting nowhere diagnosis-wise with the NHS and 2 private clinics, been diagnosed by a 3rd private clinic with autism and ADHD. This is after a long history of behavioural issues and other symptoms.

My sister in the holiday group chat has given a list of “rules” for us all, including our kids, about what we can and can’t do around nephew now that he has a diagnosis. She’s asked we all respect it so that it can avoid a meltdown. They include- no competitive games (my own kids are a similar age to him as are my other nieces and nephew). The kids like to do things like throw those little sinking toys into the pool and be the first to dive for it. No talking about certain topics such as school (he’s a school refuser) to him and have asked to share our own kid’s school stories about school away from his ears as it upsets him when he hears how other kids are getting on And no talking to him when he has “quiet time” - so for example he will ask for an hour by the pool to be left alone and we all have to respect it and brief the kids as well. This might be a struggle for the cousins as some are younger and will want him to play and won’t understand to leave him alone. When we go out for meals together we can’t eat outside as nephew prefers to eat inside.

I don’t really know how to feel about this. I myself have a disabled DS but with a physical disability and we’ve always tried to ensure his symptoms and needs don’t impact on others - we just ask people to be forgiving if we have to cancel things, but there’s certain things my DS sometimes can’t do or join in with and I’d never stop the other kids from enjoying what DS can’t enjoy.

Not an AIBU as such but how would you respond? I want my sister and her family to have a good time but I’ll be damned if I’m told I can’t eat Al fresco with my mum and dad (who love Al fresco eating too) whose last holiday it will probably be!

Well strangely enough as a Children's SW so do I.

Not really the point though, I have no problem at all with asking my children to be kind and considerate and think of others feelings. They can talk to literally anyone else they come across about school if they're desperate to talk about it. Mine (who are very young) would do this without question and happily.

I can't see this ruining your holiday.
Alone time - very reasonable
Alfresco eating - some compromise needed. His parents can eat indoors with him - you could be kind and alternate inside and outside surely?
Competitive games - I wouldn't ban these, he can have his quiet time then, or if that isn't possible, his parents will just have to manage his behaviours/meltdowns if he joins in and doesn't win.
School talk - I've never known kids want to talk about school on holiday!

I get special kids and families. I have enough of them! Heads up, if your nephew is neurodiverse it's highly likely his parents are.
You can't inflict those sorts of things on people when you are on a group holiday. He or they get to opt out. Playing a game that doesn't suit him...he opts out. Needs time that's quiet...you can do that in your room. I'm not bothered about where I eat meals but if you are eating out without him go al fresco.
I really do suggest you don't message. They have already messaged their wishes, which have come across as demands. Try not to adopt the same communication style. Could you talk on the phone about it? I have to admit I might be tempted to throw in a "we'll all have to flexible to ensure everyone has a good time " message

As the parent of an AuDHD kid, some of this is just plain unreasonable. I wouldn't expect the entire family to change plans like dining out just to suit my kid. When we go on family holidays we just accept that some activities will not suit DS and we do our own thing at those times.

The only concession I think is fair is that if the child needs quiet time and wants to be alone with his headphones and his tablet, that the other kids respect this. Kids shouldn't have to change their entire holiday to accommodate one cousin, but building an understanding that Cousin X struggles with noise and needs his space sometimes is not a bad thing. And giving him chance to recharge his batteries will mean fewer meltdowns, which will help everyone.

Her nephew's quiet time is by the pool and no-one else is allowed in for that hour.

I would have a word with your sister outside the group chat and explain how you handle your sons disabilities so as to ensure the other kids are not impacted by not being able to do stuff just because he can’t. That her child has to learn that the world does not revolve around him, and his behaviours can’t impact on the others and stop their enjoyments of a holiday, so playing the swimming game is in, although you would compromise by asking the kids not to discuss school when he is around, likewise if he wants quiet time he goes to his room, not by the pool thus stopping everyone else from using it. You are happy to compromise to an extent over meals, with some inside and some out to accommodate everybody. If that means your sister and family have to eat inside on thier won sometimes then that’s what they may have to do

your sister is being very unreasonable expecting everybody to adhere to her rules and have everything revolve around her child

Just in case it's useful I can tell about an experience I had when I and my two DC (aged 10 and just 8 at the time) with my sister BIL and 5 yo nephew who is has developmental delay and was later diagnosed with autistic traits.

