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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH wants to start gym every day before work

230 replies

Mamof3downsouth · 05/03/2025 10:21

So as the post says my DH has said he wants to start going to the gym every morning before work so 6-7.

He leaves for work at 7 and gets home just after 5. We have 3 DC, age 3, 2 and 6 months old. I’m currently on mat leave and my eldest is in nursery so I do the nursery drop off and pick up every day, which is a 15 minute drive

He is self employed the the only day he finishes early is Friday so he can go to the pub.

I’ve asked him if he can go to the gym 8-9 when the oldest 2 are in bed so I’m not doing the whole morning on my own but this isn’t convenient for him, our eldest wake up between 5.30 and 6 (but they go to bed at half 6!)

am I being unreasonable wanting the extra help on a morning? Not sure if I’m just exhausted and want the extra support but being unreasonable.

as he’s self employed, he’s often out weekend mornings looking at/quoting jobs

I just find it very full on with 3 and still BF the baby so the help on a morning is appreciated. He just occupies them; gets the oldest 2 dressed then I sort pack lunch, breakfast and getting them in the car for the nursery run.

OP posts:
DuchessOfNarcissex · 05/03/2025 13:43

@Cheeseburger85 I say that w kindness, because I can't stand bullshitting.
You aren't saying it with kindness, you are saying it with entitlement.

Giving your wife the time to have a bath isn't some act of kindness FFS, it's just being normal. You don't deserve a medal for it.

LadeedahYadaYada · 05/03/2025 13:43

genuine question - does the gym have a creche?

2025willbemytime · 05/03/2025 13:45

I really hope that someone has told @Mamof3downsouth he's not "helping." It's parenting. Does she feel she's helping him by looking after his kids while he goes to the gym and the pub?

ProfessionalPirate · 05/03/2025 13:51

Cheeseburger85 · 05/03/2025 11:51

Alot of shoulds there.

This happens when men get told they don't matter by society. Men used to have a defined role. Work. Women would do the house and children.

Was that good for all involved? Who knows? I wasn't there. But men had to sacrifice family time to bring in the money. Work isn't an escape as some idiots would have you think.

I have a genuine question. Why is it that women think men "should" be available? What is in it for them? Being a "good dad/husband" isn't enough. Because men don't seem to find that emotionally motivating. So, how can we get men to take more of a lead? I say this is a very involved dad who does all but the washing up!

Endlessly browbeating men is NOT getting them to be better dads and partners. So give me an alternative... because this isn't working for anyone.

Show quote history

I have a genuine question. Why is it that women think men "should" be available? What is in it for them? Being a "good dad/husband" isn't enough. Because men don't seem to find that emotionally motivating. So, how can we get men to take more of a lead? I say this is a very involved dad who does all but the washing up!

I don’t know wtf to make of this. You think women are expecting too much because they want men to take responsibility for the children they father? You think it’s up to women to ‘motivate’ men into taking on their fair share of domestic duties? Fuck me.

I’d love to hear your wife’s opinion on how ‘good’ and ‘involved’ you are as a father if these are your opinions.

RandomMess · 05/03/2025 13:52

Perhaps it's time for your DH to get a twin cab.

Codlingmoths · 05/03/2025 13:53

In my marriage this would be straightforward, because you matter too. You don’t want him to leave you parenting alone in the morning. He doesn’t want to do bedtime solo. You can both get what you want, or you can neither get what you want. There is no universe where he says you do what I tell you, and my free time is more important than you. Which would he prefer? And I’d say let’s see if your colleague is still married in a few years, men think being selfish is just fine as long as they are getting away with it, women are stuck holding the baby and exhausted, and they carry this resentment then when the kids are a bit older they realise they will always resent this man, it’s not good enough that they aren’t there when it’s tough, its not a partnership and they split up. And sooner if their approach to communicating is sulking and that’s where you make it clear you’re not talking about his selfish mate anymore.