I wasn't briefed in advance. DSis and BIL did several times told my DC that they shouldn't do x, y and z because DN could not

Things like them walking independently, playing together apart from the group, walking along a low wall, instead of on the ground. My DC complained they were getting scolded and didn't understand why or think it was fair (it wasn't).

During our 3 night holiday he had two or three big tantrums. Both Sis and BIL asked me if my DC were bothered by DNs behaviour. I said to each no but they don't like being told off by you. Both of them hit the roof. I tried to suggest that my DC as kids couldn't maintain the standards expected for the whole time. Just before we left BIL shouted at my DD saying she'd pushed DN when it had been the other way round. I quietly vowed not to repeat the experience.

What I didn't expect was that DSis nursed a grudge for the next decade. She never said anything until we were in a row about something else when she said I'd raised my kids to be like me, selfish.

I think DN lost out because looking back DSis made little effort to meet up. And now the kids are grown and it's too late.

I think you need to tackle this head on before you go. It's your holiday too. Compromises will have to be made. Also agree that some of DNs behaviour may be enabled or created by his parents.

Surely there is some middle ground and compromise? It must be incredibly difficult for your sister at the moment and it sounds as if she is already worrying about the

Her expectations of everyone being quiet at the pool are totally unrealistic, so is her idea that everyone should eat indoors

I would have a chat with the other kids about things that might make life a bit easier for your sister and nephew like getting him space at times when needed

However, I would have a conversation now with her to make clear that although you will try and support as much as possible you will not be changing everyone else's holiday to suit.

If the kids want to play games and he can't cope then it's up to her as a parent to use techniques that can help manage the situation, that may include looking for something else for him to do

Yes but not by the pool which means no one else can use it. Quiet time can be in his or his parents room thus not impeding in anyone else

Are you planning on spending all your time together? If so it may be better to schedule some time separate to your sisters family so you can do all of the things you would like to do without the worry of a meltdown. The requests don’t seem ridiculous.

1-no competitive games, just do them when your nephew isn’t around
2-no discussion about school? How often does this come up in natural conversation
3- quiet time- seems reasonable
4-alfresco dining just eat separately for some meals.

I’m probably biased as I’m a parent of an autistic child but this sounds like your SIL is trying to set up a really challenging dynamic for success. Thankfully my sisters relatives are all very kind and do their best to educate their kids too. Equally I try to educate my child about younger children and how we need to be extra patient. It is give and take but also recognising the individual circumstances for each family.

Most of those sound like you could work around them but I’d draw the line at not eating outdoors and do your own thing some of the time.

I would rather work, unpaid, overtime than go on hols with a troupe of relatives. Why? Why???? ADHD or not, why????

It doesn’t. But neither does it mean ignoring one person’s needs.

Sometimes, one person’s needs do take priority. You wouldn’t insist that he eat upstairs if he couldn’t climb stairs. If he can’t deal with eating outdoors, that’s reasonable.

Asking for uninterrupted quiet time is reasonable. Asking everyone to stay away from the pool area isn’t. Asking them not to badger him to play is reasonable. Asking them not to be by the pool is unreasonable.

Asking them to avoid talking about school is ok I think. It’s just sensitive when he struggles with it so much. If one of yours had trauma around something, wouldn’t you ask others to avoid the subject?

The competitive games. Well, if it triggers meltdown and he’s unable to cope, are you then going to roll your eyes and be judgy about his reaction? Isn’t it better to avoid that?