Gettingbysomehow · 05/03/2025 13:55

I think you know full well this is unbelievably unreasonable. I'd be having a massive melt down.

minipie · 05/03/2025 13:56

Why is it that women think men "should" be available? What is in it for them? Being a "good dad/husband" isn't enough. Because men don't seem to find that emotionally motivating. So, how can we get men to take more of a lead? I say this is a very involved dad who does all but the washing up!

Er… How about men should be available because the kids are 50% theirs??

I don’t give a flying fuck what men find emotionally motivating. Women often don’t find it motivating either - I hated looking after small kids. He has kids, therefore he shares the childcare equally when not at work. That’s just fair.

It’s not women’s job to try to “motivate” men to pull their weight. If you don’t want to do childcare the only solution is don’t have kids.

NameChangedForThis2025 · 05/03/2025 13:57

minipie · 05/03/2025 13:56

Why is it that women think men "should" be available? What is in it for them? Being a "good dad/husband" isn't enough. Because men don't seem to find that emotionally motivating. So, how can we get men to take more of a lead? I say this is a very involved dad who does all but the washing up!

Er… How about men should be available because the kids are 50% theirs??

I don’t give a flying fuck what men find emotionally motivating. Women often don’t find it motivating either - I hated looking after small kids. He has kids, therefore he shares the childcare equally when not at work. That’s just fair.

It’s not women’s job to try to “motivate” men to pull their weight. If you don’t want to do childcare the only solution is don’t have kids.

Standing ovation 👏🏻 🙌🏻

RedPandaLove · 05/03/2025 13:58

Why does he have to go to the gym every single morning? Why can’t he go on alternate days, surely that’s better for his body to have rest days in between and then you won’t feel like he’s constantly at the gym every day

Rockyroader · 05/03/2025 13:58

It will probably become a moot point soon because it’s a jump to go from no gym to gym 5 mornings per week! But he is taking the piss.

Printedword · 05/03/2025 14:02

It's difficult, but you are very lucky he finishes at 5. Maybe he could compromise on the number of days per week he does the gym

DecafDodger · 05/03/2025 14:03

Rockyroader · 05/03/2025 13:58

It will probably become a moot point soon because it’s a jump to go from no gym to gym 5 mornings per week! But he is taking the piss.

Not necessarily, I see plenty of men at the gym who spend 90% of time there scrolling on their phones. More fun than being at home taking care of children, I guess.

Fridgetapas · 05/03/2025 14:04

I think if he’s never gymed before it’s unlikely he’s going to motivate himself to go 5 days a week anyway… but on the off chance he does YANBU!

I have found (in my own experience and speaking to friends) that some men who’ve recently had children suddenly find themselves a need for a new hobby/sport to get themselves out of the house regularly. My husband announced he wanted to start marathon training and doing 10k races when our second baby was a newborn. My friends husband suddenly wanted to get into cycling… I think they have a panic and need an excuse to be away from the family home!

Anyway (after a few arguments!) we compromised on putting the marathon idea on hold for a time in the future and scheduled in a couple of times a week when he could go for a run that we kept too. Could your compromise be if he really wants to start a gym routine you get a couple scheduled in each week for a time that ALSO is best for you. If 6-7 is a no go then he’ll have to find a different time that works.

coxesorangepippin · 05/03/2025 14:07

As soon as I read this I knew you'd have small children

palegazelle · 05/03/2025 14:07

minipie · 05/03/2025 13:56

Why is it that women think men "should" be available? What is in it for them? Being a "good dad/husband" isn't enough. Because men don't seem to find that emotionally motivating. So, how can we get men to take more of a lead? I say this is a very involved dad who does all but the washing up!

Er… How about men should be available because the kids are 50% theirs??

I don’t give a flying fuck what men find emotionally motivating. Women often don’t find it motivating either - I hated looking after small kids. He has kids, therefore he shares the childcare equally when not at work. That’s just fair.

It’s not women’s job to try to “motivate” men to pull their weight. If you don’t want to do childcare the only solution is don’t have kids.

Well said.

DecafDodger · 05/03/2025 14:10

Why is it that women think men "should" be available? What is in it for them? Being a "good dad/husband" isn't enough.

How on earth are you being a good dad and husband if you basically refuse to participate in family life and leave your wife to do all the work, while you're at the gym or pub?

OrrAppleCheeks · 05/03/2025 14:11

When my kids were tiny, if ever my husband had a plan like that I’d respond really enthusiastically as though he’d suggested that we’d both do it. “Oh that’s a great idea! Alternate mornings would work really well - I can go to the gym on Monday, Wednesday and Friday one week, and you go on the Tuesday and Thursday, the we can swap the next week”. And then I’d bang on for a bit about how excited I was to get started.

it’s amazing how many ideas disappeared immediately - sailing weekends, all day on the golf course, expensive cycling, unreciprocated weekends away…

IlooklikeNigella · 05/03/2025 14:11

He's being a self-centered prick.

Oblahdeeoblahdoe · 05/03/2025 14:20

thepariscrimefiles · 05/03/2025 12:43

You seem too accepting of him not wanting to put the kids to bed on his own. Of course he can do it, he just doesn't want to. He doesn't need to go to the gym every morning before work unless he is specifically training for some imminent event. He just wants to get out of helping you in the mornings.

You are the higher earner and you seem to do all the wife-work and child care as well. What does he bring to the table?

Show quote history

I'm sorry OP but you are far too accommodating to this man child. You don't like to say no to him but he's not the slightest bit bothered about saying the same to you! Sounds like his mate has shared his tips about getting out of the parenting and leave it to the missus. I've worked with men like this, they're all piss takers.
Not only should you stick to your guns on this but you need a total rethink on sharing the load with him. Why do you do it all on top of earning the most? If anything he has more flexibility than you being self employed. He needs a massive wake up call. Fuck the morning sessions at the gym.

Qwee · 05/03/2025 14:26

What a total waste of space he is.
He can't cope with 3 children on his own and his answer to this is to absent himself completely in the morning.

He's a sulker too?

What a non prize he is.
Lazy, selfish, avoidant father who sulks.
You need to protect yourself carefully OP, you have all the markers of a potentially abusive relationship.

You earn more than him too?
Of course you do.🙄
Good men do not behave like this.

Keep your family and friends close to you.
You are going to need them.

minipie · 05/03/2025 14:27

“I don’t want to be a controlling wife”

The way to not be a controlling wife is to have a husband who doesn’t make unreasonable requests.

If you say no that’s not you being controlling. It’s him being selfish for asking this in the first place.

If he said “I want to shag Amy from accounts, is that ok?” it wouldn’t be controlling to say no. It would be him being a dick for asking.

Broadswordcallingdannyboy1 · 05/03/2025 14:38

The majority of men do not want children. They only agree to have them to appease the woman. It should come as no surprise that men do not step up when the child is born!

OP, YANBU, but your DH behaviour is not unsurprising.

snowflakelake · 05/03/2025 14:55

OrrAppleCheeks · 05/03/2025 14:11

When my kids were tiny, if ever my husband had a plan like that I’d respond really enthusiastically as though he’d suggested that we’d both do it. “Oh that’s a great idea! Alternate mornings would work really well - I can go to the gym on Monday, Wednesday and Friday one week, and you go on the Tuesday and Thursday, the we can swap the next week”. And then I’d bang on for a bit about how excited I was to get started.

it’s amazing how many ideas disappeared immediately - sailing weekends, all day on the golf course, expensive cycling, unreciprocated weekends away…

I think this is smart and in your situation would definitely take this approach.
Your DH is behaving like a total prat.

Kitchensinktoday · 05/03/2025 15:13

I work with a chap who's just become a father for the first time. One day per week, he does some sort of child care and everyone thinks he's a hero.