I think you sound extremely unaccommodating and ableist, and that you’ve probably phrased the requests in a deliberately goady way. You probably need to realise that EVERYTHING this child is doing is accommodating the neurotypical people around him, that coming on the holiday at all is probably a huge ask for him, and that what’s being asked of you is nothing in comparison.

The only things I’d have an issue with are

• no competitive games. If the kids want to play in the pool then they can. It’s not fair to stop kids playing nicely because one can’t take part. Your DSis should take her son out of that situation if it’s a problem. A compromise may be to say that none of the adults will organise something that involves a competition element ( no sports days, football matches etc) but stop short at policing the kids.
• no talking about school- again, it’s easy enough for the adults, but I’d not want to limit kids conversation. It is a huge part of their lives.

Otherwise I think I’d be fine with the other requests. They are all reasonable adjustments. I think it’s fair to ask the rest of you to ensure the kids leave him alone during quiet time- thats basic parenting.

In the Al Fresco dining, can’t you maybe all go in different group configurations ? Or why not have kids inside and adults outside at tables?

Maybe start with response that you’re happy to do what you can to ensure it’s a great holiday for everyone. Say that you’ll do them and happy for adults to follow guidelines, but you are mindful that policing the kids will be more difficult and it might be easier for him to have his quiet time if they’re having swimming races ?

I think it's unreasonable of her to expect you all to accommodate this. It's a holiday for everyone and it can't be controlled by one individual. Not doubt she wants to do her best by him, but she mustn't expect other people to do so.

This is why group holidays are a nightmare tbh. Here’s my take on the requests:

quiet time: I don’t think this is unreasonable in and of itself but I think it would be unreasonable if he expects quiet around the pool.

not talking about school: would be fine to ask the kids this.

inside only dining: this feels like a step too far for every meal. I also think splitting up sometimes for meals would be sensible and may actually be less overwhelming for him than bigger groups anyways.

policing the type of play: less reasonable. I think it’s fine to say don’t pester him to be involved but think it’s overreaching to stop the rest of them enjoying that sort of competitive play.

If someone’s husband just died of cancer, you wouldn’t bring up cancer in a flippant way. I’m not comparing the two (although trauma is probably involved in both). But just pointing out we all moderate the topics of conversation all the time, it’s a useful and normal life skill.

They can impose their own restriction but can’t impose them on you. I’d reply along these lines to make it clear you intend to enjoy your holiday on your own terms…

‘Makes total sense you’d try to make DN as comfortable as possible on holiday. I’ll let the kids know to give him his space and not to play competitive games around him. It’s a big enough place, I’m sure they’ll be fine doing their own thing a bit.
And dont worry about having to eat inside, we enjoy al fresco dining but we can just catch up with a few drinks after dinner in the evening. I’m sure we’ll all have a lovely time’!

Well he can have quiet time elsewhere - there will be more than one pool - usually they want to be around others and left alone at the same time - he needs to learn to walk away.
Alfresco dining - parents choice for him to eat inside - you are an adult and don’t have to if you don’t want to.
I wouldn’t curb my kids conversations - that’s hard work at the best of times - again DN should walk away. people talk about stuff that annoys me all the time!!

Because it says he wants quiet time by the pool so all the others should vacate the area to let him have an hours quiet pool time. Let her find somewhere else for his quiet time. It shouldn’t ruin everyone’s fun bc the mother is claiming an hour of quiet pool time for her son. You can also go out to dinner separately.

The kids will probably not talk about school anyway. Kids live in the here and now. School is dead to the during the holidays.

I wonder if it’s actually the SIL who doesn’t want the other children talking about school because she’s upset about seeing her own child struggle with school refusal.

It'll be fine. I'd make it clear to his parents that quiet time, time away from games and chatter, and also special dining requirements are their responsibility. They need to remove him to avoid the meltdown rather than the whole group tiptoeing around him. Just say cheerfully that you fully understand if they withdraw when needed and get on with your holiday.

It doesn’t say others need to vacate the pool. Just leave him alone which isn’t a big ask.

its no different to an adult reading their book by the pool asking not to be disturbed.